Autobiographical World

Album, Play Me On Sunday (parental advisory) As of August 7th 2021, I don’t “publicly” use words considered as curse words.-2we1ve

Here we will loud out all secrecy by attempting to create a large Autobigraphical World. The Autobiographical World will be made up of autobiographies of any person who chooses to post one. Submit the request to present the story you have and let’s see if we can get you started. The autobiographies can begin to be posted on the website as you start writing, or it can be posted as a finished product. Autobiographies will be labeled according to how we were able to verify validity of the stories. All stories said to be true by the person posting will be posted, no one will be turned away, because I can call no one a liar. Below you will find the first autobiography that was posted by me, the first member of 2we1ve, as I try to be a representative of openness that I think is required for the world to be closer to freedom than ever before. No rights to a story will ever be owned by anybody other than the person who chooses to post it. Everyone who puts a story up will be doing it for free, and will receive no money for doing so, unless money is being made off of them some how.

Autobiographical World member…..

Quincy Valentino Dean. April 19 1985




Q wit uh K


Qisreale Trulth. May 15 2020

Book Starts Here Press Play

I started writing this back in 2012 I think. Im posting so people will know who dey talkin to. Like, if u don’t know, nigguh here u go. What u thought? Im reposting the intro and editing/adding to, or maybe even tayking away from it. Today is April 19th 2016

Here we go…..The introduction to my autobiography…..Message of Love

“I am not a man of God. I am not claiming to be. I am claiming to have Knowledge. I choose to share with you what I believe was meant for me to share. As a sinner, I offer you the “Word” and my story. As a sinner, you should take heed”

Name I go by=Knowledge Equals Wisdom.
• As an acronym, it= K.E.W. Pronounced Q.
• Legally, Quincy Valentino Dean.

I don’t know the best way to start, or how to even begin to place this in order. I’m going to do my best to align this story the best way possible, so that the experiences become as real to you as they were to me, allowing you to live in every moment and be able to feel every experience as I did. When the experiences start to become real, don’t think negative. You can’t allow yourself to get caught up in living the feelings of the books reality, by bringing them over into your daily life. Overpower your negative feelings, if any occur. Come back throughout the reading of the book and read this intro again, because you may possibly get so caught up in the story that you forget about the things in the intro that you should have never forgotten. Set an alarm on your phone, or set it on your calendar. Every 3hrs while you are reading for your alarm, and every day on your calendar. I don’t know how fast you read, so I’m just trying to cover everybody and make sure that they do not forget to go back and read the intro throughout the story. Some of it every time you go back and read it may be enough, but all, every time is even better.
Let me first tell you why I am choosing, now, to write this story. I was going to write the story and probably have it released after I die(there is a difficulty that comes with people knowing what I know, that is one that I would rather you all go through without me), but since I’ve come to grips with the fact that I have a terminal illness, and it is believed that I have less than 5 yrs. to live, I figured now would be a better time than ever. I go back to the country song that says, “I hope you get the chance to live like you were/are (one of em) dying”. There is no way that anything other than death, or the possibility of it, could lead me to tell what I am about to tell. Not that I chose not to out of fear. I chose to not to because I understood what I would have to face in dealing with people, and I don’t feel like the fight is worth it anymore. I do not believe as I once did that people will be able to understand, so I feel now, that I would be fighting a fight, setting myself up for a pain that could have been prevented. At this point in my life, just, doing what I understand to be right, requires more strength than I am willing to put out again. I guess we all need a little push sometimes, and what pushes us, as individuals, varies from simple to drastic, depending on the mindset of the person. Simple to me, may seem drastic to you, and that simple thing, as I viewed it, to you, was drastic enough in your life to push you. What I consider to be drastic, you may not understand it to be so, and view it as simple, and not be pushed. Two people can get hit with the same belt, by the same person, at different forces, and the hit that they both take, though one was weaker than the other, still could have caused the same pain/damage to both individuals. So that means that even though the both of you didn’t get the same of what would be considered the worst treatment, the result from both of you are exactly them same. One of you may take the fault of seeing the physical difference in the whip hitting both of you, but not noticing what is going on in the other persons emotion when the lesser pain supposedly happened to them. They had the same level of whatever emotion you had and therefore they can understand your pain. It took this illness and the speaking of my death, for me to no longer question how or when to write, or why not write it. Those kinds of worries are irrelevant to a dying man. The consequences of things that can happen in a life that you aren’t going to make it to see, will not stop you from doing a work that you feel is important. When you have to choose between dying and not completing a mission that you feel is most important, wanting to complete, not completing because you wanted to wait until it was easier for you, out of choosing between that or dying with a complete mission, only the very selfish would choose to not succeed. I have to finish what I was sent here to do, so that I can suffer the rest of this time in more peace than less. If I died immediately after, all thanks to God for sparing me. I will explain the specifics of what is wrong with me, when we get to that point of my life in the story.

This no finish point in the middle of this story. Nowhere along the way are you allowed to say, “that’s it, I get it”, or begin to believe that based upon what you have read, that you have heard enough. Again, it is not a story for your entertainment. It is not beneficial for you to assume that there is a finishing point other than reading from beginning to end. The message was not completely understood by me until the point of the book where I will end it. The minute that you begin to believe that you know enough about my life, before the story is complete, or that you know more about my life than me, that’s when what I am writing starts to sound weird. You take away all possible benefit to self, by believing that a book that was written to give you an opportunity to learn, has failed you, and you hadn’t finished reading what the author said was necessary for you to read in order to learn. Everything that I will speak about, from beginning to end is necessary for you to read and allow your mind to experience, in order to receive a full understanding of what I have come to understand. If you are patient in this process, you may possibly come out of this story a better person than me myself, more enlightened than me myself, because, though I have given you plenty of Knowledge and information, you will have some information that I do not have, meaning that you will be able to apply the basics of what I have given you to your specific situations, and become more broad of a thinker than me. Its like saying someone has K and A, the other person has a C. Every person has a their own letter, but K is the most important one, so I have two letters, but the one that I have, the K, makes all the other letters useful. The K makes all other letters useful. Whenever you get the K, you get the letter that was with it. Its an extra boost, so now u have an A, K and a C. You have 2 letters to go with you’re your K. I still only have one letter to go with my K, and it may be the only letter I ever have to go with my K for the rest of my life. You will be better able to handle different kinds of situations that I would have had to take a lot of time to figure out, and time doesn’t need to be wasted. You become a better tool that way. You will work quicker and be faster. That is the point of the teacher, to breed better teachers. Better teachers mean better humans, means better kids, which mean a better world. “Getting the K” is not something that will happen in a large quantity, but is surely possible, and bound to happen in one(at least one). It is not a simple task though.
I will repeat myself often. I have to bring back to your remembrance things that have been said in the past, at specific parts in the story, so that I help you to place things in perspective. It is not up to you to get your own understanding of my life, but for you to understand my life as I explain it to you. I came to you already yelling out “ understanding”. You weren’t studying me. I have been studying myself for years, with different information and knowledge and understanding than you had available to you. Not to say true or false, because nobody knows true or false, but to understand. If you can understand it then it would seem if was meant for you to understand. Understanding is to another level. If you can be persuaded from something, then you never understood it anyway. If after being elevated to more understanding, if you understand what I say, see if anything will be able to persuade you then. No, because nothing can alter somebody’s thinking who knows the truth. But if u never give yourself a chance to learn anything new you will never know if you will understand something better. If you understand, you will start to see whatever level of learning you reached to be truth. You will kill your chance of possibly understanding, if you do not give your brain time, to place what you’ve just heard into the right order.
If I compared another life and time to my life, what I’ve seen today, then I could know based upon what I understood from the comparison, that the history that I compared to the past, present, and future that I’ve known, is true as well. If it made sense in comparison to what I’ve witnessed, then it had to be true. If I could not make sense of a thing that I read or heard, how could I believe it if I could not find a way to relate to it? Maybe it just wasn’t my time to understand. Maybe it just was not true. There are different reasons for why a person doesn’t understand something, or why something doesn’t make sense. If something actually changes your thinking, you have to think that your thinking wasn’t the truth. How could what you thought be the truth, if something just came and changed your belief on the topic? Maybe what you believed just had one hole in the story that wasn’t understood. That one hoIe, if somebody said the right thing that touched on whatever part of your belief that wasn’t completely thought through and understood, could lead to a bigger hole, by confusion. It doesn’t take much to throw a persons whole belief system off. It just takes a misunderstanding. The misunderstanding, shows the person that there was flaw in their thinking. That is enough to make them disbelieve their whole thought process around the issue. If everything was told to me about it and I didn’t understand, then there was no way for me to understand, unless after being told, I needed to do something to show that I understood, so that I would be able to understand the next level, but I didn’t do it. Know that there was never a time I didn’t sacrifice if I felt it needed to done, not without knowing that I made the decision to not sacrifice something that would help me learn. I either wasn’t at that level to understand that something needed be sacrificed or I, because of some lack of focus, was missing something.
What I have come to understand in life comes from the Knowledge I received by reading the Bible. It was not up to me to get my own understanding of what the Knowledge led to, but to believe that what I was reading was truth, and to base the information of my own life on that truth, in order to understand the Knowledge. In reading this message of Love, the same concept applies. I will give you the information of my life, and I will also give you the truth from the Bible that I believe in, and hope that you believe in my information(my truth) enough to open your mind to how the Knowledge from the Bible clarified every bit of truth(information) in my life. Why do you need the information from my life, and not your own? The information in your life may not open your eyes enough to be able to see clear enough to understand what the scriptures are saying, or it just may not be enough to apply to everything that the Bible is going to require for you to understand it in the fullest of understanding that is available. I can validate that the Information I have will do that, so I’m going to stick with what I know, and not assume that I can just tell you the Knowledge and expect you to understand. I can’t even assume that if you read the bible, just because you want to understand that you will be able to do so, or have understood on your own.
I understand my life, fully. Many people do not understand their own, let alone another person’s. I will be telling you the truth of what occurred. I gain nothing from lying. If I was going to lie, then I might as well have not told the story. My motif is not a selfish one. I only wish to gain access to hearts, and minds. I wish to awaken your soul, all for the benefit of our Father, God. If you do not believe in God/ Jesus Christ/ The bible(kjv specifically), this story is for you, with hopes that my honesty hits you right in your system of belief and makes enough sense to you, that you are willing to give this God that I speak about, a try. If you do believe in God, then this book will make or break you. You will learn and do better, or learn and choose to not do better. Learning and choosing to di better will make you. Choosing to not follow what you have learned will break you, I think so that you can be taught through being broken. The power of consequence that this book will have over your life, because you have made the choice to read it, will be great and invisible. Everybody may not notice the effects that the book is/or will have on them. How many people can have any of their senses bothered and not have some kind of reaction to them? It works the same way with information and Knowledge. Some reaction will take place, big reactions in some and little reactions will take place in others. You have to be paying attention to realize which consequences/reactions that are happening, are coming from what you read and how you responded to it. I want all to read it, but I know what you do not, so by the art of compassion, I would rather you not read this. I know that there are people who will not be prepared. These people will suffer, but their suffering will not be in vein if their heart is right. What man just wants to see somebody suffer? I don’t. It is the reward that I want for you, and because I know that there is a reward, I welcome you to go through this tunnel of work, because I believe that if you truly seek, you will find. Because your heart is longing for the truth, you will be rewarded with light. You will be able to see clearer after the tunnel, and be happy with the new sight that you received. Even then though, seeing new things means seeing new problems, which mean more work. I don’t think you stop seeing new problems or stop working until you die. You have to be prepared to accept that possibility. You have to find joy in being a workman for God. It doesn’t matter what pace you move at, just that you continue to move.
Judgment is not for me to do, but it has, in a way, become my job to place you in the boat to be judged. If you do not believe in God then you have nothing to lose by reading this book. You might lose the freedom that you call freedom, by whatever you do believe in, but that wouldn’t be true freedom lost, if you come to understand this book. You will understand what true freedom is. So, if you are living in a fantasy world, the only thing you have to lose is the thought that your fantasy was reality. At times fantasies can seem more pleasurable, but at the end of the day, fantasies do not exist. They will end. What person would not want to understand and live in reality? Who wants to find out one day that they were living a lie? Not me. There is no real loss to a person who doesn’t believe in God if they read this book, unless what I’m saying is a lie. I guess the lost would be in time, because you could have been doing something else. If you do believe in God, you have everything to lose. You may try and fake like you didn’t understand what you should do next in life, and because you choose not to take that step forward, you end up in a worst position that what you ever been in, or jus back where you started. Some people have brought to certain points for a reason, and when they choose not to use what was given to them, everything could be taken away. There is more to gain, and which is waiting for you will be your decision to make.
I give you this warning because many of you will believe that this book, me, or my whole motif is a game. I do not want those of you who believe so to enter into this story thinking that your belief of what something may be, will somehow stop it from being real(if it is real). Because you think you saw dog, doesn’t mean that it wasn’t a cat. What you perceive can not turn that cat into a dog. The fact that you do not know that reading this book is going to change your life doesn’t take away from the change that is bound to take place in your life. The only choice you have is to read or not to read. You do not have any control over what happens after you make the choice to read, after every answer is positioned in front of you but u still don’t get it. Your spiritual make up might be flawed, and have a blockage that you allowed to make you a negative person that you were not born to be. Your spiritual make up, if flawed, will not allow you to act properly towards the Knowledge you received. You will reap the same as you sowed into yourself. If you didn’t get a hammer, you cant hit the nail with a hammer that you didn’t get.
Some of you have had plenty of opportunities to just accept the truth, or to grab a hold to things positive, rather than negative, or spiritual rather than worldly. If you would have made less selfish choices in your life, you will be set up to receive and use every bit of Knowledge and information in this story. What you have set yourself up to receive, or to be, you will become. What you studied is all you will be able to answer.
It is going to take an open mind to avoid the drama of your own doing, from having to deal with the negativity that is finally going to make its way back around to face you. You have to be prepared to come across problems that are going to surface because of something you did wrong. The more of an open and positive mind you approach this book with, the greater the potential of being able to save yourself. Positive thinking is a nice start in overruling negativity. If you end up taking the drama route (not believing what you read that is truth), it is then necessary for the drama to exist because you have to see it now, if you have or haven’t seen it before. You have to be corrected. You have to see it now, or be reminded of the drama while you have this Knowledge that you just received. Looking at drama with new knowledge , give you the chance to understand something about it that you wouldn’t have been able to understand, had you still been trying to understand it with the same old Knowledge. With the new information and Knowledge, you will think differently than you had when opportunities were presented before. If you view the drama as anything other than a refresher, you hurt yourself. Drama used to help you learn, shouldn’t be called drama. It should be called necessary.
If you look at this book as being similar to the Bible, by them both having Knowledge and a message, realize that in the Bible there is no breakdown of the hidden wisdoms. Nobody is explaining everything to you word after word. Nobody knows when they misunderstand. People read, misunderstand it and its okay, because teachers are meant to understand the Bible. They are chosen for that, along with those who were/are willing to do what was/is necessary to be shown those breakdowns. I don’t know if every person who understands different levels of things were given that understanding so that they could be teachers. I only would think that that person becomes one on that level.
Knowledge and information that I will give you, will rarely allow you to walk away saying, “I do not get it”. God will know that you learned and understood. Stopping the learning process when you find that it is working on you will not set you free. You will only fool yourself by trying to come up with a reason to not continue to chase Knowledge.
There is no important question that will not be answered if someone wants answers. What you don’t know you don’t need to know. You don’t need to know everything you think you do. We are not all equipped to understand the scriptures, but we are mostly able to understand life. Jesus’ job was to sacrifice, and my job was to sacrifice as well. On the same level? No. My sacrifice was to show and make it easy for you to see simply, that just me as a man, no one great, went through everyday situations, and learned important lessons from them. I was able to go through things that many people did not. I was able to experience things that many people have not. I was able to do these things and still be sane enough to express the specifics of every lesson to you. Many that read will relate, and in relating you will realize what took me a different way than you, that I did go a separate way than you, and you will recognize that if you had made the choices that I made, your path would have been the same. Does it make it wrong that you didn’t make the same choices? No. I said that to say that this does not make me special, it could have been you. This is how my story stops being a fantasy and becomes a reality, by those who have been through the situations, finding a way to relate to it, and even if you have not gone through it, still finding the humility to relate to it. Not that it should be this way, but if a person can’t relate to you, then usually they tend to think that what you are saying is crazy.
Jesus’ story may not seem crazy to us, but we do not learn as much from it because we do not find a way to relate to him. Part of our problem, is not being able to find an even ground to walk on as Jesus, not being able to put ourselves in his shoes and make his story a reality.
I’m 27 yrs. old, really 22 yrs. old pushing 30(will be explained). Make no assumptions. Keeping an open mind is relevant to making sure you understand certain relationships in the story. Marriage, living single, and raising kids, along with other kinds of relationships. I will speak on it later.
Everything was necessary in my life. If I could have come to learn things any other way, without errors, without doing wrong, I would have had to be a teacher from birth or I would have had to be taught theses ways by somebody. Nobody was available to me, so I learned the harder way, by trial and error, and came to trust what was working inside of me, helping me grow. If you become too focused on the issues/situations in the story, and not the lessons behind them or what could be learned from them, your chances of understanding the message will be weakened. If you never grasp my thoughts and motifs from my youngest age, and who I was at heart from beginning to end of my life, then you miss a very important piece of the puzzle. You need that piece to see the full picture. Know/believe, that even training of the proper character is subject to flaws when growing. A person with good intentions can make mistakes while trying to do something they have never done before. Every negative action that a person has, doesn’t speak on their character. Character is made up of repeat actions. Not all actions that are being repeated speak on a persons character, because a person may have never been approached with the opportunity to understand whether those actions were right or wrong, or even how they were right or how they were wrong and what that meant to life’s overall meaning

I don’t want to lose anybody do to misunderstandings. The only way you should misunderstand anything in life is if you do not have the author of whatever the story is available to you. I am here and available, and willing to answer all questions, so you will not understand, only if your heart is hardened towards the validity of my character. If you look at me and cannot see through the negative actions of my lifestyle, you will not want to believe me, and therefore you may not believe me, but I’m sure that truth, if I spoke it, will be confirmed to you at some point in your life.
Hopefully I will present you with situations that you haven’t experienced yet. New situations open you up to new possibilities and new ways to see things. If I present you with situations that you have gone through or heard of, I hope to present you with the thinking that you will need to have in order to overcome any confusion that may be tied to what you have been through, or what you have heard.
I asked God if I should tell you these things that I am writing, and expect you to trust me/believe me. It wasn’t in my mind to worry about that anymore. I probably should have never even made that an issue. With the power of persuasion I could rush to the exciting parts of the book, or even just speak more on the parts of my life that I think would probably get the most attention (parts that people would consider more interesting than the others). I know that winning your attention and not your heart, will not benefit anything. I have to tell the parts of the story that may seem boring to you all. I have to tell every part of it that is relevant to me figuring out the things that I have figured out. Those parts may not be what you want to here, but you can’t skip these parts or not pay attention to them and think you will get the message.
I don’t do this for fame, or money. You will not find out until later that I do not have an ulterior motif for writing this book. I’m writing this book because I want to help people. Anything that I benefit from after it is written is just icing on the cake. The icing is not my reasoning for writing. Acts that are selfish, such as doing anything for your own personal gain, makes for a made up story. I know that if I lied and made up a story I could get the exact kind of attention that I want. If I were selfish, then I might even begin to believe the lies that I were making up so that I could get what I want from lying. I do not have a personal reason to benefit from doing this. It doesn’t even really make me happy to carry this out anymore, not in the fullness of what it was supposed to be. I do it now because there is no reason for me to not do it. There can only be positive that can come from it, for God’s children. As upset as I am with them, there must be someone that will appreciate knowing, before they have to learn the hard way. I know that our Father will appreciate someone relaying this message to his children. If I must exit this planet as a sinner, I will do something for the Father. I will do this one thing that he asked of me, because I do not blame him for anything, and I am thankful to him for allowing me the opportunity to walk in greatness. I failed him, he did not fail me.
I don’t know what your life was like, or is like, but I’m going to need you to grow up with me in this story, to live as me in reading this story. I’m going to show you all an easy way out. I suffered, not that it was my plan, but so that you could be told rather than shown through incidents occurring in your life. People need something to look at and say, “ I am not going to do “that” because it is going to cause “this”, to happen.” You will be able to make better decisions, and will not be able to blame anybody and say that no one taught you. Well, you won’t be able to say that you didn’t know. Just because you read this book does not mean I taught you. I did try my best to teach you through this book.
There is only one me. While there are many of you, even in your numbers, you are mostly the same. The base of your thinking is pretty much identical to those who live in this world with you. Though there are some who try to be separate and be unique, they do it in ways that do not matter, holding on to the same thinking they had, which was given to them by people or things since they were children. My makeup is unique because of the unique manner in which all events in my life took place. You make up is unique for the same reason. My mind and thinking is unique because I allowed for situations to purposefully happen that others would not sacrifice for, all with the intent of spiritual growth. Me making a way for my own pain , just so that I could grow spiritual is the difference between me and other people. Some people, maybe plenty of people wished that they would have been able to do the same, but everybody is not chosen, and everybody’s life, by the time they would make that decision, would not have been set up for what they would want to do. Some people just have not had the time in their life to give them the opportunity to be used by God at this level, but every level of usage is profitable to the Kingdom of God. Each step gets you closer to the next. Don’t be discouraged at your position or level of work. Your work is needed. If you can grow further then continue to do that, but be content with your progress, as long as you know that you are giving your all.
I started to mirror the people that I viewed as greatness in my life; Shakespeare, Jesus, and Michael Jordan. I valued the mind, heart, and flawlessness of Shakespeare’s writing, and how it was complicated. I valued the passion Jordan had for his craft, and Jesus’ sacrifice.
Some of these things I talk about may not be new to you, or may not sound new to you. The sound of them may even allow you to believe that they are the same in comparison to something else you’ve heard. It is not about one or two things, or those one or two things (maybe more), that make you say, “aw this aint nothing new”. It is about the events and thinking as a whole that will decide the difference or the similarity. Storah could have walked in the store and bought some chips, then came out. Storee could have walked in the store, bought some chips and then came out. These two stories may sound the same, and if you heard one, you may think that you’ve heard the other, but it is in the detail of what happened when both people walked in the store, bought some chips, and came out, that you will find difference. It is in that difference that you look to find learning.
I’ve read a few books, not many that have taught me some things/given an insight that I used to benefit my thinking. You can give them a try, but it really doesn’t matter if you read them. I’m going to tell you what I learned from them anyway. The truth is what I’m going to give you. The Bible is one (I’m not going to tell you not to read it). If you truly believed in, or adhered to truth, then you wouldn’t even have to pick the Bible up. If you believed the things I speak, what I spoke would automatically become truth, and you wouldn’t need any verification. I’m just a man like you, so I understand why just believing what I say, is hard. Thank God that I have something that came before me, that I can point to as a source. As proof, the Bible and my life is all I have to compare to each other in your sight, and hope that you can see what I see.
I didn’t want to be disliked. I wanted to have built some sort of reputation so that people would like me and listen to me. I was hoping that by the time I started to write, my status would have been positively popular enough to get them on my side, and lean them over towards understanding more of what I would be saying.
Let me tell you, some people don’t know me, some do, and for some of those who do, they will know that these events played out just as I tell them. What I will write about the scriptures , life, and what I understand about them, may become truth, solely off of a relationship that me and a reader may have. I think that the growth and strength a person will have, is greater if the cam understand without the influence of a person. I didn’t think that all the way out, but it seems if a person believes the truth just because they hear it, they would be in a better position that the person who believed the truth because someone “famous” told them, but then again, it may not matter how you get to the mountain top, just as long as you get there, and what you are limited to at that point is up to you. The only other book I can say taught me something was a book called Dandelion Wine, by Ray Bradbury.
I learned on my own, listening to no one, because of my disbelief in the Bible (listening to others). I believed that I didn’t believe in God because what people were telling me about him didn’t make any sense. I was confused about life. Eventually I did not want to continue on as everyone else in that confusion. I seen how people were living , and I could not find happiness in the lifestyle that I was watching. I wanted to break the cycle, and kill the curse.

• “I am not a man of God. I am not claiming to be. I am claiming to have Knowledge. I choose to share with you what I believe was meant for me to share. As a sinner I offer you the “word” and my story. As a sinner, you should take heed”

A VIDEO GOES HERE THAT HAS SOMEHOW BEEN MISPLACED. It is the first video of reading of the story after the introduction. I will upload a new one soon…9/28/22

Message of Love(sexually explicit content) 1st 12min reading with explanation. Preschool Bronx NY 1985-1990(estimate)

The name I go by is K.E.W. (Q), Knowledge Equals Wisdom. I’m going to tell a story of how it became so. I will give you enough Knowledge and information to allow you to make better decisions in your life. If you are one to refrain from being obedient to the truth, it would be smart to read no further than this sentence. Do not let curiosity kill the cat. I will not give you enough Knowledge and information to be as understanding and hold the potential wisdom that I hold. You can’t be trusted with it, yet. Here is the story.
A few things to remember:
necss (ness) = necessary.
Uing= Understanding.
Ear. =Irrelevant.
Note=there was probably something else I wanted to tie to that but i might mess up the flow of the story.
NOW= I’m breaking away from the story to give you a thought that I am thinking right now, about what I had just said. Even though I narrate, the NOW thought will not always be necss to the story.

I Will probably end up using them a lot. I am also ready to release all that I have been withholding, as soon as possible. I should shorten more words………

On April 19, 1985(Aries, first sign (smirk) I’m jus sayin), it is said that a boy given the name Quincy Valentino Dean (was gonna do the whole third person thing, but we not gonna go there, I did refer to him as Quincy at one point in my life…..later on that one) was born. I will tell you what I remember about this young man. I must let some of these statements be those of them who remember things that I cannot, so that means there is possible truth in them, but since some of it is not my own memory, it cannot be trusted. His mom is Debra Lynn Dean, and I suppose she was around 25 yrs. old when she had him (ask her, I could call her real quick, but it’s not Rev). Debra had some run-ins with abortion and it is said that I just missed that train. How many before or after me hasn’t been told. So what would you say, I have purpose? Not necessarily. It could have been my spirit she was sending back after every kill. It didn’t matter who it was through, but I was going to get here. Why, because I had a work to do. God wasn’t just going to drop me off like they did the Terminator. It would have left too much room for questions. However retarded the vessel was Ear. I’m sure he knew, (God) “If I could just get him in there (not that it was a hard task), rich or poor, this boy will be as great as I planned for him to be”. So what does greatness depend on? Whether you are able to carry out, and how well you are able to carry out Gods plan (Note).
I don’t remember being homeless but I was told that I had my experiences. Debra was homeless, so was I, and there is this girl, Sheronda Chianti Dean (nope she does not get a name edit, her or Debra). Snoop is the older of the two of us, so I’m guessing that maybe she was homeless longer than I was, which explains her bruising, and inability to grow (joke). So I was homeless, but I don’t MeM. Who cares.
I remember seeing a picture of me at a Yankee game (a tiny baby). I don’t MeM. Who cares. As kids, I will say that there were a lot of events that we took part in. Theme Parks, Parks, Skating, Church, and I’m sure there is more, but I don’t MeM. Who cares. None of that helped me in life either…..Ear. So what am I saying? NOWThe things we view as necss and better are not always setting the proper base for our kids.NOW The effects of all those things either wore off, or had no power when proper growth was needed.
Tyrone Williams is said to be the sperm donor, but I don’t MeM him. Who cares (jk, I remember him). I don’t know, no blood test have ever been done. Let me tell you what I do MeM. I MeM my life starting when it was time to go to school, preschool. I don’t MeM ages really. Just listen, I’ll try and get the time line as understandable as possible. You know, I had a bond with my moms at one point. NOWIt must have been one hell of a bond (stupid kid). Hey, you grow up bonding with whoever is feeding you.NOW I MeM clearly the first day of preschool, and Debra had to leave me there. It’s the first temper tantrum I can MeM. I mean I showed out, (mama’s baby), wrestled with the teachers, screamed, and cried. I got used to it, hey, you win some you lose some I guess. I remember a teacher, tall lady, with a high top fade hair-do, we ended up getting along pretty well. Moms walked me from the apartment building, 1717 Macoombs Rd, NyNy, to preschool in the morning. Walking was a simple task in Ny, and I know we must have walked some miles before we got there. I was a little nigga then. How did I do it (retor)? Well, kindergarten began. I only remember two kids from there, and the third is just because he was my neighbor that stayed right across the hall from me. He was my “best friend”, but let’s talk about these other two life changers. I don’t think I can say for sure what my wardrobe was like, and if pleads had become a dislike already. I can say that my wardrobe might have been a little weird. I remember having a pair of cowboy boots. I live in the Bronx, well, anyway, I liked those things. I woke up, I suppose my usual routine, and headed to preschool. Now there was this fine lil’ Puerto Rican girl that I had a crush on, and one of my friends had a crush on her as well. I didn’t wake up in the morning too worried about what I was going to put on, I was in preschool. So we get to the school, and somehow the girl is enlightened that we have a crush on her/ we both like her. I guess me and him must have sat down and had an adult conversation about who was going to get the girl. I’m also guessing we approached her and asked her to pick, because Rican (don’t know her name) says, “Okay, whichever one of you has on the cleanest shirt, I will go out with”. NOWI’ll be John Brown Dirty Brown, this niggas shirt was extra fresh on this day, as if they already had this planned this out and wanted to play me or something.NOW For some reason, out of all the days to wear a dingy shirt, mom chooses today to set me up for disaster. Long story short, she chooses him on the spot. Now I can’t explain the exact feeling going on at that moment. I can tell you, from that day forward it mattered to me what I was wearing when I stepped out. I was in preschool, and my brain/heart was affected enough by that incident that up until teens somewhere, I cared about what others thought about what I wore. This was over 20 yrs. ago, and as a child I had the brains enough to have allowed myself to be influenced (negatively) for a long time. She picked him, because he had the cleanest shirt. NOWMaybe she had already picked him, just because she liked him, and seen that he had on the cleanest shirt and made that the reason. Could she have been that smart? Hell gnaw, couldn’t beNOW. Even if she was, the only thing that mattered is what I believed at that moment, and that was that I was turned away from the girl of my dreams because of the cleanliness of my shirt. NOWHow was this girl being raised, that that would suffice as a tool for picking a boyfriend (retor….)?NOW

I don’t know if I always peed in the bed, meaning, it just never stopped after diapers, or if it just started one day (Note). I remember the first time I can recall. I remember having a problem with it in preschool. I remember the day it was naptime. We lay on cots, blue cots that sit up off the floor. It was a plastic like fabric with little holes in it. It had metal legs that kept it off the floor. I would usually pee in my pants, but I guess I figured, “not today”!!!!! Before I went to sleep, I pulled my thing out, after unzipping my pants and laid down to go to sleep, with my thing pressed up against the cot, so that if I peed while I was sleep, it would all be on the floor, by going through the holes in the cot. What happens if I woke up and there was piss all on the floor? My little mind didn’t think that far ahead I guess.

And the morning of my nap came, and there I was, looking at my puddle on the floor. I don’t MeM if the teacher had already seen it, and called me on it after I woke up, or if I had enough time to try and clean it up. I think I went and told her that there was something wet under my bed, and she asked me, well how did it get there? I remember her feeling on my pants to see if they were wet (of course they were nice and dry). The plan was turning out to be a great success. It still did not change the fact that I knew that I had pissed the bed, once again, against my will. NOWI had no control over things that were affecting my lifeNOW. I MeM the time, also in kindergarten, when I had pooped my pants. Me and mom walked all the way back to the house while I had to try and make sure it didn’t slide down and come on out of my pant leg and all into my shoe. I MeM it being quite sandy, I peed with it also. I got a big old bag of used up underclothes that day from kindergarten. I MeM sitting in the tub, and little pieces were floating around with me. That’s all for preschool. NOWLater I asked myself well why did this or that need to happen, what benefit would Satan get from this, with me as a young child? I was being set up to have low self-esteem. I will explain why it was necss later.NOW
I almost didn’t make it out of NY. My devilish sister, tried to kill me with the snow of NY one day while walking to school. It was me, her, Rasha and Thera. I don’t think Emode was there because if he was he may have been keeping with me. Rasha and Thera where her two friends, up in her age range and Emode was Rasha’s brother. I stepped out the house that morning with some tennis shoes on. Yep, tennis shoes, in the mid of winter(or sid maybe it snowed in the summer in NY), snowing in NY. I don’t MeM exactly when I started to fall behind, but I know that the Devil woke up early to jump up and down on my sister’s bed and kick her in the face to make sure she left me that day.

Message of Love(sexually explicit content). 2nd 12 minute reading with explanation. After preschool, up to 3rd grade.

I called out to her (I guess after pride was no longer an issue). NOWI’m sure I had been trying to keep up, but was no longer able. There is no way she forgot, unless she had been just that co(sexually explicit contentld (no pun intended)NOW. I called out with the little voice I had back then, “Sheronda”. The more I called, the further they got. I kept walking, trying to get closer, only to find that I slowed with distance. I approached the field which was filled with snow. Notice how I said THE field because me looking at it then, it was like looking up at a huge mountain to climb, not in height, just in the task. This field was usually covered in grass. They had made it across the field already. I felt a little relief. Once you get to the field you are able to see the school from there. I figured I made it this far I could make it to what I could see. I began to walk into the field and called Sheronda one more time. I made it a few steps into the field and found that the deepness of the snow was too much for my already, half frost bitten feet. I turned around and decided that I should try to make it back to where someone was going to see me. If I would have tried to go through the field I would have died there. There wasn’t much traffic going through that field. I felt that I was going to fall down and I didn’t want it be in the middle of that field. I turned and began to step out of the field. I went down on the sidewalk. I crawled to the road, in between two cars (if you can picture a NY road with a line of cars on the road by the sidewalk. A man was driving by and saw me. He drove me to my apartment building and took me to a neighbor’s house. She set me in front of the fireplace and thawed my feet out. I was brand new. I’m sure that that incident contributed to the poor circulation in my feet. NOWthis was never a mind issue for me, it didn’t affect me in a negative way, and didn’t have much to do with what I thought about myself. I almost died that day in NY. Dying was the least of my worries. I was about to begin a part of my life where curiosity and confusion would become a constant. This incident would put me in a category of losers that I understood enough, only to know that I was no longer confident about something that I once held confidence in.NOW
Me and Yung were in the living room over Mrs. T house. We had started to prep our space for our reality game. We were going to play house. I was going to be the “dad” and she was going to be the mom. We threw a blanket over the couch and TV, and lay down to spooning. It didn’t take long before something in my pants started to rise that I never MeM rising. It got hard, fast. It got uncomfortably hard, too fast. I slowly got up and walked out the “house”. I went to sit in a corner created by the end of the couch and the wall. I just sat there. NOWWas everybody ahead of me in this life? Why was she able to still continue as usual? What didn’t she feel that I was forced to, and what was her thinking that allowed her to be able to hold to the acting role, remaining comfortable?NOW. Yung called to me, “honey, come back to bed”. I never went back. There was embarrassment, confusion, and a sense that left an unfulfilling feeling in me. I would begin to search out ways to feel as if I was able to fulfill something. I was chasing after the wrong fulfillment at this young age (before 6 I’m sure).
Which came first, the cats or the boy? Well, I began to experiment with my pet cat/cats. Either one or the both of them (don’t MeM, because we never had them both at the same time). I would look at the cat/cats or try and hunch them, sometimes putting my thing (skin to fur) on the cat/cats. They would squirm and try and get away. The cat/cats still stuck with me/lay at the foot of the bed when I was sleep. NOWI think the cat/cats knew more about what was going on than me at the time, may have even had a little forgiveness in heart.There is always a buildup, or breakdown. There is always better or worse, higher or deeper. In a search to be able to fulfill, be it yourself or whatever the situation is that needs it, you will usually only stop when there is a blockage or you’ve reached the fulfilling point.NOW
The experimenting did not stop with the cat/cats. Me and Emode where in my room together. We were alone, with the door shut (flaw). We were playing some card game. How we got to kissing and me on top of him, I don’t MeM. We were up under the sheets on the bed, hunching and kissing. Mom walked in and caught us. The only excuse I had was that he told me I could do it, which to me must have made it okay, we were the same age, he was a boy, and there was consent. What’s the problem mom (retor)? I don’t think she spoke on the issue much. She, maybe just told me not to do it again, after sending Emode back to his house. Great job mom (sarK).
I went on to sucking another boys private under a bed at a neighbor’s apartment (incidents around1st, 2nd, 3rd grade). After I finished with him…..ooops other way around, he sucked mine, and after he was done, I was ready to return the favor. He opted out of what I thought to be the deal. Still confused till this day as to why he didn’t want me to do him. I’ll take a break from sex for a while just to speak on other things going on while I was in NY.
The only other thing I can remember being important was the fact that my mom had a nervous breakdown. I was sitting at the house that day. She had kept me out of school. I was sitting around the house and appliances were everywhere in the day area. I don’t know whether she was working on things or just unorganized, but there was a clutter. She must have sensed something. I think this was her second episode, so I’m sure she would be able to get a feel for it. I walked myself to school that day. Later we were told that our mom was in the hospital. We were picked up by Adam (moms gay friend, stealer of my Super Nintendo (Christmas gift), I believe). When we got to the apartment everything had been torn up/ thrown around. I was not really there. I had no feeling regarding the issue. I was blocked off from those. I had my own problems. Nothing registered for me, as I stood there right by the door looking at everything and listening to them speak on the topic. Adam walked over to me and hugged me, saying, “it’s okay to cry”. There was nothing to cry about, and if there was, there were no tears for the crying, I grabbed him back and tried to act as if I was sad, so that I didn’t leave him hanging.
If I needed one last hit from the self-esteem council, it would come as planned I guess, following schedule. Me and Sheronda never did anything sexually together. The most sexual activity between us was her grabbing my balls in a fight or something. It was one of the most uncomfortable feelings I MeM, because in my life I thought differently about actions that involved sex. I didn’t know whether to think she was trying something sexual with me or not. It never made sense to me. Why was she sitting here holding my balls? She was also a female, and she was touching that area, which meant that she was probably able to size me up in the instant….. There was Rasha Thera, and Emode, that could be used to separate us in our sexual endeavors. We would play a game where we lay on top of each other, first person on the floor and so on, and just try and balance it out. The main point was to get your press on (balls to butt or balls to their front). We would do the same thing standing up, first person on the wall. Me and Sheronda always separated. This one day. Thera and Rasha must have figured out that I had a dick in my pants, that it wasn’t just a lump. They chose, that day to see what it looked like. I MeM being on the bed while they tried to pull my pants down and get a peek at it. I tried to giggle and smile while I fought them off, so that I wouldn’t seem like too much of a cry baby, hoping that I would win the fight.

Message of Love(sexually explicit content) 3rd 12 minute reading, with explanation. Before and leading up to BRONK NEW YORK for the last time.

I MeM the scariness from the possibility of me being exposed. I already had my issues going on. Then I had my sis, every once in a while making a statement about the size of my thing, it being small, whenever she might catch me with a towel off or something. Today or not any day, I would have rather no one seeing my private. Dealing with my sisters nagging was enough. What I figured would be worse, was just that. They managed to pull my pants down enough to where they could see it, and laughed and giggled and commented about how small it was. I MeM playing it off as if I felt nothing. The emotional confusion was the worst i had ever experienced in life before that point. NOWThe only way I can think I would have been able to describe it then, I would have probably needed adult help to explain. As soon as it was over it was like being raped. I have a better understanding of what that may be like, and thinking back, I felt that same way.NOW I just wanted to be away from them. I went immediately after, and found something to measure it with. I found some measuring tape. I went in the bathroom and locked the door. Till this day, all I MeM is the number 4. I never wanted any other girl to see my thing. I never wanted to feel the way I felt that day, ever again. Whatever bit of heart I was holding on to was broken and torn with that incident, I had no level of self-esteem that could lift anything in me. From that day forward, I only had the ability to act as if I was a bit bolder than I felt. What I thought about myself, period, no longer mattered. The feeling I felt when another person spoke on me, overrode the fact that my own thinking could weaken the effects of another’s perception of me. What was real was what had happened. If they said it then I believed it.
The reason for us leaving was not understood to me, but we were gone, I was in the fifth grade, as I MeM. We left NY. I have never been back. The most important thing to happen in NY would have to be this incident where I was young and small. I don’t MeM being tall or having much height at all. I was upstairs over what I remember to be a cousins house, I slightly MeM having a big coat on and a book bag. An older male cousin which was much older than me, and much taller had asked me if I knew what sperm was. I of course said no, and he grabbed me from behind, humped me and ejaculated, and said , by some type of way he had either said , let me show you, or when he was finished said that’s sperm, maybe both. Later that night I woke up to him over me in the bed on his knees with a huge “thing”, his thing in my face, just pointing it right in my face. I don’t remember any word, or anything else happening. NOWI only put that into the story to help people U the things that will come later. I did not MeM MeMing these event vividly, or ever throughout life, until I was a teenagerNOW

NY happened all before the age of 11, I want to say. Sheronda was three yrs. older than me, about to go to high school. She would have been either thirteen or 14 when she started. NOWI am not the only young person to experience these things. My heart never turned over. It never went evil. I stayed innocent. Some do not. They anger, or have a harsh resentment towards others. My confusion was so strong that I didn’t have time to become angered. I only had time to try and fix the problem. I approach my whole life the same way I approached those issues in my childhood. I keep pushing until there is no more push available. I was a man (male). It would have taken more than just situation, for a woman to have experienced what I did in the manner I experienced it. This means that no woman could have the level of thinking I do, because her make-up was not made for it. She is a female for a reasonNOTE. A woman’s being is not set up to be a KING. She will always be in submission to the king that teaches her. With this message that will change. As much as a woman is allowed to experience on her own, could never be more than what a man is allowed, meaning, a woman could have never carried this message, before a man. This is why I believe no woman could tell me anything. When it comes to a man, he had the potential to experience those same things I did, and I’m sure some, to some degree has, but along the way they may have drifted from the order. I just knew that none of the people/men I ran into were able to relate to me, and by being with them and speaking to them, men or people, I found that my thinking was different from them all, at all timesNOW
There was some back and forth, from SC to NY, while NY was the permanent residence. I would do some school in SC and then go back to NY. Let’s talk about the younger yrs. in SC. I MeM meeting Daj. We were outside his yard. I can picture it a little. He was small then, because I was young and I’m 3 yrs. older than him I think. That would pretty much be the stretch of things, as far as the hood went, on Shiloh Heights Rd. Taur stayed round the corner before you get to Daj’s house. Don’t know if he had moved there at that time, but that is where he would be later on, and Yel would move on that path later also, and those are who I refer to as my brothers. In school, starting elementary I was pretty much on my own. I knew no one but Daj, pretty much, but he wasn’t in my area yet (school). I was submitted to making new ”friends”. For some reason these boys didn’t take kindly to my kind around these parts(humor). All the boys jumped me out on the playing field at jd lever. We were playing “throw it up bust em up”. This wasn’t a welcoming beat down, and now we are going to be cool with you type event. I never got close with any of them till later. Not really close, but talking and chilling. I built a fear towards each one of them singularly because I always felt as if they would just jump me again. My life in Aiken was built around fear for a while because I had to deal with these boys while going to school and could run into them around the neighborhood. One specific guy, Wise (NOTE), took full advantage of this fear and bullied me for a while. It’s a scary and helpless feeling to not be able to help yourself and to pretty much be waiting on somebody to hit you whenever they get ready, knowing you will not do anything about it. I don’t believe I ever mentioned it to anyone. I might have at school. Maybe, but I don’t MeM. I never told anyone at the house, if so it’s just not sticking with me. I dealt with it and avoided him as much as possible. It wasn’t that I was just scared to fight. I fought all the time in NY, not just a bunch of people. Fighting wasn’t something I would run from. I would’ve even tried to fight one of them, but I’d think the rest were around and I hesitated to go all in. There are really only two incidents I MeM with Wise hitting me, but what he had done (if anything else existed) stuck with me for a long time. The two events I MeM, have stuck with me up until now. The first, was on the side of a car in the school parking lot and he punched me in my stomach, and kicked me while I was on the ground. You just, sort of wait for it to be over. The last time, I was riding leisurely as I would through the neighborhood, on my bike. I made the wrong turn that day. I never knew what part of the neighborhood he lived in, and really, he was the furthest thing from my mind. I managed to ride around the wrong corner, and he spotted me. He screamed something out, and the chase was on. NOWWhy did he have to have a bike alsoNOW? I’m off, cranking it up to high speeds, with no regard for the “upcoming” hill. The turn, off of the hill was what I really didn’t prepare for. I sped down that hill scared as ever, but just knew I was going to pull away from him. I ended up having to make an abrupt stop, because there was only a wall to run into, and me falling off the bike if I tried to make the turn. We met up at the wall. He made a statement about him catching me in his hood, and punched me (cant MeM where but I don’t think it was in the face). That was the last time I MeM us running into each other. I don’t MeM any other incident of him in my life, or even the mention of him till later on in my teensNote.

Long reading and Explanation

Sexually Explicit Talking/reading . WARNING

I had a girlfriend for a while (jk), at J.D. Lever. She was that girl that everybody wanted. I asked her out and she said yes. I think she dumped me that same day. NOWMaybe it was just a joke to play the new kid, or something. I had a crush on her until recently I saw her and she had physically fallen off, but if it wasn’t for that, the same crush would have remained. I think that it may have had something to do with my popularity at that time, maybe she was getting clowned about dating me. I didn’t have a problem with talking to girls, or really doing anything with them. I could play that along well. The problem with my acting would always be the power to hold on to that “act” when the clothes came off, or when it got to the point of the other partners judgment of what I had in my pants. Academically, I don’t ever MeM struggling. I was probably ahead of them in schooling because of growing up in the NY school system. Me and this other girl in my class in NY had scored the highest in our district on our test (something like a pact test. My potential to be great in this world has always been obvious and there. I just wasn’t allowed to be thatNOTE. I scored those numbers in the midst of everything I was going throughNOW. I used to tell Jackie that the work was too easy. Jackie was the aunt that would raise me aside from Debra being the parent. I had my issues, but they weren’t affecting school yet. I started to get older and more and more, I started to care about what my peers thought about me. School started to be a problem then, because I cared more about my appearance than school. Problems with school started in middle school.
I didn’t have many problems in the neighborhood. We all knew each other well enough for nothing to become a major issue. The most drama I would have was on our street, hanging out with Daj and his family. Everybody hung over there, on a daily basis, all boys, and Daj was the youngest. Me and him would always end up arguing or fighting, leading to me getting “kicked out”. I would usually return the next day, and everything would be as usual. NOWI needed their house more than they did (the boys). I needed that house more than any other boy who chose to hang there. Structure was desperately needed on my side of the fence. At Grammy’s house, it was me, and three other girls, Jackie, Snoop, and moms (for a while). Often there was no man. To have a place where there was a mom and dad figure, and brothers, along with a godly picture, made my life seem a bit simpler than it was. I showed that appreciation every chance I got, even if it was by doing choirs. It may have seemed to everybody else that I was trying to out shine them. I was just trying to show my appreciation, and be kept around as long as possible. Daj may have felt as if I was trying to take his family away from him. Mr and Mrs did do a lot of adopting and that would usually mean that they had to share most of their attention with the other kids, and kids around the neighborhood. While I was young I may have thought for a second that he was jealous of me, but I’m sure he just wanted his parents to himself. I was the closest to his age, and the closest for him to take it out on whenever he felt it necss to do. That was my brother. We’ve known each other for a long time. The only brother I had for a long time. Though I was calling him a friend back then.

In NY I had my sexual experiences, but in SC those kinds of doors weren’t open in the same way. I didn’t have the opportunities to do as much. I did things with people I had known. I didn’t know anyone down in Aiken. It never really carried over like that. Doors began to open.NOW I had a family member stayed not too far from me. He was maybe a yr. or two behind me. We experimented often, when I would go over his house. I’m not really able to put those memories together enough to tell a proper story. It is just saying that these sorts of acts didn’t have long periods of pause in my life. They were fairly consistent. Things were sexual, usually with the same sex, but it was all consensual. I spent a lot of time exploring things with him, nothing that ever gave any clarification. It never went far because neither one of us knew enough. He would be the first male I ever made ejaculate while giving the person head. Things that I started to engage in became bigger as I got older. I was chasing every level, going in without hesitation, unless it involved exposing me/my penis.

I’m going to have to go back to age 11, which had to be, not too long after leaving NY. My mom had gotten a place over in Gloverville, SC. I think after she had gotten situated I moved in with her and started school in that area for a while. Aiken to Gloverville is what it would be, back and forth, because I wasn’t able to stay in a school long, usually do to moving around or bad behavior. The elementary school in that area was predominately white, and I ended up doing just fine in that school, and didn’t have too many problems, if any. Middle school would change all of that. I think I stayed with her and started middle school in Gloverville, at Levell McCampbell. I ran into all the little grown black kids, and for some reason I wasn’t able to get along with them.

All the white people adored me. I got along fine with them. There always seemed to be a “nigga, hatin”. It always seemed that I was at war with somebody. I think I had a slick mouth, but never really wanted to fight, and usually the people I had problems with were bigger than me. I was a little guy back then. Every big guy wanted a piece of the cute little smart guy (smirkin). I wrote the first poem I can MeM writing in life, at that school. It’s called I’m a Child. It was a sad poem about a child that needed help. My teacher posted it in a book for student’s writings. All the students were asking me if it was true. I told them I was just writing it. I had expressed more hurt of my life than I thought in that class assignment. I did fight a girl (jenny). She was a tomboy, or didn’t have nice clothes and she was my size. She cut my game off right when I was about to beat Oregon Trail, in one computer class period. I never fought or hit a girl after that incident. I was so gone, I used to climb under my desk in the classroom. NOWi was in middle school…..I was trippinNOW. My school behavior was getting worse. I was slick antisocial and had a behind the scene life going on.
When I moved with my mom in Gloverville, I moved into a circumstance that was not going to be healthy for the kind of lifestyle I had grown up in. We had an apartment next to a Lady and she had three kids. 1 boy and 2 girls. I was 11 her son was 7, and the two girls were 5 and 1, if I’m remembering correctly. I just MeM the baby being in diapers.
I would leave there and end up going back to stay with my aunt, so that I could be accepted into another school, and not stay back. I ended up going to Aiken middle, I made it through Aiken Middle off the backs of two teachers, Falaw and turno, mostly Falaw. They talked with Jackie and they made sure they kept me focused. They cared enough, for me to care enough not to let them down. I may have started at Aiken middle, then got into some trouble and went to stay with mom, then went to Levell, and came back to Aiken Middle. I got picked at by the boys as usual, for my clothes or whatever the issue would be. I only got in one fight, I was pretty much picked out by the guy I didn’t even want to fight it was sort of egged on, so I threw my guard up, and he punched me right in the face. I grabbed him, and we rolled around a little and it was over.
My last year at Aiken middle, I started to feel myself. I stared in a play called soda shop angel. That was a wonderful self-esteem booster, for middle school. It wasn’t going to carry over to high school, and it wasn’t enough to fix the underlined issues.
I might have met up with Taur a little before Middle school. He was younger than me also. We would end up being the closest of my brother’s, we were able to spend more time together than me and Daj, free time. Daj was usually restricted to the house.
Just to keep as much of his life out of the picture, I will shorten the events of our life. I have to say that as much sexual, improper activity that I had going on, Taur was way ahead of me in the sex game, and he was younger. He just had the chance to experience things in a more consensual way. There wasn’t too much going on about the other that we didn’t know about. I grew up getting into dirt and exploring life with Taur. Later, I’ll explain more. I had my brothers. They were all I knew. Taur was the only one that was consistent, and we never had a problem with each other. NOWThe bond I had with him would always remain the same with me. The bond he had with me would dwindle when I went on vacation. Daj changed after the vacation, but the bond was pretty much the same.It was awkward between us, but we knew what it was. I wouldn’t meet Yel until after the vacation. Excuse my jumping back and forth. Things should clear up more after I get up to the vacation/business trip. Everything before that was back and forth, here and there, nothing too stable. I had to experience so much humiliation. It was necss for me to think of myself as being at the bottom of the totem pole. I lived a life where I saw no flaw in others, unless it was flaw in thinking. I could not step outside of my life and judge any. This didn’t really kick, strong into effect, until after the vacation, but it was building, and was pretty much a part of my thinking in the meantime. Everything was wrong with me that I had no control over. I was going to make sure that everything I had control over, I controlled. I measure a person by that same thing. I notice the things that a person can do something about. On a daily basis people choose not to elevate. I view them by that decision, and also watch those who are proud of themselves for things that they had no control overNOW.
Well as much as I hate to go back to the small dick stories. It is necss to show that this was consistent in my life, hearing it, or being shown that it was the “truth”. I encountered no one in my life that had a smaller penis than me. Not in my age range anyway. Even those younger were bigger. Just to me, in my life. I felt as if I had the smallest in the world. Me and the boys were over Grammy house playing games where you had to show your imprint of your thing. This was not something I volunteered, or even suggested. You can be sure of that. To back down would automatically mean you were scared. We went from that to pulling it out and shaking it real fast, again to show that you weren’t scared I guess. I was just along for the ride. It was about 5 of us. I ended up getting shown up by all of them. Then somebody told some of the girls and it was going around middle school that we did it, and mine was the smallest. NOWjus a thought) Big dick niggas can’t be trusted, they are such show offs, and have a big ego for that one reason only…..smh, just left me in the wind (humor) (slight truth)NOW. The last thing I remember is being in Aurora, it is a little people crazy house (sumt like that). There were girls in there, younger than me, which I was sure that I could impress. I showed them, and their response was, “it’s so small.” NOWIf you could imagine, just take a few seconds and try to imagine your biggest flaw, then think of how it would be, if at a young age, it seemed that you were the only one with it. It seemed that I had tried, and would try every situation to get some get back, or to come out on top in the dick game. I lost, or would loseNOW.
I heard a lot, that I was so smart, but didn’t have any common sense. I’ll explain my thought on that phrase “common sense” later. My thinking was different, my daily focus was different, not just more different than the average kid my age, but different even from the average adult who had never seen what I saw, or could not, or hadn’t even began to imagine that these things were going on in my head, when they went to talking about things that were trivial to my lifestyle. Everyone was waiting on me to conform to the world. I didn’t fit into it. I woke up in the morning with hidden agendas. I didn’t wake up trying to figure out how I was going to pass a class, or who I was going to spend time with today. The simple everyday task that people were focused on, were clouded by everything about my life that I had yet to figure out. NOWI do not have anything left to figure out now, but my brain still processes so much shid on another level, that people look at me like I’m slow at times and I play the role because it gives me a break to act as they do. They are just so caught up in themselves that they do not think that I am mirroring them, in order to not expose myself, mentally. Most of you all are grown now, but I’m going to recommend a daily trip, that you take back over your life, just searching for things (anything). Some things weren’t just things you went through. Things in your past can bring you up to incidents in your present or future. There are memories that were not lost, that I did not hold on to. I did not make a choice to remember them in my daily life, and that made experiencing them in the first place, pretty much pointless. You never know what you may MeM if you give it a shot, and how you will be able to apply it. Okay, I’m about to end everything before the vacation, because I’m ready to get to a point where I have more recollection of what was going on, and MeM more clear the thoughts that came along with them. I won’t leave anything that needs to be mentioned, left out, in my haste. I may end up doing a little backtracking later if anything pops upNOW.
So let me sum it up a little. I grew up with women, a slightly crazy mom, and untrained sister. I was involved in sex early in life, never made any real bonds, we moved around too much. The bonds I built were with my brothers, all younger than me, no older role model. My brain was brilliant (if I can say so myself). Girls failed me. Boys outside of my brothers failed me. I trusted no one. I still believed in God (whatever that meant). All before the age of 15,
one more slap in the face, before I take my vacation if I may.
So I’m at church, Mt Anna, we went every Sunday being drug by Jackie. I mimed there, sung there, stole from there, chased girls there, and smashed the competition in Bible Bowls! To think of it, another incident of how much I focused on other peoples view of me was when I had mime practice one day at the church, and I’m sure, because of the movement that having shoes on prohibited, the instructor asked everyone to take their shoes of. On this day, I was not wearing nice socks, and all the older, attractive females were there. I wasn’t about to be embarrassed. Long story short, I put up an argument and stormed out of practice, walking all the way from Mt Anna to Shiloh heights.
It was only right that I meet the new girl there. Christina, I was on it (smirkin). You all have to imagine my swag, I’m telling you, you wouldn’t know that I was carrying around the world’s smallest penis in my pants. I had learned to play the role so well. I shined with confidence. Everything I touched turned to gold. I was athletic. I liked the way I looked I was head smart. I had built and appearance that I had become comfortable with. I rocked it well. Well, anyway, I got her number. We started talking on the phone. Eventually I talked my way into a situation that I had only pictured half of. I been had a “mouth piece” just no Knowledge to go along with it.
So I invited her over. She said, “what are we going to do?” In the slickest of tones, and as quickly as a person could respond, I said, “what do you think we are going to do?” I was tripping. I was tripping hard. I had never even gotten close to sex, but I spit that comment out, like me and her had done it millions of times before. I hung up the phone that night like I hadn’t even said that, like there was nothing I should be trying to prepare for. The day she was coming over, it was just me and Snoop (sheronda) at the house. My sister was a freak, so she was not the one to try and prevent another nigga from getting his freak on. It would have been nice if her freaky ass would have given me a few pointers before she left. I asked her if she could leave because I was about to have company. Don’t ask me what I was thinking was going to happen that Snoop couldn’t stay. Don’t even ask me if I was even thinking about the potential of what could happen by me asking her to leave. I was just feeling myself. I felt like I knew what I was supposed to do in situations like these. I had watched enough t.v., and had heard enough on the topic to allow me to play it smooth. I was doing just that. Pooky wasn’t playing any games (my aunt called me Pooky).
Her sister dropped her off. Her sister was going to the mall and would be back to get her. Christina showed up in some black tights and a casual black blouse. I was back there trying to get my little nappy afro ready, I was behind in my hygiene, acting like I didn’t know she was coming. So I picked my head out, threw on my best hoody, and met her at the door. I invited her in, and with all the nerves in the world I lead her to Grammys’ sanctuary, we sat in the living room where Grammy would have shot a hole in the back of my head if she knew we were in there. We sat down next to each other and talked for a second. I sensed that the conversation was falling a little. I got up and went over to the stereo that Grammy would have shot me in the hand about, if she had known I was touching it. I was in suave mode, and all consequences meant nothing. I was going to show off tonight (giggles). Grammy kept such a nice place, she helped me show off. I might have even thought I bought some of that furniture in there that night. I was the man of the house. So I tip back over to Christina and sat down next to her. If I had known that cutting on the music was going to trigger something in her I might have just sung a church song, (shid that’s where we met at). Before I knew it, this sweet little innocent girl had climbed on me and was dancing in my lap, and we were kissing. Okay, this is new. I was liking it, I was slightly shocked. I had never thought that she could even move like that, better yet, be the promoter of her own “stuff”. I’m going along for the ride, when, over all the noise of the tires (from me being along for the ride) and music, she managed to get out of the trunk and whisper in my ear. I was along for the ride, but this ride wasn’t real. She wasn’t really here. Until she spoke in my ear I had drifted off to a place where doing no more than what we had already started could have held me prisoner until I died. “I don’t wanna be a virgin no more”, slipped from her lips like she had rehearsed saying it while looking in the mirror sitting in her dads lap while her mom was in the room having sex with another guy and she knew it. I had no choice but to drift further into shock. If I had a chance of coming back from the other level of shock, that was blown with those words. I froze. My whole appearance that I had been wearing and using for my cover had been tried. I had been exposed and had no game plan. I would allow shock to make every move for me until the shock imposer freed me. I told her I’ll be right back. I went to my room, found my remote control car that I had gotten for Christmas, and I ran it back and forth into the bed leg while I was sitting on the carpet. I ran that car into that leg until she came and saw me doing just that. She spoke to me and I couldn’t answer. She got down on her knees and said its okay, and kissed me. She said, “We can just go back in the living room if you want.” I believe I nodded, and we went back in the living room. I held her in front of the fireplace until her ride came and got her. I don’t remember talking to, or seeing her again, not to say that I didn’t. Not too long after that I moved with my mom again because I was going to start high school with her because I had gotten kicked out of Aiken High. I was in the 9th grade. I was 14. I was about to take a business trip. NOWAll flaw needs is the opportunity to express itself, and more than lightly, it will.NOW

NOWOkay (deep breath), I want to say that these stories are fiction, just to save me, but o well. If I face any consequences, for stating these truths, it is something I must deal with. Just keep your mind open, and remember that I hold back on teaching to tell the story. I am only giving you, mostly, information, and not as much knowledge to go with every story and explanation. Because I choose not to fully explain everything and why, it may leave you a little less able to deal with the story. Just hang in there and all with be explained, remember this is a message, not just a gossip story or me telling a story about my life. It is intended to enlighten you……well enough stalling…………………So I started to write a little about age 11, and somewhat after that, but I’m going to go back to age 11 where the start of what would send me on vacation began.NOW

When I moved in with my mom, we moved in next to Jek and her kids. I was 11, he was 7, she was 5 and the baby. I ended up being a babysitter to those kids. Their mom may have been on drugs, I MeM faintly that being spoken of. The first thing I can MeM going wrong, is diaper changing. I was babysitting and the baby was either wet, or I just decided to see what was in her diaper. I think that she was wet and I had to change her, or she may have even pooped. Ultimately I used the opportunity for experimenting. I MeM thinking, as I stood in front of her, while she was on the bed, that this was a perfect opportunity to see what it was like to have sex. I thought that if I was to try that I would hurt her. I didn’t try because it made sense that she was too small when I figured I would hurt her, or I would get in trouble later when an adult had to come behind me and see what I had done. I counted that as a lost. I accepted that it wasn’t going down like that that day. I’m supposing that I was already touching on them in ways they wouldn’t know what I was doing. The things I had in mind to do were going to be undercover because unlike the rest of the sexual things going on I knew that the age difference was going to be more than just a “hey what are yall doing” kind of response if I was ever caught. I was always around them, hanging out with their brother or babysitting. I looked at them as family, but my thinking didn’t make that something that was going to stop me from experimenting. To me these were my sisters, and Brother was my brother. Besides playing games like hide and seek, or tag, whatever it may have been that I used to get a feel, I would try to take things to a more open field. The hidden stuff I would do from 11 on up until 15 was me sneaking a hunch in or a feel, something that they wouldn’t notice, but I could get my arousal out of it. This went on for as long as I was around them, but MeM, I moved from over there for a while. I MeM the day I wanted to show them my penis. I still was not going to make what I was doing obvious, but I wanted to test their mindset on the issue. I went to the bathroom, or acted as if I was peeing in the bathroom. I had the door cracked and waited for them to pass by and tried to make sure that they saw me. I held that position for a while before I finally got them or one of them (the girls) to look. Whatever the response was, I got my rush from it, but it didn’t last long, and I don’t’ think it turned out like I wanted it to. I was hoping that that incident would be a new opening for us, and what I was working on. I was hoping to be able to do more open experimenting with their approval. NOWnot that their approval would have made it okNOW.
In the gloverville area, School was pretty much the same, I had a girlfriend in the elementary school that lasted about as long as the one in jd lever, and had problems fitting in in schools as I got older. I had a crush on all the older girls that were in the neighborhood. Well, not all, but there were a couple, I didn’t mind expressing it to one, and kind of hid it from the other. I don’t know what would have happened if one of them would have ever given me the chance, but it felt right to engage in those crushes. In some way they probably made me feel regular, or at least seem regular to them. I liked to seem regular, even though I was in no regular, nor did I feel regular. There was Frek, I was comfortable with her. She was a white girl that I liked, and she liked me the same. She was older than me by a yr. We got along fine though. I got as far as a hand in her pants. On that day she had a pad or something blocking me, and our flirting stopped there, and we never were able to take it any further. This was closer to me getting older/ closer to high school. NOWI think eventually I would have burst out of my shell and would have become comfortable with myself. I do not know though, things could have gotten worst.NOW I spent most of my childhood with kids, mostly not of the same age range, unless I was in school. It seemed that everybody in my age range was ahead of me in some kind of way, and I did not fit in with them. When I was in gloverville, I hung around a group of boys my age, and we got into trouble and did the things that young boys do, but I always went back to my apartment, and I was always right next door to my problem. I always had such easy access to my problem. I could always result back to what was most comfortable for me. I didn’t have to take any risk. I wasn’t forced to. It began at 11, and was made available to me, my whole life, (in this neighborhood). It was no longer just the girls. The girls had young friends that would come around, and I could secretly rub on them, and sneak touching them. There was a build-up, of things getting more serious, and in my eyes I only viewed it as more of an opportunity. Parents trusted me with their kidsNOTE. My mom trusted me alone with young girls. A child usually didn’t know what I was doing, they thought we were playing a game. We had our clothes on NOWI’m not trying to justify, or make it seem like less of a crime, just didn’t want minds assuming things that didn’t happenNOW. Everything I would do was rushed and fast, so that I wouldn’t get caught, given the opportunity, I would have done whatever I could have done, or been allowed to do without upsetting the child that I was doing it with. Upsetting them meant getting in trouble. Between the ages of 11 and 15 I had also experimented with a younger boy. This didn’t last long, again, there was no time to take it all the way to the max, which would have meant me ejaculating while doing something. That would have increased the possibility of me getting caught. Everything I was doing was a trial. I was testing every child to see if I could do something, so that later on, the stage would be set for us to take whatever we were doing to the next level. I was building up to being, what we refer to today as a real life sex offender/child molester, and I guess as harsh as the word sounds, a predator. NOWBy definition, was I already? I was something bad, but things would have gotten much worse. I do want you all to know that at no time have I ever been attracted to kids. I only sought after what they could do for me that I would not allow an older girl to do.NOTENOW
I had been to Aurora a couple times and I had even made it to Bull St… These are mental places for people with problems. I left every time with the doctor or whoever, saying, “there isn’t anything wrong with him”. I acted well. I learned young, and had become great at it. I am even more of a great actor today. In my young age, going through strait jackets, needles, restraints, and padded rooms, I found that anger would never benefit me. When I used to get restrained back in NY, put in the strait jacket, and into the ambulance, the final result would be a needle. I didn’t like needles. As soon as they would threaten me with one, I would stop playing my little game. I believe that subconsciously I knew that I wasn’t upset, and there was no point in getting stuck over my acting. I knew from those situations that I had control over my actions. Regardless of how frustrated or angry it may have seemed I was, I was able to stop in an instant. This carried on with me in life, stopping me from ever bing taken over by my emotions. NOWI know today that anger is like a fake/cover up (will explain). Back then, there was no way I could see me knowing that, which is why I said subconsciously, in some kind of way, I knew that my rage was not real.NOW I made it to Bull St. when my mom had embarrassed me in front of two girls that were with us. I think I ate some chocolate that we were selling and she said something about it. I don’t MeM the in-betweens, but she called the E.M.S. out to pick me up, because I wasn’t listening to her. It took five of them to get me onto the bed (safely). I’m sure it wouldn’t have taken but one if they just man handled me. While at the hospital they needed a piss sample from me, but they didn’t think that I would behave if they let me loose. I would have done anything, meaning, having behaved, if it meant that they didn’t have to go in my pants and touch on my private, or even worse see it. I tried to beg them, without begging them, because I was still sort of playing the hard role from the restraint. There were two males, they chose to not take my word for it. They would have to use some kind of metal thing to put in my thing and pull the pee out. I wasn’t going to allow that. They was already going to have to see it, I wasn’t about to let them put something down into it. The man had to find the right size metal piece for the size of my penis. He had already picked one out, and when he got my zipper open and saw it, he made a comment that I don’t MeM too well, but I know that it was a comical comment to the other doctor to say, I didn’t know it was going to be that small, and that he was going to need a smaller size tool. I do MeM the helpless feeling of not being able to prevent them from touching me down there, or even being able to stop them from seeing it.
I was shipped off to Bull St. and I think I stayed there for a couple of weeks before they let me go. I was always given some kind of medication, that I didn’t need, but they always let me go, saying nothing was wrong with me. They just didn’t have any doctors on my level that could break me. There was plenty wrong. I would come back to the house after these trips to the doctor, and I was supposed to act as if I was normal, or as if I wasn’t different from the other kids. NOWWas I supposed to still feel as if I fit in (retor)?NOW
Not too long after the incident with the virgin that wanted to lose it all to me. I went to stay with my mom, and I continued where I left off, older and ready to experience more than I had. I was ready. I was not elevated in my thinking though. I was ready to continue pretty much as I was. I had no mind of incorporating new things into the equation. I had no plans of bringing in oral. NOWthis is not to blame anyone, but it is to show that if you do not focus, you can become the worker of another person’s thinking, and any ignorant mind is able to be a victim of learning new negative things.NOW I was already working off of thinking that was my own, as well as the thinking of others. Had I known what this persons thinking would bring to my life. I might have decided to not think at all. Whether it happened at this time or later, I do believe that the thought would have eventually been put into my head.NOTE
Me and Brother were in his house with his sisters and their company in the living room. He made a suggestion to me that, “we should get them to do something with us”. I didn’t believe he meant that he would get his sisters to do him. I don’t even know if he meant for his sisters to be involved at all. In my thinking all of them were options. We never acted or attempted to act on that, but it was locked in to my memory. I hadn’t even done the oral to the younger boy before Brother had made that statement. It must have seemed too risky for me to ever try, because everything I had ever done, I made sure they had no idea that it was going on. I was older now though, and I had been doing everything else that was getting old. It was the perfect time for that statement to work on me. I can imagine that getting someone to do that to me was a top priority from that day forward.
On this particular night, I can MeM asking my mom to play a game with me. I enjoyed doing those kinds of things, spending time with family, usually her. She turned me down this night, and that action, on this night would send me next door to find something to do. I was up to no good. I don’t know where Jek was that night but she wasn’t there. Brother and his sisters where there. I had made up in my mind to get the girls to do something tonight. I didn’t want to tell Brother, because they were his sisters, really. I went to the back room and figured If I could get them back there for something that he heard me calling them back there for, that he would not think to come and follow. I went to the back room and called them back there. I don’t MeM the thing I used to call them, but it worked, because he didn’t assume anything, if he did, he didn’t follow it up. I had to come up with a plan in that small amount of time, to not only show them my thing, but to get them to “suck it” as well. I decided to use the mirror. When they walked in I started talking to them about what I had called them for. I used the fact that the average child had an amount of curiosity. I turned my back to them and how the mirror was positioned I could look into the mirror at myself and they could not see what I was looking at. I had my shorts slightly pulled down in the front and my shirt was held up under my chin. They asked what I was looking at, and I acted as if I was trying to hide. Now I knew that I could get them to do things, so I put it away and told them not to tell anyone. They agreed. I had plans later of doing more, but I wasn’t going to take that risk with Brother in the living room.
It may have been a day or two later when my mom was in a rage as she brought me into the house and asked me if I did what Jek was accusing me of. The oldest had told her aunt what they had done. And it went down the ladder from there. I don’t MeM the actually words she used when she asked me if I had done it, but there was no way I was going to tell her I did. She said she was going to kill me if I had. The police were called, by their mom I guess. I was questioned. I denied that it happened. As they put the handcuffs on me and sat me in the back seat of the cop car, I had no feelings. I was dead again, as if nothing was happening. The officer pulled of and I looked back to see my “sisters” crying for their “brother” (me). One of the many pictures I have not forgotten.
It was maybe a few days before the incident with the girls, I was having the party for my birthday, or it was my birthday and some of my peers were outside with me. One of the guys asked me if I wanted a girl to give me a lap dance, and because of how insecure I was about my size, I told him no.
NOWI’m sure all these incidents of being scared and feeling left out were pushing me to take things to the next level with my “test subjects”. I had just turned 15, and I was going on a vacation. I would learn some necss things to begin my growth on this business trip. It was a vacation away from me and my potential to harm me, or anymore young lives than I had already. It was a business trip to enlighten me on my past and a better way of thinking, along with so much more.NOW

Sexually Explicit talk about situations involving children

I grew up reading the Bible, and going to church, Debra made sure of that. I had a great memory, so I was able to hold on to a lot of things I read in the Bible. I had some Knowledge but I was getting the wrong U of it. I was taken to the first part of DJJ in Columbia. I guess it is easier explained as being the place before prison for adults, which is the county. I was given my green jumpsuit, and showed to my room. I don’t really remember being too scared or even scared at all. I lived in a fantasy world, and often I would lose track of what was real. It took drastic things to happen in order for me to face reality. I laid on one of the concrete slabs in a room all alone, after getting settled in and realizing or accepting to myself that I was in a situation that I didn’t have any control over, I laid there and resulted to the only person that I figured, and believed could resolve the issue. I was told that if you pray and believe, and you are sincere in your heart, then God will answer your prayers. I believed that it meant exactly what it sounded like it meant to me. I believed that I was sincere and I believed in god, so my prayer was supposed to be answered, not 10 yrs from then, right then. I curled up where I lay and I cried, and I asked God to get me out of there. I told him that I wasn’t ever going to do it again. I was never going to do it again, I had learned my lesson. That was not the place I wanted to be, and the joy that I thought I had found in doing those things were no longer worth the consequences. I thought,”I was a kid, I didn’t know”. NOWNone of that mattered, being set up for greatness means that you will learn what is necss by any means necss. I will explain the things that dealt with my issues and what I believe to be necss in this phaseNOW. I went on to do my time in that specific area of DJJ. We have to MeM that I was still a little guy back then. I was cut up in tone but I was still kind of frail. I met up with a guy named Isaiah, I believe that was his name, and he was from Aiken like me. We were the only two there who lived in Aiken. He made sure that nobody messed with me. I guess for the sake of “repping” your city. Fear may have kicked in if it wasn’t for that. A big, older guy, went by Esco, usually got us hype and we would bang on the doors and scream wild out. I had one hell of a singing voice until then. I could scream like a girl. A loud screech, but I used up my voice there to scream and wild out. Because of puberty or that, I wasn’t able to do what I liked to do for a while (singing). It took something away from me.
There were boys there who were outwardly gay. I was a target for them, and they were an outlet for me. There was one who was sitting at the table with me. The whole conversation I do not Mem, our previous talking must have built up to him being comfortable with asking me if he can touch my dick. I suppose I wanted it to be touched. The only problem I had was if he was going to have a problem with the size of it. I told him, it was small. He said that’s how he liked them. I felt amazingly comfortable and allowed him to do just as he asked. Though he was okay with the size, and I was comfortable I also had another feeling as if I was being taken advantage of. It was like I was a virgin about to have sex with somebody who has already had sex, but I wanted to do it. Nothing ever went too much further than that. There was a watch on us that didn’t make that easy. If you were in for a sexual crime they usually had a slick message on the side of your door that meant you were supposed to be alone in the room.
I learned to make fe fe’s or fu fu’s. Theses are gloves that you turn into shapes of a butt, put lotion in the hole and have sex with. I tried it a few times. It just didn’t turn out to be too hot. I started jacking off after hanging around Taur, if I had been doing it before him, I can’t MeM. So afterwards, sets a time lot for me figure it out. I MeM the first day I “came”, which I had been trying to do for a while, I was over his house in a room by myself. The feeling dwindles from the first time, and jacking became a small part of my sex life. I never really got into it. So the Fe Fe was about the same. I was focused on fulfilling something not faking something. I continued to jack but it was not one of my things, it just became a past time.
(smiling) There was this funny looking white guy in there, he was young. He used to jack so much, the skin on his hands peeled (giggling, you would have had to be around him, he was a cool dude, but had a goofy look to himself and was kind of slow.) I was allowed to go into a guy’s room, named Bless every once in a while, he was older than me, he usually stayed on locked down I believe, and couldn’t really have company, but they let me go hang with him every once in a while. I think I got a feel for rapping from him, he was nice. He was either in for raping an old lady, or robbing an old lady. It was him and a couple others there, including Esco that were accused of that. Just to say though, he was a cool dude also.
I denied my charges still, even to the point of telling them that I could pass a lie detector test. I took it and failed, and of course I claimed that that I was still telling the truth. I guess it was coming time for me go to court for the issue, or time for me to go talk about a solution with the lawyer. I was driven to Aiken to talk with the lawyer, at the court house. He told me that if I held to saying that I didn’t do it, he would have to put the kids up on the stand. And they would have to testify about what had happened. He told me that, along with the option of facing more time if I lost. This was my lawyer, but he was more worried about the kids, than he was me, even if I was telling the truth. My parents were nowhere around when I made the decision to not take it to trial and to accept the plea. I guess the lawyer liked me to, because he made sure that I didn’t have to be on the sex offender registry all my life, or ever. He recommended personally, based upon his dealing with me that I did not have to register, because I had made a choice to say that I committed the crime, so that the kids didn’t have to take the stand, I guess. NOW I don’t MeM specifically if that was the reason, but I MeM that it had some weight on the decision I made. I told him that I didn’t do it, but I was only going to take the plea so that they didn’t have to go through it. I was sentenced, as far as I remember to a 6-12 months, and could get out early if I behaved. Whatever the time was, it wasn’t three yrs. The charges were originally two counts of criminal sexual conduct in the first degree, which I believe were the highest it could be. They were later dropped to one or two counts of lewd act. I was shipped back to do my bid.
I was told when I got back to DJJ that I was going to be waiting on a placement at an evaluation center, and if I passed that evaluation, that I could go back to the house. I don’t know what passing it meant, maybe it meant being honest, which I was not. When I got there I still denied doing it, telling the psychiatrist that I only said yes to it, because I didn’t want them to testify. I guess the psychiatrist must have sensed something otherwise, and I didn’t pass the thirty day eval. I was then sent to another placement. I wasn’t there long either. This place had an army type feel to it. I guess it was like a treatment center or evaluation place to. It was more open, dorm wise, than the other place. There was this little chubby guy that was always throwing tantrums, and having fits. I saw him walking to the back to be put on lock down one time, maybe moreNOTE. I was in the shower one time with a guy, I MeM him being older. I don’t MeM the reasoning behind my act at that moment. I either wanted to see if he was gay, so that I could know my surroundings, and how to play him, or I might have even been checking to see if he was somebody that I could do sexual things with. I bent his way while washing my feet. Later he walked up to me, and put me up on game. He pretty much said, you can’t just be doing stuff like that in the shower, you never know who could be looking at you or may try something. That gave me an U of him. Wasn’t too much more going on there except for this big white guy named Seth. I don’t, know till this day why I MeM him. I guess it’s because it is a Bible name. I might have become fond of vocabulary, because of a teacher there. When we were in class he would play a game, where we would have to look in an unabridged dictionary, and find any name or word, and he would have to say the definition. If he couldn’t you win, and get to do something to build up your points. He was actually pretty amazing at it. He rarely had times where he didn’t know what the definition was, and this book was huge. I admired that.
The last place before I made it to actual boys’ home for Sex Offenders was back on DJJ campus. When I got here I was way out of my league. Everybody was more inclined on that kind of life, and more willing to act out towards those who they stood over. I was one that would be taken advantage of. Again we speak on my heart, because I could have bullied somebody, but It was not in my build to do so. I was not one to take advantage of another personNOTE. That was not my way of thinking. I cared too much about people, and had experienced the abuse first hand. I MeM being in middle school/ high school, and entertaining the slower/deformed kids, more than those who are said to be regular, while my peers ignored them, or picked at them. I was glad that a simple wave from me could make them smile, and glow.
It wasn’t long before I started getting stuff stole out of my locker, or getting my Christmas candy taken. Whatever was around that they wanted, because they could take it, they took. There are a lot of kids in those situations that do not have anybody on the outside, and taking is the only way that they are able to get anything. I MeM one time, one of the older guys that I played ball with, and seemed kind of decent, said to me, after they had stole our gifts from people who visit all the kids,”you better be glad I didn’t let them take it all”. I had approached him, and asked him about it, saying, “you let them take my stuff”. So, I guess in a way he did something, but protecting me and my belongings was not his job.
I got in one fight while I was there, If I MeM right, I don’t even know what we were fighting about, but I didn’t want to fight as usual. It didn’t last long. I was pulled off by an older cat, and told to calm down. I MeM that my mouth was slick though, because I MeM an incident where I nagged the hell out of this taller/older kid, almost pushing him to act out on the issue. I’m sure he did something though. I wasn’t just running around bullying people verbally, but due to my size, I didn’t have much else. I knew that he would get in trouble if he touched me though.
I didn’t have a Uing of what a snitch was back then. I valued relationships, always. I MeM a lady officer that was at one of the other placements, and she was working at this place now. They had stolen her sunflower seeds. I knew where all the hiding spots were because I lived on the dorms with them. I took her/the officers to the spots where they could have been, and that didn’t sit well with everybody, people didn’t like me too much after that. Somebody explained to me that the officers get stuff like that all the time, it was just sunflower seeds. NOWthese days, shid, I wouldn’t tell on somebody if I watched somebody grandmother get stolen, just believe that is a way of judgement. I won’t allow my words to get ANYBODY locked up, wish it on no manNOW.
I learned how to be a bit slicker from hanging around them. I learned to like Clifford, they made us watch it before school in the morning. I learned also that showing your dick can turn you on. I had forgotten that I had done it with those girls, but couldn’t relate at that moment why the boys would flash the officers on the dorm. You stand out of eyes sight and throw your dick out the doorway. The same concept applied. You are testing the person who is watching. There response will tell you whether they are interested or not. There just wasn’t a way for them to say that it was an accident. In my situation with those girls, I had set up an escape route. I was also shown more that size still was only an issue for me. I was seeing more penis than I would have preferred. When I say that I was finding that size was still only an issue for me, around this area, we were naked around each other, or others were just doing the sort of things to expose themselves willingly, often. I was seeing a confidence in these guys that I didn’t have. Due to their size or my lack of confidence due to my size, it was still being reinforced to me that my size was smaller than everybody else’s.

Things may begin to slow down a little, but not too much. It’s going to be more that I MeM the further along I get in life. The therapist that was there made a decision to send me to a treatment center because I was not cooperating with the program they had set up on the dorm. It was a little group for us to work out our issues. She told me before I left that she just hoped I didn’t go to the new place and mess up other peoples’ treatment. So I packed the things I had, and felt a sense of freedom, even though I was still locked up, and away from the house. I wasn’t going to be in a jail type environment. If I MeM correctly, I would be landing in Ne Hop at the age of 15 still. The process of everything I had been through in that time didn’t take long. From DJJ to Ne Hop, it was a span of about 5 months. When I got to Ne Hop, I had a meeting with all the therapist that worked there and some staff. They had my mom show up while they talked to us both, going over the rules and what I should expect. I MeM Debra making a comment about me being quiet and observant. I don’t know if I was or not, but because she said it I kind of thought about it and figured that I should try to hold to that. I didn’t think it would be a bad idea. I started this program in a way where I was looking at it as a fresh start. NOWeverything new was an opportunity to be perfect all over again.NOW I never liked my life and the way things were going, if I could do things differently in a new situation, I would. In the previous placements, I had been around drama and continuous stress, and New Hope felt to me as a breath of fresh air. I think they had a file on me, but to me, I felt that they hadn’t seen me act out, so I should behave and try to hold to being as peaceful and nice as possible, and get up out of here as soon as possible. It was no longer about completing a bid. I now had to complete the program. The only thing that I had on my mind was completing this program so that I could go back to the house. All I wanted to know was how long it usually took a person to complete, and that is what I was preparing myself for. I could only imagine what the therapist where thinking about my motif for completing the program. NOWfor a while they would be ahead of me in there thinking. With the thinking I had already accumulated, combined with the information they would give me, in time, they would be no match for me.NOW I thought that I might be able to just fly through and do it with ease. It sounded simple. I had a brain but it lacked there kind of information. I needed it to get a bit further. I was still denying that I had committed the acts that I was locked up for. I hadn’t admitted it to anyone. I was holding to my denial. I figured somehow that I could finish the program and not have any treatment. I had a lot to learn. This was a building, one story with a cafeteria, NOWwait, is it a building if it has one story?NOW where we would be served full course breakfast lunch and dinner. There were therapist offices on one part of the building. The boys, all boys with sexual offences, ageing from 12(I think) 21(maybe), something like that, but those who were older, if they were that old were on their way out. There was an east side and a west side, each side had about 52 boys total. (somthin like that) So there were a total of about 52 boys there, two to a room. All of us had committed, or were being accused of committing a sexual crime, from molestation to rape, of younger kids to adults. It sort of makes you feel right at the house, with me knowing that I did do it, and listening to some of the things that others had done, it made me feel like I hadn’t committed such a bad crime after all. NOWI had committed a crime that was of course, no worse and no less a crime than any of the guys I would grow to like, appreciate, and respect and U over time. NOWI don’t MeM telling you all that when I prayed to God to get me out of the situation, I died because of that prayer not being answered.NOW When I realized that I was not going to be forgiven/set free and was going to have to suffer for what I had done, my prayer had not been answered. I asked the God I believed in, at the tender age of 15 to get me out of the situation, and he had failed me in my eyes. I stopped believing in God and the scriptures. At the age of 15 God had placed in me, a wonderful mind, and I would begin to use it against him. I made up in my mind that everything about the scriptures and him were false. I used every ounce of my power to down everything about the scriptures and God. I couldn’t be defeated in my debates. This is exactly what I was built for. All lies from the day I chose to disbelieve in God had no play in my life. I was so affected by my belief being ruined that I had tapped into a power that I didn’t know existed, all in hopes to never be hurt again by misUing. Lies could never make sense to me anymore. I was able to break down everything that people said about God or the scriptures, never able to discount the scriptures themselves, because they weren’t what I was reading. I was listening to people, so whatever they said I could argue. I could argue their opinions. NOWThe power I had unlocked could never reach its full potential because I was using it because of a negative that had happened to me. If I would have tried to correct what was being said, or even U it, I would have been greater earlier.NOW I never tried to really correct things that I was being told, just wanted to down whatever was being said.

NOWA couple more sex stories about DJJ and we are going to be on our way. One is important, the other, not as much so, just to tell that improper sex was a continuum, wait, a few more stories.NOW There was this little white boy (maybe he wasn’t so little, just picturing him now), I think he was from the same area, city or something. So we ended up talking, and getting along pretty well, he put me up on game when I got there. Well, we were in the shower together and I guess we opted to perform oral on each other. I hadn’t learned the word oral until after I got locked up. I was in a room, not too long after getting locked up, with one of the officers, and he asked me about it, using that word/phrase, oral sex. I had no idea what he was talking about. He sort of smirked as if I was playing him, as if that was something I was supposed to know. NOW I assumed, most definitely (in his mind) since I was out making little girls do it to me.NOW Me and the white boy were in the shower and consensually agreed to give each other oral. It was him doing me first, then me doing him. He either nutted in my mouth, or peed in my mouth, which wasn’t part of the plan, but either way, I tasted it and stopped. We never did anything else. There was this slightly older chubby black dude that hung out with me and seemed to look out for me. He joked with me and stuff, and we were just cool. We got in the shower one time and we were just washing. I don’t MeM the whole play, but he just ended up being up on me while I washing. I was in the corner, and hit with confusion, because it wasn’t like I hadn’t done things with boys, but this was going to be taking it to a new level. I was facing the corner, and he was coming up closer and he was on hard. I MeM a feeling that wanted to try it sort of, it made it easier that it was him, and we had hung out a lot and he was cool. I wasn’t scared, but in a way I felt like I owed it to him to let him do it. I didn’t really know what to do. I held my position, and let him begin the process. It was wet in there, and it slipped in through my cheeks kind of fast and was peeking at my hole kind of faster than I was prepared for. He didn’t get to press or anything. As soon I his dick pressed between my cheeks I slipped away. I don’t really MeM the reason. It may have been the weird feeling of possibly liking it, but it not really being my choice. I guess something about it just didn’t feel right. Maybe it was the possibility of somebody walking in. I know that it didn’t make me feel too much like a man. I may have even been aroused, my dick may have been on hard throughout the whole situation. I had some feminine qualities, being raised around girls and all, but I was feeling like a real girl at that moment. NOWI’ve lost the full feeling and thoughts of what it was like, but the closer it got, the more I felt like it wasn’t something for me to experiment with. I learned later at Ne Hop what Setting Up and Grooming was. It was pretty much a devious way of playing a role that the person you were setting up was comfortable with, so that you could get close to them to take advantage of them. It was what I had done, and it was what he had done to me, but I had no idea until later learningNOW There was this older white guy, I don’t know what the oldest could be. (yall do your research and find out what the oldest age kid could be at that time). He was going bald and everything. He looked like a real predator, just creepy, to me back then. So I’m in the bathroom, and he walks in, and I think I had just got finish brushing my teeth, as soon as he walked in I was trying to get away and around him. Somehow he stopped me and got my attention long enough to where he pulled his pants down, already on hard. His dick (smirking/Slightly pissed), was ugly as fuck. It had bumps all over it like acne, nothing breaking the skin, but it just looked nasty. Now with this guy, I didn’t feel like I had an option. So, I got down and put my mouth on whatever it was he had pulled out, and I peeled out as fast I could without running away. Luckily I got away without ever having to run into him again.NOTE for sure
We had a couple groups there where people would talk about what they were in for, and talked with the therapist. I continued to be a nonparticipant of those kinds of events. The therapist figured or just my case files put me in the category to be sent to Ne Hop. The therapist told me she just hoped that I didn’t go there and stop other people from being able to get there treatment, so I guess she didn’t have a choice in whether I went or not, but I was going. NOWThis is where a major difference in my build began. I was young, and I was about to have my mind blasted with sophisticated information, and constant therapy, not only of myself, but the therapy of others. Most people my age were still worried about what they were going to wear in the morning to go to school, and who their next girlfriend was going to be, what they were going to do for the summer, etc. Whatever the average kid’s day would Intel, it didn’t, on a wide scale, involve this kind of brain work. This is information that would be put on top of a brain that already was trying to work out all kinds of complications already, along with faint memories of church in the background. I was working hard to figure out life, so hard that whenever information or Knowledge was applied in my life, it worked on me in a different way, because as a youth, I was seeking answers……… “If you seek you shall find”……NOW.
On average this was an eighteen month program, and that held in my head, and was stained. It was accepted as a time that I would have to do, no more, no less, most definitely no more. I was assigned a buddy, which was another guy that had been there longer, and was on a higher level, to be my mentor. Everybody was given one. He was in my process group. The process group was a group of the boys that were in the program that talked openly about their daily issues as well as their past issues. There were several groups like this to split up the whole population as evenly as possible. I don’t MeM how often we had these groups, but let’s just say it was too often. We were “therapeed to death”. There was a nonstop talk about sex, and sexual deviancies, and sexual fantasies, and sexual histories, and sex, and sex, and sex information as a whole. If you weren’t sexually inclined, you would be before you left there. What you did with your sexual information and how you allowed it to affect your life would be totally up to you. NOWto think about it, it was a very risky thing to do applying all that information to a young kid’s brainNOW. For me, I was doing sexual things but I wasn’t very sexually inclined. I learned so much about sex, and at the same times, also learning negative ways to use sex. Without the proper timing or application of the information, it can be a very damaging process. This wasn’t a Christian based treatment facility. I was raised up that masturbation was a sin. My mom never knew that I was doing it, and I wasn’t going to tell her. When they asked me if I did it, I said no, because I was always taught not to. I didn’t trust them. I figured that I was a kid, they would tell my mom anything they wanted to. This ended up being a possible set back in my treatment, because I was always the kind of person who didn’t want other people in my business. Telling my individual therapist something, knowing that he would go and tell somebody else kept me from opening up to him fully.
I went for a while denying that I had done the crime, until it became evident that there was no longer anything to be embarrassed about. I sat in my process group, and listened to everybody give there speech about what they were here for and over time what I had to say felt like I was just going to be telling them I had stolen a piece of candy from the store. I still wouldn’t have said anything, if it wasn’t for the rule stating that you could not have any privileges if you didn’t make certain phases. There were about 7 or eight phases that you would have to make before you completed the program. Each phase came with more privileges than the next. We weren’t in jail, but the doors stayed locked, and you had to be on a certain phase to go outside, and be trusted, because there weren’t any fences to keep you in. We were in a regular town, with businesses and neighborhoods around. Mentor (my mentor) had a talk with me about just being open about why I was here, and I kind of grew to look up to these older guys who had been here, there character was cool, they were sociable, and easy to talk to. They were my peers who had an Uing of what it was like to be looked at as a Sex Offender, and mentally they had reached levels in this program that made them better people. Though I sat in groups and listened to what they had done, it didn’t register to me, because I talked with them, I played with them, I laughed with them, and when I would finally hear what they were in for, the crime registered as sick, but I could only see them and who they had been to me. Eventually, because I couldn’t get any privileges, I chose to begin the program. I chose to be honest about what I was there for, but I do not MeM if I ever told them the real reason why I committed the crime in the first place. I went through the program telling them just enough to get me to the next level. I don’t think I ever mentioned to them that I did it because I felt like I had a small penis. That would have meant me admitting to them that I thought I had a small penis, and would have meant also showing a sign of weakness. I think I just made it out to be about curiosity. If I would have told them the real reason it would have made me unnecessarily vulnerable. Vulnerable was something I avoided at all cost. I would always say just enough to get by, just enough to get to the next level. I was learning things about myself, because I was adhering to the treatment, but I just wasn’t telling them everything about myself. I knew everything about myself, and because of the information and constant talking I was able to take what I was hearing and teach myself, without the therapist. I had a brain that worked that way, being given the information or the Knowledge I was able to process it and be able to make sense out of it.
I started the program with a blast. I was getting along with all the kids, and staff, and I was following all the rules. I believed that I was in full control of my treatment, that if I cooperated and did what I was supposed to do, I would be rewarded, and I was the only one who could stop my progress. I was talking in group, relating to my peers, giving feedback, and obeying all the rules. I had a goal, to get my privileges to make this time go by fast, and to finish the treatment so that I could, “bust the joint” (leave). It wasn’t going to be that easy. Most of the staff referred to what I was going through as the honey moon phase, relating it to marriage, I guess, saying that it would start off nice, but I was going to come around and show my true colors. I didn’t have any true colors to show. No one was bothering me. I knew how to act. I could act appropriately whenever I chose, most definitely when I felt that I was the only one who could be my downfall. In order to get a phase, you had to complete the requirement for the phase, as far as treatment was concerned, and then you had to get a sheet that the staff would sign, saying yes or no, and why they felt as if you should get it or not, ultimately it would be up to the therapist to decide whether you should get it or not, but they depended on the staff who were there more than they were. The staff lived with us, day shift staff and night shift staff. They were sort of like our full time “parental friends”. I filled out my sheet and I got all the staff to say yes. I don’t believe there were any nos. This was just for the first phase privileges. There wasn’t some big trust factor involved where the therapist should have felt like I could have really violated. I was progressing fast, but I completed the requirements in order for me to put in for the phase so I figured there shouldn’t be a problem. I went before everybody. All the kids on your side, some therapist and staff, go into the dayroom and have group. This is where you find out whether the therapist accepted the request or not.
I didn’t really know at the time that it was a strong possibility, or better yet even a possibility, that regardless of the staff votes being overwhelmingly yes, the therapist would find reason to deny your phase. So it was read out and I had gotten all yes votes from the staff that voted, but there was a note on it from the therapist saying that I wasn’t going to be able to get the phase yet. At a time where I felt that in spite of the consequences that I was facing, I would have control over what was going to take place in this program by complying and working with the staff and therapist and whatever treatment was necss, I didn’t need to be shot down over an assumption, or over anything that didn’t have to do with a lack of, or failure at what I was supposed to do. I had completed all requirements and had the votes. That should have been enough. The therapist had come to a conclusion that I wasn’t ready, based upon what, I don’t know. I think I never really knew. NOWMaybe I had moved so fast and was doing so well, they wanted to see what, and if they could do anything to disrupt my behavioral spree. To them, if they were able to get me to act out of the order that I was acting, that may have meant that I wasn’t being real.NOW I didn’t think that was how they should have approached finding out whether I was being true to the program or not. I wasn’t acting, and I was being honest in my treatment, and I was behaving because I felt that I was being rewarded for doing so. NOWin life you shouldn’t do right for a reward, but in this treatment, doing right and abiding by the rules, as long as you were doing it and being honest, should have been fine. The whole system was based upon being rewarded for acting accordingly.NOW To me, I didn’t, really U, but this didn’t make sense. Flaw did not make sense. What they had pulled just then, did not build the trust that they would need in order for me to trust in them, and be able to reach my full potential while I was there. I talked to one of the staff, a black man, that I had a pretty decent relationship with, and he told me to shake it off and reapply next week. I couldn’t, I had the heart of a “real nigha”, and I had been faked. I told him, “they think (something, blah, blah something, I don’t MeM) I’m about to show them, what (whatever they were assuming I was) is/looks like. I had lost all hope again, on top of dealing with the fact that I wasn’t going to be forgiven for the crime, by God or the system/people, I now had to deal with the reality that I was going to be played with like a toy, and used for experiments. The things I did real, would still, possibly be overlooked and my acts would be pointless. In my head I was prepared to just be in turmoil for the rest of my stay, and my lashing out, was the only way I knew to handle the situation. So from NY to SC, from restraints in the ambulance to Aurora, and placements in the south, I reverted to what I knew, I was defiant and got in restraints there as well. I really believed I was proving my point. NOWI would be in this placement for…., well I know I made 2 Christmases.NOW The whole time I just wanted to be back at the house. I felt like I was missing something. I missed my family. I just wanted it to be all over with. Wherever I went I never got comfortable with the placement. I never let myself feel like it was where I was supposed to be. I always felt as if it was some sort of mistake. I was never comfortable with what I had done to get there either. NOWI’m going to try and place these situations in order as much as possible, and I know that a lot of important stuff took place here, but I’ve forgotten so much, obviously not the important things, but I’m just still hoping I can explain the events properly and relay them in the best way to allow you all to better U.NOW By the time I had begun this program, I had tried everything in the sexual world, except anal with a guy, and sex with a girl. The curiosities of what those things felt like were pretty much covered. I couldn’t get a girl in this placement, and trying something like that with a guy might have been crossing my mind because it was being talked about and I knew it was a was a way of getting pleasure, but the latter was surely not what I was trying to get into. I didn’t have a drive to risk trouble to try anything like that again. I didn’t forget what the things I had done felt like. It wasn’t what I was looking for. Some of the things I had done came with bad consequences, and they weren’t worth trying again for that reason. Some of the things just were not my cup of tea, and I can say that I been there already. I knew that it wasn’t the road I wanted to travel down again. My main focus was getting out of this program, and even if I had a sex hormone that would tickle me to the point of thinking about it, I wouldn’t dare risk my freedom for sex period, or to engage in sexual activities that I had already engaged in. This place did not have a religious background. Their treatment did not involve God at all. They were telling me things like, it was ok to masturbate, but to masturbate in moderation. It was ok to have sexual fantasies, but to have healthy sexual fantasies. They put people on masturbation schedules. NOWDo you hear what I am saying?NOW These kids had such problems with sex that it was ok to the therapist or the system to tell them to do it, and when to do it, and how many times a day to do it, just to keep them from doing it all the time, and thinking of anybody at all the wrong times. I won’t be able to MeM all the ways my mind was blasted with sex, but I’ll be able to express enough. Before I learned to control my sexual urges, I learned more ways to release them, or to act out on them. I didn’t know what a fantasy was. I had them, but I didn’t know they had a name. NOWfinding certain information allows you to focus in on it and use it consciously, rather than being controlled more by it, the same way with Knowledge.NOW There were all kinds of ways to sexually offend someone. You could even sexually offend someone without ever physically putting a hand on them. There were all kinds of sexual problems, all the way to not being able to control how aroused you got when you saw a person’s feet (foot fettish). Staff had the option to wear open toed sandals, but it was not recommend because it would make them a target to the patients, some patients. All the women would become targets to me over time, because I was learning so many ways to make them targets, and so many new ways to get aroused. Any arousal was a heightened state of arousal. In a secluded program like that, where sex was your daily focus, it was a constant chase to get your next piece of material that you could jack off to. A lot of these things I was already doing, but had no U of why or what it meant really. I was still out to fulfill something, and at this time, God had no play in what I was trying to fulfill, so everything I was working at was negative, but the main thing was trying to not be a virgin anymore. In the meantime, getting the highest possible arousal for the day was top priority. There were staff there, worst thinkers than some of the kids. We were in therapy, and if you were paying attention, you became a therapist. The staff were not in therapy, they weren’t addressing their childhood issues, and daily issues. I had gotten to a point where I could help everyone else with their problem, but couldn’t help myself. I couldn’t help myself because I didn’t have a sexual problem. I was learning how to deal with sex. I had a self-esteem problem. There is a difference, and again I am not making myself better or worse than the next man, because I liked these guys, they were my “friends” they were young just like me, and some had been through more than I have in my childhood, from rape by other men, women, getting abused period, and in ways you couldn’t imagine. If sex was my issue, I would tell you what it was, but it was not. Not everyone there had a sexual issue, but I believe that the therapist may have looked at it differently, they may have figured, if you committed a sexual crime, then you got a sexual issue, and you need to be here, and need to finish your treatment. NOWIn order to have a sexual issue, you have to have something going on, sexual, that you cannot control, like an attraction to something that you are not able to control, or the attraction violates another person if they were to know that it was taking place.NOW My issues were not sex, I didn’t have a sexual attraction to kids that led me to offend the ones that I did. I had a problem with accepting the size of my penis, regardless of what another person thought, and this problem like all problems, come from lack of Knowledge. I was in the wrong placement. They couldn’t treat me, and never would have been able to treat me, looking at me as a sex offender. My lack of self-esteem, after receiving the consequence, was not enough to make me go do it again. But even if they could treat me still, I would have had to trust them enough to tell them that I did it because my dick was small and I didn’t want to do it with older girls who would pick at me. They would then have to believe that, believing that I was not attracted to young girls, and come up with a reason for me to believe that the size of my penis was just fine. That was my only issue, they were trying to treat me for a sexual problem that I didn’t have and trying to make me believe that I did. I wasn’t slow. I don’t MeM if I ever mentioned to them the real reason, why I felt like I committed the crime, but if I didn’t, they never supplied the right response to bring it out of me and still continued to treat me as if I had a sexual problem. There were kids in this program that due to no fault of their own, were sexually deviant. They had no control over their sexual arousal. They could have got caught jacking off to a guy on the street, and went back, not wanting to do it again, but the urge to do so was too strong for them to refrain from doing it. These were the kind of people I grew up around, with real problems, on the day to day basis, and over time I found that I would excel in my Uing and be able to give them strength to do better. I still tried my best to be sick, and have problems, so that I could get my phases and privileges and finish the program.
I was still kind of ignorant to feelings, and my power over them, so the things I was learning were leading me to believe that I should respond a certain way to certain things. I would grow to be depressed about shid I wouldn’t usually be affected by, mainly because I was being taught to feel. I had grown up suppressing so many of those feelings that I couldn’t even feel, even at times when I wanted to, but in learning to feel you open yourself up to being subject to hurt, as well as just certain feelings that will just relieve you after they are gone. I acted out negatively because I was learning to feel, but not how to respond to the feelings. I was talking about childhood things in groups that I really didn’t even care about, but because they were trying to make me feel something, and relaying to me the feelings that were supposed to be tied to them, I was putting them into those spaces, but I didn’t know how to respond to them. I don’t MeM all the specific issues that would get me in trouble, or make me lose a phase, but it was either something like that, or something with sex. After staying there for so long, the privileges weren’t enough to keep me happy, I wanted sex. So I was doing slick things to try and get some from the staff. I would play with the possible consequence, because the privileges weren’t enough. At the end of the day I was still going to be there, but I felt as if, getting some, or getting to the point of a relationship with a staff where you could do something sexual with them, would make the day better than my phase or my privileges would. My jacking had gotten more extreme, since being there. I was jacking anywhere I could find time to get it done, because you always had eyes on you. The shower, the restroom, and in your room, but you had a roommate, and you have a staff member, always walking up and down the hall looking in everybody’s room. There was always somebody watching you. Because there were those kinds of problems in the program, you turn your head for a second, and miss a kid touch there self or another kid. You miss them staring at you or trying to fantasizing about you. I started jacking more, and doing everything I was learning was wrong to get my arousal. I was peeking out the shower if a female staff was watching the doors and jacking off of her. Sometimes I wouldn’t even wash when in the shower. There was a time limit on how long you could do anything out of view from the staff, like using the bathroom (going into the stall) and taking a shower, they were already meant to be assuming you were jacking. I progressed from that to trying to expose myself to the staff and make like it was an accident. There is a rule that if you are wearing shorts you have to tuck them under your leg where nobody can see up them when you are sitting down, so that way you can’t show another patient your balls, and be exposing yourselves to each other, or anyone else, and claim it to be an accident. I used my opportunities to expose myself to whichever staff I felt wasn’t going to say anything. Some staff wouldn’t say anything because they understood and didn’t want you to get in trouble. Some may not have said anything because they didn’t see, and the others just may have wanted to look. Even if they didn’t see, the thought that they may have seen was enough for me, and they may not have had any idea of what I was trying to do. I got told on twice, and lost all my privileges both times, and denied doing it both times. I still only showed white ladies, because I felt intimidated by all the black women that worked there, I just knew they were going to say something, either putting me on blast about my size, or just telling. They didn’t seem like the type that would let something like that fly, not any of the black female staff we had there. When you only see a few different people every day, for years, or however long, you learn to like what you can get. Anybody could have been attractive for what they could have done for me sexually. Big woman, old woman, and little old white ladies, whatever worked there with a pussy, I was trying to get it if I thought it might mean sex for me. It never happened. I only kept getting in trouble. I was growing up in that place and had built a confidence in my own appearance. I felt I was an attractive young man, well I was still dealing with acne, and I don’t know where that came from, because I had a baby face before I went through the whole lock up phase.
I was still peeing in the bed on occasion, which led the therapist to believe that I may have been offended when I was a kid. They asked Debra if she had left me with anybody, because one of us told them we used to be homeless. She didn’t know if I had been offended by anybody, and I didn’t MeM being offended by anybody. Sometimes I wished I had an excuse for doing what I had done. It may have lightened my load a little to be able to say, I did this, because this happened to me, but that was not how it was for me. There were a few black boys that I got along with fine. We were like the regular kids in a place that we didn’t belong. NOWI miss those boys now, as much as I missed my brothers then, because they understood what I was going through being a sex offender, they were not judgmental, and I would always feel comfortable around them.NOW We had group together, and talked about secrets with each other. Those are bonds as a young guy that I appreciated. I didn’t have male relationships, not like this, where I was really building with these guys, and them doing the same. I also had these older guys to look up too and show me what it was like to humble yourself as a guy, to talk to me and to know that they really cared. I had some of the best members of the program to be in my process group, helping me grow through this part of my life. I had been taking meds for a while growing up, but I had learned enough to know that I didn’t need them. They even tried to say that I couldn’t get any privileges if I chose to not take them. I chose to not take them, and because I didn’t like needles I chose not to take my flu shot (just threw that in there). NOWif you are built for something, if your mind is built for something, it takes the right situation to bring your abilities to useNOW. I elevated so quickly going through that program, I learned and picked up on myself and the errors in my living, easily. I wasn’t Knowledge yet, but I was no longer as confused as I used to be. I had a confidence in my life and in my being that I hadn’t before. This came the day that I seriously thought about committing suicide.
It’s not that I hadn’t contemplated suicide on this trip before. I had, but I had a different mind at this time and really thought about ways that I could do it. In this facility there weren’t many ways to get it done anyway. I would be left with the possibility of failing. I lived a life that required me to seem as strong as possible at all times. I never wanted people to look at me and be able to see my flaws. If I did attempt suicide and failed, everyone one look at me as being weak, and that was not an option for me. I wanted to die as bad as a person could. I was in a state in life where I woke up every morning to a life that I hadn’t set up for myself. I woke up in a consequence that I could not get away from. I had no control over my life. I wanted to die, and felt that there was no point in living. It wasn’t just a simple, I want to die type thought. If I had the means to make it happen, I would not be here today. I would have to believe that on my attempt, I would succeed. Living as weak, was scarier than living in the situation that I was in, itself. I was 15 or 16 then, still at New Hope. I wasn’t at my younger stage of New Hope when I came to the point of accepting that I wasn’t going to be able to fulfill suicide. I was more towards my confident state. Now, this means that there was a different kind of thinking tied to this thought, than what was applied before. I figured every way that was available to me to commit suicide at this place would be too much of a risk to not work. I figured that the only way I would attempt suicide would be if I had two guns, one to put to my head and one to put to my heart. I would pull both triggers at the same time. Since I wasn’t going to be able to get to those, I accepted that I was going to have to live. I had watched people who tried to commit suicide and remember what I thought about them. I viewed them as weak, and said to myself, they aint really want to die, they just want attention. They just looked pitiful. It wasn’t for me. Now that I had to accept being alive. I came up with a reason to live. When contemplating suicide, you think about reasons not to, as well as reason to follow through. NOWI am hesitant to tell you this part because I would have rather it been something for you to come to on your own. I do not know if hearing it from someone else allows it to have the same effect but, I’ve thought about it, and I came to figure that even if the thought is put in your head by me, or any other person, it will be up to you to honestly believe it in your soul, not just to believe, but for it to become the realest reality to you, and when that happens, you will be able to reach greater heights in your life. MeM I spoke of my heart.NOW I cared about people. I would give my last, or sacrifice my own happiness to make someone else happy. I did not U how to really do this at my young age, but I tried my best, when the opportunity presented itself. I MeM having a hot wheels set when I was in NY, and me and my sister didn’t get much as kids(not really in the toy department), so the things we did get, we learned to value(I did). Before I left NY I gave that to this little guy I used to hang out with and play Nintendo. He had done something to show that he didn’t appreciate it, before I left. All I could think, was, I just gave him my hot wheels set. I really liked that toy, my mom had bought the cars for me, and the track and they changed colors when you put them in water. I was a kid and I was tied to that set, but because he wanted it, and I knew that wasn’t going to be able to see him anytime soon, so I gave it to him. I can’t recall every event, but I know that I cared, and I wasn’t built on being selfish. I watched my mom in her interactions and she wasn’t selfish. She seemed to give where it may have been needed. There was a Christmas that my mom gave me the choice to get my sister a stereo, or for me to get my remote control car (again we didn’t get much, and this was our big gift). She wasn’t going to be able to get them both. If Snoop got the radio, I was going to have to wait to get my gift. I knew how much my sister wanted that stereo and I told my mom that she could get it for her. I was happy to see her smile that Christmas. NOWchanged somewhere along the road of lifeNOW.

I said to myself, you can’t kill yourself, but it’s okay, I had potential. I was athletic. I felt like I could be anything I wanted to be. These kids looked up to me. I figured through being successful in what I chose to do, and continuing to live, I would be happy being able to help people. I lived from that day forward for no other reason than to help people. I figured through my success I would be able to have more of an influence, and through money made, be able to give back. I would fall myself at times, but I never fell to where people didn’t believe in me, or look up to me as being a hope for them. For as long as I felt that I could help someone. I was happy to live. That is what I tried to do. I tried to be a role model to my peers in the program. I started to focus more on getting them to care about their life and realize there worth, the best I knew how back then. That little fat boy that was always getting into something at that other placement had found his way to Ne Hop. He was one of the people that I tried to work with. I wasn’t on the highest phase but my whole character and ability to be great at everything we did, was enough to set me apart from the average kid that was there. These kids were deformed looking, small, and just wouldn’t fit into the average peer group, so to have a person like me to accept them in sports, and in everyday events, gave them a feeling of being a part of the In Crowd. I wasn’t the only one, and it wasn’t just the black boys that I hung around who fit this description. There were some white guys there that had swag about themselves, and didn’t quite fit in to the Sex Offender picture. Just like the rest of us though, when you find out what they were there for it would shock you. I worked hard enough to get to the level in the program where I could play basketball, because it was my passion. I wouldn’t have even done enough to get to the phase I was on, if I wasn’t going to be able to play ball on that phase. You had to have a certain level of achievement in therapy in order to play ball, because it was a physical game. The therapist had to believe that you wouldn’t be out there trying to use the opportunity to touch on people, and I guess it made the game more comfortable for the people who you were playing with, Uing that everybody was in the game for the same reason and in their right mind. After I showed the therapist enough to get that phase I was comfortable with not taking the next step. I pretty much just stayed stagnant from that point on, just riding the program out. When I finally did speak and get my Insight Phase. The therapist were shocked at how much insight I really did have. I didn’t surprise myself I knew what I was learning, but I didn’t let them in my mind. I just felt like, as soon as I was out of there everything would be alright, even though I was still acting out sexually.
I wasn’t going to try anything sexually with these guys here, but I still didn’t know what it was like for me to ejaculate from getting oral sex, so I began to try and do it to myself. Overtime I was able to be flexible enough to make it happen. I came in my own mouth. I didn’t swallow. I did find it to be a letdown. Maybe I didn’t do it right. I had done it, and it wasn’t worth doing again.(smirking to myself) It required a lot of bending and for what the feeling was when I was done, it seemed like too much work to get that feeling again. I hadn’t reached a pinnacle. I didn’t feel as if I had accomplished anything. Nothing was fulfilled. I had sucked my own dick though…………. I think I may have tried it again, trying to do it better the last time, but there was nothing out of the ordinary in it for me.
More and more, the therapist, and their methods did not make any sense to me. I wasn’t building a relationship with my individual therapist, and I felt as if I had gotten everything I was going to get from this program. I had hurt my back playing basketball, and I told them that I wasn’t going to be able to do certain sports that we had to do as groups, because of my back. They said since that was the case, I wasn’t allowed to play any other sports either. Group exercise required more effort than going on my own. I wouldn’t be looked at like I wasn’t trying when playing on my own. I could go at my own pace. The therapists were real kids at times. I figured if they felt that my back was hurt to the point where it would be harmful for me to play a sport where I could control the amount of tension I put in it, which wasn’t the same when it came to the group sport, then I should be too hurt for them to restrain me. I should have been at risk. They should have put out a doctors order for me to not be restrained, which I got often, not for violence, but for disobedience. When I was in group sports they wanted me to play as I usually did, I felt it wasn’t worth the risk, I ended up just slowing everybody up, and they looked at it as if I was just finding a reason to be defiant. In order to get back at me, they put out a doctors order saying that I couldn’t have any recreation. I felt that if they were really concerned about my health, then, unless I was doing something to endanger somebody, I shouldn’t have to worry about being wrestled to the ground having grown men pressed all over my body. I just didn’t trust them as humans, because of the decisions they made. That was another reason why I chose to stop therapy. Continuing would have meant opening up more to people who cared nothing about me.

I had grown to like 6’3 not long after I was there, so I wasn’t a short thin little kid anymore. I was about 185, so my spurt had hit. I wished I could go back to some of those guys who took advantage of my size just 6 months ago. I never got in fights anymore though, because I was a big guy, and I didn’t start any fights. I knew what it was like to be bullied. I always felt like I would be bullying someone else if I got in a fight with them. Mostly everybody else was smaller than me. I had plenty of opportunities to fight, but I never misused the gift. I still talked plenty shit though. A nigga wasn’t just going to run up. I had a little more freedom, and I gave those who chose to talk junk to me, that same freedom.
Well that’s all for Ne Hop. My last day there, which I had no idea I was leaving, I guess they didn’t want me to know they were giving up on me, or they didn’t want the other patients to know. They probly thought I would have given them hell until I left. While I was waiting to go to the next placement, I talked to this one man who told me, all I have is my choices, and to make sure, before I do something that it is something I want to do. I held on to that. I forgot how he actually said it, but I know that if it happened, I chose for it to happen, and when I made a choice, which was important, to be prepared to accept the consequences for the choice I made……………oh one last thing I found out while I was there. I had been offended as a child, and I had suppressed that memory. NOWI waited to explain that because I am trying to tell the story in order, it’s not important that I was, it’s important that I forgotNOW. I guess all the talk of sex, and free time to think about sex, and going over our sexual history, brought it back up. I don’t know what I was doing that day, or if I was awoke or dreamed it. I remembered it clear as day though. I don’t MeM the age, but I MeM that I was small and It was in NY. I was over one of my cousins’ house that I usually go over, and the conversation had gotten on sperm somehow. I was walking in the room and had just walked past him and asked him, what is sperm, I’m supposing I asked him after he mentioned it. He walked up behind me and grabbed me and started to dry hump me and shot some sperm out, and said that’s sperm. I MeM it happening kind of fast, but with my thinking now, it was kind of too fast, but hey maybe he was able, or maybe it was longer than that. I just MeM what I MeM. Later that night, or another day, I’m leaning toward later that night, I was in the bed with him, and I woke up to him with his knees over me, and his thing right in my face, and it was BIG. I don’t think he said anything. I just MeM him holding it there and I said nothing, and I didn’t move until he got off and laid down (I think). NOWthis doesn’t get me off the hook for what I did, because I had no remembrance of it until this placement. It had nothing to do with how I lived my life, but I’ve grown to believe that it was possible that could have been the reason for my peeing in the bed. I may not have wanted to get up in the middle of the night for fear of waking up to that again. Subconsiously, it may have ruined me in that part of my life, but I don’t believe it had any other hold on me, if it even was the reason for my bed wettingNOW. NOTE (it was necss for me to forget)

NOWAlright, so I have to elaborate on some past post a little. I managed to leave some stuff out. I’m going to need you all to U the hurt that I was going through. MEM that you have to be trying to really relive my lifestyle and get the best U of what it may have been like. Not Uing these things will put a blockage on you being able to U what I have come to U.NOW We had outings at Ne Hop that you could go on if you had the right phase, and these outings would allow you the opportunity to be able to interact with people in the outside world (outside of the program walls). There was an older black guy there we will call him Fran. Fran was an easy going older guy. I liked Fran, looked up to him as a pretty decent role model. These were the kind of men that weren’t around that often when I was growing up. You can say I respected him. Well I had made it on an outing where we got to go get something to eat from Burgers. So NOWsmilingNOW im standing In line and I see this attractive female. I must have been staring for a while and didn’t say anything. I don’t even know if I was allowed to say anything. Fran picked at me a little. He said something like, what’s wrong with you, don’t just stare at her say hey or something. I think he spoke on it further when we got back in order enlighten me. I took that in and made sure that I said something the next chance I had like that. I felt grown, and me and my boys there did a lot of talking about what we would do but never being in that situation before, it was kind of weird. A lot of things run through your brain before you make a decision in a situation like that when you are a child like me. Or should I say a lot of things ran through my mind in any situation. I had learned to express myself through poetry it was my way of saying what I felt and was thinking without really telling people what I felt and what I was thinking. It was a way for me to express without having to say it face to face, facing dealing with those feelings in front of that person. NOWI guess anybody who feels on a certain level and has a decent vocabulary could be a decent poet. I didn’t really U poetry, but I understood the concept of it enough to write in rhyme. This is the first poem I wrote that I will be able to recite for you. The other one I told you all about, I didn’t MeM. This is where people who knew a little more about what feelings really were and suppressed emotions, could find out more about me than I thought I was telling. I thought I was doing a pretty decent job of hiding, but I didn’t really intend for people to read it because I was afraid of them Uing it. For that reason, I wasn’t trying to hide too much.NOW
I eventually started to hide the feelings and emotions a little better because I wanted to share my poetry, but didn’t want to share all of me. I did sort of want to have a voice and this was a way to do it without saying straight out, hey talk to me, or listen to me. It was called
I was learning about things that I didn’t really know existed, like remorse and empathy. The whole time I never thought about what I had done hurting the kids I did it to. I could only think about the consequences that I had, and think about being upset because to me it was an accident. It was like damn everybody, why so serious. I just asked them to suck it, they only put their mouth on it and took it off. I didn’t U the seriousness of the situations as far as what it meant for me to be doing something like that at that age, nor did I U what it meant to those kids who had it happen to them because of me. It was all so normal to me. So with these things in mind, and everything else i was experiencing. My mind was bottled. I wrote…..

I’ll give you all the rest that I wrote while I was there. All the ones I have record of (somebody lost all my poetry later on in life). As I mentioned, I stopped getting angry a long time ago, I found through my restraints that my anger would get me nowhere. I still enjoyed being able to release whatever frustration I had in a nice tussle with the staff, but it turned to torture. I never, in my restraints did anything to hurt anybody. I only resisted “arrest”. These were adults restraining me. I was kind of strong. I wasn’t the easiest person to pin. I could go a nice minute in restraint, so I guess my ability to be a nuisance to them aggravated them to the point of abuse. Certain staff would try and suffocate you, twist an arm or leg, whatever they felt they could do to get you to stop. Though I may have been wrong for not following the rules, I never believed that kind of punishment was necessary, because when a staff member restrains you out of aggravation, it really feels like torture. You can say you are done and they will still continue to press you to the point of feeling like you were about to lose your breath or just being unnecessarily mean and aggressive. It was wrong for them to do and there was nobody who cared. To the therapist or whoever you had to tell, they didn’t care that the improper methods of restraint were used. It was just another add on to being helpless in my life and having no control. There were patients who were abusive to the staff when they would get restrained but I never resulted to that, just wrestling. Again I know I was wrong for disobeying the rules, but why did I have to be subjected to torture as a kid for doing so. This is the treatment center that wanted me to trust them with my life. I must have been stretched all kinds of ways throughout my stay there. Head hit the concrete one nice time, and was slammed into an edge of a door where I bled and had to get staples in the back of my head. NOWmy peoples on the outside wasn’t shid. I wouldve been damned if my kid was being treated like that in thereNOW I was pissed. I had even gotten a shot in the ass one time. I MeM thinking how could my mom allow them to do this to me. You get up in the morning and smile in the face of them (fake assmotherfuckers) because if you don’t you suffer for no reason, because nobody cares. You molested little girls and you ain’t shit (sarK).

So I take the long drive to a place that I am not told about, like it’s a secrete or something. The whole time, my brain is on reset. Resetting was a natural thing for me, I had always been going to a different place, and had always been into some drama wherever I was. It was a constant thought to make the next time better than the time before. The things I were caught up in were never things that I wanted to be into, it was just that I ended up being caught up in the errors of my ways. So I’m thinking I have learned some things and I do not have to continue acting the same way I was acting. I will be in a new place with new people. I had either turned 17 a short time before or would turn 17 at Coast Ha (the new place) and I would be gone at 18. Part of my problem at Ne Hop was going up before the DJJ board that could have let me out early. I went before them one time, and explained that I wouldn’t do it again, and I always thought that they would let me leave, but it never happened. They were probably looking for completion of the program, or maybe for me to say some slick shid that I hadn’t learned how to say. NOWi don’t think they would have ever let me go, but at times when I would have showed my azz a lil more, the thought of having to go before them, would keep me a little more focused.NOW When I wasn’t allowed to go back to the house, I would act out whenever I got back to the placement. Being in situations like that was hard enough, but acting appropriately in those situations took more strength than acting inappropriately. Whenever it seemed that acting appropriately wasn’t paying off, I figured I might as well make it easier on myself. I acted out. Acting out was fun and easy, but eventually it would get boring and old, and you find yourself having to kiss azz all over again to get back to where you should’ve never allowed yourself to fall from. NOWI guess at your core, being real, you can only fake it for as long as you think it takes for the reward, and when you find that you were faking it for all that time, and had spent so much energy in doing so, by the time you choose to be yourself, you lack the strength to do that, which comes as a surprise to youNOW. The setup of this new program was similar to the other. There was one difference, girls. This program had girls, you didn’t get to socialize with them, but they were around, you would get to look at them, and talk to them, for a second, or pass them notes. These girls were our age, which was totally different than having to find something to be attracted to in 30 to 70 year olds. I was still out of place though. I was still a sex offender on my side of the dorm. Across from us were kids who just had behavior problems, and on the side of us were younger kids with sexual problems, or both, but they were the younger kids, maybe just for behavior alone. I can’t MeM. This time around, I was given a black therapist, but his swag was kind of white, meaning, educated I guess, more of a white guy that an actual black guy that I could relate to, but we bonded well. At times he would let his frame work of being an educated black guy that probably hung with, more dorky white guys, down, and just try and be cool with me. He knew that my therapy was done.He didn’t really press me to much about those kinds of things. I was guessing that through our conversation he could tell that I came from a program that was more developed than theirs. As before, I took on the position of therapist with the kids that were there, and tried to start my time there as a standup guy. Helping them was what kept me thinking that I wasn’t weak. It made my stay seem as if I was doing something beneficial. It took my mind off of the fact that I was locked up. There were a lot of college students that worked at this place. Some pretty attractive staff, more than I was used to being around at Ne Hop. I was older and more confident and I felt like I fit in well with them, or should I say, I liked being around them. They were as close as I was going to get to being around people who were normal. Being around them made my stay seem as if it wasn’t what it was. Being accepted by them, meant that I could be accepted by my peers when I left the placement. It just made me feel normal. I had a crush on all the girls. They were all nice looking, and again, better than the last placement, where seeing a girl in my age range was rare. I MeM being in group and a couple of the boys who were gay were disrespecting this lady that I had a crush on, surely I didn’t know her. I don’t think at that time, that my sticking up for her was because of the crush. I honestly feel that I was trying to get them to U they could have handled it in a better way. The fact that she was a lady had a little more play on it, because I still applied value to girls and women at the time. I don’t even think that I grew to dislike women, or really be rude and disrespectful to them like I was seeing these boys do. I had run into some issues with some in the other program, but I hadn’t found a flaw in them yet. I still believed in them, women and girls. To see them treat her how they were, didn’t register as being okay at all. I couldn’t U what could make them this way, so to me there was no reason for it. Later on I would, in my falling, do the same thing to the same lady, and she deserved it, she wasn’t as nice as I had assumed, and I hadn’t had a woman/ lady show such negative qualities before. You have to MeM that there wasn’t much chance for me to witness this in my life. I was mostly around boys, being locked up, and the few woman were staff. NOWand a few women are alright, but once you get to dipping in the masses, you will find that error is evident in them in the same level as man, and if not in a broader range. I don’t know if it ever registered to me how harsh I had been, or that I had did exactly what I told them not to. If it hit me then or just right now, but I had totally fallen as a positive peer and my word couldn’t have meant too much to them after I got to that pointNOW. There was an older lady that I had problems with for a second or two, but we ended up getting on better terms.
It didn’t really matter to me what anybody had thought once I had gotten to that point. I had made the decision to show out by then, I’m not sure of the reason, but I don’t think I began having problems there until I went before the board for the last time, and they told me that I couldn’t get released until I was eighteen, and I knew there was nothing that my behavior could do about it.
The program was eventually going to allow those who were smart enough to be in an accelerated class with a blend of some of the girls from downstairs, we would have P.E. with them and it would be like regular school. I was able to make it into that class. A girl that one of the boys I was cool wit/liked, was going to be in this class as well. I didn’t feel like I was doing anything wrong by getting at her because we both saw her at the same time. I eventually ended up being real close with her. I wrote her a letter. It had gotten to where I told her that I loved her in that letter, or was writing it at the end of the letters consistently. That was the first girl I told that to. The guy was one of the guys that I had process group with back at Ne Hop, I guess they dumped all their trash at this place (meaning us). The little fat boy ended up here also. I ended up writing a letter to the judge for the guy, asking that he not lock my friend up in jail, that jail was for people who………, but this wasn’t the case with my friend. I don’t know if my letter saved him, but I understood that “guy” was a nice guy, he just had issue, I grew up with him at Ne Hop, and that bond, meeting his family and stuff didn’t die. I wanted the best for him. NOWI didn’t know what I knew now, I could only offer him as much help as I had available and I guess that wasn’t enough. It probably didn’t help that I got the girl in the end either.NOW I didn’t really pay the little fat boy too much attention, but I had grew up with him also, he wasn’t in my process group, but I had tried to help him, he looked up to me about as much as the average guy in those placements did. At times I was able to have an impact on him, and at other times, I was not larger than life.
There was this one boy there that was officially gay, flamboyant, and a little more so than the other two. He had to be in a room by himself, they didn’t trust that any other patient could be in a room with him. They needed the extra space, and I was the only one they could think to put in the room with him. They asked me if I thought I would be able to handle it. I said yes. I was strong in my answer. I was confident in having been a person who experienced everything that dealt with guy on guy contact. I was wrong. We lay in the room on occasion, and I’m sure it was a basic conversation of him hitting on me as usual. And the usual turn down. One night, we were laying there and I guess I may have found out that I still had something to fulfill. I had never “came” off of somebody giving me head (oral sex). He was offering me that option, and by his talk, it seemed as if he was a pro. NOWthis story isn’t really Rev to the message much, but it is just stuff to tell dealing with my issues, so Ima tell it, but details of course aren’t necss.NOW So I agree to him giving me head. I lay on the bed and he came over, and was about to start. I wanted his act to be pleasurable so I offered him some sugar to put on it, and he applied that to the job. He made a comment about the size (something about small), nothing to outrageous. He said it in a slick way. I don’t MeM what it was.

Explicit new placement sexual content

I didn’t care what he had to say really, he was about to suck my dick, his opinion didn’t matter. The size wasn’t about to stop him from sucking it. It was taking to long for him to succeed in finishing the job, and head, to me, never was too stimulating. I supposed he was bored with it, and I was also. Somehow, he presented me with having sex with him. I then had in place something else to fulfill, having sex. Though it was with a boy, I had never had sex. I was aroused by the beginning of the oral sex, but then there was not having it be fulfilled. I didn’t nut. It was the perfect time to find out what an ejaculation from penetration would be like. I was already dead to the wrong, so why not get it all out the way. I MeMd a time at Ne Hop when Guy, that was in my process group had sex with another patient, and he said it felt just like a girl’s pussy. I was all for it. When I went to put it in, it was in with no problem, of course this was not his first time, he had mentioned to me that he had grown men do him before. I went in and began to stroke. I bent him over, and he made a noise as to say ouch. I thought to myself, little dick huh. So, not long after, I did nut in him, and went and washed off and it was over. Because of my hesitation, and not wanting to really get into it, and it being my first time, I thought to myself that maybe it wasn’t all that because I didn’t do something right. The nut was not exciting, no more exciting than the nut I would get from jacking off. I just expected so much more. I was disappointed, and I was out to make it better the next time around. The next night, I tried it again. I wasn’t in there long and there came the nut. It came exactly as it had come before, and it was not great. It was at this point that I knew that this was not for me. I didn’t like fucking boys in the ass. NOWI could have gone my whole stay there doing this with this boy, if it was something I liked.NOW I wasn’t held back by the thought of getting caught. I told him that was the last time I was going to be doing that. He didn’t take it well and told that we had done it, I denied it of course. Before or after that incident, I was beginning to question my sexuality. I think it was after. I was as real as I knew to be. I walked around my whole time being locked up, picking at the gays and making fun of them, not all, but those who got on my nerves. I used that against them. I wanted to know if I was gay. I went to find the definition. I found that a faggot was indeed a bundle of sticks. A heterosexual was a person that was attracted to the opposite sex. I said to myself, well I am, a heterosexual! Gay was happy, so I was like well, I think I use all of these out of context, but I was like what about bisexual (sexually attracted to men and woman), and homo/homosexual was a person who is sexually attracted to the same sex. I thought hard. I didn’t have to think long. I was not sexually attracted to the same sex, so to me, from that day forward I had no question of whether I was “gay” or not. I wasn’t, there was nothing about a boy that turned me on. So it was not the sexual act alone that made a person a homo or lesbian or whatever it may be. It was based upon whether they had a sexual attraction to the person.
I was very sensitive when it came to people knowing about my offenses. I wanted to be free form that title of being a sex offender. I was in class with the girls and when they found out that I was on the dorm for sexual stuff I wouldn’t go back to class. I just felt that they wouldn’t look at me the same and accept me. I was liked by them, but it was hard for me to face them. I felt as if I had to explain myself. I didn’t want to explain myself. It took chunks of my heart to tell a new person of my past. Though I lived in it every day I tried to forget it every second. I stayed in a holding room while class was going on. Reading a book and working on my vocabulary. My girl was down there, it didn’t help that I had begun to care about her, and her thoughts and feelings for me could change. Eventually the teacher, who was quite fond of me as a student, came and spoke with me and explained to me that some of them girls were in there for the same kinds of things. It was like a relief and a “oh, ok” in my mind. I didn’t feel so out of place I wasn’t judging them and hopefully they wouldn’t judge me. I made it back to class, and it really wasn’t spoken of. We continued as usual. With me writing poetry as I was, I was focused on increasing my vocabulary, I was reading books and taking the words that I didn’t know and writing them down. I would study over them. I would find a way to use them in my poetry so that I could really U them and be more fluent in saying them in my conversation. I was thinking about taking the SAT test also. We took GED practice test in my class, and were talking also about SAT’s. I wanted to go to college bad. It was kind of a passion, almost got to that (passion), because I watched the staff, mostly college students, and how they were in fraternities and sororities, stepping and enjoying life. It was admirable. That was something I was focused on. I had that to look forward to. In the meantime, I was spending my time still getting broke up. I was in a restraint and the staff couldn’t get my arm behind my back. I was on the ground face down. The way he was trying to pull my arm, was against the grain of how arms should go, so it wasn’t just my strength alone that was stopping him. Then there was a crunching sound. I yelled out loud, well I screamed. All resistance immediately seized. There was just crying, whimpering. All the boys were watching and felt for me. They just carried me on back to where I was fighting to stay away from and threw me on the floor. I cried my eyes out. I was helpless once again. I felt the care from all the peers that were around, it seemed if they had an ounce of fight in them, they would have fought for me that day.
One day I was sitting next to the little fat boy, and he was just telling me about how his parents were dead and his siblings were in foster care. I was standing up in front of him while I was about to finish up whatever conversation we were holding as I spoke with him about it nonchalantly. I wasn’t really a guy that showed much emotion and this conversation didn’t change that. I was thinking, maybe even expressing to him, ”damn you got it bad”. I told him in a humorous, kind of questionable tone, (because he said his dads name was Tyrone) “My dad’s name is Tyrone, and I got some siblings in foster care. My dad is still alive though” I think I even mentioned to him that there mom was dead, and that I hadn’t ever met them. It had just felt kind of a weird. I shook it off and continued my day. My time was almost up, and I was ready to go.


I’m going to write this as another introduction. This is an introduction/clarification. I didn’t think when I began to write this book that my writings would be complicated, but I guess I underestimated my thought process for a second. I began writing with the intentions to not explain much of what I was talking about until I got to the point in the story where I may have Ud those things. I find that the situation in my past concerning my childhood and my offences, as far as what I was locked up for, has become an issue with some of those who have read. It seems that my intentions in telling the story are misUd, and there is confusion as to my motifs. There is also just confusion. I’m assuming that mostly the situation is more sensitive to some who are reading. I was wrong for not taking that into account. I wanted to be straight forward. I didn’t want to spark emotions and thoughts in people that are uncontrollable to them. These things I speak about are the truth, and there are not many ways to bring the truth about in a soft manner, and have the people U what you are saying. I didn’t want it to seem as if I was making any excuses either. I will explain now, because of the confusion, what it was like in my brain, being the one who committed the acts, what my thinking was, and how I was confused as to what I was doing. I’ll explain it like this. Let’s say there was me, a car, a human and some money. I had an opportunity to get a large amount of cash, but in order to get the cash, I would have to accept being seen as a greedy person, unless I found a way to cheat the system. I was going to be allowed to take my car and drive down a street where money would be falling out of the sky for as long as the road could go. There was going to be a large amount of money available. All I had to do, was have the car and bring a person. I could have waited to try and get the money, but there were so many other people who had so much at the time and I didn’t have any. Though I didn’t need any, I wanted to keep up with everyone else, but I didn’t want them to see me getting money this way because this way was for poor people. I wanted to have the money but I didn’t want to be seen as poor in order to get it. I didn’t want anybody to know that I was being greedy. Somebody was going to have to know because you had to bring somebody with you in order to get it. I had to bring somebody. Nobody stated whether it had to be a child or an adult, so because I didn’t want to be seen as being greedy, I chose to bring a child because a child wouldn’t U the situation enough to know that I was being greedy. I knew that it would be a risk bringing a child because I was going to have to go up to high speeds if I wanted to get all that I could get, and speeding was illegal. I knew that I could get in trouble for speeding, and not only speeding, but speeding with a child in the car, but I had to get this money, and be like everybody else. The only person that could get hurt was me, by getting a ticket. I got my car, and the child that I was going to use as my person, and took off, careful, paying attention that I didn’t get caught for speeding. I finished. I had gotten a nice amount of money, and everything was cool. The child seemed a little shaken up by the speed, but nothing major. I had gotten away with getting the money and nobody knew that I was a greedy person. Later on I found that while I had reached a certain speed, somehow the seatbelt had pressed on the child and it injured the child’s chest. The injury would end up causing major complications in the child’s life for as long as they would be alive. This is where I apologize to everyone and tell you that these were not my intentions. I knew that there was danger, but I thought the only danger was to myself. I hadn’t learned enough to know that there was also a danger to the kids that I did these things to. I was a child myself. I had started this thing at the age of 11, and it continued on until they mentioned to someone a few days after my 15th birthday, what I had done. If I would have thought for a second that what I was doing to them was going to have the effect on them that it had, I would have never continued in what I was doing. I want you all to U that, so that you can get the message that I am trying to relate in this story. I don’t want your sympathy for myself. I want your forgiveness so that I can know that what you think of me and my acts are not negative to the point of stopping you from elevating yourself through this message. I have two kids of my own, and I really can’t imagine what it would be like to have somebody do that to my kids. I hate that I have to tell this story and that the kids that I hurt, have to be exposed over again, but even they have to grow. Even they have to forgive. I care about them and their lives, and I care about people and their lives as well. I cannot say that I won’t tell my story just to save them the humiliation, when doing so may end up killing many. I hope that they U that If I could take it back I would. I hope that you all U that if I could take it back I would, but none of that is in my power, and all I can do is look to the future, because what the forces of hell meant for evil, God has turned it around for his good. I can’t make what I did right. I’m not trying. I’m only trying to tell the story that allowed me to learn how to treat and care for people in a better manner, and hope that I prevent people who haven’t went through those things from ever having to go through them. I’m writing to parents, kids, everybody. Take what I am writing and be more careful, be more U of people. Where are your kids at?????(retor) I’m not saying these things to make me seem better than any other person who has done similar things as a kid or an adult, more violent or less. It is important for you all to know that my mindset was different than some of those people. My heart was different. Even those who did these acts, in what you may think to be a worst manner, are no less than me. I wish that I could have a harsher story to tell about the things I did, more gruesome, and sick, because I don’t want to be viewed as being better than anyone else. I want to be viewed as having done the worst things to a person that could possibly be done. I feel like I have anyway. I look at no one and down them because of their acts. I hate for people to look at me and to think that I think I am better than them. All the hurt I caused others and the pain I put them through because I was insecure about the size of my penis, put me in the mind of not being judgmental, so as a man, if there if one message that I want to get through to men and young men and boys is that that kind of thinking is an error. We were made so that one woman, being a virgin, should really be the only one to see your private and with her being a virgin the size of your private would not even be an issue. Because we choose to sin, and because we choose to take pride in lust and fornication, having sex before marriage, we subject ourselves to issues in our self-esteem that, if we followed the rules and order that God put us here for, would never be an issue. If you find yourself feeling like you are not the best and equal to any mans’ value, check and see what you are using to compare yourself to your brothers, sisters, mothers, parents, and people. The flesh varies, with them that take fault in that which they had no control over. They kill their spirit, being those who are unreasonable, they do act foolishly. Now that I have spoken on that, at the age where I will continue, by now I had become pretty content with myself. I wasn’t walking around with 12 inches. The thought might have passed through my mind that it could be a bit longer or wider, but again that was me wanting to fit in with the world. Wanting to fit in with the world set me up to have those issues in the beginning. I was now content. Even though those thoughts crossed me at times, I wasn’t messing with little girls or boys and I was on to the next phase of my life. I still didn’t have any knowledge except for the little that I could MeM from when I did believe in God. I was operating solely off of intellect. I had pretty much perfected the art of people, but it only went for a specific type of people, which I didn’t know thatbitvwas only for a specific type. I thought what I had learned about people so far could be applied to all. I was sociable, and knew how to fix other people’s problems, as far as the world went. I believed I had seen it all. I was prepared but not broken. My preparation was only to hold me for a certain season. I would then, require much more than I ever thought would be Necss.

NOWUnless I go back to the past to refresh some things, or to mention something that I forgot, my time away for what I had done is over. The stories of my lock up time, and placement time as a juvenile are over. I haven’t thought about it long enough to say whether or not everything I spoke of is all the information that led me to being able to U the Message. Maybe not, because there were girls that I had to deal with when I got back to the house and they would be a big part in me learning about what Love is. No, that is not the end of information then, and all I would need is the relationships that I would experience with girls to complete my mindset for being prepared for Uing the Knowledge. I still didn’t have any thought that I could have been being built for something, or even that I could be used to do anything great. I was a young man, free at last, ready to explore the world. My thought of helping others was not as much at the front of my brain as it was, because I was no longer going to be in a situation where I felt people would need it. I focused on getting to the NBA and making some money, being rich, and helping people that way, being a role model. I wanted to play ball. That was my passion. I was happy that through my passion, I could eventually be a role model and help people. I was a stupid, empty little boy, not aware at all of how empty I was in comparison to how full I could be filled. You will find that growth, if not being grown from the base is no growth at all. The growth that I had experienced in my lock up and in placements was a building of my information and I thought greatly of myself having that growth, being able to speak with such information, and change the lives of other. I had a confidence that was built upon nothing. I thought with swag, that I was something that mattered. My growth was not growth at all. It had just been time. Time had passed by and I had experienced the situations of that time. Ignorance is truly bliss. I had learned things that helped me be a beast in the world, beast in a nice way, but I had a heart that would set me up for breakage. When your motifs are out of the order of your heart, there will always be an attempt of ordering that compares to the structuring of mass armies preparing for war. Your “heart” defines who you are even if you aren’t able to U it yet, and will run your life, negative or positive. I can’t continue that topic without going too far, so we are going to hold on that.NOW

I was going to stay with my Aunt and her husband. I had missed the wedding. It was kind of important to me, who she was with, she was like a mom to me. She took care of us just as much as mom did, as far as I MeM. It was done though. He had two daughters there that were below my age range. A negative thought to do something with them did cross my mind (note). I wasn’t going there, no urge was worth it, as I mentioned. I wasn’t with them long, but while I was there I was getting kind of bored. I wouldn’t be going to school, and I did have some more time left in school, but I wasn’t going to be in my proper grade. My aunt decided that it wasn’t going to be a good idea for me to go to school. She had based that decision on how I acted in the past. She said that people would pick at me, and she didn’t trust my response (sumt like dat). She recommended that I just take the GED. I did. I passed the same year I was supposed to graduate, 2003. Before then while I was at her house(right across the street from silver bluff high), I had gotten so bored that I decided to take a walk around the neighborhood, knocking on peoples doors, asking them if they had and kids my age that I could hang with. NOWI was eighteen. At the time it seemed normal for me to be trying to play, or look for people to play with. All I had on my mind was fun. I was free. I couldn’t sit still. I was dumb all over again. I had entered into lock up ignorant of what I was about to learn. I was exited, believing that I didn’t have anything else to learn. I had a world that I had not been in, at a crucial growing period that I would have to adapt to. The streets had much to teachNOW. I was walking around the grounds of the school, and happened to run into this girl. I don’t know if I was just going to talk to her because she had on some little shorts, and I wanted to see what she looked like, or if she had looked familiar, and it triggered something in my head. I was totally open and not hesitant to speak to any girl. I didn’t care. I just wanted to socialize. I’m talking to the girl, and I don’t think she MeMs me. I MeM her. I always explain to people, “you MeM a little short boy, Quincy? That’s me” They usually figure it out then. I really didn’t grow up around a lot of people and I was gone for three years, so if they weren’t close to me, they wouldn’t MeM me because I had changed. I had a different build, and a different swag. She MeMed me and I got her number so that I wouldn’t hold her up. I was walking one day, and ended up (this was my last door) knocking on a nice young ladies door. She asked who it was, I responded, “I don’t think you know me, but my name is Quincy”. She asked some questions. The biggest one was. You aren’t going to rape me are you (hesitant to open the door). I thought to myself, if I say no, she wouldn’t know if I was lying or not. Why ask the stupid question… She eventually opened the door and invited me in. NOWeither I’m one hell of a nice guy, or maybe she wanted to get raped(humor/jk)NOW. We sat and talked for a while at the table in the kitchen. She mentioned that she was a part time model. She said she had a man. We drifted into the living room and I read over some of her poetry. I think she sings, we both sung a song, and I left. While I was there, Christina, the girl I met at Silver Bluff, and in case you all forgot, the girl I could have lost my virginity to at Grammies house, called her. The model told her I was over there, and Christina made a statement to say, that I am hers, and for the model not to try anything with me. I saw the model one more time, later on. I was excited about meeting Christina, and hooking up with her later. I never did. I lost the number.
Tyrone found out I was out, by my call, I don’t MeM, but he came and swooped me up. I wasn’t with him long, he was doing alright, I figured that because he picked me up in an Eddie Baur edition expedition (clean). I don’t MeM what we did, but I enjoyed myself, until he flipped on me about going to the club, hanging out late, or something like that. I was addicted to the club, not outrageously addicted, just for those couple of times I was able to attend. This was something that was totally new to me, the whole experience of “clubbing”. I had run into, well not really ran into, but was taken by a girl that was dressed well and danced the same. She was in the club and seemed to be the life of the party. I hesitated to speak to her. I wasn’t as confident as I believed I was. NOWthough I believe it was a lack of confidence that stopped me, I think it was more the scenery, and I didn’t know how to approach her in the clubNOW. I went back just to see if she was going to be there. She was there and again I went without speaking to her. I drug myself back across the street and down to Tyrone’s house. I had walked there. I wasn’t driving yet. I didn’t have my permit yet. When I got back, he started saying something about what decisions I was making. I don’t know if I was visiting, or if I was planning on staying with him, after moving out of my aunt’s house. I called my mom to pick me up from there. She hadn’t even known I was out of lock up yet, until that phone call. I was hurt by Tyrone’s ability to start problems with me about something so small. I felt as if, after all this time, our relationship wasn’t important enough to him for him to give up that bit of control he wanted to have. I said something like, “you had an opportunity to be a father and you fucked it up”. I was in a yelling, sort of whining kind of tone. I had my bags packed at the door. I can’t MeM who came to get me that day, but I’m sure it was Debra, and from there I just stayed with her. NOWI don’t know why I didn’t call her when I got out, maybe I was waiting for it to be a surprise. I didn’t think about it until later that I didn’t let her know I was out. I had to have been trying to surprise her. I hadn’t grown to dislike her yet.NOW I was still looking at her as mom and she had been there raising me and sticking with me through my lock up. I only could focus in on the things that were nice while I was locked up. NOWpeople act differently towards you when they have to miss youNOW. She was staying out in North Augusta at the time. With everybody I was getting back in contact with, I thought that things would be different. Everybody wanted something from me, and nobody gave me the freedom and time to settle in from being away from the house and having people control my life every day for those three years. I just wanted to enjoy myself, with no worries. NOWBeing locked up is a harsh reality, but getting out is a harsh reality in itselfNOW Me and moms started off well at first, and then I got a job, and I wanted to hang out and I spent my money on clothes and shoes. I guess eventually money became a problem, or how I was spending it, maybe even what she wasn’t receiving. I didn’t have any privacy in the house either. I had gone to the store and brought one of those girls gone wild videos and I had that in the house. I used it to jack off one time, she didn’t know about that, but i guess she was snooping around and found the tape and just wasn’t pleased with me having it in her house. I didn’t feel like I had to explain. I was more upset that she was snooping around in the room that was given to me as my sleeping place.
I had got a job at future call. That is where I was working while I was staying with her. I worked overtime and whatever I wanted I bought. I was young and I could go get it. I had money that I could have done something with, but I chose to stay fly. I met Mars at future call. We ended up being close, we hung out and he was sort of that guy that was breaking me in to the world, he was older than me, and this would be the first time I had somebody that I was cool with that was older, and there was another guy that hung with us who was older. He would leave and migrate to a new area and it would just be me and Mars. They knew I was a virgin, I think. They had tried to set me up with a girl. They had gotten us back to the house, and Mars had turned on some 112, which, this song I knew nothing about, Sweet love, but it was my shid from that day forward. I lay in the bed with her, and I don’t even think we held each other, maybe we did though. I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t know how to approach the situation. I didn’t want to be disrespectful, and I didn’t want to be doing something that she didn’t want me to do. NOWI hadn’t learned that it didn’t matter, what she wanted, or what she thought she wanted. You could get her in the mood or I could have at least triedNOW. Even if she wanted it, it was obvious that she wasn’t going to let me know it. I missed out on a piece of pussy that night. NOWi have been in worst situations than that and hit the pussyNOW. Me and Mars never had any problems, he may come up again.

Sexually Explicit

Me and moms had an argument about something and she started throwing all my clothes out on the grass. I paid much, and worked hard for those clothes. Then there was some stuff she wouldn’t let me get. I called the cops so that I could go get my stuff, not knowing that she had a warrant out on her. They took her to jail. She might have gotten out in a day or two. I got my stuff and Snoop came to pick me up. It wasn’t long after that I got fired. I was staying with Grammy at the time, and that was down in Aiken. Grammy moved me from staying with her, and over to the trailer across from her. Maybe she wanted her privacy, maybe she was being nice. Maybe she just put me over there so that I could clean up the place. I think she wanted the place clean, and her privacy, and figured she would kill two birds with one stone. I don’t think nice was the reason, and if so, she found a way to kill that gesture, by being all up in a niggas business. She didn’t allow me any freedom either. By the time I moved back in the hood, it was on, I was back around all my brothers. I hadn’t met the last one yet. Me and Taur would get up, and pick up right where we left off, none of our relationship lacking. We were still as cool as we were when we left. I MeM explaining to him what had happened, and why I had gotten locked up. He had said something to the tune of, “you didn’t have to do that,” as if I was him. His confidence was locked in. he didn’t know what had been going on in my mind all those years. He said it so calm, as to say, man there is pussy everywhere, you didn’t have to do that. He wasn’t judging me though. It was what it was, and we continued about our day. I didn’t feel in any way he looked at me any different. My brothers were still in school, all younger than me, and they were pretty popular, whether it was for being bad, swag, or whatever. They were known. I knew no one. I had just begun to meet people and grow a face by being around them. I MeM just being so far behind. I was still trying to tuck my shirts in, big shirts, and thought that it looked cool. I was real lame.
I didn’t have much rhythm. I had learned how to step, but I hadn’t learned how to dance. It was about the time of the “heel toe then”, and Taur and Daj, could shut a club down with it. It seemed like it took me forever to get it. I got it though, and from there I never lost my rhythm. I was a big azz dancing dude. I was “can’t wangin wit it” (dance) and all. We rehearsed dances and stepped out and stunted at the club, we always turned heads. I was the oldest, but in the streets, I followed them. These dudes were reckless. I always ended up in a fight. It seemed like every club we went to, or wherever we were going. we were involved in the drama. I wasn’t used to fighting. I never had to after I got big. All these kids were young, so I really didn’t want to fight anyway. They were smaller than me also. One night at TNT I hit a dude in the ear and I guess he had a glass something in his face, because they said he was bleeding out of his ear, when they told me, I felt sorry for the dude, because my intentions weren’t to hurt anybody, just to protect my people.
I wasn’t working, but I had a little money left, I guess from my job at future call. Eventually, going out all the time wasn’t my thing, because I didn’t have any money and I had bills, phone, and I think I was paying the utilities at the trailer. I wasn’t fresh either, and I didn’t like stepping out any kind of way. I think I was more focused because I had bills and Taur didn’t. I had Grammy to answer to as well.

NOWI’m about to skip over all the in-betweens and try to get a structured conversation going. I’m going to talk about the relationships that I had with girls and maybe I’ll be able to break away from that and speak on anything that I missed that is Rev.NOW I was a virgin still at 18. It wouldn’t take long for that to be a thing of the past with Taur as my brother. We were hanging out walking around. We didn’t have whips yet. I didn’t even have my license, and no one was trying to help me get them. We were walking around the neighborhood. We actually went to fuck with some girls whose names sound like “eat uh vagina” (humor). I don’t think I MeMed these girls from the past but maybe I did. I think we were trying to have sex with them, seeing if they would come back to the house, either mine or Taurs. We had to sneak past Grammy to do certain things at my spot, and his spot was a little more lavish than mine at the time. I didn’t have any furniture. Stuart Little may have come to visit my spot by this time. When we came from their house, we went over another girls house and we just hung out with them. Later that day we got with a girl and (for the sake of my bras privacy, ill shorten it) I lost my virginity that day. I wouldn’t have been in this position to get any if he hadn’t known so many people. It was by his face that I lost my virginity to this girl. NOWI would tell you all who it is but it isn’t Rev and I’m trying to keep Taur from tripping (that’s my brother man!!!!!yall don’t know).NOW So I’m in the pussy and I’m in there mushing around. I’m all up close to the pussy. I hadn’t grown to size enough to be going behind my bra. My thought process was light and sort of on the, whatever train. It felt alright. I had a condom on before I even got in the room, because we had already knew this was going to be a quick one, and we wanted to be ready, in and out. I came, and in my head, it just wasn’t what I thought it was going to be. The stars didn’t dance around on my shoulder, slapping me in the face with a seductive power. There was no special feeling about my first time having sex with a girl and the nut didn’t feel any better than any nut I had before. I had been hoodwinked, bamboozled. I finished, got up, looked at her and said, ”we’ll holla”. That was the last time I think I saw that girl.
I lost another part of my heart that day, and would end up striving more than ever to fulfill something in life because I had lived my life in turmoil, being distant, and having the lowest self-esteem in the world, all to get this pussy that when I finally got it, was not worth what I had gone through because of it. I hurt, at that realization more than I realized at that specific moment. I knew that it would affect my life. Sex would no longer be the drive. I didn’t even have the average sex drive anymore. My only sex drive came from the flesh, whatever vibe it was able to conjure up and make me feel long enough for it to become my focus. My whole life was sex. My unhappiness was because of sex. All I MeMed is sex. I suffered my whole life chasing after what I believed to be an important fulfillment. I was caged in because of my thought process that involved what I was thinking based upon everything I was trying to do to get this feeling of sex. I wasted 18 years, or however many of those that I can really MeM going through all the necessaries. I had hoped that when I finally had sex with a female it would matter enough to me, enough for me to say that it was worth it, and most importantly, that it was worth losing my childhood. I just wanted it to be worth at least one day of the pain and MisUing that I had. It wasn’t worth, not a day of it. Now I needed something more. I needed a relationship that mattered to apply to the sex. Maybe if I cared for the person, the sex would matter more and therefore I could begin to enjoy sex.
Man, I was far from being shy. I had gotten my little flip phone from when I was working at future call, and we would go to First Friday while I was staying with my moms. We (me and whatever guys I was with) would attack the girls, no fear. There was this girl, who is very important to me. I don’t MeM her name. I think it was Ashley Green. She was young, still in highschool, may have been a senior. She played a hard role and tried to keep as far away from us being in a close relationship as possible. We talked like we had known each other for ever. She was a real cool chick. I liked her, but she played games, keeping away from anything more than us being cool.
There was this girl that I ended up meeting, named Felicia. And she was willing to put in the work. I was allowing this girl to take me and try to make me her man. It just felt so right. It was in my character to spoil and offer a woman all of me and to try and show them that they were worth the world to me. I didn’t hesitate to offer that to any female that let me in, even a little, for any reason. I knew that I was out to fulfill something, and that something, was marriage. I couldn’t fulfill that without them, so they became more important than they realized.
• I don’t think I every really just committed to a girlfriend when I did have them. I’m sure I still talked to other girls and tried to get other numbers, but I always made sure that I wasn’t making the relationships out to be more serious than they really were. I wouldn’t have started off with one girl and then left her for one that I met while I was with her. I would have given my first meet, the opportunity to make it official first. At the time I was staying in the trailer, Felicia was staying in Johnston. She really didn’t have any idea of what I might have been doing back at the house, but with my brother’s around, excluding Daj, who was still bound to his house, there would be girls there all the time. Me and Felicia where getting closer and closer, mostly by her push. I was trying to get close, but it was in a way where we still would have had space, along with being able to have sex. I’m sure I liked her, but it wasn’t to the point of where she was trying to take it. She took it there though, and she took it there, surprisingly on my move. I had made the move in asking her a question in where her answer was important to me. I was setting her up to see if I could go to the next level with her. I asked her to tell me something that she never told anyone else. NOWyall know I got secrets, so if I could hear something from her that could place me at eye level with her n the secret game and make me feel more comfortable, I was all for itNOW. When I asked her to tell me something she has never told anyone else, she said, “I love Q” or, “I’m in love with Q” (which is the simple q I was going by at the time, I could have changed the spelling of it to Kew but it had no meaning) I hadn’t heard this from a girl, since Stepahnie back at Coastal. I had spent more time around Felicia and had met her parents and sibling. I had more time to bond, and I had built a pretty tight one. I don’t think that “love”, with her had crossed my mind at this point, but when she said it, I felt obligated to say it back. In my response, I tried not to be misleading at all. I responded by saying, “well, if you love me, then I love you too”. I guess at that moment I had made a decision to “love” her based upon my belief that she had honestly “loved” me. I’m sure that in my mind there was no reason why I shouldn’t “love” somebody that “loved” me.
Things would never be the same of course. I had spoken a phrase that was supposed to hold some weight to it. Even though I had said it the way I said it, without much feeling behind it, I had said it. It meant that I cared enough about her to not hurt her feelings, and to express whatever level of “love” I was talking about. I had let her know, by those words, how much I really cared, and to do anything but work on trying to fit my actions to what I had said, was not in my character. I’ll get back to Felicia later. I had my girl “A Lettuce” just kicking it with me. I hadn’t seen her but once since that first Friday night (ashley). The time I did see her, it was an accident. I was holding on to her though, because we vibe so well, and as soon as I had broken that shell, I would surely let the great waters of the seas rush in.
I was having sex with girls on pretty consistent bases, days I didn’t think I would ever see. Every piece of pussy I got while I was in Aiken (before I left to be a baby sitter) was because of my brother’s. I never did a fat girl again. NOWnever in my life, not that the girl was really even that fat, but she was fat and out of shape, and by appearance not a model chick, not a plus size model chick nor a regular size model chickNOW. It was just better days from that day forward. I hit this one girl one night. My brother set it up. I went back in the room. My first response for a bad chick was eating her out, possibly my first thought for any decent girl. It just seemed like the necessary thing to do. I don’t MeM if I did it with this one girl because I wasn’t on hard, or if I wanted to give me an extra bit of an edge because of my self-esteem dealing with my size. I’m going to go with me stalling because I wasn’t on hard yet. I was comfortable with eating pussy. I had somehow got in my head that it was what pleased the women, and I was all about pleasing. I think it was from a talk I had with one of the college staff at coastal. He was the one that made me want a tongue ring. He showed me his and told me the girls go crazy (sumt like that). I knew then that I was going to get one. So I’m eating the pussy and I’m putting my condom on. NOWoh, she had to have said something about the condom, maybe I cared back thenNOW. I think I even licked her other hole while I was down there(beginners mistake, I think I MeM it coming up that I had went that far, believe Taur had told me, which means she had probably told her girl and her girl told Taur). She made her noises and I finished and that was it. I lay next to her as if we were about to lay and talk or hold each other or something, and she asked a question that insinuated that she wanted to put her clothes on and go back in the living room with Taur and the other girl. I guess that how they do it. She had casually done to me what I had done to the fat girl. NOWI don’t know what her reasoning was for being so press, but I found that most girls do not know what it’s like to tie that kind of effection to sex, most definitely back at the ages we were.NOW That night ended and me and her kept in touch, I handled her like a lady, poetry, song, nice talk. It was what I did back then. I never had sex with her again. I might have had the opportunity to do it with her when she came over to the trailer with her girl, but I didn’t know that girls were just having sex like that, that that was what they would pop up for. That night, she probably wanted more, and was wondering why I wasn’t trying. We never went any further than that, and lost contact. NOWI see her around today and she acts like we ain’t never even touched each other before, but she know what happened that night. Keeping in mind that things got old real fast to me, MeM that I was trying to fulfill something. When you have an ultimate to reach, whether you realize or not that you have applied your life to this ultimate, you will often become bored with the consistency of mediocre things. Simple things have a simple structure that repeats itself. I had focused my brain on spiritual matters. I wasn’t aware of this, but because of my own structure, I would be great at moving past the things that were not on that level in life, and never become comfortable with just livingNOW
I was having sex with girls but as I mentioned, I was now at the point where the whole act of chasing females and having sex with them was not satisfying. I was looking for that closeness that could be a part of that sex. I was looking for a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship that would make the sex mean so much more. I was learning a level of power with girls that I didn’t know existed. I was learning that they were easily controlled by anybody (depending on the girls build). I really had a high hope for women and I treated them as if they were special, because I knew that they would be the ultimate completion of self (marriage). NOWI just didn’t know that humans in general had a false make up that would set them up to be vulnerable to sin, or whatever negative was availableNOW. I was over Taur’s house with another set of girls and watched him, pretty much tell the girl that her and her friend weren’t leaving until she had sex with me, not in a mean tone, but he knew what she does, and she was acting as if she wasn’t like that. I would eventually (that day) have sex with her alone, and in front of them. I was starting to view a different way of the world, a way I never imagined. My confidence level shifted, up, after every act of sex with these females. I was still hoping that something great would happen, every time. I was working at Bilo and was making pretty decent money for a young man that didn’t have any rent to pay. I had gotten a job, and after that I was back to feeling a little better about myself. I rented a living room set with a couch that wrapped around the small azz living room that we had, and I rented a big azz tv that went in there also. There was no room for movement and half the time we had the couch bed out, well not really, just when the girls were over. I had gone so long with no furniture, having raggedy furniture, I showed out. I wouldn’t have even gotten that furniture. I had a better business mind than that, but no one was helping me get a license, so my patience was wearing thin with having all this money, and no car to invest it in. In the meantime, my relationship with Felicia was growing more and more. I wasn’t ready to commit fully to her, but I was tired of playing with all the girls that I was talking to. I had met her family and me and her grandma had got along well. I respected her grandma, and liked her. I think that she liked me also, and liked me for her granddaughter. I think I was more worried about what her grandmother might think about me if I played Felicia, than I was, worried about Felicia. In my mind, I stayed trying to push Felicia away because I wasn’t ready to deal with the rejection that could come from her when I told her about my offense. It was a constant thing that was on my mind when it came to relationships. At Ne Hop, we had a conversation about whether or not you would tell a girl/your wife about your offense, after or before the marriage. I MeM saying that I would tell my wife/wife to be. Any girlfriend I had that was close would always have me thinking about how I was going to tell them, and when. I wasn’t ever going to wait until we got married to tell a girl. I would tell her as soon as it seemed that she might be marriage potential. Giving a female that information would mean that I was seriously about to give my life to her. This was the first time that any relationship was becoming serious enough for me to even think about it. I don’t MeM what it was about her that scared me, and stopped me from just going in and risking it. She wasn’t a girl that asked me for much. I think it was just the fact that she liked me so much, but didn’t know me. The realness that was in my heart, just wouldn’t allow me to play with another persons’ heart, and I tried my best to keep a person at bay, so that I would never have to be real with them.
NOWmy ignorance had me so happy. I walked through life as if everything was ruled by optimism. I suppose, in my mind, now that I was out, nothing in the “Free World” could be worse than what I had just gone through. I believed in people, and felt that there was something to strive forNOW. There was another Felecia that I would meet. I met her through one of Taur girls. She seemed like a pretty decent girl to me. I might have met her a little bit before where I am in the story now. I really tried to spoil every female. I was the true representation of , “Captain save a hoe”. My sister had some jerseys. I suppose she had gotten them when she was in Korea. I wore them because I didn’t have much stylish stuff. I loaned them out to her and some of her family, and they were supposed to bring them back. I hadn’t seen those things since then. I offered her so much of my time. I was really only trying to fuck, but I wasn’t going to do her wrong either. For whatever reason, she ran from me, and never accepted my handNOTE.
Before we had gotten that furniture at the trailer there was this girl that Taur was messing with, and their relationship was so steady, that she was like a sister to me. In time I started to feel for her as a brother would, but she wasn’t unattractive to me, and the way it seemed that Taur would play her at times, made me want to give her a relationship that I thought she deserved. I was around Taur long enough to know that Taur had so many girls, and he would act as if he didn’t value any of them as human beings, or didn’t know how to. With the mindset I had, it killed me to be around this on a daily basis. It was harder to deal with with this girl because I was around her so much, and we talked often on a “friend” level. I never crossed the line of talking about him to her, or downing his acts, though I knew they were wrong. I always tried to put them back together, and speak on the positive, though I wanted so bad to tell her to leave that nigga alone. I knew that me and Taurs’ relationship wasn’t going to change, regardless of whether they were together or not. I liked her. I began to be more attracted to her over time. I wrote her a poem with a hidden expression in it about how I felt. I just couldn’t allow myself to be the first one to put myself out there as an option for her. My relationship with Taur wasn’t worth losing over her. I knew how Taur really felt about all his girls. Like or not like as much, he expressed it differently, and I held my tongue.
We had some company over after Yel had a little party over his house. It was a few girls that came from the party. I think it ended up being a girl for everybody. I don’t MeM if I had known the ages of these girls beforehand, but it probably wouldn’t have mattered, because these girls had had more sex than me at my age, so I probably wouldn’t have felt enough guilt to prevent me from going on with the night. If my memory serves me right though, the one that I was with was 14 at the time and I don’t know if I had turned 19 yet. I guess it came with the territory of having younger brothers. NOWi see her around these days, when I ask her how old she is now, I will update that to the book or maybe not, it’s not importantNOW. This was the first time I had multiple orgasms in one night. I had to have come three times, so that feeling was new to me. I did have sex with her without a condom on. I had always said, I don’t see what the difference is, pussy is all the same, aint no good pussy or bad pussy. I MeM somebody telling me, “you just haven’t had enough yet”. NOWover time I found that to be true, Pussy can come all kinds of ways, and some may feel better than others, but I think my point that I was getting at when I said that it’s all the same, was to say I don’t get how niggas get hooked on it, aint no pussy that nice to have me trippin, nun that I have never run intoNOW. I told Yel about that piece, and how it had me nutting all over the place, he went back and told her. I was just meeting yel around this time. I may have met him before, but they had just moved out in the hood. My other brothers looked at him as family/a friend, so that’s what it was. I was like this little nigga done went back and told the girl. I was thinking why would he do that? I never told him that I knew he had mentioned it to her though. I think I had eaten every girl I had sex with so far accept the white girl, and the big girl. Like I said, I felt it was my duty, and I probably had my tongue ring by then. I had to have gotten it, because I had it put in while I was working at furture call, and it had swollen up on me. I had to try and sell phone service and couldn’t even talk. That would have been a sight for someone to see, and hear.
I was always after some other girls that were older than me when I was younger. I guess it was easy for me to do the expected, which was holla at my sisters’ friends. NOWAll younger brothers holla at their sister’s friends, right…..NOW For me to just go holla at some girls around my age would have taken too much of my own character and thought. I didn’t have any back then. These crushes carried on well into the furture.
Well, one day, I was out and about on my own schedule going about my raggedy day, never suspecting God to send some sort of miracle. I didn’t even believe in him at the time, so why should I be expecting something wonderful to happen to me, on this regular day. I was at somebodies house and she popped up. I think she might have even said that she was looking for me. In my brain, I didn’t know what to think. I knew that sex wasn’t a possibility. I thought so much that sex wasn’t a possibility that the possibility of sex never even occurred. I didn’t know what it may have been. I still didn’t even think it possible for girls to even look for sex. It still hadn’t registered since the second girl I had sex with. I figured, maybe………..well shid, I can’t even tell you what I was thinking. I can MeM trying to play it cool, because this is one of the girls that has always brought out the bitch in me. I get real sensitive and shid. I had the chance of looking in her eyes one time. It was a, “long drop” (she knows what I mean). NOWey man, its just some shid you don’t forget. I could swear that day was heaven for me, man, it was like everything I was feeling for her always, she was kinda giving backNOW. So somehow on this day, she wants to come over to my place (the trailer). I still can’t recall most of my thoughts. So she comes in, wearing a jean skirt and this brand name shirt (which I MeM the name brand but will not mention……white) that had the bra built in it (if I’m not mistaken). She was looking as pretty and fine, quite beautiful, and glowing. She is in my house!!!!! I was saying that to myself. I kicked the company out. It was just me and her. We sat on the couch next to each other and talked. She made the motion to lie on my lap, and, this is still me, so I went to thinking, oh lord, she is about to be able to feel my dick…….what if she doesn’t feel my dick, and think that it’s too small to feel through my pants????? It was a constant thought in all situations dealing with it being touched. I wasn’t going to allow any fear to make me look fearful in front of this girl. She would just have to not like what she was laying on, but I was in man mode, playing real cool as if I didn’t have a superstar in my house lying on my lap. She started to talk with me about personal things and said that my house was so peaceful. She sat up and sat on my lap, breast right in my face, as if she was talking with her tits now. By this time I’m getting the hint. I don’t know if I started to kiss them or if I started to kiss her, or how it got kicked off from that point, but soon I was all over her, and she was all over me. I picked her up, and carried her to the bedroom, trying not to drop her, or bump her head on anything because that biz azz tv was right in front of the walk way to the hall. I let her down at the room door. She sat on the bed, laid back and I proceeded to my usual routine.

Sexual Content

I was kissing her and working my way down. I got to her downstairs area and she, in a real smooth gesture, put her hands around my face and pulled me up to her. She kissed me………..and I………think, she reached to my belt and unbuckled it, as to say,” you don’t have to do that”. I went up on top of her and proceeded with a little more 4play. When it seemed as if it was going to go a bit further, she whispered to me, “do you have condoms”? I think I said something like, “it’s gonna mess the mood up(it was all the way in the living room, not in plain sight, and I would have to take a little time to find it)”. It was probably asked more than stated, like, “it’s not gonna mess up the mood?” She said, “no it won’t”. I stopped, went and got the condom, put it on, and continued. The whole time I’m thinking, this can’t be happening. We start having sex and, I’ll be damned if I didn’t feel myself about to cum, right when it seemed as if I might have been giving her pretty decent pleasure, she shook a little, I was about to be done for. I did not want to cum that fast I wanted to enjoy this forever, and please her all night, forever if I could. I wanted to make sure she had all the pleasure. I didn’t want it to feel nice to me. I hadn’t learned anything about sex yet, so I became a victim to sex that day. I nutted and tried to act like I didn’t. I could have cried that night, because I knew that this night was over, I kept on pumping but I was pumping off half a dick and a full condom. I think she had came.NOWit was going to take more than what I was working with at that moment to keep her around.NOW I was sort of waiting for her to say something, while I was still trying to keep the work up. I think she asked if I was done, or if I had come. She said she had to go do something. We got dressed, and I walked her to her ride, and never saw her again…….. not on a me and her kind of vibe. NOWtill this day I do not know what that night was all about. I never asked her why she played me like that, if it was my performance, was sex all she had wanted? Maybe she was just rewarding me for being nice to her, and thought that sex was what I wanted. I wanted her. I will take her today without the sex, for the rest of my life. I suppose one day I stopped focusing on it and accepted the fact that she would be out my league forever. I do know that after she pulled my head up from her space and I didn’t have to eat her out to get the pussy, I felt like I was the shit. All my insecurities had been washed away, because I had a limit in what would satisfy me as far as girls went. Success to me was her. She was my limit, the highest status of a girl in my mind. I couldn’t see past her. Everything I knew about her was enough for me. She was my superstar. To me, she should have been everyone else’s. Fulfillment in the area of women was her. If I could just get her, I would be ok. That was my thinking. Why would I want another girl? When the girl that I dreamed about being with stopped me from eating her out, I said to myself, I won’t eat another girl out until I get married, and I held to that. No other girl deserved me at this point. I looked high on myself, but the fact that I was able to get, what to me, was the ultimate, and it made me an ultimate to all other girls. Other girls never had a chance, because I would compare all of them to her. I wanted to elevate, not go backwards. NOWI have never had sex with a girl that matched her qualities, and because of that, I think, in some way that I have expressed that to the girls I have been with in one way or another because I always feel like I’m settling because I don’t have her. Now, since I have more of a brain than I had before, I think of other reasons why she may have pulled me from down there, but what mattered to me was the reason I believed she pulled me from down there. I believed that it had something to do with respect for me. I do not know, but if it is a different reason than what I thought it to be, it wouldn’t matter to me now. The act she pulled has already had its affect and can’t be taken back. She ruined a lot of lives that night, as well as saved some.NOW.
Not long after that I quit my job at Bilo because they had demoted me and I woudn’t be making as much money, Grammy was getting on my nerves, and my sister had offered me “freedom” up there where she was at. She said I didn’t have to worry about nothing, just watch the kids. Thus the days of my babysitting began. I didn’t think much of what I would be leaving behind. I just knew I wasn’t going to be going backwards in that work place, and I wouldn’t have as much money to live as luxuriously as I was living, and I would still have to put up with Grammy running my life. The sound of freedom overruled the fact that I had a girl (Felicia) and I would be moving even further away from her, she was in Johnston at the time, and I had my brothers and I would be leaving them. It didn’t seem as though any of them needed me anyway. I don’t Mem any of them asking me not to leave, though I dont MeM telling them I was going, but I’m sure I did.
NOWi had been gone for three yrs. I had come back a virgin. I had more sex in that one year back then, than I would probably have in any other yr in my life. I found that all the relationships I MeMed were gone. At the base of what I MeMed, everybody had changed, some more than others. Everybody I knew and believed I had a Uing of, was different now, because I had more information to work with than before I left. I was applying this new information to these new circumstances. I was also applying the old Knowledge that I had to these new situations, then combining the old Knowledge and new information with the past information. I was growing. I was growing and things in my life were happening at a speed that worked along with that growth. I didn’t have a day to relax and just be back from my trip. Everything was constant. Elevation was my destiny. If you don’t focus on the speed in which your life is moving you will be shifted. Though we know that time is the same, so it’s not that that my life’s speed was different than anyone else’s, but it was the things going on in that same amount of time that differed from others, for some it may have been the same. My attention to the things that were going on was focused mostly on the things that were going on, because somehow I knew that these things were the way to my happiness or the reason for my unhappiness. That was an error in thinking, the difference between those who have found happiness, verses those who are seeking it. The people who believe that they have found happiness, stop paying attention to the things that are going on in life, because they are content. I have never been content. I have always been searching. I have never become comfortable with anything in life. I recognized in every point that something was not right. I wanted it to be right. The eye to recognize flaw is important. You can become satisfied with flaw, and flaw will be satisfied with you being satisfied with it, and never reveal itself to you. I watched people that I believed in speak ignorantly of their beliefs and the scriptures. I wanted for them to say anything that was truthful. I wanted them to U more than me, to be able to explain to me why I had so many disappointments with the word. I found none of them to validate the scriptures for me. As a growing man I watched everything that I believed in, be it scripture of just life, fall apart. This was all in that one year. I believe I left to go with snoop in 04. It would continue, as much, after my move, but this is just how quick I had to adjust to all of those things so far. My whole concept of females had been disrespected, whether by their own acts or others. I lost my mother. I held to her so strongly. That bond was broken. Everybody was stupid. Nobody Ud my confusion. I was alone. The only things and people I had were the things and people that I chose to keep because I didn’t want to be alone.NOW I was explaining to Taur one day before I left,why I didn’t believe in god and that none of it made sense. NOTE
Now when I made it to Snoops’ house/apartment, Hinesville Ga, I was set. I didn’t have any worries, live and watch the kid. That was my first niece, Lay Lea. Snoop stayed on post. She was active duty in the army. I guess it saved money for me to babysit, which is why she told me I didn’t have anything to worry about, just watch the kid. I had seen Lay Lea one time before. Moms had brought her to visit me while I was in DJJ. I’m sure she doesn’t MeM, she was a baby. I don’t MeM the exact feelings I had when I saw her, or even much the interaction, but I want to believe I cared for her then as I do now, lacking no care than what I have now, which is much. Lay Lea was in preschool, age (dunno), but I was taking over her room, which she was sure to let me know was her room. I walked her to and from school and did the usual task of an uncle and babysitter. After I settled in the house for the day, I was usually off to basketball and roaming post, mostly training alone because I didn’t know anyone. I MeM the day, which wasn’t long after I moved there. Snoop asked me about what I had gotten locked up for. Up until this point a lot of my family never knew if I had actually done it or not, but they knew that I was locked up. I had never lied to my sister (not in my older age), and I operated solely off the bond that I MeM us having. There was no reason to lie to her, but telling her the truth when it came to this, was not easy. It was never an easy topic for me to speak on. I sensed that she was worried about whether or not I would try something with my niece. I didn’t address that assumption. I just hoped better. I explained to her what had happened and that I had done it. When I was finished, without much hesitation, she said, “ill, you nasty”. She looked me in the face, sort of up and down and called me nasty, not saying that the act itself was nasty, but called me nasty as if she had just walked in the room and caught me in the act at the age of 18, and I was waving my hand in the air, cowboy style, getting a blowjob from two little girls. This was my older sister, my only sister I had known and grown up with from birth, looking up to and following as if she was my older brother. For her to call me nasty, not Uing, I was immediately hurt. I went to our room (me and lay Lea) and lied on the bed. I didn’t want anything to eat. As often as she asked I rejected. My heart was ashamed and sorrowful. I could have lay there and starved NOWthe same way I was 27 yrs old, really 22, pushing 30, at that time I was 18, really 15, just pushing 15. People had a view of me that wasn’t real. I showed of confidence because that is the wall that I built for myself. My tenderness, innocence, hurt, and pain, regarding my past situations, ruled my life. I’m sure she didn’t mean to be hurtful and inconsiderate, but she was honest, and it hurt meNOW Eventually she said something to me allowing me to feel more comfortable about her expression. I think we had a brief conversation about my initial response to her comment. Life continued.
I was still bound to Felicia at the time. She was often on my mind but I was scared of her because she seemed to have so much care for me. I wasn’t ready to tell her about my past. I didn’t want to begin to care on her level, and then lose her to my past.
My relationship with her grandma was tight. I think that made the bond me and Felicia had even closer. Felicia was supposed to be coming to visit me. Her and her grandma was supposed to ride together. I was also scared to let Felicia down. It seemed she had such high hopes for me. I was content with my situation. I wasn’t pressing any issue of financial stability or schooling. I was a babysitter. I was beginning to feel as if she was looking for something in me that I might never be. I was not what I wanted to be, and was content bring in my current state. I felt as if she honestly deserved better than me, someone who could give her the world. I had nothing. NOWI want to say that I began to come up with a plan to leave her, but if that was true, and that I started to come up with a plan because of how I felt about that, then I wouldn’t have needed to use the future reason that I will tell, in order to leave her, so I’m going to say that I wasn’t going to allow that to push me to leave her.NOW I MeM one day I sung, slightly, or said to her, while listening to or after listening to an R&B artist, ”maybe I deserve……”. I just sung that part to her in order to express that I was feeling as if she should go do something wrong or find another guy. She said something like, “don’t say that”, in a tone where you could hear the hurt in her voice. NOW(smirkin) That was my first “baby”. I had begun to care about her and wanted to be with her. I was unlearned in how to approach the situation.NOW I really was taken by fear in this case. I also thought that her feelings would pass and she would get over me, so I was more willing to let her go.
I wrote her a letter. I didn’t think I could wait until I saw her or I may have just made a choice not to tell her face to face even if I could wait. I read it to her over the phone. NOWI was a poet and really didn’t think about how defined my speech was, but in reading, I’m sure I broke her heart that day.NOW I heard sniffles on the other line while I was reading the letter. Immediately after reading the letter I hung up the phone. It was over I didn’t want to give her time to keep me on the phone and try to change my mind. I didn’t want to have to experience the pain she was going through. NOWWAIT!!!! I MeM nowNOW
My Sister had told me that she was about to get the phone cut off. I didn’t want to seem broke/expose that I was broke, knowing that I wasn’t going to be able to speak with her on the phone anymore, which meant that I would rarely be speaking with her at all. It was going to hurt me to have to do that time away from her without the constant communication that I was used to, along with being so far away. I chose that the load would be easier for me if I just ended it. If it hadn’t of been for Snoop telling me that she was going to get the phone cut off I would have stuck it out with her even though I had my fears and doubts. I was such a self-esteem addict that I lived and died to the things that would take away from the mask that I built for myself. So, since I wasn’t going to be able to talk to her anyway I felt it would be best to go on ahead and get it over with. I prepared myself for it. The preperation made me more suitable to deal with not having her anymore. NOWIt was what I didn’t prepare for (as always) that would put me in a place where I would find my learning and suffering.NOW Felecia called me repeatedly, over, over, and over. I didn’t pick up. I told Snoop not to answer. It was after a certain number of repeated calls that I said to myself, “this girl really likes me”. I just had to be strong enough to wait until the phone was off, then the ringing would stop. I really believed in my heart that I wouldn’t be able to take not being able to talk to her, still being in a relationship with her. NOWIt was a selfish moveNOW It was what was best for me. I tried to justify my actions a little by making myself believe that she wouldn’t have wanted anything to do with me when she found out about my past anyway, saying to myself that I was doing her a justice because now she could find somebody better. She really had my heart.
I MeM Snoop said something about, that girl keep calling. Y’all would have had to know how Snoop was. She had a demeanor that would make you think she didn’t care. NOWbut she did,and doesNOW I knew it , but she tried so hard to act like she didn’t that she could be a real asshole. I had mentioned to Snoop that I had dumped the girl because she was getting the phone cut off. When I told Snoop that, she told me that the phone was going to stay on. Not that she was keeping it on for me, but that she just wasn’t going to get it cut off. I felt bad, real bad. I was sad. I had let my girl go for no reason, and now I will have to be as cunning as I was in letting her go, in order to get her back. I went to work with my pencil, and made plans to call her. The phone had stopped ringing on her end by now. I waited on her call, or I called her and was honest about why I had written the letter. The plan was that we start over. She agreed and we continued on. It wasn’t the same.
I was a wonderful actor and had great control over my feelings, so I could turn them on and off as needed, getting right back into play. NOWI didn’t U the damage I had done to her, If she really liked me to the extent she had said. I had fractured a trust bone that before, was strong and had no damage. I hadn’t learned of this trust thing. I hadn’t learned of my power compared to others. I often believed, just as I was, so was everyone else, and just as easily as I had come across whatever I Ud, it was as easy for them.NOW She was never the same, and as much as was lost in her character when speaking to me, I tried to rekindle. I wasn’t able and the bond that we had, slowly dwindled.
For some reason I went to find a job/put applications in for a job. I put my name on a piece of paper at the px on post to get a job bagging groceries. I had too much time on my hand, or my sister was pressing me to do something with myself, because I had so much free time. It wasn’t too long after applying, that I got the job at the px and met a little guy named Silly.
Silly was a little light skinned dude, younger than me, I’m going to say that he was 18 then. He had an athletic build and knew how to play basketball, not as well as me of course, but for a little guy he played well. I don’t know what the reason was for him allowing himself to take me in in every way with kindness as if we had known each other for yrs. NOWsince then and still today, he has been that way, and in response, I am that way with him.NOW Me and Silly pretty much did everything together. We worked at the same place, hooped, going out, eating and chilling, like we had grew up together.
We were out at the high school football game. I had to try and keep up with his dress game, which took me out of my comfort zone where I did nothing. To hang with him I had to once again become fly, because it seemed to be a part of his daily routine. With me, I was mentally content with relaxation at the time. I had worked and failed, worked and failed, depended on and had been let down. Silly had always seemed to have goals and something to push him towards those goals. He brought life to me and my hope in people. I admired his efforts in all areas of his life. I went and did a little shopping with my little money, put a swag together, and got ready to step out for the night. We stepped out accommodating each other well.
I guess our presence was felt. We must have looked like money. Some girls that looked as if they were cheerleaders or dancers for one of the teams approached us to sell us some discounted food coupons. NOW…lolin…NOW We were both quite skeptical in our spending and were hesitant to buy. One of us said, “if yall give us a number, we will buy one”. NOWslight smirkNOW. I think it ended up costing us five dollars a piece to get one of the coupon cards. We began going half on everything from that day forward.
This was a number I really wasn’t supposed to be getting, because I was kind of bonded to Felicia. NOWleads me to believe that Silly was the one who asked for the numbers/number, because I wasn’t looking, but me and Felecia’s relationship may have been at that point.NOW SO I call baby BIRD, the girl from the game. She was honest about her age . She said she was 16 going on 17 if I MeM correctly, and I was 19, if not I wasn’t older. I hesitated to deal with her because of her age, but first because of Felicia. I chose to not X baby BIRD out completely.
She said during our Convo, or maybe later on down the road, that she had approached us with the intent of getting my number, or them getting our numbers. We ended our conversation, and I left her at the backburner for a moment. I had Felecia who loved me, and I her. That chapter of my life wasn’t closed yet. I preferred Felecia. baby BIRD was dark skinned, and I wasn’t too fond of dark for some reason. They had to almost be perfect to keep my attention if they were dark skinned. She was petite in shape and cute, but so was Felecia. baby Bird would have to wait.
Taur called me and told me that he had something to tell me. He told me Felecia had tried to get at him, like she wanted to holla at him. He told me it was like she was all over his dick, jocking him, and he was pretty much shaking her off, not paying her any attention. Taur knew that me and her were going out. I don’t know if I asked him to prove it, or asked him if he was sure he wasn’t looking into it wrong or not. That same day and hour he called her on 3 way and spoke with her. I dont MeM the details of the conversation, but I knew I sensed flaw. He hung up the phone. I think he asked me if I was alright.
I think I wanted to call her. I know I told him to fuck her if he could. I wanted to know that she wanted him for sure. Either he talked me out of calling her, or I never really intended to. I did make up in my mind that I was going to play her.
He didn’t take me up on the fucking her offer. That was my brother, and before I would trip on him about something she had started………well, I just never would have. Since she violated, she deserved to get fucked. If she thought she was going to get anything else out of Taur, she was tripping. I figured why deprive my brother out of a piece of pussy. I also was showing him that I wasn’t stressing it and I wouldn’t ever stress a chick when it came to him. He knew I cared about her, so in my brain to show that i was willing to give him permission to fuck her, meant that I cared more about him than her. I played hard with him while I was on the phone.
I was in shock. (again) When I got off the phone I really didn’t know what I was supposed to respond like. This had never happened to me before. I had never had a girl play me before. I never had a girl that I cared about play me before. I had never experienced a lie on this level before, because I really believed everything that she was telling me. It never occurred that she was even capable of hurting my feelings.
I was sitting on the couch in the living room the whole time. I leaned up while sitting on the couch and grabbed my head with both hands as if I was going to pull my hair out. I motioned slightly left and then to the right. The confusion was in, how do I express what I was feeling at the moment? This was new to me, the “loving” a girl and being betrayed by her, not only betrayed, but my brother was her intentions. It was this girl who I had thought to be so sweet, who had said she “loved” me and I her. I got up from the couch, put some running shoes on, and went out the door. I was going to run it off.
I wasn’t in running shape so it didn’t take long before I was tired and heading back into the apartment. NOWIf I had been in shape I probably would have run like Forrest Gump did, because I was all thrown off. I can’t explain the feelings because it was so long ago, but they were overwhelming, not to anger but to confusion and hurtNOW I accepted it, and continued our relationship as if I didn’t know anything about it. I was still in contact with Taurs’ girl that he really liked, but would never quite try and lock in on her. She was like a sister, though there was an attraction I had to fight, because she was attractive. We talked often and spent time together. Her qualities were admirable. I had made up in my mind that I would never express that, or try and make anything of it because of the bond I had with Taur. I stuck around and tried to be a help to each of them, trying to bring them together. I knew how Taur really felt about her, so I wasn’t fooled into thinking that he didn’t really, really like her, and then treat the situation as such. Me and Taur talked about everything. Whenever we were in the same town, we hung out. As we got older we sort of distanced ourselves, he grew more towards the streets and my mind wasn’t in it.
Me and Felecia had pretty much ended, and I had the BIRD character on speed dial, and took advantage. My intentions never were really on girlfriend boyfriend. I was always just trying to fuck the next girl. I cared for people and for some reason the girl would always want to be with me. The methods I used to get sex may have spoken of different intentions than I was trying to relay. I was caring and considerate at all times, I guess different than the average guys who may have been trying to get in their pants. I really cared. I never wanted a girl to feel as if they were only a piece of pussy, though, in my mind, that was all I wanted. I valued women still, as being that ultimate fulfillment in life through marriage. They were valuable even though I didn’t believe in God.
baby BIRD wanted more than sex. I think she may have even said that she wasn’t having sex unless she had a boyfriend. I think that is the reason why I chose to put a title on our relationship, it took some time before I put that title on there, but I know that if it wasn’t for that comment, I may have never put that title on us because of the relationship I had just got out of, that I wasn’t really out of. She was one of those tight nit family kind of girls. I couldn’t take her out unless I met her parents. NOWshe was young though so I’m sure that had alot to do with it.NOW Her mom and dad were married and as I MeM had alot of kids. I only met her two younger sisters that stayed with her.
I talked about my plans with her, not to get her to like me, but just to express my goals to her. She believed in my success and looked forward to it, almost as if it were going to happen for real, or as if it happened already. That wasn’t a nice quality for her to have in my eyes, because it made it seem as if too much was expected of me. I didn’t expect that much from myself, though I know I had the potential to succeed. It split my mind because I couldn’t figure out what her attraction was towards, me as a person, or my potential to satisfy her family and her with my future successes. It bothered me that she pushed and always spoke about the future. What if it didn’t happen, then I would feel like I let her down.
I was babysitting one night, and by this time my sister had dropped another baby, Presh O. I was babysitter and uncle to two. baby BIRD came over with one of her girls. I dumped Presh O off on the girl and proceeded to take baby BIRD back to the room and make out with her. I wasn’t quite seasoned as to how to take control over the situation when the female didn’t know what she was doing.
I had promised myself I wasn’t eating anymore pussy until I got married since I didn’t have to eat the superstar out. I didn’t feel obligated. There we lay on the bed. We were pretty much sneaking, because Lay Lea was still there, so we had to be as covert as possible. No ones’ clothes were fully off. I tried to penetrate but it was too tight. There came a knock at the door. Presh O had shitted a mess that was coming through the diaper, and the girl couldn’t contain the situation. I had to pull back.
The tightness, to me, said that she was a virgin as she had stated. We didn’t try any more that night, but I sure was looking forward to it. After they left, I got on the phone and called my little brother. Taur would have some advice for me on the issue, he was the pro. I explained to him what had happened. He said that it didn’t necessarily mean that she was a virgin, and that she might not have been wet enough. I thought about it and it made since. If he gave me any advice as to what I should do the next time, I don’t MeM. When we did finally have sex it was in a luxury vehicle. It wasn’t as hard to get in this time. The position was a more open one. It ended up not feeling like I thought a virgin would feel. Afterwards I called Taur and told him about it. He asked me if there was blood. I told him no. NOWI dont MeM the convo really, I’m letting you all know I called Tuar to keep you aware of how close he was to me and what our relationship was like.NOW I felt like she may have lied to me about being a virgin. It was always in the back of my mind, because I despised lies. I was real big on the trust thing, in life, and after going through what I had just gone through with Felecia.
After I had sex with baby BIRD, I felt as if I owed her. I couldn’t leave her now unless it was her decision, or else I might ruin her life and make her feel bad, thinking I took advantage of her and what was precious to her. After we had sex I wished that she wouldn’t have locked in on me. I felt I had an obligation to her know. She locked in on me. If we weren’t boyfriend and girlfriend already, you could say that we were then. It was then that I really took on the role of pursuing our relationship. NOWI always stayed with a girl by my side….on that girlfriend shid, what happen tuh pimpin dem..smhNOW
She was a holiday girl, which I didn’t like, because I wasn’t a money man, and wasn’t in a drive to get any. Stepping out with Silly would have been the only reason. I only pursued money so that I wouldn’t fall behind, and so that he wouldn’t have to pick up the slack, which he would do without hesitation. I started to notice that she wanted too much for herself, from me. As much as I was able I would do because I liked her, but she was a burden, because she never thought about the positions she was putting me in, mostly financial. I wanted to make her happy and live up to her expectations, so I tucked my tongue and usually did what she asked.
I was broke, I didn’t have any money. I didn’t have anything. I had one pair of nice sneakers, some black shoes and a couple decent outfits.
Snoop was leaving. I don’t know if she was leaving the army, or i she was just leaving active duty. I know I was moving back to Aiken.
I didn’t dump baby Bird, but here was another long distance relationship that was about to take place. I don’t think we had made it to the “love” point yet and I would be subject to cheating on her as long as she didn’t find out.
NOWI can’t MeM where I went to stay from there, I think it was at Mr. and Mrs houseNOW When I did move in with them I would share a room with Daj. I got settled in and it was back to having rules to obey because Mr. wasn’t having it. Nothing major, but there just wasn’t enough freedom for a growing man like me. I had to go to church, which I hated, and there would most definitely not be any lying around the house. There was too much work to be done, either around the house or in the yard. I needed a job. I felt that was the only way I was going to get some freedom and leisure time.
I talked with baby BIRD whenever I could. I didn’t have a car or a license. Kop, my other brother outside of my 3 brothers (not including Tee and Niko), Dajs’ brother would later help me get my license. Mr. no longer had the patience. I scared him when I was behind the wheel. I eventually got a job and was saving my money to buy a car. Daj was driving me to work in his car. The distance was far. I paid him gas money for taking me and picking me up. That was a problem. It was only a problem because I was overly depended on him and going to work wasn’t as satisfying. I saved up 500 dollars, which in my mind, at the time, was alot. Considering what I had to go through to get it, and my patience being tried in not having a vehicle made that 500 sound like a million. Mr. wanted me to save more money before I went and bought a car, but I wasn’t trying to hear that, and he didn’t push the issue. NOWwish he would haveNOW I ended up buying a car form my aunt on Tyrones’ side of the family. It ran but the window was out of it, so we parked it until I could get the money to fix it. I brought the window for it. That’s as far as I got.
I quit the job because I was having back problems. I think I got a job a burger place, then got fired. Mr was letting me drive his truck to work when I was at the burger place. I must have gotten my license.
It was while I was staying with Mr. and Mrs. that I found out about the CHATLINE.NOTE I had my first phone sex conversation off a girl that was on there. NOWI could swear her name was NinaNOTE.
Keesy and Daj were beating me up in the room one night. I had run Keesy away. It was down to me and Daj. While they had me beat, they were telling me to say I give. I don’t think I did. After Keesy had left I wrapped Daj up, had him in the bear hug, telling him to say he gives. I didn’t U his response that I am about to tell you about, because we were all playing, well at least I was. He wouldn’t say he gave up, but he was telling me to let him go. I could see that his face and attitude were changing but I wasn’t going to let him off that easy. I kept saying, ” just give up”. He wouldn’t. He reached up, dug his nails in my face and scratched me. NOWwe were too old for that shitNOW If I wasn’t all grown up and knew better I would have beat him to a pulp. I was real protective over my face. I was fighting acne and I took alot of time to care for the parts of me that people could see (all of me), but ,mostly my face.
I had to walk around with a mark on my face for a reason unknown to me. I had no idea why he had sparked like that. First out of respect for Mrs, I wasn’t going to beat her baby up in her house, though he deserved it. Then because he was my little brother, and he could act slow at times. I knew to be the bigger brother. I put my hands to his face, and pressed my nails to his skin lightly, just enough to let him know that if I wanted to, I could have had my way with him, punishing him way more than what he had chosen to do to me. I asked him, “now how would you like it if I were to scratch your face”? I don’t think he replied. I walked off and went to tell Mrs. what had happened.
I mentioned to her that I was leaving. I don’t MeM the whole convo. I sat down next to her bed side. I was 19 then, and I cried. I wept to her, half explaining my confusion with his actions towards me, and expressing, in part, that I had been through so much. As usual, as in all cases but one or two, she was comforting to me. I told her I was leaving. She asked,”where was I going to go”? It was night time. I had in mind to take my belongings and walk until I couldn’t anymore. I would have if she hadn’t of talked me out of it. She said something like, “how about you sleep here for the night, and then if you want to leave, you can figure out what you want to do tomorrow”.
I would, at times, talk with Mrs., while in my confusion about the Bible, hoping within myself that she had answers for me, since she was a woman of God, and I looked up to her as a mother. She didn’t have the answers I was looking for and often didn’t pursue those kinds of conversations with me long. It seemed that she might have thought I was trying to be smart and doubtful, but I really just wanted her to be able to make it all make sense to me. I’m sure that it was on this night that I thought about how happy she made me, and how she was always there for me. I said to myself, “this woman that has been nothing but nice to me, believes in God. Because of her I will believe as well. I will believe, and I will try to U”. The next time I picked up the bible, my heart was open as a believer. Having gone through everything I had up to this point, having new information, and Knowledge different than what I had when I stopped believing at the age of 15, I started reading the words in red.
NOWthat’s everything that Jesus spoke in the New Testament(KJV Bible). At this point of my book, if you have read the Bible before, read it again. If you haven’t read, read the New Testament(KJV Bible) now. Do this before continuing to read my book. If you believe in Jesus Christ dying for your sins, read now believing that EVERYTHING you are about to read is the truth, and explains to you how you should live as a believer. If you are not willing to believe that EVERYTHING you are about to read is the truth, then do not continue reading my book, burn it, delete me, get fully away from whatever format of my book that you have, until you are ready to believe that what you are about to read in the Bible is the truth. Save yourself some trouble. Trust Me. I believe with everything that is in me that it is Truth. I’m not asking you to give your life completely over to him, though that would be Great!!! You do that when you’re ready. Hopefully you don’t wait too long.NOW


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I didn’t give him my life that day, but I chose to believe in his word because of Mrs. Instead of reading now, to discount the scriptures, I read looking for ways to explain them, and give reason to everything I read. Whatever reason I came up with, it was a positive one, not a negative. I made myself satisfied with whatever reason I came up with because I believed. Every reason, for everything I was reading, and things that I was applying to life, I now had an answer for it. Every reason was a positive one that made sense. If it didn’t make sense, I made it make sense by trying my hardest to make it make sense, giving myself a simple or complicated answer for every question I had in life, because if Mrs. believed, finding no fault in her, only shows of “love”, then I would believe for her sake. That is all it took in order for me to tap into what has been waiting for me my whole life, truth. In reading, I Ud enough, that even though I wasn’t giving my life to God, I began to be effected by what I had read. My past was starting to be broken down. Daily events were starting to be broken down. I had an Uing of life that was working on me, even in my choice to still be a sinner. The word being in me, came alive, and fought without permission. NOWfrom that day forward I was always growing, into what, I had no ideaNOW
In Uing what I had read, I said to myself, “so that’s what I have to do in order to be happy”. I admitted to myself I wasn’t ready to give up the things in life that I would have to in order to take that step. I knew and Ud exactly what I was going to have to do whenever I was ready. I made up in my mind that I wouldn’t live the life of a sinner forever. NOWI don’t know how long I stayed with Mr, and Mrs. after that. In my heart I had always been an honest person. I did my dirt as a child, but I kept my heart. I was real. I was loyal and honest to those close to me, in the best manner I knew how to be. Whatever level of real I was grew from that day forward. I left my brothers in the wind on the “real” note.NOW My loyalty to them grew and theirs to me dwindled.
I think I went to stay with my mom then. While I was there I began to write a book. It was going to be about all the girls I had been in a relationship with. I started, never finished. Not too long after staying with her, I was going to Job Corp in Bristol Tennessee .
I told baby BIRD that I was writing the book. She seemed proud of the decision, and was off to motivating me as usual. I didn’t like her motivation though. When she spoke it seemed as if she was trying to speak like she had some type of enlightenment that I didn’t, like she was my very own, personal, motivational speaker. The problem was the flaws that I noticed in her, being a girl that went to church, and speaking of God often. It seemed hypocritical for her to speak as if she had advice for me and none for herself. Her push had easily become a pet peeve. I still accepted, because the only thing that could really turn me away from a girl, was them cheating, or excessive lying. The simple imperfections were not a factor. I knew that I would have a way bigger imperfection that I would need her to accept in the long run.
I was humbled in the relationship when it came to things that weren’t that appealing. We were sitting on the couch at her house, and she was sitting on my lap facing me with her knees on the couch. She was looking in my mouth. We must have been having a conversation about teeth or something. She saw that my bottom row was crooked and jumbled. She made a statement. I didn’t know if she was serious or not. She said, “if I knew your teeth was like this, I wouldn’t have gone out with you. I didn’t really pay it any mind, when it came to expressing to her that I paid it some mind. I thought immediately of the flaws I overlooked, the physical ones I overlooked, and still chose to talk to her as a girlfriend. As a girl that I was just going to be having sex with, she could have gotten away with these flaws at all times, not as my girl, but since I had sex with her, I was locked in on her flaws. I wasn’t going to do her like that. I also thought about me never mentioning to her any of those things I would have considered flaws, not mentioning them to her because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. That was just a slight difference that all the therapy had on me when it came to the outside world that I was presented to. I had a better Uing of how to keep others in mind in my social activities. I thought about how the things I said, did, and didn’t say and do, would affect people that I dealt with. I often learned a person quicker than they learned me.
I was well reserved in my hiding. The Sexual Offense Cycles we learned weren’t much different than the life cycle of a human being. The difference was in the act that we finished the cycle with, and what the last thing to happen in the cycle was. I had mastered the cycle.
baby BIRD was also giving me positive speeches about Job Corps. I often wondered, “does she know who she is talking to”? NOWI guess she just wanted me to succeedNOW I told her about my offenses, either before I left to go to Job Corp, or during a brief break in it, where we were allowed to go back to our cities. I don’t MeM her response, but she still wanted to pursue our relationship.
It was serious to me now, and I was about ready to approach the marriage status. I wanted to be happy in life. I was ready to give my life to someone. I tied marriage into being a part of the ultimate purpose. I thought that was part of what I should be involved in, in order to be happy. Get married, have kids, being a man of God, and train your kids up in the way that they should go. So my happiness, to me, depended on another person. NOWin applying my want to doing what was right, I confused myself. I should have taken it one step at a time, no wants involvedNOW I was ready. I wasn’t going to lose another girl because I was scared to tell them about my offenses. I figured at this point, by her saying many times that she wanted to be with me, I had the opportunity to make her a liar, or bring us together. I was slowly becoming a fan of not wasting my time, and trying(testing) lies. I was setting her up for marriage.
It was my first time on a plane. Job Corps flew me out to Tennessee. When I got there, it was time to reset my life again. I got to begin fresh again and create a new face. I was already a fan of reinventing myself. I liked being able to present myself to people who didn’t know me. It was like there was a clean slate without judgment. I took advantage of that. I started off fresh, paying attention to the details of what the program was about and what it was going to be able to do for me. I planned on making this the success point of my life. I wanted to come out of this independent. Independent would mean, finally overcoming everything I had been through in life. It would give me a little more confidence, and keep me from having to deal with any of my fake family anymore, or anyone for that instance. Then my success would depend on me, and not on kissing anyone ass.
I chose to take up the trade of security, It seemed the least demanding. I would be doing it full time because I already had my G.E.D. I got along great with all the staff. My instructor was this cool little old white guy. He had a young swag about himself. The staff made it easy to be social and get along with the program. I became the guy that introduced the new kids and showed them the way. I was training to play for the basketball team there. Everything was still running smooth. Then came Egee, she was about the best thing we had to look at, or even attempt to get, that wasn’t taken already. I was still locked in on baby BIRD. Egee was still young. Both situations with both girls slowed my pursuit.
I had gotten some pictures of baby BIRD in the mail, and a letter. I was excited to see what she looked like now, because time had passed. I also wanted to show her to the guys on the dorm. She didn’t let me down. Mainly she was growing up and filling in well. I was proud to show her off. The guys gave me my props.
We still had some kinks to work out. She was a materialistic girl and that wasn’t settling well with me. It was time for another holiday, and it was already being brought up by her. I threw hints that I figured would let her know that it wasn’t attractive to me, quite unattractive. She didn’t pick up. NOWI must have been more up on the Bible than I can MeMNOW I decided to take things into my own hands. It was my idea of trying to wife her that had my brain focused on the spiritual, along with her being a church girl, speaking of God on occasion, applying certain things to scripture, which I, in turn had to reply to, now having a better Uing of things in the Bible. I decided that since she was so materialistic, I would check her on her Godly status. I wanted to show her that she wasn’t as Godly as she was claiming to be. I was just tired of feeling pressured. My plan was to take her out of her comfort zone and show her that she valued things other than those of the spirit. I wanted her to curse me. I wanted her honest emotion. I needed to shake her up to get it. For as long as I was doing everything she wanted me to do, everything was fine, and she had nothing but nice things to say. I wanted her to flip, off of this line, “I think we should just be brothers and sisters in Christ”. She didn’t. I think she just said okay.
I had done this through an email because I couldn’t wait until the next time we were going to see each other. The holiday would have come by then, and I would have had to deal with her too long, just waiting to see her so that I could try my test out. I wanted her to change. I wanted a piece of mind sooner not later. If I would have done it over the phone, she might have interrupted me and messed the whole thing up. I don’t MeM how I actually phrased the whole set up. I do know that there was more, and it was better than the single phrase, “I think we should just be brothers and sisters in Christ”. I may have even left some important parts out. That was the gist of it though. I think I had left her with the option of saying we could be that, or not, no explanations, no questions. NOWI would still have the conversation, but one of my accounts canceled out from lack of use and it was on there. She may still have itNOW After she had responded, I realized that I was too nice. I had phrased it in such a way that it was too pleasant. I didn’t shake her up. I was still a nice guy in her eyes. I had no flaw. I had to create one. I don’t MeM my full train of thought, but it made sense to do and say everything as I had. I wrote her back, and said something like,” you know what? I changed my mind. I never really liked you anyway, and plus, I have this other girl I’m talking to”. After I sent that message, I got just the response I was looking for. I don’t MeM what I was looking for, but it was confirmed in her response to me. If she would have said anything like, “well that’s cool, and I hope everything works out for you, or just anything that was humble, I would have admitted my lie and taken her to be mine forever. NOWI wish I could MeM what she verified, and that I could explain it better, but I just can’t pull it up in my brainNOW The last thing I MeM her saying back to me in her note was, “you reap what you sow, Mr. Bible man”. NOWI think I was trying to prove that she didn’t “love” me. Right now, that seems like the right answer as to why I had put her through that whole scenario.
We had conversations about her love for me, and I questioned it, because of her, and maybe even because Felecia saying she loved me, and tried to talk to my brotherNOW Her composure, regardless of what I may have said to her, would have verified her “love” for me. What she said would have had that “love” in it. I just needed to know that I wasn’t chasing a lie, that I wasn’t about to marry something that wasn’t real, because I wasn’t far from asking her.
She didn’t know where my heart was with her, but that was the reason for the test. If she didn’t “love” me then I was wasting my time and she was a liar. It was the God part also that had me try her so harshly, because she believed in God, spoke of him as if she was educated in such matters, and was righteous. My test was harsh and right at her, because she was representing Christ. If she was a regular girl saying she “loved” me and didn’t speak as a man concerning scriptures when she spoke to me, I wouldn’t have held her to such high standards. She failed. I don’t know what happened next, but I was relieved of my duties. I relieved myself of my duties.

I was out to get Egee, but I wasn’t rushing into another relationship where I had to care about another girl. Egee had niggas pressing her already. I was too old to be in competition. I liked her, sensed she was sweet, and we got along well. She was confused as to why if I liked her as much as I said I did, did I not express it like these other guys were. I think she needed more of a push from me. I wasn’t up for it, and I lost Egee to the world.
I had my mind set so close to marriage, and that, to me, would have meant a closer relationship to God. Because of that, I was transforming. I was maturing daily, just by wanting to reach that fulfillment of marriage in my life. I believed in God now, so I offered him time on occasions. My mind would even slip and focus on him while I was still choosing the sinful road. NOWI had grown spirituallyNOW My thinking was more positive, though it usually was more optimistic anyway.
There was this guy that seemed to have a problem with me. I didn’t know why. I was just told that by somebody. I figured I would address it and get it over with. I didn’t have any problems, and didn’t want any lingering around. I didn’t prefer fighting, but I would, and knew how. I was pretty much a positive peer, and a role model to the others, but I guess since the word was floating, I just wanted to clear the wind. Hopefully if we fought, I could get it over with without the staff finding out, because it would really mess my face up with them. They expected more from me. Based upon what they expected, I began to expect better from myself. I had no reason to let people who believed in me, down.
I set up the fight. Somehow I asked him, whether through somebody else or myself, I asked him if that was what he wanted. In my mind it was going to be a nice friendly fight to clear the air. He agreed to fight. I didn’t have a problem with the guy myself. I wasn’t even upset. It took alot to get me riled up. We set the fight to be behind the dorm that I was in. That was the most discreet location. We got set and we were off. I was bigger than him. I wasn’t a bully. I never really was a brawler either. I knew how to fight. I didn’t rush him, and I’m sure because of my size, 6’4, about 215, he wasn’t going to rush me. It was a pretty casual set up. We took our shots. I don’t MeM anybody hitting anybody. At one point it seemed as if he wanted to rush in, he did slightly, but maybe just enough to try and get a hit in, because he didn’t have reach advantage. We got tangled for a second and I pushed him off of me. He had barely budged me. I know he felt the power I had compared to him. We probably threw a few more shots, and while we were sizing each other up, I asked him, “you finished”? I was tired. I figured whatever point was to be proven was proved, and I really didn’t care to keep fighting. If he would have chosen to, it was on to the next round. He didn’t say anything. I asked him again, pulled my stance back and held my hand out to shake his. He looked at me puzzled, thought about it, we shook hands and that was that. We didn’t have any further problems.
Later there would be another guy that wanted to fight. I don’t MeM how we got to a disagreement. I wanted to fight outside, he wanted to fight inside. I knew that fighting inside meant a brawl. I wasn’t for the brawl. If he wanted to fight, we could, but it was going to be outside. I wasn’t strong in wrestling. He was short, but not small by a long shot. Little niggas smaller than him could out wrestle me. I wasn’t built for it. I didn’t have the arm strength, because I stayed away from weightlifting and pushups as much as possible. My muscle grew fast, and I ate well, so that kind of working out would have had me “swole”. I was a basketball player. I just didn’t want to be big, didn’t like the look either. We dodged each other that way and never fought, which was cool with me. As long as people didn’t think I was scared, I was alright with peace. I promoted peace.
I actually snitched this one guy out. He had said something about a blade or cutting somebody. None of us were there for that kind of drama. He wanted to play the bad role, like he was a big shot, and as if he was calling shots. I didn’t hide the fact that I had said something. I wasn’t scared of him, but that wasn’t the kind of environment I wanted in my dorm. I couldn’t let peoples stay be ran by evil, and their freedom be taken by their fear. I didn’t want to have to feel like I had to watch by back where I lived at either. I was the biggest guy there. If I wasn’t bullying, then no one else was going to be getting the benefits of it.
Somewhere along the lines of my stay, I found fighting to not be profitable. I made sure it was known to everybody, I wasn’t fighting anymore. I didn’t see what it benefitted. The end result was more to my loss. Whether I won the fight or lost the fight, I couldn’t find a happy ending. Looking for a happy ending was risky. I was lucky enough to run into a guy that was willing to end the fight with a truce and a shake of hands. I knew that it wasn’t going to always be like that. I could get hurt or end up having to hurt someone else. I wasn’t built for that.
Me and main man Louie, we ran the Corps. He was the point guard and I was Jordan on the A team. A team was like a varsity team in high school. Everybody called me Jordan. I had the low cut then. I was in my mode athletically. I was now training, on top of being one hell of an athlete already. The competition wasn’t that fierce, but there was rarely competition for me at all, most definitely when I was in shape. I think we had played two or three games. We were undefeated, both of our squads. None of the A teams games were even close to us being beaten.
I had injured my ankle/tweaked it somewhat before I got to Job Corps. Before the season, we would play, and while playing I would play reserved. I still boasted to everybody, “just wait till I get my braces”. I was scared to play without them. Everybody doubted that I could play any better than I was already showing. They couldn’t guard me then. I had the mouth of a nigga that wasn’t playing reserved, so they wanted to see me back it up. I backed it up. I was in rare form. I could feel my life shifting towards a better plain. I was finally able to utilize all my potential and I knew I was going to make it.
I had tweaked my ankle again while I was at Job Corp, during the season. I sat out a game. My coach had wanted me to play but I was scared to take the risk. I didn’t want to play on it if I didn’t have to. I supposed that my team would be able to win, because we dominated while I was on the court, by so much. I stood on the sideline, dressed out. Coach had told me if I wasn’t going to play, I was still going to dress out. I wanted us to start losing so that I could step in and save the day, but I really didn’t want to play. I had told coach if they needed me, I would play. I cheered them on heavily, because it seemed that they were losing it. They ended up getting it together and brought a win to the house.
I was playing a pickup game, later that night(i think). I felt that I could control the level of play and I wouldn’t hurt myself. I didn’t play in the game because I didn’t want to be the reason for us losing, knowing that I was going to be holding back, along with risking any further injury to my ankle.
I went up for a casual defensive move, just to show my face in order to help prevent the play. I didn’t suspect the other guy on the court to aggressively contend the shot along with me. He collided with me while I was in the air. It threw my concentration off and I came down, not focusing on being bumped. It all happened so fast. I came down and, “ahhhhhhhhhh”! I screamed and yelled. I had rolled my right ankle. I fell to the floor. I was in pain, similar to the pain that I had felt when the staff had pulled on my arm too hard and tore it. I heard the tearing of my ligament/ligaments when I went down. I was on the ground and paralyzed for a moment. The boys helped me down to the dorm. My ankle had begun to swell. It looked like an orange was sitting on the side of my ankle. I wanted to be rushed to the hospital. We were in the mountains and I guess they didn’t think it was Rev enough. I had to wait till the next day. The pain was worse than the elbow tare. I went to the doctor. They gave the X-ray, and said it was broken. They gave me a few months for it to heal, 3-6 months I believe. The season was sure to be over by the time I was ready. I could have possibly made it, and that depended on if the team was able to hold it together long enough for me to heal.
Getting around on crutches and a brace, on an ankle that was supposed to be elevated, while in the mountains, was hell. They still wanted me to work while I was in my healing process. The working was fine. I could maintain the dorm, but they wanted me to walk up the hill in the morning for debriefing, then back down to work. I figured I couldn’t manage or heal properly under those demands. I had to get back to the house. I couldn’t believe how I was being treated. It was like a sudden cloud had come over the staff. I guess, mainly my instructor for pushing the issue of me having to go up and down that hill while I was on crutches with a broken ankle. I was more confused than I was hurt. NOWI didn’t think that I would be cutting back my drive for success when they allowed me to go back to the house. My hopes were dead. I would never go back to JobNOW
Eventually after many request to go back to the house, I was allowed. I called my mom and asked her if it would be alright if I came to stay with her until I healed, she said it would be alright. She had told me that Tee was staying there. I was happy that I was going back to the house, and that while healing, I could be there for my brother. By the time I got to the house, settled in, and eventually called Job back about returning, they hit me with a corkscrew. They said that I wouldn’t be able to return without a release from a doctor saying that I would be able to work. I didn’t have insurance/money for a doctor. I was torn that they were telling me this, and then they waited until I was gone and had made the decision to leave, to tell me that there would be stipulations on how I could return. I thought I was leaving until I healed, and I was coming right back. I never would have left until I was sure I was going to be able to get back, if I had been forewarned. NOWin my brain at the time, I couldn’t come up with a way to see a doctor, though it seems simple now to just go to a little doctor’s office, pay a little fee for them to say I was alright, and be on my way. I think the problem was me thinking I would need an x-ray to prove that the bone had healed, and getting an x-ray wasn’t going to come cheap. If I had enough money to just get x-rays done at will, I wouldn’t need Job. I’m still “throwed” by their acts to me, till this day, but hey, necss is necss.NOW
Tee wasn’t working at the time and I only had the little money I made while working at Job. It wasn’t going to be enough to support me for long, just enough to get a little food here and there. Mom never really kept a stacked house full of food, most definitely not enough to support me and Tee. So we rationed it out and made it work. In the meantime, I wanted to see my brother in better health and shape, so I pushed him to work out with me. We did, as he was barely eating. I didn’t care that he was barely eating. He had eaten enough if you asked me. He was fat. He needed to get all that weight off of him. He liked to call himself sexy. NOWtee was slowNOW
Tee was damaged by a past that he couldn’t seem to shake. I knew the hardships he had went through, not even all of them, because we didn’t have the same process group. The little that I knew was enough, and having had seen him back at one of the juvenile camps we were in at our young age, he was ratchet then, so his life wasn’t easy. I wanted to motivate him to begin a process of overcoming that stuff. I overcame mine. I wasn’t being drug through the mud by my past. The fact that he was allowing it was sickening to watch. The remorse was there, but I had none for his content with being a fat, lazy, greedy, blob. Not my brother. Not representing me. In my brain, it was like, “lets do better, we represent each other. I’m here for you. We can prevail together”. I never let up on him.
I was back talking to baby BIRD, either because her and Tee had kept in contact, or one of us called the other. I came up with a song for her that me and Tee sung to her for her birthday. I either had missed her birthday because of our separation, or it was here now. I don’t MeM what the status of our relationship was, but we were talking again.
Me and Tee were helping somebody move. While we were in the moving truck, Tee got out to tell my mom something. I sent him because I was injured. Before he got to her, he passed out and fell into the glass door of the persons house, head first. He broke the glass. NOWhey fat man!!!(promotion to my fam, Bigg Bailey(Fb))NOW I laughed at him. He was alright. He should have drunk more water. He was working out off of small portions. I was pushing him, but I didn’t feel sorry for him. NOWhe probably still has the scar on his face todayNOW
My mom was an asshole, the most hypocritical person I knew. She was a said Christian and I was around her in her walk more than most Christians. She didn’t hold up to the act. She mishandled Tee as a man that she was offering help to. She didn’t U what Tee had been through. She didn’t handle him properly as a scarred human being and a child to her, in age, but still a man. She didn’t reverence him as a man partly because she was helping him (assumption), as if that stopped him from being a man. She did me the same way, but I was K.E.W. I had more control over my feeling and a better Uing of her ignorance. It took more for her to get at me. Her manners, eventually led to her kicking Tee out. I told her if she kicks him out, then she is kicking me out, because there wasn’t any way I was going to live in her house while my brother was on the street. She still chose to kick him out, saying that I could stay but he had to go. NOWSTUPID BITCH!!!!NOW I called my sister and asked her if we, or if he could come stay with her. My sister accepted. My mom loved me though.(sarK)
Snoop was staying in the bottom down in Augusta at the time. I stuck around with Tee for a while, and made cool with the youngsters in no time. I was running the neighborhood, and playing ball with them on occasion. There were some older people I hung around, but they were gay. That was only sparked by us meeting one of them that we thought was a girl. I got along with them fine, but it’s a daily fight to keep them from trying to get in your pants. I drifted back to hanging with the young boys in the hood again. I met most of them through a youngster that stayed right next to us. They were more into what I was for, roaming the streets and having fun. That’s exactly what we did.
I was supposed to come back to the hood and kick it with them after I left, for whatever reason I left. I was never able to, but as often as I could, I checked in with them. I knew they looked up to me. I wanted to be able to help them get out of the bottom/just be there for them. I was visiting them while I had my car, then I wrecked it, and that kept me from continuing.
NOWmaybe I left Tee with Snoop, when I went tuh stay with Mama Bug, Tyrone’s X wife, while I found a Job, I guess to give Snoop a break.NOW I got the car that I was going to visit the boys in the hood with, while I was with her. I had bought it with the check I had gotten from Job for my student work that I had done while I was there. I think Snoop needed me to babysit again. Tee must have had left. NOWohh!!NOW My mom had gotten Tee kicked out the house pretty much, because she called the cops on him. He was supposedly smoking weed in the house. I think Snoop had told him not to, as one of the rules of the house, along with not having people in her house. He violated both of them and was caught by Debra. She made it a big issue, and Snoop had to let him go. Either I quit my job, tired of working, and would rather help her and babysit, or I had already quit. It’s not really Rev.
I left Mama Bug to go with Snoop. I took my car and went to the bottom. Something happened because my car was down for a while. I was back with my little people though. These little niggas had me out doing young nigga stuff, like I was their age, shooting at peoples cars with BB guns. That’s why I left the first time, because the cops were called and I didn’t run inside, but there was a curfew, and they asked where I lived at and I wasn’t on my sisters’ lease, so I ended up making my spot hot.
It wasn’t long before Snoop was leaving to go to another spot, and I went with her there. Conifer Ct. would be the new spot.
I wrecked my car driving to a burger place that was right across the street. I had insurance, but not full. NOWPUT FULL COVERAGE ON YOUR VEHICLE, then they told me it was totaled, which must mean something different than what I thought. It only got hit on the backside corner. I assumed that trying to get it from the tow company was pointless. I was stupid. They got me. Now I was out of a vehicle, trying to save a little money……FULL COVERAGENOW.
I had a little money left. A job wasn’t going to be on the menu because I was babysitting. I didn’t like working that much, to work and baby sit. I had to have a long forewarning for that kind of stuff. I didn’t want to work and knew I had to try to make my last little bit of money work for me. I took my money and bought some things to sell, trying to go into business for myself. I gave credit to those who didn’t deserve it and ended up messing my money up because I was never paid. I was broke.
I never stopped working out, hoping that one day I would take off. I always tried to stay prepared for an opening in basketball. I finally had an opening in my schedule, so I decided to give college a try, for basketball of course. I got all my paper work straight and was accepted into Augusta State.
Snoop was with her man and was able to watch the kids. I don’t think she was working anymore. All of us stayed together. Me, Snoop, her man, and the three kids. I now had a nephew, Bo-K. NOWi can’t piece it together, but I think had went tuh look for a job because I had the extra free time, being that Snoop was there full time. After I got the job, or before, her man had left, either way she wasn’t working and could watch her own kids. Well I know that by the time I had the opportunity to work, go to school, and stay on campus, I chose not to.NOW I made the choice to stay, because whatever the situation was, if I would have gone, she would have had to find a babysitter. Whether she had to go find another job or something because her man left, I can’t MeM. She told me to do what I wanted to do, that she was going to be alright. I’m sure she would have been, because we got peoples, I couldn’t see myself making a decision like that, knowing that the situation wasn’t stable. Whether I had begun pursuing school and work, because I didn’t have to babysit, or not, at the moment when going to school and staying on campus was available, it would mean leaving her to fend for herself at the spur of the moment. That wasn’t my thing, so I chose to stay with her and go to school off campus while working.
I was in contact with babyBIRD still because I MeM speaking with her while I was on the couch at my sisters’ house. NOWI have to go back, somewhere along the lines of me leaving Job, and before I ended up at Snoop’s in Conifer. I had proposed to babyBIRD, and before that, I had stayed with Tyrone.NOW Me and Tee was at Tyrone’s house in Ga. I know I hadn’t received the check from Job that I was waiting on, and I hadn’t gotten the car I had wrecked in NA.
While me and Tee were there, Fosis would come and stay with us, she was our foster sister. She went into foster care the same time Tee had went in. They were separated though. I don’t know what sparked her decision to come live with us. Her situation was straight. I guess it was just the thought of being with her brothers and Tyrone, being with real family. I thought that things were set up wonderfully. We had Tyrone which was rare for all of us, and we had each other. I was happy to be with them, and being the oldest, I was there for them. I was ready to take on that job. We were only missing the other child that Tyrone had with their mom. Tyco was the other brother in foster care.
It wasn’t long before everything started to become a power struggle with Tyrone, and money seemed to be an immediate issue, along with control on his part. He never just seemed happy enough to have us all there, Uing what we had all been through. He was new to the parenting game, and failed horribly. We were new to the child game, and we failed as well. While I was there I was straight. I knew I wasn’t going to be on his bad side, because I was bringing money in. It was my siblings that I was trying to keep stable because there was always something going on between him and Tee and him and Fosis. I held us all together. I would have been “spazzed” on him if it was just me and him, but I was maintaining for the bigger picture.
Me and Tee had our little shots at the chat line together. It was our broke man ritual, the cheapest way for us to meet girls. We weren’t working and didn’t have a car. The chat line always seemed to let us down. It was either a 14 yr old saying she was 18, or a fat girl saying she wasn’t fat, we had to pull up on her and be disappointed with the lie. Every attempt to find something real on the chat line had become a waste of time. There was always something outside the ordinary going onNOTE.
Me and babyBIRD must have straightened things out and were dating again, if not dating, we were talking. She was up to her old tricks again, requesting things from me. I guessed I didn’t prove my point in my last attempt when I pumped faked her on my not wanting to talk to her, and saying I was talking to another girl. She managed to get me to agree to come to her prom. I know I tried my best to opt out. It was something about me not showing up to her military ball, which was a big thing to her, and she didn’t want me to miss her prom also. I agreed to go.
When I was to get my money from Job, I had planned on getting a car, something cheap that would be mine. I was talked out of that by Tyrone. I didn’t want to override his wants and opinions too much because I was living with him. He recommended that we fix his car. My thought was that there was always something wrong with his car, and that we would always be fixing it. I still wouldn’t have a car. I agreed to fixing his car, as long as once it was fixed, I would be able to use it whenever I needed it. He agreed to that. His car was fixed, I still didn’t have one and I now needed his car to go to the prom. He said no to letting me hold the car, which was a violation of our agreement. I had to spend more money, to rent a car, which he did take me to get in his name because I was under 21. I was rushed because I didn’t have a vehicle. I had to get one and drive about 3 hrs to Hinesville, and a storm was on the menu (news). I told her I was coming and I would make every attempt to not be a liar. babyBIRDs’ dad was trying to lighten the pressure of my decision to come, by telling her that I might not be able to come, because of the storm. NOWhe might have even recommended not comingNOW. I didn’t want to disappoint her, and I wanted to show up for him so that he could enjoy her day. I got dressed ahead of time and should have been getting there at a decent enough time for the prom, and to enjoy the time beforehand.
The rain had stopped. There were still wet spots on the road so that you could tell that it had rained pretty heavy. I hit a puddle on the side of the road. The SUV spun around going into the other lane missing the oncoming traffic, and jumped into the ditch on that side of the road. I was fine, but the SUV wasn’t and neither were my plans. Tyrone wasn’t going to be fine either, but I wasn’t about to call him. I didn’t call anyone, and was hoping that the police didn’t come because I wasn’t supposed to be driving the vehicle, which meant that Tyrone could get in trouble. Some people that seen me cross the street and go into the ditch, turned around and came to get me. They took me to the nearest gas station. I either called babyBIRD and told her what had happened then, or she called me, then I finally explained what had happened. My suit was clean. I was a mess, in shock, feeling like a failure, wishing I had gotten hurt or something. I had wrecked the SUV and was perfectly fine. babyBIRD pulled up with her male parent and we were getting ready to head to Hinesville. He got someone to pull it out the ditch before we left. It was still drivable. That was a relief. There was a problem with the back light, and that was it. I rode with her in his car, and he drove the SUV back.
We made it back in time for the prom. We were a little late, but we showed up and we drove the SUV there, semi “stuntin” on Post.
Fosis had let me hold a new r&b album that had just came out. Not long after leaving, we were off to the hotel. I don’t know how Silly got there, but he was enjoying the Jacuzzi with us. We kicked him out. When that night was over, I enjoyed one more day in Hinesville. I really wasn’t in a rush to get back, but the vehicle had to be back. It was like she didn’t realize that I was in trouble after I left her. It was her fault. Time was up. The weekend was over. I was headed back into my town. Before I called it a night, turning the fancy SUV back in, and confessing my faults to Tyrone, I had to go see my girls in Johnston.
I’m sure I went to see Felecia, but we may not have been talking. Whitney and I had met in Johnston while I was riding around that town one day. I grew to like her. Come to find out she was family with Felecia. As soon as Whitney found out that I had talked to Felecia, she was always distance from that day on. Whenever I had the opportunity, I would always stop in to see them both, Felecia first, then Whitney, in that order. That’s how I met them. Felecia was still the first real girlfriend that I had since I was out. The white girl I was talking to while I was in would have been the closest thing to that, but we didn’t really get to socialize much. Me and Felecia were still talking when I met Whitney, and that may have had something to do with me and Felecia not getting close again, on her part. I hadn’t forgotten the situation with Taur, so that’s why I was making an attempt to talk to other girls. I still hadn’t told Felecia that I knew. I was slipping on Johnston being a small town, and ran into two girls that were family.
It had been a while since I had seen them. I found Whitney. We chilled for a moment, long enough for me to show the SUV off. I was going to head back to Grammy’s house before I went to Ga. I had to pass her, and I was tired. I had already gone out of the way going to Johnston. I could have been at Tyrone’s house. I could feel my eyes getting heavy. I let the window down to feel the cool breeze. I actually drifted to sleep and woke back up. Grammy’s house was right down the road. I drifted to sleep again and woke up on the other side of the road, where oncoming traffic could have been. I jerked the SUV back to the right. It had drifted to the left. One of the wheels buckled on the SUV and I was rolling. One, two, three, and I hit a tree. Maybe I was a safe driver then because I had my seatbelt on. While I was spinning, I was hoping I would die, “please die”, as I rolled over and over. I unbuckled my seatbelt and walked away without a scratch. I tried to find my sisters cd, but I couldn’t. She was going to be upset. Tyrone was really going to be upset.
He had my bags packed when I got there. That left Tee and Fosis to fend for themselves. I went to stay with Ma Bug. I had got my last check from Job while I was with Ma Bug. I bought a car from Playa (shout out), moved with my mom and started working at fast food in Ga. I MeM lying on the couch at Ma Bugs after speaking with babyBIRD. I had asked her to marry me. She said when I get the ring she would marry me. That messed with my brain. She said she loved me, but didn’t want to marry me. I lied on the couch and thought about love.
I would put her word to the test again. “Great”, I thought. This is going to be wonderful. I buy a ring, propose, and we will be married. I had gotten past the point of telling her about my past. I was willing to fight for the relationship. If the only thing stopping us was a ring, I was going to get that ring. I worked at the fast food for a while, while staying with my mom. I went to the jewelers and got an expensive ring, as expensive as my credit would allow (bout a stack). It was going to be my only time getting married, so I was willing to work and pay for it. I usually paid my bills and debts. It was usually somebody else that messed my credit up.
I showed the ring off to everybody. I was happy I was about to get married. I planned on going to Hinesville to propose to her, because she was about to go into the Navy. NOWI must not have had her number, or couldn’t get in contact with her.NOW I went and knocked on the door where she stayed with her parents. She had already left. I didn’t know how I had let that happen. NOWI must have been trying to not give her any kind of hint or clue at what I was planning at all.NOW I managed to miss her. I MeM calling her shortly after that to tell her what the plan was. I asked her if she was going to marry me, telling her that I had the ring. She said no. I left the ring with her parents. I told them it was hers. I stopped and talked to them about marrying her, before I mentioned it to her. They were saying things like she wasn’t ready. They weren’t on my side in this. NOWthey could have been the reason for her, “NO” response to me. I think she gave me a reason, but I don’t MeM.NOW I felt bad, but I was free. I was hurt, but I was free. I wasn’t going to let a girl trick me into believing that she loved mem because she told me so, ever again. I knew then that she didn’t love me. I didn’t know what love was yet, but I knew it wasn’t that. I had to look at everybody and tell them that she had said no. NOWthere is a pain that is different when the control of your pain was given to another person. When you are seen as weak because you opened yourself up to another person, it closes you to a lot of things that deal with people. It was worse for me, because I hated to be seen as weak, or not having control. I would never again give a girl that opportunity, in that manner, to make me look weak.NOW
I had to know what love was. There needed to be some clarification. I needed a Uing that was clear. NOWshe really believed she loved me, but didn’t want to marry me.NOW I MeM having conversations with her about the different kind of definitions for love. We disagreed. I started to look on the internet for answers. This was around the time I got to Snoops house. I was on that same spot of the couch at Ma Bugs house and had heard a conversation about love on the radio, and one of the things that stuck with me was someone saying that it was a choice. I never really got down to the bottom of that, but it was in my head. I tried to find out what the actual definition of it was in the dictionary. NOWI don’t MeM the order that I found it out, or even the specifics of what I read in each definition.NOW They said love was a feeling, so I went to find out what a feeling was. I know they say that it was an emotion, so I went to find out what an emotion was. I found no clear definition to either link the two or separate the two. A feeling and an emotion seemed to be the same thing, and love by their definition seemed to be both. Wherever I looked, nothing was clear. I went to my fellow philosophers that I looked up to, such as Socrates, and Plato. I enjoyed reading up on their writings that were in the library. I looked to them to tell me what love was. I didn’t find any of them that gave a definition.
I went to the scriptures in the Bible. I found that whatever it was, I had to have it for everybody. That was my new phrase, “I love everybody”, the poor man, my enemy, and the murderer. I just knew that I couldn’t love one without the other. I found this to be true, because I said I believed in the Bible, and this is what the Bible was saying about love. I didn’t have any debate. I set in my mind that as long as I was saying, that I love everybody, that I was fulfilling the meaning of what I had read.
That phrase wasn’t going to help me in relationships with girls. I Ud that. They would need the use of that word love to be personal towards them. I knew better. I had been hurt by the personalization of the word. I wouldn’t personalize it to anybody. I loved everybody. I then knew that no one that told me they loved me, could love me, if they couldn’t say that they loved everybody.
It wasn’t long before Debra had locked me out, and I was living out of my car. I was still working. I was falling asleep at the grill/making sandwiches. I MeM finding somewhere to park until it was time to work. I slept in the car since it was night time, and left from there to go to work. I didn’t do this long. I wasn’t a big fan of continuously asking for help. I liked to move forward, not go backwards. I asked somebody. NOWI guess that’s how I ended up at Snoops in Conifer.NOW I do MeM working at fast food while I was staying with her. I put in my two weeks.
NOWI should be back at the point I was at in the book, before I went back to talk about babyBIRDs proposal, n stayin with TyroneNOW
One of the girls I met through to visit. She was all over me at work. She was young and wasn’t the most liked, but had an appeal to me. I didn’t want to ruin my face by locking in on her, when none of the other girls really liked her, seeing me a her, or her being a low. She flirted with me though. I never got to pursue her before I ended up quitting. Now here she was. I don’t think either one of us could wait so that we could get it on. It seemed like we both knew what it was going to be. I took her to her house the next morning. I didn’t see her for a while.
About this time, I was back in contact with babyBIRD. She was back from her training and we were back on speaking terms. I wasn’t trying to pick back up where we left off. I didn’t know if doing so was in her mind. NOWshe may have even been married by then. I think I married before her. I think she married before me, which would have thrown me for a loop, something like that, I’ll straighten it laterNOW I was strictly on my single game. The impression of God was on me more than ever but I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t happy. I knew what I had to do to be happy but I wasn’t ready.
Now when I got on the chat line, I got on to just try and be someone that the females could talk to. I wanted somebody to talk to anyway, and wanted to find pleasure in helping anyone if they accepted it. I wasn’t looking for a girl to do anything with. I couldn’t be disappointed that way. My greeting was to talk to you, and to help you out with any questions you may have about anything. I felt I knew it all by this point. I had my little definition/Uing of love that I was teaching people to U, along with everything I already knew. I had even figured out at this point in my life, how to make a marriage work, how to start if off properly so that it will work. I had mastered the proper way of working towards that, taking form the song, “and if I ever fall in love again, I will be sure that the ladies a friend”. I made up in my mind that I wasn’t going to do anymore girlfriends. I would have sex with a girl, but not if that title had to come with it. I really could care less about sex at this point. My brain had been thrown by everything that I thought would work in me being real in my relationships, and still managing to fail. I had to reset my thinking, and in that process I was learning from my mistakes. I didn’t have time to chase sex. I was too busy trying to figure out how to avoid all the fake shit. I was so broken by getting that close to marriage, you can say I got married and had a divorce. That’s where my head was at. I was in help mode to the fullest. It was what made me happy.
NOWwith my new heart break and newly found peace of mind, due to my change of thinking because of the heart break, along came the start of the Message of Love. I hadn’t realized then what was forming, but once I Ud it to be different than what I was taught, I was happy to ruin everyone else’s Uing of it just on GP.NOW I hated to hear a person say I love you, or tell me somebody loved them, speaking as if it really meant something to them that they were told that by somebody, like their relationship was special because they were throwing the love word around. Every chance I got, I broke it down, explained, and questioned every individual. I did that so much, that my speech on that topic was mastered. I tried my best to take away the power that saying I love you to someone gave you over them. If I could get them to not say, “I love you” without expressing that they loved everyone, that is what I would have done. It wouldn’t mean anything special to a person to hear you say that you loved them, because they know that you love everybody, and not one more than the other.
In my brain, I loved everybody. Easily said, but I knew just what I was saying, that I care equally for everyone, and held no more value over one person’s life than the next, fine girl or not, mama, or stranger. If I could U that, I figured so could everyone else that believed in God and his son, because that is where I got it from.
The first person I MeM breaking it down to was Tee. He was always my little follower. I was able to get him to believe the things I’d say, and they made sense to him. He had his girls that he was talking to. He would call me and get me to explain it to them. We were actually making progress with the girls we were explaining it to. It was girls because that’s who we dealt with most, him more than me. We weren’t just out to preach it, but everybody we spoke with in life, me and him being away from each other, we challenged them to think of it the way we Ud it. He didn’t lock it in like I did. There was always somebody who might tie him up a little, and he would call me. I had actually began to speak to people about it so much, that when he called, I started to wonder, “what am I wasting my breath for this time”? NOWI wasn’t a preacher, I was telling people that I wasn’t a preacher. I’m sure I hadn’t realized the importance of what I was saying, not to the point that I do now, or did I U, and just not care to tell everyone all the time(retor)NOW
Whether babyBIRD was married or not, my brain was on some other shit. I was set and focused. I wasn’t letting her back in. I wasn’t letting anybody in, or anybody new in. NOWsurprises ran my life, because of my misUing and innocence of heart. I was always subject to surprises. I was either getting into something with no Uing of the consequences, or was putting myself out there as a help to the world, believing that only positive things could come from it. I always tried to do right by people, even those who others felt weren’t worth it. Somewhere down the road of my life, the value of people was instilled in me. I cared beyond my control. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to care. I just needed to learn that caring could weaken you, and to be careful how you exert yourself, because I was only “human”.NOW
I was back on the phone, back on the chat line, back to my usual routine. I was on the prowl, looking for someone to talk to with a problem. This girl either hit me up because my greeting was fitting for her, or I hit her up because her greeting had something sad on it. My greeting was spoken to reach out to talk. I wasn’t on there looking for girls, so I only spoke on greetings where there was some kind of opening that I could use to spark a conversation. I used to say something because of the speech a girl posted, or because her voice made me want to get to know what she looked like. This time around I could care less.
If I said something first, I wasn’t trying to get at her. We started to talk. I found that her and her boyfriend had broken up, or they were having problems. I talked to her and coached her through the issue. I’m sure I shared with her my present or recent issues as well. Our lives were running on harsh times, at the proper time. I needed to help somebody, and she needed help. She couldn’t help me with any issue. I had been through everything she was going through. She was 18 at the time. I’m sure I was 21. We had even gotten so close, that she told me about her getting raped when she was younger. She even told me there was a time that she was kidnapped by some people dressed as clowns. NOWsomehow she got back to her house, I can’t MeM.NOW I could only think to myself, “this girl has had it bad, luckily she has someone like me to care for her and be there for her”. I just wanted to make her feel better about herself.
We got along so well, that the thought of being with her passed through my head. We were excellent friends. We didn’t have any problems. I had already sensed that she liked me, why wouldn’t she?(retor) I changed her life. I made her happy, plus, the picture of me that I sent, showed her a tall, cute, brown skinned nigga with abs. I didn’t have any doubt that she would want me. The picture she sent me wasn’t clear. It led me to believe that there was a reason for that. Her picture wasn’t even one of her at the present time. I wasn’t trying to show that I might have been interested, or make it seem that her appearance mattered. She already had enough problems. By the time I started to think that we could be together, I weighed my options, thinking about her picture, saying to myself, “she can’t be that bad”. I was thinking,”how bad could she have gotten since the picture? I could deal with that if it came to it”. I wasn’t going to turn away a friend because of her looks.
When I started to sense that she liked me, I told her, “as long as you don’t start to like me, we will be alright”. I knew my complications. I also knew that if she liked me, that I could have her. I really hoped that she didn’t like me, and I tried to keep her from expressing it. I was all for helping, but on the other kind of note, she wasn’t really my type. She was my friend though. I cared about her. I loved her as I did everyone else. I had explained to her that I don’t do boyfriend and girlfriend, and that I had come to see those as titles that were used to lock a person down without commitment, when you really were just “fuck friends”. There was no engagement process. You either want to marry me, and you will right now, or you don’t want to marry me. If you do want to marry a person that you are married by your word, no ring was necss. I explained a lot of my thinking to her. I could be as truthful as possible, because we were friends. I wasn’t trying to win her heart. I could care less about us getting together. I enjoyed our friendship.
Over time (not long) maybe 3 months, I began to really like her. I believed her to be a nice girl, and she needed me. I believed that I could be everything that she needed. I just wanted to make her happy. By me believing that she was kind and had a nice heart, along with how well we got along, I started to really believe that she would be a girl that I would enjoy having as my wife. Plus, she was my friend, and I knew she liked me. She had mentioned that she liked me in our talking. I pulled it out of her. There was this one problem. I hadn’t told her everything about me.
I asked her,“what could I tell her about me, that would change her mind about how she felt about me”? She said, “nothing”. Her being raped, kind of made me hesitate to mention my offenses to her. I didn’t want to slow, or hinder the smooth process that was in play. I did tell her that I had some stuff to tell her, but if it wouldn’t change anything, I would tell her later. I wanted to tell her face to face. If I had that opportunity, at that moment, I would have told her. I truly wanted it to be face to face. I tried to make sure that she knew how important it was. I made sure that she was okay with waiting, and asked her again, “if she was sure that nothing I told her could change the way she felt about me”? I believed her. She sounded sure.
I knew that the way I knew to go about getting a perfect marriage had been flawed when she told me she liked me. I had gone away from the order of things. She had ruined our friendship with her lust. NOWI should have never sent her that picture. I should have told her, “I was 300 pounds, out of shape, and crunchy black, but I was back in the gym”. I wish with all my heart that I wouldn’t have had the nerve to want to show off the day I sent that picture.NOW Even though I knew that the process I had figured in my heart to bring about the perfect marriage had been flawed, I chose to pursue. I felt like I could teach her along the way, plus I was Kew. I could change anybody. I knew so much. My marriage could never fail. I always believed that when I got married, that it would never fail. I looked at everyone else and wondered why they couldn’t make it work. I was going to make my marriage work, so I gave in. It felt wrong to push my friend off to the side, and go marry someone else, when I knew the whole time that she liked me. I figured we might as well go ahead and get married, because I wasn’t going to do her like that, and she wasn’t going to stop liking me. It would have made her feel bad if I didn’t accept her. I wanted to help her, not hurt her. I was going to be the man of her dreams. I was going to be there for her forever. I told her by the time I asked her, she was going to have to be ready, if not, I wasn’t going to ask her again. I told her that we would also have to give our life to God if we agreed to get married, and that we would be as I stated before, married by word and not paper. We would be a man and a woman of God. She already knew that I didn’t say I love you, so she would be marrying into that.
I chose to give my life to God on the day that I asked her to marry me. When she said yes, she made that decision as well. I didn’t do it before. I did it when she said yes. I had played with my life, my whole life. I was cool with that. I would have done it forever and been fine with it. I figured if I wouldn’t have given my life to God after she said yes, there wouldn’t have been anything to hold me to my word. I would have been capable of violating her. The only way I saw that I would be loyal to her, was if I was bound by something bigger than us. I would always play with my life, because I never valued it. I would never play with anyone else’s life. I wasn’t going to play with hers. Marriage was Ear without God. I chose to give my life to God for her, so that I could be the man she needed. I gave up my freedom to help her. Helping her, came with some up sides for me, but I ultimately gave my life to God for her.
When I called her, asked her, and explained everything to her, she agreed. OVER THE PHONE, MEETING BY WAY OF CHATLINE, IN ABOUT 3 MONTHS TIME, I HAD MARRIED NINA LASHAY PEPPERS. It wouldn’t be long and she was on her way to basic training. I had overlooked a lot of things, not much really, but one thing was too many. I overlooked these things so that I could continue in offering myself to her as a help, and so that I wouldn’t kick her to the curb. The first thing was the first lie that I was told by her. She had lied about being 18. I thought she was 18, because it was the minimum age requirement in order to be on the chat line, not MeMing the 14 yr old that was on when me and Tee was on. At first it really didn’t matter how old she was anyway, which is why I must not have been focused on her age, and trying to find out if she may have been lying. I was just talking to her. She had told me she was 18, after all the talking we had done, I didn’t expect that to be a lie. She told me later on that she was only 17. We were already well into our friendship then. By this time we were already close. I didn’t want to end our relationship because of her age. Age to me, was nothing but a number in this situation, we were just talking, and I figured 21 and 17 year olds could talk.
No one was on my level at this time. Grown people were stupid. I figured it would be easier to teach her, because of her age. She hadn’t been filled with a bunch of information over the years, like someone older, information that could distort her thinking.
We were married now. NOWdont’ know if she had turned 18 yetNOW I explained to her that she would have to let me control (sound bad) her for a time, in order to teach her, and that she would have to do whatever I said, trusting me, until I taught her everything I knew. She agreed. NOWI’m sure I told her this as a requirement in our marriage. I don’t think I would have waited to throw that on her.NOW I already knew I was going to have to teach her, and that if she didn’t trust me, we didn’t have anything. I told her everything. She would have to do everything I told her in order to prove to me that she trusted me, and then she would earn my trust. She agreed. I knew that when I told her that we were married that I meant it, and that I was all in. I needed to be able to trust her, and the only way I found to do that was to know that she trusted me.
Everything I had told her in life or dealing with the scriptures, she Ud. We talked about things, and we always saw eye to eye. She was going to basic training and I wouldn’t get to see her for a while. I wrote her, keeping in contact with her, as I battled with the fact that, my wife, in our time of bonding, was away from me. I needed all the time I could get, so that I could be comfortable in the marriage, making sure everything was Ud. I still hadn’t told her everything about me. If it were up to me, she would have never gone into the army, because by what I Ud, the army wasn’t of God. I didn’t want my wife to be a part of it. She represented me. I wasn’t going to ask that much of her. Her going was already in play before she met me. I held back on the strong hand, so that I could prolong the peace in our marriage, but I had every right, given to me by her, to tell her not to go. She had given me authority to tell her what to do. I could have tested it at that moment. I chose not to. NOWI don’t think I really believed that she had given the control that she said she did.NOW I sensed if I told her not to go, that there would have been a problem, but things that were an issue, that were in play before me, I was letting fly.
NOWThere are some letters that we wrote each other while we were apart, I’m going to hold those until I publish. So just Mem that that brief share of our conversation while we were away from each other, is left out for now. What I’m leaving out right now, may give a little more to you Uing our relationship, but not as much so to the Message. I figured as long as it’s in the final draft, yall will be aight.NOW
When she came back from basic, she wanted to go to school in Florida somewhere. I wasn’t with it because I needed my time with her. I wasn’t going to stop her from going to school. We were just going to have to take the risk of us both moving there. We weren’t legally married yet. She needed her moms’ signature for financial aid or something. By this time, me and her mom had issues, and since she was with me, her mom wouldn’t sign for her to be able to go to school. I wasn’t the one who stopped her from going to school. I had buckled again and was going to let school slide even though I felt there were more important things that needed to be focused on first.
Me and my wife were not saying, “I love you” anymore. We had made it to that point. We weren’t just not saying it to each other. I had applied my control and asked her to not say it to anyone at all, along with explaining to her why we shouldn’t. After saying it to somebody, I felt like you would constantly have to reiterate to them, “I love everybody”, so that they wouldn’t take the phrase personal, then depending on who she was saying this to, it could turn into a whole other issue. So it would sound like this, “I love you, but I love everybody”. The, “I love everybody” statement cancelled out whatever meaning the,“I love you” statement might have had, and if you have to explain that to somebody, it might start to sound like you are telling them that you don’t love them. I didn’t want her to have to explain that. I didn’t think we had to, mostly I felt that she wouldn’t, and would therefore be stuck in misleading whoever she was saying it to, so that she wouldn’t come off as being rude. NOWI think it was the saying I love you thing that started the issue between me and her mom, I think there was other stuff her mom had a problem withNOW I had told Nina to stop telling people she loved them, because she kept saying it to her mom. That’s the only person I kept hearing her say it to, but she wasn’t explaining anything, just going along with the norm. It wasn’t going to kill anybody if she continued to say it, but again, she was representing me. I wanted to enlighten people, and be as honest with them as possible. I felt that this was an important thing to change.
I wanted to resolve the conflict between me and her mom. I wasn’t going to sacrifice what I Ud to be right, just to please her mom though. I wanted her to leave us alone. I wanted her to U what was going on. I wasn’t prepared for her influence. I never imagined this problem. I thought I just had to deal with my wife. I wanted her mom to see that she wasn’t confident in her work as a parent, because if she was, she would have left her to make her own decisions. She would have trusted that her parenting would hold up throughout our relationship, and that her daughters’ decision to marry me was the right decision, because she taught her well. I tried to explain to her mom that my intentions were well. I guess she took the letter the wrong way. It was a peace letter. She found a way to make it seem as if I was trying to discredit/disrespect her. I was just telling the truth, she didn’t raise her right. NOWmost parents haven’t raised their child right, but wont admit itNOW
I had gone to one of her army events. I took Bo K with me. That was my lil nigga, my first nephew. Snoop let me hold her SUV. I hadn’t married Nina before I knew I was going to see her. When I knew I was going to see her, I went on ahead and asked her what I had planned on holding out on. I asked her to marry me, because I wanted us to be married before we had sex. I wanted to have given her my life, before I took from her. I wanted us to share in that moment the right way. I knew I wasn’t going to get around her and not have sex with her, so I asked her to marry me. We were married before we ever met. (by our words)
NOWI’m thinking that this is before she left to go to basic….I don’t know……I think so though.NOW When I first met her, compared to her pictures that she had sent me after we had married each other, while we were still apart, which I was disappointed in, I was content with her appearance. She looked better than she did in those pictures, which were her prom pictures. Those were the only recent pictures I had seen of her aside from the first one she had sent that was old. When I saw the prom pictures, I was highly disappointed. I waited for those pictures like a DNA test, nervously, because I had already chosen to marry her, and I was going to be stuck with her, regardless of what she looked like. I was just going to have to get over it. That was my friend I was thinking about.
She was fat to me, she was a big girl. I felt like I had been lied to and played. She knew she was out of shape. I knew what the first picture was all about then. I studied the picture, looking for all the flaws I could find. She was too dark. I didn’t like dark. She had bulgy arms and a “pudge”. Her toes were falling out of her heels (or whatever she was wearing). I thought to myself, “this is my wife”. I asked myself if I could deal with it. I could. She wasn’t the bad bitch I would have held out for, but she could have been worse. She was my friend, and it wasn’t like she was a totally busted female. I accepted her flaws. They were no longer an issue to me. From that day when I picked out every flaw, I accepted my wife for everything I had married her for before I saw those pictures. I was happy with her.
I wasn’t going to just let her stay out of shape. As long as she applied effort to bettering herself, I was fine. When I saw her in person for the first time, she was already better than what I saw in those pictures. This was extra. What I was content and happy with already, had already taken a positive step. I had no worries, and no problems with her appearance, but she always thought I did. That was her issue.
When we got to our room, Bo K wouldn’t go to sleep. I regretted bringing that little nigga when it was time for hanky panky. We had a fancy room with two beds. We put him in one, turned on the cartoons and cut the lights off. We were up under the covers, quiet, with as little motion as possible. NOWbeing young and not having much patience, I made that decision, but it isn’t recommended. I should have at least waited until he went to sleep. The smart thing is not even to wait till they are sleep, because people wake up, and then you don’t know if they are just lying there listening, most definitely kids, so that was a total error on my part. It wasn’t that important to have sex. It never will beNOW I was supposed to be telling Nine (gave her a nickname) all my secretes first, not sexing. We weren’t going to be around each other long, and I didn’t want to ruin the little day we had. We used condoms so that we would prevent a pregnancy that might hinder her basic training. Other than that, I was married, condoms were old news. I only had that one day with her, and then me and Bo K were off to where we had come from.
My life was great. I was in school, possibly able to pursue a career in B Ball. I was married to a girl that was Uing me. I found purpose in being there for her. I had my little rugrat nieces and nephewSS, Ja Ko was just born!! I had a little money in my pocket from student loans. I was holding on to that tight, using it on an as needed basis. I was a man of God. I had one problem. Nines’ mom wouldn’t leave us alone. To her I was brainwashing Nine. Every chance she had to cause confusion or separate us, she acted on, leaving this girl to make the tough decision of leaving her mother alone completely in order to be with me. I was pressing the issue. There was only negativity coming from her. I felt like I was in a relationship with her mom now. I was no longer in a relationship with my wife, there were too many variables.
Nine would tell her the things that we talked about, but wouldn’t have the full Uing of it, leaving her without the capability to explain it as confidently as I would have been able to (female Tee). Her mom was tearing down everything we built by causing confusion, and by leaving her to choose mother over husband. I never assumed this to be a possible issue. I wasn’t prepared for this war. I fought it the best way I knew how, but I was losing.
Me and Nine were starting to disagree. I was frustrated, because she was showing herself as a liar to me. She told me she would do everything I asked her, and I hadn’t asked her to do anything difficult yet, just to make, what seemed to be simple decisions, for our sake. I always had to deal with her complaining about something. It seemed I had to push her and persuade her, rather than her trusting me like she said she did. I told her,”the day she became a liar to me, I wouldn’t feel bad about being a liar to her”/ taking my word back as far as our marriage went. We were on a fast track towards that. She was on and off. She would do everything that had a slight benefit to her, and fight with me about the things that she didn’t really U, because there was no immediate benefit to her. She didn’t trust me. She had lied and that was becoming evident. I was just so humble then. I was humble to the max. I was really perfecting myself. I was learning so much from the scriptures, and was just so happy that I had my wife to grow with, as well as having her to share my findings with. I didn’t want my lack of humility to be our ruin. I sucked everything up. I held it in. I was built for that. I could only see our success, not our failure.
I was willing to submit to her, just to show her how much I wanted us to be happy. I was only behaving as I was because somebody had to lead. I wasn’t just getting kicks out of putting her through the things that I was. They were necss for both of us to succeed.
I talked with her, and offered a truce. Maybe we made a mistake. We didn’t U what we were getting ourselves into, or what would be required of us. I said us, but didn’t feel like I was the problem. She may not have really been able to U what she was getting into, mainly because I was learning new things often and was applying them to our life style. I was not the same person that she married. I wasn’t changing for the worst though. I was growing. She didn’t know that this was the way it was going to be before she said yes. I offered her a way out, no hard feelings. We could go back to the way we were. By this time we were still only married by word. Being married by word was all that mattered to me. NOWIt would have been less drama if we would have gotten out before we signed those papers.NOW We really weren’t even that far into our commitment. I wanted badly for her to take the way out that I had put on the table. I tried to get her to give up, me giving up would have seemed harsh on my part. I still wasn’t ready to hurt her.
I knew at that moment of me offering the out, that in choosing to disobey what I had come to U being the perfect way to go about getting married, I had seriously set us up. I set her up to be pressed by things that she had no idea could ever be asked of her. I didn’t know either, but she wasn’t built like me. She was crumbling. I still hadn’t told her everything about me. I tried my best to let her know that it was alright, that I Ud if she wanted to call it off. She chose to stay. NOWshe didn’t want to give me up. She still didn’t know me. She liked my potential as all women did and do. I violated in not making sure she knew everythingNOW
I explained to her that one of us had to lead. I was so willing to make it work, that I was willing to submit to her. I was honestly willing to submit, but I knew that she had nothing to teach, so really, I was willing to waste my time submitting to her, doing whatever she asked me to do, if it would show her that she had nothing to teach me, and she didn’t have anything for me to submit to her for. My submitting to her would not be for our growth, but so that she wouldn’t have to grow. In the time that I was submitting to her, I wouldn’t be teaching her anything, meaning that she would just get to relax and not have to worry about elevation.
She chose to lead me. I accepted. I asked her questions now. I rarely spoke. I did what she said, not that she really had anything for me to do. It was like I was begging her to teach me something, or to take control. She didn’t want to lead, and didn’t want to be lead.
She thought I was making a game of it, that I wasn’t being myself. She would say, “I want you to act like you”. If I was to act like me, I would be leading my wife. In order for me to submit to her, the character that she liked about me so much, had to die. I had to become nobody. I had to let her rebuild me. Because I wasn’t acting like I used to, she felt like I wasn’t being fair in my submitting. I lost either way. I wasn’t playing, though it was hard to act like I didn’t know anything. I was really submitting to her. She could have told me to do anything. I would have done it. The only thing she wanted me to do was be myself, while acting like I didn’t know/U anything. In order for me to do that, she would have to teach me how. It would defeat the purpose of me submitting to her, if I taught myself to do what she wanted me to do. I would be bailing her out. I knew how to act how she wanted me to act, but if I had done that. I wouldn’t be being submissive, I would be being me. If I were going to have to be me then I couldn’t be me, knowing better than listening to my wife over God. If I was going to submit, I had to act like I was ignorant to the things that I knew. There was no way I could let her make me talk myself out of doing what I believed God wanted me to do. NOWI might as well had been SamsonNOW She made a comment telling me that I sounded like her. I wanted her to see herself in my downgrade. Eventually she chose to end that segment of our marriage and continue on in allowing me to lead her.
I gave her a chance. If this wasn’t what she wanted, now that she Ud what was required, she could have left me then, no hard feelings. There was something she saw that made her stay. I hoped it was for the right reason. I hoped we Ud each other.
If she would just listen to me, even several things without complaint, I would have trusted her, and my testing would have been done. Just one time without questioning me when I asked her to do something that would have required her to not be selfish and I would have stopped. I didn’t want to keep testing, but she wasn’t passing. I wanted to enjoy my marriage, but I didn’t want to be enjoying a lie.
I went to see her one more time in drill before she got out. Alone this time, NOWBo K be tripping.NOW She was in Virginia NOWlong rideNOW She had called and told me about some J’s she was going to get me, but I was a saving man. I really liked J’s. I noticed that she was reckless in her spending. With us just getting together, and having reached our point of disagreements, I was hesitant to speak on anything, most definitely not money. I threw a hint or two here or there. I weighed the cost and took the trip. I didn’t want to go. It was going to cost.
I was happy to see her. I was prepared to talk to her, but I was more concerned with ruining the two days that I had with her. I waited again. NOWI could have planned on telling her on the second day, but I doubt itNOW She got in trouble for coming back late on the first day. She either couldn’t come off and couldn’t have a visit, or just couldn’t leave off post. That would limit our privacy, and the time I need to set the mood for the things I had to tell her.
On the first day I saw her when I went to Virginia, she looked better than the time when I first met her, and better than the pictures I saw of her that she had sent me on “DEMON”= her cell phone. I was satisfied all over again. My baby was growing up into a fine young lady, and was learning well also. NOW not fine as in Major Actress fine, but attractive person and personality fine. There was a complete way of thinking I had to change when it came to physical appearance and beauty, when the way I had grown to know beauty, was not what I had chosen as my wife. There is an everyday resetting of your thinking. It is not nice that a woman has to go through that. I’m sure they can sense the side of you that you are fighting against. We are raised to believe that things matter that do not. We have to learn that there is no physical comparison. There is no A or F, physically. () We are equal. I had high standards for the type of female I wanted to marry. If I would have held to that, I may not have gotten married. I say again, I was truly content with my wifeNOW
We made our way to the hotel after eating and shopping, then the fun began. I wasn’t able to be wild with Bo K around. I was married now, so I could break my vow of not eating a girl out unless I was married. I was about to go in. I asked her if I could wash her. I didn’t know her like that. I wanted everything clean. We were still using condoms, not my choice. I was ready for babies. I was ready for everything.
I went downstairs, and every time I would be about to get into it, pressing hard with my tongue, there was a real strong tang that hit my tongue, stopping me from keeping my tongue in that spot. I would work around, go back to the spot, and it would hit me again. Every time I would apply pressure, it was like two magnets that weren’t supposed to be touching, and I would get shocked. I never experienced that before. I didn’t tell her about it. There wasn’t an odor, just that sting on my tongue. I was tired of that happening, so I moved on to the sex part.
Before we begin with the sex part, she was trying on some lingerie that I bought her. She was insecure about her body. I didn’t get it. We were married. We had sex already. What was I going to do, leave her for a couple of stretch marks or something?(retor) She looked fine as I watched her try the stuff on. She was mines. I lied with her after we were done toying around with each other. Somehow I got a hold to her phone. I wasn’t looking for anything. I just wanted to ramble through it because it was a nice phone. NOWfor the time that we were inNOW I wanted to ramble through the pictures and things. NOWI never even thought that I would find anything. I didn’t know what I was supposed to be looking for.NOW I hadn’t been in many relationships. In the ones that I was in, phones were not an issue. Right now, as a married man, I was finding that it was about to become one. She started acting weird, telling me to give it back. I was confused. I didn’t see what the problem was. What was hers was mines, and mines was hers. I didn’t have a cell phone at the time. Then she said the killer phrase, “it’s mines”. I was casually asking her why, because by now, I could see all over her face, and in her demeanor that she had something to hide.
She tried to get it away from me, but by this time I had to see what was in it. All the time before she was acting like it wasn’t a big deal, now she had exposed her hand. NOWshe was really wrestling me to get it back.NOW I wasn’t going to let her get it. She was in full force. I didn’t want to be too aggressive. She got it from me one time. I had to use my man power to get it back. I didn’t mean to let her get it, but she was just going too hard. I wasn’t angered or anything, but I had to see what was on the phone. I got the phone and ran outside in my boxers. I looked through everything I knew to look through, but I didn’t find anything worth hiding. I figured that maybe she was just pulling a power trip and wanted the “DEMON” back. Either way, her actions were against our agreement.
I asked her to let me see it. She could have cooperated easily. NOWshe didn’t trust me to be UingNOW She told me later on that day that there was a picture of a boys’ dick that she forgot to erase. NOWI’m assuming she must have MeMd after I picked the phone up. The question would be, when was the picture taken, before or after we got married. I didn’t make it that big of a deal. JUSTNOW like RIGHTNOW. I don’t MeM her having that phone before she went in the army. She had gotten that phone with money from the army, we were married by commitment before then.WOWNOW
Back then I was really positive in my thinking. I didn’t chase things that were drama. I forgave whatever the confusion was, and kept on moving. I took people at their word.
I finished with my time visiting my wife, and was headed back to NA to continue my life until she got out of drill or whatever she was in.
Before or after the first time I went to see Nine, but after we were married, the fast food girl that came to Snoops’ house came over again. The situation was not the same this time. I was neither married, nor was I a man of God when she saw me last and we had sex. She assumed that the same things would go on as before. I told her I was a man of God now. I didn’t mention to her that I was married, because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. I knew she liked me. I didn’t want to seem like I was rubbing it in her face. I didn’t want that to be her focus. The most important thing was that I had given my life to God, and I wasn’t sinning anymore. I wasn’t having sex any more, etc.
I really liked the girl. I was comfortable around her. She was confident, or at least she seemed to be, in her being comfortable around me, sexually and when we were just around each other. After we settled what kind of relationship we were going to have from now on, we relaxed. I asked her if she could take my hair out. She agreed. NOWif she wasn’t taking it out, she was doing something to it, imma go with taking it out.NOW
She was my kind of girl, yellow, cute, she kind of favored a giraffe, and had a forehead, but she was cute. Her body was nice. She had just taken a shower and was walking around in some tiny shorts, and a tiny shirt. I was up against some serious forces. I wanted her, but my commitment to God and to my wife was in my head, as well as the taking advantage of the girls’ feelings. I wasn’t going to leave my marriage for her. I didn’t want to hurt my wife. NOWthis must have taken place before the incident with the phone(humor)NOW
I wasn’t scared of God. I was more concerned with my wife, and failing as a man of God. I MeM sitting between her legs, but it wasn’t easy for her to do my hair that way. She ended up standing over me. Everything was in my face. Her tits, pussy, and legs all right there. I’m thinking about her the whole time. I’m hanging in there. She said she was getting tired. She asked if she could get in another position. I agreed to her sitting in my lap. I was acting as if she wasn’t fazing me at all. NOWhead dropsNOW I knew something about it wasn’t right. She needed a more comfortable position, and the best one was on my lap?(retor) I sat on the floor and she sat facing me. This was when I realized that she was really about to try and turn me on. I was still acting as if I was straight, trying to keep the vibe mellow, keeping her thinking that I was unaware of her attempts to start something. She continued doing my hair, then came the bouncing. The hair doing pretty much stopped and it was full blown, “get at Kew time”. By this time, I figured it had gone too far. I tried to move her off of me. I tried to get her off of me, but she was fighting against my every move. I was strong enough to get away, but that meant being overly aggressive toward a girl that was not my wife. I Ud what she was going through. I didn’t want to make the situation worse for her, plus, after whatever happened, we were still going to be in the house together. She put up an amount of force, to where if I was to get away, it would have meant me grabbing her in a way that wasn’t respectful to her. It’s hard to explain, but I didn’t want to hurt her feelings or disrespect her.
I was hoping that she went on ahead and done what she wanted to do. I had done my part. I didn’t half try, just so I could stay in the position where she would be able to do something to me. That wasn’t my intent. My flesh wanted it to happen. I wanted to happen. More than I wanted it to happen, I didn’t want it to happen. She reached her hands in my pants and pulled my “man” out, which was slightly or fully up and ready. She asked me what I would do if she sucked it. My final response to her, was, “you can have my body, but you can’t have my spirit”. I made that my last response, because I figured if she wanted me, she was going to have me, unless I made a quick aggressive move to get away. I just couldn’t see myself doing that from the position I was in. By saying what I said, to me, I was no longer fighting the battle. I was on the floor. I laid my head back on the futon that I was leaning up against, closed my eyes, and hoped for the best. She put my man away and got up. I still felt as if I left her feeling awkward, which hurt my feelings. I was free. I MeM going straight to the bathroom, leaning over the sink, and taking a deep breath.
Earlier that day, she mentioned to me that she had something bad to tell me. I told her, whatever it was, it didn’t matter, I was going to look at her the same. It had to do with her having a disease, and we had sex before. NOWtill this day I don’t know what it wasNOW I was telling her, whatever it was, It didn’t matter, I wasn’t upset, and I didn’t care. If she wanted to tell me, she could. I didn’t want her to feel bad about it, whatever it was was done.
If she did give me something, it wasn’t her fault. It was my choice to have sex with her. Nine might not like that info, but being a man of God, I didn’t worry. I was happy with whatever my state was, and whatever I would find it to be. Best believe the whole time she was tempting me, and I thought we was about to have sex, I was thinking about it, because she had told me while we was out, before we got back to the house. There weren’t any condoms around that I knew of. I was saying to myself, “she is really about to have sex with me and give me what she has. I said,“oh well and laid my head back, even with that in mind. I believed that I was handling the situation properly. I trusted in what I believed I had grown to U through the Holy Spirit.
Later that night I was thinking, “I haven’t ever taken the time to see what a pussy really looked like up close. I pondered my thoughts. It was going to be some time before I would be able to see Nine again, so I asked the girl if I could look at her. NOWsmirkinNOW I honestly just wanted to examine one and see what it looked like. I had the perfect opportunity, so I used it. I didn’t do any digging. I did my pulling and opening. I was content with my findings. I was cool, but it wasn’t all that. I thought it would be more to look at. I thought it was going to more to it. It seemed pretty simple. After I was done, we laid next to each other and went to sleep. NOWI saw her recently, and at other times in my life. I wanted her back then. I would have taken her, but I was married, and she smoked. I’ll take her today. I get a feeling about her and I know she needs help. I shouldn’t even base my decisions off the signs I see that are bad and evident. A person who smokes, might be willing to maintain their loyalty before a person who doesn’t smoke, and quitting smoking may be easier for them than the underline problem that I didn’t see in another girl. In my opinion, this fast food girl seemed to be loyal to me. Maybe I picked the wrong oneNOW
Since Nines’ mom didn’t want to sign the papers for her to go to school, we were going to pursue life and focus on us. I had to beg her to come with me before going to see her peoples when she came back. Eventually she agreed. The hesitation wasn’t in line with our agreement. She wanted to please everybody but me. We agreed that since she came straight to SC, that we would go to her familys’ house for thanksgiving.
We got legally married a.s.a.p., so that we could handle paperwork on our own. If it wasn’t for that, or for financial benefit reasons, we would have never gotten married legally. We got our rings and went to a preacher under a gazebo. We were legally married. It didn’t make any difference to me.
Since we were at Snoops’ house, and had time now to settle in, I told her my whole sexual history. It was the only history that was going to make a difference in how she felt about me. I could tell her the other stuff at any time. I laid on her while she was sitting on the couch and told her to get something to write with. I was going to get her to keep record of it for herself. I was telling her other things also, in line with the history, so that she could study it and ask questions if she wanted.
It was done. I had finalized my exposure of all my insecurities. She now knew that I was flawed, and she had them on paper. She didn’t have any reason to think that I judged her for any of her flaws. NOWrecently I found that exposing my flaws may not do anything that I thought they would. My intentions were to show that I wasn’t perfect. Most people that come into contact with, look at my appearance. They see the finished product and I shine to them. The flawlessness they see, blinds them to what it took for me to become who I am today, blinding them to me ever even being flawed. Their minds are so taken by me, that the exposure of my past shocks them. The shock prevents them from being able to focus, and I immediately become the guy from the past, when I was never that “guy” in the past, I was that kid in the past. At most I was that teenager in the past. Now, my reason for exposure, which was to belittle myself in front of them, becomes their strength. They use the info against me, while uplifting themselves. This happens when I show my glory too long, before exposing my flaws. Being who I am, able to do what I can do, I become a product of their misled judgment, before they even try to U who I am at heart and what my intentions are for their life. They never knew either one.
It is my fault, because I hold power in both areas, to give life and to injure it. In whichever lifestyle I choose to live I will show of life, because who I am is so powerful. It fools the untrained eye. It is not my will to fool, because I always try to express my intentions. I’m bound by my Uing of knowledge, to be honest in areas.NOW
I had stopped school for some reason. I was upset about having to, but something had me pressed, and I chose to opt out. Me and Nine was planning on finding a place to stay. It was a full house in the apartment now. It was time for me to man up, go get a job, and take care of my wife, as well as prepare to build a family. Before we made that move, we were headed to her peoples’ house in Clemson for thanksgiving.
Along the way to Clemson, I saw a hand go up on the side of the highway. I was great for assisting people who seemed they had no one else and at the time I was their only hope. I lived for it. I looked behind us to see if I was going to be able to slow and pull over. The highway wasn’t that busy. I pulled over and picked the man up. Fred looked “bummy”. We talked as I drove. I told him where we were going. He was talking as if he didn’t have a place to go, or a place to be for thanksgiving. I invited him to come with us. Nine wasn’t with me on this one. It bothered her, which of course bothered me. I told her, if he couldn’t come, neither could I. I told her to call her people and ask if it was going to be alright. I was thinking them to be Christian folks, by all the disputes we’d had. They spoke as if they were. I couldn’t come up with a reason why it could, or would be a problem. If he couldn’t come, then I wasn’t invited. Me and him would have just done something while she visited her family. We continued on driving. She didn’t call
I was looking forward to bringing a guest, and seeing their response. I didn’t bring him for that reason. That would have just been extra. I liked to expose everything fake. We stopped by fast food and got him something to eat. He didn’t order much, and didn’t eat much. He seemed humbled by us being nice to him. It was dark when we picked him up. We stopped along the way and got a room. He washed and slept in the room with us. I gave him some clean underclothes. In the morning we stopped at fast food before we rode off to Clemson. This time he didn’t want anything to eat. NOWI had seen my mom feed people in need and take her time with them. I wasn’t a stranger to kindness. I Mem feeling sorry for poor people I would see in NYNOW Something was bothering him. I left him to sit there while we ordered. By the time I turned around, he was gone. He went to walk in traffic. The police said that he did this all the time. They wouldn’t let him come back with me. He was already in their car and wasn’t talking much. I was sad that he wouldn’t talk to me. He had told me while we were driving that he didn’t have any nice shoes. I told the officers to give him my only pair of j’s that I had. I really liked those J’s, J’s period, but I wanted to give him hope and a sense that somebody cared. I gave him an outfit or underclothes for when he got where he was going. I had to make sure he had something to wear with those J’s. NOWI wonder if he still has themNOW. I took care of my clothes and shoes. I valued the things that I did get, most definitely at this point in life, because I wasn’t able to do with my money as I wanted, and didn’t know when I was going to get another pair of nice sneakers. Of course I didn’t value these things more than I valued what they could do for him. His toes were just bad. You could tell he had been through. It was saddening. He seemed like a nice guy. I was mad (not really), Nine’s family had gotten bailed out. I wasn’t able to enjoy the holidays with him. I wasn’t able to show him the time that I was looking forward to showing him.
After we got back from visiting them, it was time to get back to business. We had a lot to set up. My vision of 2we1ve was either before or after Tee. I know I incorporated him in our move, because I didn’t want to be staying in anything run down. That’s all it seemed we would able to afford by ourselves. If I was going to be paying for something, I wanted it to be comfortable. My brother and I were still on nice terms. We hadn’t fallen out since we both got out of placements. He was able to U everything I talked with him about. With this new found happiness I had, I wanted to offer it to him. I didn’t allow him to make the move with us, unless he was willing to give his life over to God and allow me some time to teach him as well, which would have meant full control for a time. I presented him with the option of being one of 2we1ve and moving in with us. I was trying to build on 2we1ve and capitalize on his circumstance, by offering him a way out. It meant giving his life to God. I wanted my brother to be a part of this. I wanted all of my brothers to be a part of 2we1ve. Me and Nine could have managed without Tee. I looked into the future and saw him being a part of it anyway, so I figured why wait. It would be up to him of course. He agreed to moving in and being a part of 2we1ve.
Tee was going to be an easy target for drama. I believed in him. I MeM asking him while we were in the car, “when you think you’ve found a girl, let me examine her”. He agreed. Tee would hook up with anybody. I asked him to promise, and he did.
NOWTee comprehended my speaking, and was able, mostly, to throw it back out well. He could never really put his finger to the importance of what he was speaking. It was in his mind, but not in his heartNOW It was going to be the same deal with Tee. He would have to allow me to teach him/ do everything I asked him for a season, so that I would know that he trusted me. I would then trust him. He was already 2we1ve, just by giving his life to God and allowing me to teach him. NOWI knew more than them, but I hadn’t yet begun to U the importance of my mission on a higher level. I wasn’t prepared for my mission, but I was built for it.NOW We moved into an apartment in Ga. At the time, we really couldn’t afford it, but we had enough money to hold us over until I found a job, and until Nine and Tee got another job. I took a big risk in making the move, but I believed that everything was set up for whatever we wanted to do. I was in control of everything, money, clothes, movements, everything.
I got a job in tella. Nine didn’t listen and wasn’t able to get one at the same spot, but ended up getting one at fast food. Me and Tee had two jobs. We were all blessed with jobs and money, and Nine was acting like she didn’t want to work at fast food. I was still going to school, chose to drop out, because I had to make that money and make sure that the financial side of things was handled. I had to do everything. NOWthis might have been the first time I dropped out, and the reason why.NOW I was the only one happy, because it was my vision. They couldn’t see the outcome. They weren’t focused. They didn’t want to study the Bible. They were showing me that they weren’t truthful to the word they had given me. They complained to me, like they forgot that I told them that I was going to be testing them. All they had to do was say yes, do it, and they passed. It was simple.
We were all on a diet, because Tee was fat, so I portioned out an amount of food that I could handle. We all ate the same amount. I was the biggest, and if I could handle it, working the hours that I did, they should have been able to as well. Later on, I allowed myself a little extra for lunch at work, because I was pulling a lot of overtime. I didn’t over do my tab.
Nine didn’t work long before she slipped at work, and somehow never went back. She didn’t work, so she was manning the house, and could handle the sale of some business supplies that we invested it. She did still have the army.
Nine and Tee were a part of 2we1ve, but they were my worst enemies. They talked down on the things we would do, not only to me, but to others. I MeM Tee doing it more than Nine. They didn’t carry themselves like they were happy. Tee was the worst, but they were both equally as detrimental. I put my all and my life into this move. I would die/suffer for either one of them, at any given time, for giving me the chance to teach them. I wanted the testing to be over as much as they did, but they failed every test. NOWthey wanted college to be done, but they weren’t even trying, and wouldn’t take any of the exams.NOW It only got worst. There was a blatant disregard for their commitment to me. I was overworked, my brother was a liar, my wife was a liar, I had given up my comfortable life, risking everything for a world that I hated, and I risked and cared also for these two liars. My wife hurt me the most. But the hurt from the both of them was same, if I can get away with saying that.
Tee would get angry and violent with me when I tested him. I was hurt. He would get aggressive and come close to fighting me. I would have let him beat me. I talked with him and told him that I wasn’t going to allow him to sit here and lie to me daily. I was going to cut him off. I wasn’t going to kick him out, but he was going to have to pay his full part of the bills. He still wasn’t going to be able to do what he wanted in that apartment, because it wasn’t for him, it was for us. All of this happened after he had gotten some girl pregnant without letting me examine her as he promised. He had violated 2we1ve, because he wasn’t supposed to be having sex. NOWmaybe he had gotten her pregnant before 2we1ve thoughNOW He had been promised to let me examine the girl though. She joined 2we1ve as well. It was the only way I was going to accept her and the baby. I didn’t have time to focus on his mistake. He said that he already explained everything to her, and she Ud, so I was like alright. If she agreed to be a woman of God and Ud the love thing, I was cool with it. I also figured this would make him more comfortable and control his sex urges. He now had a wife. I wasn’t going to stop that.
We now had 4 members of 2we1ve, she was retarded though. I couldn’t believe he had violated like this, but it could fit along with the mission, so we made it work. She was pregnant before Nine was, so I knew he had to be doing some creeping. We had to fight with her mom as well, and she chose her mom over us. She had lied also. Now Tee was alone NOWand jealousNOW
I was falling apart. I was losing humility. I would barely push them to do anything for fear of upsetting them. I cried when I gave Tee his last warning, or had tears in my eyes. He was the first to go. I wasn’t going to let my wife go. I had to deal with her anyway, she was my wife. I didn’t have to put up with Tee lying and having me live for him.
I got to eat what I wanted now. Me and Nine were on our own. The situation between Nine not letting go of her family, that seemed not to like me, her husband, was getting worst. The more they tugged, the harder I pulled. When I pulled I pulled hard. It had gotten to the point where I wouldn’t even let her talk to them. Mostly her mom, all she had was negative things to say. It got so bad that I would stop having sex with Nine because she was starting to disgust me with her decision making. I was hurt and annoyed. Sex wasn’t important. I couldn’t shake the sense of failure that seemed to be approaching. I didn’t want to bring a child in the world this way. I either wouldn’t have sex, or at times I wouldn’t nut in her. Overtime, I thought, “I’m not going to get a divorce, so why refrain”.
If I did get her pregnant, the hope was that by the time the baby got here, me and her would be straight. I wasn’t going to slow that process anymore, when I could have a baby here sooner than later. I was ready for a baby. I was going full force in the relationship. Whatever failed, it would fail, but this was my wife, so there wasn’t any point in slowing progress, hurting myself by holding back. I wanted a child. I was keeping from the sexual bond to prevent having one under the rough circumstances we were in, not agreeing. My point was still not being proven. I gave in.
Somewhere along our stay in the apartment, we found out that we had chlamydia. I didn’t ever think I was burning. I never had any signs. My brain went back to the hotel the time I had felt the sting on my tongue. Sometime in my life, I was told if you put your ear wax on a girls’ area and she jumped, that she had something. When they told me that I flashed back to the same incident and figured she was burning then. My thoughts were that, me and her had used condoms the whole time. NOWI must say though I do MeM a time when we first had sex, that I asked if we could go a little while without the condom, so thinking about what the fast food girl had told me, it is possible that in that small window without a condom that I could have burned her. That’s if I had even gotten anything from the girl. I don’t think I did though. I just had to mention that so that the playing field would be leveled. Now y’all can say who burned who. We both blame it on each other, still today.NOW
PART 5, Message of Love
Eventually things had gotten to a point where I wasn’t able to deal with her being so fake towards me. I came back to the house every day after work, sacrificing my life for her, and I just asked the simplest things from her to show that she trusted me. I felt as if I was hated by her when I had to deal with her being upset with me about something that she agreed to. I couldn’t do it anymore. I had a talk with her and told her the next time she violated our agreement, we were done, meaning our marriage was done.
I still had plans to carry out living my life as a man of God and carrying out 2we1ve alone, just without her by my side. I had told her, the day that I felt she had lied, I would be okay with being a liar as well regarding my commitment to her. I had reached that point and hoped with all my heart that the threat would work. I never thought that I would ever divorce her. I never thought that the hurt would get that bad. I never even thought that there would be any hurt. It was bad. NOWdeep breath, slight sighNOW I couldn’t focus. I had no drive. I don’t MeM the incident, but something happened. I was done. Just as easily as my words had brought us together, my words separated us. We were no longer married and she was pregnant at this time. NOWbrain rambling about future events and things she did. I’m a little emotional right now.NOW She asked me what to do with the baby, or what about the baby. I told her it wasn’t up to me. I wasn’t going to have her be upset with me for whatever decision I made. It was her life now. NOWI’m thinking that I hinted towards her not having it.NOW I didn’t want a child by a woman that I wasn’t married to. Whatever I would have said, she wouldn’t have listened to me anyway. I felt that by her asking, she just wanted to know for her own personal reasons. I MeM telling her, “it’s your decision. I‘m not going to tell you to keep it, or kill it, you live with your decision”. She chose to keep it. She didn’t leave immediately because she had chosen to keep it, and by that choice being made, it was in my thinking to take care of her since she was having my baby.
We were all on our own now. I moved out of being in the room with her. We all had our own rooms. Nine wasn’t 2we1ve anymore, nor was she my wife, but I was still taking care of her. Tee was on his own. He paid his way.
Nine started making complaints about the airbed that we slept on. I left it to her, but she was pregnant and I guess by it being so low, it was uncomfortable for her. I had went and bought me a nice high air bed and a layer of memory foam to go over it, along with some nice blankets and sheets. Our money was separated now. I was bringing in all the money and I didn’t have to share. I was still paying most of the bills. We weren’t together, but I was still a man of God and a member of 2we1ve, so I acted accordingly. Me and her couldn’t have sex anymore. I was a single man of God.
Eventually I gave up on everything I was doing. I didn’t have the reason, or the drive in continuing on without anyone to do it for. All the sin that I was avoiding, mainly girls, I had given up, and became a man of God. She violated me. I was tempted in wanting to do things, and I didn’t have anything to keep me from doing so. I didn’t care about my life. I wanted to enjoy it, plus I hated working. Since I was working I wanted to enjoy my money however I seen fit.
Everything had fallen apart. I chose to no longer be a man of God. I was now a failure. The future was three, young, dumb sinners and a baby living together. Everything that was humble about me left. I was ready to beat Tee to a pulp, because he couldn’t even follow the rules of the house. I almost beat him up one day, but he pulled a knife on me. He was the one talking shit though, so I ran up on him. I was going to take all my failure out on him. I thought to myself, “he wouldn’t really stab me would he, but rather than take the ass wooping, like I did my mom, he would surely be swinging it, and if I chose to walk up, oh well”. I chose to leave him alone. After my heat died down, it was over with to me.
I told Nine that since I had quit God, I would possibly be out with another girl, and if she was going to be with a guy, to let me know. I told her this because me and her had started having sex again. As soon as she would have told me she was fucking another nigga, I wouldn’t have had sex with her anymore, not without condoms for sure. At the time we were having sex without condoms. I didn’t trust her.
I was starting to “holla” at girls on the job. I didn’t have a job long. I didn’t like working, and my drive for going to work and being a success was gone. I slowly got off track. My attitude changed. I was a regular old sinner that didn’t care about myself again. I hadn’t held the job longer than 6 months before they fired me. I had been put in my two weeks on the other job. By this time me and Nine was staying with Snoop. I didn’t lose my job until after the apartment. NOWI may have gotten fired first, and we were planning on leaving Tee there, since he didn’t want to come to Tyrone’s house. He had met some girls that were causing problems between us. I always managed to get back cool with Tee. He was my younger brother and I knew he had been through alot.
He had met a girl, and his girl had a girl. They were both in the homeless shelter trying to get an apartment. They would come and chill with us at the time that they would have to be gone from the shelter. They were cool, but I was trying again, as always, to tell Tee to slow down. He would become infatuated with a chick, and he would get played. He was a giving person. He was a caring person, but at the end of the day, he would always fall short, because he was never driven by the right motifs.
The other girl had kids, as well as Tees’ girl. She was alright looking. She had a “pudge”, wasn’t quite my preference, but she was cool, cute, and could get it. Nine was there whenever they were around, so I played back so that I wouldn’t disrespect Nine by being all up on the girl in the house while she was there. Even though she knew I would mess with other girls, and me and her were no more, I still valued her as a human being. I wasn’t going to do her like that. Nine went to visit her family. That same day I smashed the girl. It wasn’t anything special. NOWTee ended up telling Nine so she knew about it before I told her. Me and Nine may have still went to Tyrone’s before we went to Snoops, if not. I’m sure it had something to do with money. Maybe since Tee wasn’t coming, it would have just been easier for us to go to Snoops’, and she probably could use us for babysitting.NOW.
Snoop was back with her man, the boys parent. It was them two, us two, my 2 nieces and nephews. Nine was pretty fat by now. The baby was coming soon. While we were at Snoops’ house the fast food girl came by and was pregnant. Nine said that she could tell that she was somebody to me by the way I looked at her. I wondered what that face may have looked like. I didn’t want to make Nine feel bad. She was already insecure, thinking that she wasn’t my type. I know that the girl was, so whatever Nine saw and sensed, I thought I was hiding it a little better than I was.
My life had become like the average guys. Everything I hoped for, spoke about, and preached about was dead. People probably really looked at me like I was crazy because of the talk about me not telling people I love them, and my marriage and how it came about. I felt like, to them, I had confirmed their thought that everything I had spoken about was a lie. I knew it was the truth. I couldn’t really speak for myself much, because my actions were speaking for me. I was about to be a baby daddy, didn’t have a job, and me and my X wife was staying with my sister, her babies daddy, and her 4 kids. My life, to me, was bad. I tried to find my happiness whereever I could, but I knew I had failed.
I also knew that I had a mission to complete. I had learned too much. I couldn’t live a lie. I was too real for that. NOWI don’t know if my plan was to watch my wife and get back with her. If so it was probably while I was still trying to hold on to God after our separation.NOW
Snoop wasn’t managing her money properly, as usual, and was going to be moving out of the house, going to stay with Debra. That meant me and Nine were out of a house as well. I knew I could go stay with Silly. He was always my real nigga on tuck. If it every came down to it, I could go to him for anything. At least I felt that way, so I was going to call him and try to stay with him for a while, seeing if a job would open up down there. I left Nine to my mom and sister, to hold her and my baby down. They managed to let her get away and go with her family. That’s who she had the baby with. NOWtoo many bitches in my life, and none of them could do for a man as he asked. All my women were older than me. They didn’t respect me. A man is a man for a reason, having a penis, if a vagina as well, then having a penis that works to identify him. Visa Versa. Age is irRev. A man should be shown reverence by any woman, and that goes for any man. My own family was blind to my value. I Ud what Jesus meant when he said a prophet isn’t without reward, save within his own country.NOW
I got with Silly and he was working selling cars. I went where he worked and got a job. As soon as I got a job, he took me out to celebrate. He had a roommate, named “Happy”. We all went out to eat. Silly was proud of me and looked out for me until the checks started rolling in. I started selling cars immediately. The next month I was there I was leading the board in cars sold, along with selling all the cars that we needed gone. I could pretty much put a person in any car that I wanted them in, but I carried my same caring quality that was in me, to my job. I really cared about how things turned out with the people I sold cars to, because my face was what I felt like I was selling. I felt like they trusted me. I was noticing that I wasn’t around coworkers who cared like I did. I scored so high on the test to get the job, that they said I was too nice, and had to take it again. I was too positive. They said, “aint no body that positive”. I had to take the test over and try to figure out how to not be positive in order to pass the test. My white coworkers were the ones hating on me. I came in confident and did exactly what I said I was going to do. They said I didn’t listen. How was I selling cars then? I didn’t know anything about car sales until I got the job. I learned from listening. I was fired by the white men, before they even asked the owner, which was a black man. I was fired because I wasn’t listening. NOWit was necss, because me and Silly would have been running the place in less than a yr. I would have been successful. That would have meant more sex, and a longer time before I completed my mission. I was under the control of God/being guided. I truthfully told him to use me when I gave my life over to him. He must have accepted. He kept me in line, never allowing me to drift too far away from the mission, reminding me that I had something more important to do.NOW
I was upset. Every time I would get close to success, something, or someone would prevent me. This time it was different and even more stressful, because I had Silly looking out for me. I wanted to succeed so that I could give back to him for everything he had done for me. They had just taken that opportunity away from me.
I started to just go and look for prospects for him to sell to. I could’ve gotten paid for that. The drama wouldn’t stop. I broke the glass table in his living room. Then I ended up wrecking his car. He still wasn’t upset and was willing to work through it. We were going to join the army together. I was going to run into the same possibility of not getting in that I had run into before, because of my offenses. Silly had no idea of my past yet. I wasn’t afraid that the people were going to tell him why. I just wasn’t going to lie to him if that was the reason I didn’t get in. Since I knew that not getting in was a possibility, I went on ahead and told him what had happened. He didn’t change. I assumed either way that it affected him, because he had a little girl that he had me watch for a second or two while he was showering or something. Not long amounts of time, but long enough if I was that kind of guy, I could have done something, so I was sure, something crossed his mind. He didn’t seem to change at all.
The army told me that they had pulled up a warrant that I would have to clear up first. It was from a ticket I had in Hinesville for a headlight being out. I was broke by now. Silly said,”just give me some time”. I couldn’t let him do it. He had done enough. I was also starting to think that I couldn’t go in anyway, because I would one day be a man of God again and they could ask me to kill people. I wasn’t going to kill nobody for anyone. If I was a man of God at the time, then I would have to violate my commitment to them, then I would have lied. I was hesitant, because I knew I wasn’t going to be a sinner for long, nor was I going to sell my soul for money.
I would have still gone with Silly, but he was talking about getting married. I was against it. Me and him were so close, I assumed I was going to cause problems in his marriage. I was going to have to let him chase what he thought was important. I practically begged him not to get married to the girl. I knew it wasn’t going to work. I needed him to need me, but he had to chase his dreams.
It was because of his decision to get married that I chose to give my life back to God. I was going to go do my time for this ticket, and be a man of God by myself this time. I was going to give up every possession I had. I left my clothes, my ties, and my basketball cards. I didn’t have much, but what I had, I valued and appreciated. I left it all to him to do whatever he chose to do with it. I asked him if he would forgive me of my debt to him. He didn’t know what I had planned. He didn’t know that him forgiving me of my debt, meant that I was going to jail. He said yes. He forgave me for everything. I might have told him what I was about to do, but not when. If he would have chosen to not forgive me, then I would have stayed, because I would never do him any wrong, on purpose. I would suffer and die for him. I felt like I owed him my life. There wasn’t anything that he could ask for and not get from me. His family treated me the same way he did.
One day while he was away. I packed my things, left him a note and walked to the jail house. I submitted myself to do the time for the warrant. Before all of this I had met Kewt A.

Cute A Kewt A Cute A Kewt A Cute A Kewt A Cute A Kewt Cute A Kewt A Cute A Kewt A

Tee had already moved to Hinesville with some people. We were in the same area. It wasn’t a large area at all. He was over a girl house that he had met. He stayed with a lady, but he hung around a girl he had met. She was as much of a big girl as he was a fat boy. He was over her house, Molly’s house, with another girl and called me. I knew Tee was known for being around nobodies, so I checked him like, “ey man, can’t be calling me over there for nothing.” He said she was nice so I took his word. I don’t think he sent a picture. I didn’t get too “swagged”, but made sure I was decent. When I got there and seen Cute A!!!! I felt like I should have come better and had more respect for who I was going to be around. She was cute as fuck. She had a little big button nose and a cute smile, and a cute ass shape. She was short and small, which was cute as well. I preferred tall and athletic but I guess I could rock with cute and lazy. They were playing cards when I came. I was called because they needed an extra partner. Cute A had a bottle of Yack and some “Rettes.” She kept that on hand. I was thrown a little by her extra props, but she was grown and I was just out to smash a.s.a.p. anyway, so hey. She was 23. I MeM the age that she told me being older than that. Whatever age she had told me, for sure, it was and age that put her in the category of drinking legally.
She had got wasted and the night was coming to a close. I was spending the night (Excuse, it was late). So me and her shared the bed in another room and Tee and Molly would exit off to their room.
Her vibe was chill and on point, she was Cute A. She was sweet. We had kicked it and got acquainted at the table. I was feeling her. When we closed the night, it was all over the bed sex, every spot on the bed sex. We messed the sheets up. NOWI wish I could MeM if she laid on me or if I held her that night. It would bring me some comfort as I sit here in this cell doing time for child support. I wish I had her addy.NOW
I thought it was a fling and Ud it to be a fling, and that we was just doing this. We hadn’t had any conversation about being together. I was torn. I never actually made sure though. I just continued on hoping we were on the same page. I spent most of my time over there with her or her with me, whenever me and Silly weren’t up to something.
We got along like brothers and sisters. We had one problem, she smoked, and I had started to care about her of course. I wondered why she was killing herself. It wasn’t a major problem, but it became one when what we were, actually, came into question by her. NOWIm sure that’s when I explained to her that I don’t do the girlfriend and boyfriend thing.NOW I didn’t tell her off hand that I was married, but that could have been a slap in the face to her, when she did find out, if she believed we had something going.
She called me difficult. She could see that something wasn’t right with me, and she wanted me to calm down/relax. She didn’t U that I couldn’t. My brain raced horse powers, millions of them. I always told her I’m not difficult. I was complicated. It was our little thing.
I didn’t feel like I would live up to her standards. I showed of success at first. I was doing things. Then I lost my job. Things started going downhill. By the time she had expressed to me that she might have been interested in a relationship, I started to try and use her to be a reason to make me stay, but she wouldn’t stop smoking and that would mean to me that I wasn’t important enough to her for her to give them up. I do think she had agreed to slow down. I actually think she was working on it, but by the time things were falling apart she wasn’t giving me enough to make me stay. I valued her in every way. The thing that I liked about her most was her honesty in a conversation we had. I wanted to marry her so bad after the conversation. We had been over Sillly’s apartment. She had spent the night and I tried to pamper her as much as I could, which she was well worth. We woke up that morning. She was sitting on the couch, I was on the other. I will never forget the vibe, as we sat there and she held a conversation with me, listening and expressing herself, but really listening. I had her full attention when I spoke. It was as if she was hoping that I would slip and tell her how she could have the key to my heart. She told me, “I know you be right, but you are like that kid that no one likes in the classroom, that has all the answers”. I Ud her in her statement. She was honest with me about her issue with me, and recognized it, openly admitting her flaw to my face, in such a lady like way and tone. Her tone being her countenance, her posture and the way she spoke. I apologized to her for being like I was. I couldn’t shake it though. I wanted badly to take the risk with her. She was Cute A. The Cute, A, that made her Cute A. Staying would mean possible putting my homeboy Silly through more shit because it seemed like God was pulling at my collar. NOWI hadn’t even put it around my neck yet.NOW He wasn’t allowing me to relax.
I didn’t tell her the specifics of what I was about to do, but I told her that I was going to jail. I told her I was going to delete her name from my phone. It was going to hurt me to leave but I had to go. In the meantime, she could call me if she wanted, but I wasn’t calling her anymore. I showed her the phone, which Silly had let me use on his contract, and she deleted every number I had in my phone. What a gesture to delete everybody from my phone, like, who deserves to be in it if she wasn’t. She was even a Cute gangster. I knew she wanted me, but I wasn’t going to be tricked again. I knew she didn’t know me, nor did she have any idea of what I would require of her by the time I became a man of God. I knew I was going to be a man of God again one day, for sure. She wanted Kew. NOWI was about to become. K.E.W. She didn’t know him. She was Cute A back then. I MeM how I had it in my phone. That’s my Kewt ANOW
NOWSilly, was a hard headed little niggaNOW. Kewt A didn’t want me to go. NOWI sense till this day, that she doesn’t U what it took for me to leave still. God was her competition. There was one hell of a fight.NOW She said something to me when she made her strongest plea for me not to go do what I was going to do. I never had a girl say what she said to me, ever in my life, not even my wife. I cared about Cute A. I wasn’t going to test her word. It was highly respected and appreciated it though.
I couldn’t control whether I called her or not, as long as I had her number, which is why I deleted it. I forgot to delete our text messages, and her number was tied to those. I sat on the couch in the dark and contemplated calling her. I couldn’t because I said I wasn’t. I couldn’t resist, I missed her voice, and she hadn’t called me. It wasn’t long but she hadn’t called at all. NOWnot that I MeMNOW I called her private and hung up. As soon as I did, she called me. I didn’t know if she had called because we were thinking about each other, if she called because she knew it was me, or maybe I didn’t do the *69 and it didn’t block my number. NOWsomebody just told me its *67, I think I used the right thing at that timeNOW When she called I picked up, and spoke as if I didn’t just call her. NOWI wouldn’t talk to her for a long time after thatNOW.
Cute A was the “baddest” chick to me, next to the superstar. I dreamed of having girls like her, but after learning a better way of doing relationships, I never repeat my mistakes. If I wouldn’t have wanted to be with her so bad, I could have played around with her, but I ultimately wanted her as my wife, which meant possibly failing at that, failing her, and ruining her life by me being selfish. My job, and reason for marrying Nine, was to not play with her life. Cute A was much more appealing than Nine, and had spoken in ways that had put her level of loyalty above Nine’s. To continue on with her, knowing what I knew, would have meant playing with her life.
I thought I could change Nine, and benefit her by taking that risk. It failed. I knew that the relationship with Cute A was going to fail. To try that same way, with someone I cared about, would mean that I didn’t care about them at all. Anything that she could have offered me, with me Uing her potential of things to offer wouldn’t make me choose to hurt her any longer. I was about to do enough damage, because I was leaving her. The next day I got dressed and walked to the county.
I was now going by Knowledge Equals Wisdom. I wasn’t answering to anything else. Everything I had learned, I would apply now, on my walk as a member of 2we1ve standing alone. I wasn’t going back to anyone’s house. I was going to preach the message of love, laying and eating, whatever I was given. I couldn’t spend any money if I was given any. I came up with these rules for myself. I didn’t really think that it was the only way. I just chose theses ways to test myself. I could only eat and receive what was given to me, because Jesus had said, “………..for the labourer is worthy of his hireLuke 10:7)
Everybody I tried to show the light, either while I was in sin or not, had chosen not to believe me or didn’t U. This time around, I was putting my life in his hands completely, and had given up on my marriage, and my son. As far as family members went, I wasn’t going to pursue any other “family”.
My full focus was to be happy fulfilling what I believed to be my purpose, or to die. I didn’t want anything but to do Gods will, and to fulfill my vision of 2we1ve and the Message of Love.
I served the first week or two, not long, it was a misdemeanor for the headlight ticket. I was constantly talking about my mission with people. There weren’t many people on our dorm. That left a small amount of people to preach the Message to. Everyone who was willing to listen, I explained it to. NOW it wasn’t perfected yet, but the concept that would change/affect the average persons’ thinking, was in play, and would allow them to speak more on proper terms of what Love really was. I only MeM by this point, that I had gotten to love being perfect, and not telling anyone that you love them, because you weren’t perfect. I MeM by this time the word Love only having one definition, and if we were going by what the scriptures said it was, perfect, then we weren’t able. I don’t MeM the specifics of what I had gotten toNOW
There was this one guy I told it to. He Ud. He even came up with a name for himself like mines. He called himself H.A.P. It stood for Hope and Peace. I told him that I couldn’t get a member while I was in jail, because we could be separated. I told him to take what I taught him, teach others, and to no longer tell people that he loved them, and if we ever ran into each other, we could continue building on our relationship. Others may have Ud me slightly, but none like HAP.
It was pretty much the same people every day. I ran out of people to preach to, and there weren’t many people coming in and out in this small town. I was bored. The only thing to do was read the Bible. I had finished it. I had my message already, ready to preach. I had the choices of refreshing my brain, playing games, or gambling. I had given up on sports because I planned on there being days in this walk with God where I barely even ate. My whole plan of ever doing anything with basketball, I gave up. I gave up what I was passionate about. I didn’t go out and play with them, and explained to them why. I had to maintain. I rarely worked out. I didn’t like working out in front of people anyway. I had workout secrets. They weren’t worthy of seeing those.
I sat around, doing the basic things that were available. Then I was introduced to poker. I didn’t have any money, meaning any of the things that they played for off of commissary to put up. Gambling, in my first thoughts was against my belief. My brain is wonderfully complex, and I devised a way to play. I said to myself, “it was just like paying a quarter to play an arcade game”. Whatever I won I had planned on giving back. I would play, have fun, be a winner, and show them that I was a wonderful man of God by not taking from them. It didn’t happen that way.
I got a snack from trading one of my meals or something off of the tray for the snack. I played with that snack and lost. I continued to lose until I got the hang of it. I was far in the whole. I never took anything back. I accepted my loss and starvation. I was offered some things back at times, because of how much I lost, and it was all I had. I was so far behind and had lost so much food, by the time I did win, I chose to keep the things I won. One time I won and just held on to the things I had won, so that I could play more if I lost, but I still had planned on giving them the things back, when I worked up enough for me to still be able to play after giving them there stuff back little by little. By the time I started winning, I beat them easily. I almost got beat up because my talk game, upset the competition. They knew that I was non-violent. Talking and bluffing was part of the game. NOWI was so caught in passing time and winning, that I didn’t pay any attention to the fact that I was putting a stumbling block in front of these men, just to play a game.NOW The guy said he was going to slap me, or made like he was about to. I jumped as a reflex. If he would have slapped me, I wouldn’t have done anything back, so that I could maintain my face. My words had to match up when it came time for me to show that I was really about that Godly life that I was speaking on.
I would have gotten out of the county early, but every time they called me to court, one of the officers, or the judge, called me Quincy, or Dean. I wasn’t answering to my name. Every time I didn’t answer, they kept me in jail longer. When I finally made it in front of the judge, he would say, “get him out of here”. I’m sure they thought I was trying to be funny or start trouble. They were dealing with me, and I was responding by how I was walking according to my faith, so I was willing to stay for as long as they wanted to keep me.
My gambling had become a problem. I wasn’t playing for fun anymore. I was straight out gambling. When I lost, I wasn’t losing something that I could afford to lose, health wise. All I had was my jail house meals, and I was losing them. NOWif I was proper in my 2we1ve mode, I would have noticed the risk and been more patient and humble before choosing to give up my food to play a game for fun, when I could have been doing something else.NOW I had started to trade my state food for store food, just to play in the big games. I was bored, but that was no excuse for my behavior.
My plan was still to give them their stuff back when I would start to win continuously, and not use their stuff to play with because I had lost my original product. I never gave them their things back.
I had seen this guy eating food off of the left over trays. He might have been homeless. He wanted more food for sure. I was like, “damn, I’m hungry, but I aint going to humiliate myself and eat off another persons’ tray”. It was untouched food that he was eating. I don’t MeM seeing him eat touched food.NOTE
My mom wrote me, and I explained to her what I was doing. The whole time that I was there, the boys that I was cool with, kept telling me to go take care of my child. NOWyou knowNOW They were giving me the whole speech about how he needs me, etc. I didn’t really care to pay them any attention. I had already asked God to forgive me for lying to him about my marriage. That meant every product of my failure that was in play because of my marriage. I Ud that I was going to lose my child in this mission. That was Ud to me. He was no more important to me than anybody else on the planet. If I chose him over God and my mission, because my mission was tied to God, he could take my family anyway, so why even take the risk. I was going to give him all of me, and that was final.
I was going over the scriptures and was hit with certain scriptures that dealt with marriage. I realized what I hadn’t before, being my flaw in my marriage. Not only the flaw in my decision to marry in the first place, but in my actions throughout the marriage. I didn’t think I had any. The obligation to her and my kids, by scripture, and by my associates, seemed to go hand in hand, one confirming the other. It seemed to be a confirmation to me, now, as a different man, to go back and do better. I didn’t want to be the one that made the wrong decision in the marriage. The only way to make sure that I wasn’t was to go back and do it differently.
I didn’t choose to go back because I wanted my family. I went back because I honestly felt like I had made a mistake and wanted to fix it. NOWpart of our error in going back and trying to fix what we’ve asked forgiveness for, is, what we asked forgiveness for, no longer exist. It’s washed away. You go dig up a problem that you couldn’t fix at one point, believing you can fix it now. It’s like taking the problem back from God, saying, “gimme that, let me try”. I know God be lookin like, “is these niggs stupid”?(retor)NOW
NOWnever tell your spiritual plans that deal with what you are going to do for God, based upon your faith. A persons’ mind that doesn’t U your vision, may try and save you from it, believing that they are doing you a justice. Opening a persons’ mind to consequences of their faith walk, that will not be consequences of sin, is a hindrance. I didn’t know. Even the scriptures say, “don’t tell your left hand what your right is doing”. I could have used that to not have put me in a situation such as the one I am speaking on. I read and didn’t U certain things or didn’t apply what I Ud to things that I could have benefited from applying them to. I believe as long as you have the Knowledge, you will U its importance one day, if you seek his face, being chosen and sacrificing the things necss.NOW I didn’t see any reason to have fear in my walk, therefore, I didn’t think about consequences.
Before I would leave the jail and not come back, I was going to leave and come back first. My time was up for the headlight ticket, now I was ready to go, so I had to answer the judge in a way that he would let me go. I don’t MeM my specific thinking and response, but when he asked me if I was Quincy I said enough to get him to let me go.
I told the boys that I would be back. I was released during the day. I didn’t have a Bible. I couldn’t begin my mission without one, so I had to find a church. I walked and stopped at the first church I saw that was open. It was kind of dark by the time people begin to show up. I think I had read on the sign that Bible study would be starting at a certain time, so I waited. When people started to show up, I went in, spoke with someone, and got a Bible. When I left, it was dark out, so I chose to find somewhere to lie down. It was COLD out. I hadn’t accounted for the COLD, as I walked down the road in my jeans and short sleeve t-shirt, holding the bag I was released with in one hand, while warming the other one in my shirt. I was walking next to the road. Every car that drove by, brought with it a windy COLD.
I wasn’t doing any short term walking on this night. I was walking some distance in this COLD. I knew where an open store was, and I was headed there. It would be my safe haven for the night while I found out what I was going to do next, now that COLD was a factor. I hadn’t eaten anything since I left the county earlier that day. When I got to the store, I found a little room in the back, and drunk all the coffee, sugar, and creamer that I could. I enjoyed and laid there as long as I could. A guy was there that worked for them, he bothered me a little but not much. I was able to rest.
When the morning came, I went and sat at an intersection while I was writing something out of the scriptures, or as I read the Bible. I didn’t do it for people to praise me. I did it so that Hinesville would know that I was there, and I was about to do a work in there city. NOWnot that they would really be able to tell that I was about to do a workNOW I don’t know how many months I had been gone, but I MeM hoping or not hoping that Kewt A would pass by. I would have either wanted her to, so that I could see her, but I’m sure I didn’t want her to because I would have been embarrassed if she didn’t U what I was doing, and just happened to think I was crazy or something. Not because of Kewt A, but I reevaluated my decision. I had to go back to jail before I starved/before it got COLD again. I devised a plan.
I couldn’t just ask to get back in. I couldn’t commit a crime that was a sin. Any crime that they would lock me up for would probably be a sin. I had to make sure that I got in though, because I wasn’t up for another night in the COLD. I could steal something, but not really steal! I headed to a store. I walked into a gas station and told the person that I was going to steal some pins, and for him to call the cops. I grabbed a handful of the pens from the front of the store and stepped outside. The lady that was working at the time, came out and spoke to me. She said, “what’s wrong”. I told her I was on a mission. She said, “you’re not a bad looking guy”, as to say, with my appearance, I could fit into the world/have a nice girl, etc. She couldn’t U why I was doing what I was doing. I just MeM telling her that I was on a mission. I didn’t try and get into too many details. I’m sure I explained, in a sense, for who, and for what.
While we were outside talking face to face, she managed to reach her hand out and get them on the pens. I couldn’t snatch away from her, it wasn’t in my manner to do that, so I let her have them. I said to her, casually, “now why you do that, Imma have to go steal something else. I walked back in the store and browsed around like I was shopping to buy, as if it mattered what I picked up. NOWthough certain price ranges mean a bigger chargeNOW I chose a pack of cookies, then went back to man my post until the police showed up.
It ended up being an officer that I MeMed. He was a cool guy. He even called me KEW, he said something like, “KEW what are you doing”, as he was preparing to lock me up. I returned the cookies unopened. I really wanted to eat them. I hadn’t had something tasty in a while, plus I was about to go to jail for it. I figured why not enjoy it, but I also thought that it would then be stealing, gluttony, and an act of wanting, so by 2we1ve, I had to give it back. It was time to go reevaluate my situation.
I had told the boys that I would be back, they said, “there go KEW, he said he was comin back”. I explained to them my findings when I left, and that it was COLD out there. I admitted that if it hadn’t of been for the COLD, I might not have come back so quick.
I slightly MeM almost making the decision of staying in jail until it warmed up. Along my second stay, I decided to go be with my wife. I wasn’t chasing her though. I was going to see my son. I was planning on getting back with her, but we had to talk first, but I left Hinesville to go see my son that I hadn’t seen in person yet. After seeing him, I was going to start preaching and resume being homeless in that area. That was my plan.
I didn’t have long before I would be getting out for stealing the cookies. I was frustrated with the people that I was locked up with. None of them really listened to me. I was there and could help them with their walk with God. I had the truth and they weren’t accepting it. I felt something drawing me away from the dorm that I was in, just pushing me to be alone. I couldn’t take being around them anymore. I wanted to go somewhere to clear my head. I only had a few days left. I just wanted to be alone. I was lying on a bottom bunk. The frustration had grown so strong, that I hit, with my palms, the bottom of the bunk above me, and shook the chess game that was going on up there.
I went and pushed the button so that I could tell the officers that I wanted to go to the back. The back was just like a seclusion area, where you would probably be in a cell, verses what were in, being an open dorm. They were taking too long to respond, so I figured that I would get their attention. I used something that was connected to the wall, so that I could climb up and throw the T.V. off the stand that it was on, way up above the floor. I didn’t care that the inmates were saying, no. I thought, ”oh, now it’s no, T.V.’s so important, they were just going to have to do without it”.
When the guard came to take me to the back, I went peacefully. It was what I wanted to do. When I got to the back, which I had never seen before, it looked a little different than I expected. I heard, “KEW”! I didn’t know anybody in Hinesville. I looked a little closer, and there was Tee. He had gotten locked up for breaking into a house. He had gotten here after me. He had gotten kicked out of the place where he was staying. I knew about that before I got locked up. I would have helped him but he couldn’t be trusted. I didn’t want Silly to have to deal with that. I knew that Silly would have done whatever for him, if I asked.
They let us be in the same cell for some time. We told them that we were brothers. They weren’t supposed to have us in the same cell, because he was a felon, and I had a misdemeanor. They allowed it until I left.
He hadn’t gotten sent back to that cell for fighting. He told me he was on a diet, and was doing some working out since he had been back there. He had porn all over the top bunk. He was on the bottom. I explained to him what had happened, that I was back on the mission. He told me that everything I was telling him back then was true. He started telling me, how he was lying the whole time, and was just using the situation to get what he wanted out of it. I told him that I forgave him. I also offered him the opportunity to be a member again. I explained to him that he wouldn’t just get to be one this time. I told him that it was most important that he give his life to God. I told him that when we met again, we would talk about where he was at in life, and whether he wanted to be a part of 2we1ve still. I only asked that he hold to the MOL(Message of Love), because he Ud it. He agreed. Before or after he agreed, he confessed to me that him and Nine had done something sexual together. I asked him if they had done it while me and Nine were still together. He said yes. We hadn’t broken up yet. I really didn’t care. I was in 2we1ve mode. I was humble. NOWif this was true that she had done something with him, before I broke it off with her, then our marriage was over before I broke it off. She had violated the marriage. If she did, God knew before me. Our relationship was done. I didn’t feel like I should have had any more patience for her, and feel that’s why I couldn’t find the strength, even though I didn’t know about what she had done. Whatever Kingdom material we were building would have been broken by that action, and I don’t think that is was what God wanted for me, to sit around and be uninformed of what was going on in my house. He wasn’t uninformed to it, if it did happened before I broke us up, and I wouldn’t assume that he would have me ignorant of it either, at least not to be living with her as if nothing was wrong, because he did allow me to be ignorant of it for a while, and I’m sure he had his reasons for that. I also think of my ultimate lesson from her doing that, me knowing now, and still being willing to take her back. I don’t believe I was supposed to fall away from him though. I don’t believe I was. He had looked out for me, by allowing, in some way, that both of the people that I chose to walk with me in his promise, be exposed in their lies.NOW I told Tee that it was cool, and that I forgave him. He went on to tell me about another guy. The whole time, I believed that she wasn’t doing anything. I believed that she would tell me before she brought that to the bed. She didn’t. I forgave it all. I was one of 2we1ve, what was I supposed to do?(retor)
Before I left Tee, I gave him some of my writing and poetry from throughout my life, so that he could read them and draw strength from them. I gave him all the ones that I didn’t have copies of, because I didn’t have time to write them over. I figured he knew how important they were to me, and he would take care of them. I told him to take care of them. I knew that doing time wasn’t going to be easy for him, and I also knew how those writings had gotten me through hard times.
I wanted him to succeed, for himself if not for 2we1ve. I told him that I had taken the message to another level, not that what I had told him was wrong, but that it was elevated and more clarified. I explained it to him, and he said he Ud.
I left the jail, and was on my way to see Kew. He was in Easley SC. I was going to have to walk from Hinesville GA, to Easley SC. I had put my mission on hold, until I got to him. I know that I was going to begin again after I made it to him. I guess after evaluating my situation. I first had to make it through the journey of getting to Kew. I had to see what it felt like to be around him, and I had to check to see what vibe I was getting from the situation, so that I could find out if I should be pursuing it or not.
I was dropped off by a lady that worked for the county jail. We talked, having a light conversation as we drove. She was taking me outside the city limits, because I had been band from that city by the judge. When she let me out the car, she was about to hand me something. Out of natural instinct, I reached before I thought about what it might be. I grabbed it without thinking. I now had 20 dollars in my hand, and it registered to me that I wasn’t supposed to be using money on this trip. I tried to give it back. Of course she wouldn’t take it back. I wrote in down in my Bible as a deed done, so that later on in my success, I could find her. I was going to hold on to the money and never spend it.
She left. I walked to the payphone and called Debra. I told her that I was out and that I was about to walk to Easley. She offered some kind of assistance. I had to refuse. I was off to Easley. I took the nearest exit and started walking down the highway. After a while, a guy in an army uniform, slowed and gave me a ride. Since I didn’t ask him for a ride and wasn’t looking for one, I accepted. I wasn’t wanting for any assistance, but I took what was offered. I looked at it as confirmation to me that by me not wanting, God would make sure I had what I needed. The guy dressed in army clothes took me as far as he was going and then I was back to walking. It was daytime. I walked until nighttime. I was going to walk until I tired. It was COLD. I took a break up under a bridge and continued walking.
A police officer stopped and told me that it was illegal to be walking on the highway. He told me to get in the car. He took me to one of those break areas. Since I could no longer walk on the highway, I called and accepted the assistance that my mom had offered. I thought about how long it might have taken me to get to Kew going through cities, and chose not to take that route. The plan was to get to Kew, to see my son, and continue with my mission. I hadn’t planned on traveling through all of these towns before finally seeing my son. I wasn’t going to be on the mission in the meantime, so it seemed like I would be wasting time. I didn’t ask, but a man gave me a ride to the nearest town, and there was a bus station there.
I was going to take that bus to get to Easley. When I got to the town where the bus station was, it was still nighttime. I didn’t have anywhere to lay while I waited until the morning to come so that I could get on the bus, and it was still COLD. I wandered around for a while trying to figure out what to do. It was too late to be knocking at peoples doors, plus I wasn’t at that point of the mission yet, and wasn’t ready to risk it. I sat in a restaurant and was going to wait until the morning in there. I sat there COLD, plus I hadn’t eaten since my release earlier that day. I couldn’t ask for anything, and I couldn’t spend the money that the lady had given me. I was hoping someone would ask me if I wanted something to eat. Even if they did, I was going to turn them down, because I didn’t feel like it had been long enough since I had eaten. I knew God wasn’t going to let me starve before I got to Kew. I sat at a table and placed my bag on the floor next to me, with the Bible showing, so that people would know who I was with, so that they would assume that I was a man of God. I didn’t do it so that it would increase my chances of getting something to eat, because I was going to turn them down anyway. An old whit couple came in and sat in front of me. After a while, the waitress came and told me that they offered me a meal. They asked me if I wanted anything, and I said no. I told them that I appreciated it. The lady at the restaurant told me that I wasn’t going to be able to sit there much longer. When my time was up, I left and went wandering again until I found some tractors where some work was being done. I went and sat on one of them. It wasn’t closed up, but it was better than the cold ground. I relaxed as much as possible. It got annoying, because it was COLD and I was restless. I thought about the gas station, and MeMed that it had a stall in it. If I could get to the stall, then I could sleep there until the fast food opened up in the morning. I could sit in the fast food until it warmed up. That is exactly what I did.
While waiting on the bus to get there the next day, I looked around in shops and stores to pass my time. I looked around in a little Cider shop, and the lady gave me a drink to take with me. I wrote and down, and wasn’t going to drink the cider, but keep it as a remembrance.
While waiting on the bus, there were some houses not far from it. I figured that it wouldn’t hurt to get a little practice in. I don’t MeM anybody coming to any of the doors. I didn’t knock on anything more than a few. I was still waiting on the bus and a lady tried to give me money. I was prepared this time. I didn’t accept, but I wrote her down as well.
I got on the bus, and I made it to Easley. Either Debra or Snoop had bought the ticket. After getting to the bus station in Easley, I still had a long way to go, until I would get to where Kew was, and it was walking from here on out. I called Nine and asked her for directions. I told her I was on my way. As I walked, it started to get COLD. It was daytime when I left the little town, and it was daytime when I arrived in Easley. I continued on, plugging my nose with some tissue, because it kept running. The tissue obstructed my breathing. It was a rotation between one arm holding my bag, the other arm in my shirt, putting the tissue in my nose, and pulling it out. Then I would change arms. It was dark eventually, and I was walking a hill. The road that this hill was on must have been an illegal road to walk on. An officer stopped me and took me to the nearest gas station, saying that I couldn’t be walking on the road.
Earlier I had gotten stopped by some mormans. They offered me a gift card. I don’t think I took it. I told them that somebody else could use it more than me. I explained to them that I was on a mission and that I was headed to see my son.
When I got to the gas station the lady working there, told me that I could get a free cup of coffee. By this time, I had called Nine and asked her directions to her house from the gas station. She told me that her mom, her, and Kew, were on their way to get me. I sat and waited. When they arrived, I was humble. I really didn’t even want to get in her mom’s car, or see her mom, but I wasn’t going to start anything.
When I saw Kew, I was surprised because he was black, and had come out white.
I met one of Nine’s associates while I was up there, we talked a little, and he told me, “my conviction is not for everybody”. I took that to heart and Ud him, but I didn’t hold on to it. I agreed and believed, but his words were lost along the way.
Now that I had seen Kew, and in the process, met her pastor, who wasn’t in agreement with my mission, it was time to figure out what I was going to do.
I didn’t stay with Nine and her family that night, I left and sat at a super market that stayed open for 24 hrs.
One of Nines’ aunts had given her some money for me to get some under clothes or whatever I may have needed. I told Nine to keep it, because if I kept it, I couldn’t do anything with it. I think she bout me something with it.
Nines mom got us a room, instead of me staying at the store all night. Earlier somebody had mentioned something about a homeless shelter that I could go in. I asked Nine if she would go into the homeless shelter with me, so that we could get some help, so that we could be together, and not have to depend on anybody, and I was going to be looking for jobs in the meantime. She wasn’t down. I had planned on looking for a job, while that process was underway, and preaching in that area for the time that I wasn’t allowed in the shelter for the day. I just wanted it to be us, and I didn’t want to be involved with her family. The fact that she was okay with me being homeless by myself, and missing out on Kew’s life, as long as she had a place to stay, hurt me. I just didn’t U want kind of wife I had. NOWthough we weren’t really back together, but in my letter to her while I was locked up we were going to try and make something workNOW How was that acceptable to her? I knew God would work it out for us, if she would just try with me. I wasn’t pressing her to do any 2we1ve stuff, but I wanted us to be together. I wanted to be allowed the opportunity to raise my son. NOWI don’t know what my exact thinking was that made me choose to go back with Snoop, but I chose that, rather than staying where Nine was at. Maybe it was me thinking about being settled to where I could raise my son. I wasn’t putting him before the mission, but felt that they both went hand and hand. So now, where I had in mind that I wasn’t going to deal with money, I needed a job to support my wife and kid.NOW My thinking was that , if I didn’t support them, I wasn’t acting properly as a man of God.
I went to stay with Snoop again. NOWsmh.NOW This wasn’t my plan. I hated going back to my family. I felt they viewed it as my failure. It seemed, to me, because I was with them, they thought I needed them. If they never offered a hand, I would’ve been fine without them. NOWKnowing that assistance has been offered, choosing or not choosing to take it, is a testing within itself.NOW
Jackie said that she would help me go get Kew and Nine, Nine had agreed to come stay with me and Snoop. We weren’t on 2we1ve terms. I was. She was just my wife now. I didn’t want any problems. There was a problem. I couldn’t find a way to act like we were on the same page spiritually when we weren’t. The bond wasn’t there. I wasn’t refraining from it on purpose. I just couldn’t feel it. We were sociable though, there was just that extra spark missing.
Snoop had a man that had a problem with my presence in some way. It seemed I was causing problems with them, so I packed and moved to Debra’s house again. I had gotten a job while at Snoops’. God was always making sure that I got what I asked for, as long as I was walking in my mission. Something happened with the housing situation at Debra’s and we ended up back at Tyrones, again. NOWthese were all place I would never have went back to if I hadn’t of went back to Go and started over. Since I asked God for a clean slate, I assumed it best to not treat them as if they had a past that I should judge them on, when it came to treating me as I would treat them.
Nine wanted to try out being 2we1ve again. I assumed it was because she knew that it was the only way to my heart whenever I was a man of God. We talked about the requirements again, and everything was agreed upon. She first had to read the whole bible, and explain what she was learning. While I was working, she didn’t have any obligations. She was to take care of Kew, read the Bible and workout. NOWyou would think that a person could find happiness in thatNOW I was out trying to build a future for us, getting us out of others houses, and it wouldn’t have been long. I was working, we were together, and taxes would be coming eventually. I only needed her to be a help to me, by taking care of our son, and maintaining.
I wasn’t all over her, as far as being the closest went, but we had a decent bond, based upon her effort. I was working again, which I hated, and then I had to come back to the house and deal with some kind of complaining and unhappiness from her about something. I didn’t get it. We were straight. We haven’t even been down long. She hadn’t even allowed a yr to look at progress, before she complained about things about me, her not being able to do much, and her being tired of being in the house. I was glad she was in the house. As far as I was concerned, she couldn’t keep her legs closed. She needed to be right where she was. I wasn’t holding all the things she had done against her. I was just tired. I worked, and I trained for basketball, so that I could benefit us all in that manner.
I wasn’t even training 3 months, and a door had opened. It wasn’t long before our situation, closed that door. I MeM she was doing a workout that day. After she told me that she couldn’t do anymore pushups, I told her to “try”. She said that she couldn’t to anymore. I said, “what if our relationship depended on it, what if I said you were going to lose me, if you didn’t at least try”. She made a smart comment. NOWwhich I know her for makingNOW I was just saying something at that moment. I wasn’t really serious about my comment of her losing me if she didn’t try, but it was her comment that forced my decision, not that I even had it in my heart to take it that far. She something like,” if you are going to leave or mess up our relationship over a push up, then oh well”. I think I said to her again, “ so you not even gonna try”. She said no. NOWeven if I didn’t ask her that last part, she had said enough to make me decide what I did from that day forwardNOW
I said something, not to let her know that I had given up on her. Afterwards, I just walked away. I didn’t ask her to do anything else from that day forward. I was still holding to being a man of God though. From that second after the conversation about the push ups was done, I had no plans of really being with her. I felt like we were done, with the statement that she had made.
I don’t even think we had sex after that. I pretty much paid her no attention, but I wasn’t being up front with what all the lack of attention meant. NOWin my mind, I had made a decision, which I believed I wouldn’t go back on. Given time I could have changed my mind. I always didNOW The trying of the push ups were so important, because by this time, I had realized that we could only try to love. As long as we were doing that, how could God be upset with us for not being perfect?(retor) That was as long as we tried. To try and to fail was okay, but to not even try, showed a side of her that I knew was not of God, was not of love, didn’t have the proper intentions, and to me, showed that she no longer valued what was once worth trying for. She had lied to me again. I was all out of my element again. Before she had chosen to try 2we1ve, this last time before the push up incident, I was fine with her never trying 2we1ve again. NOWI Ud things all too well, but was never prepared for the failure of another person that I tied myself to. Well, maybe it was my misUing. She didn’t fail as my wife. She had failed in trying to be one of 2we1ve. She tried, and failed, so maybe I should have just said, “okay, you’re not ready. Back to the way things were. I got so tied up in what success could be, that I was BLINDED by my own SELFISHNESS. I would tell Nine about that blindness and selfishness stuff later in life. I mentioned it to her all the time. I wanted something that bad. Even though I wanted it for the Kingdom, it was a want that was out of my control, which meant to chase it, allowing it to affect me negatively, was selfish, because I got so tied up in my want that I lost track of the ultimate goal, which was for me to maintain my spirituality, always showing my light through the things I had learned, applying my strength, fully to the things that were in my control, and to let my conviction be my own. She was freed from having to be 2we1ve if she tried and failed. I was supposed to be okay. I was supposed to stand and respect that she even tried, because to U the things that I did, I had many trials to experience, and if it hadn’t of been for God, I wouldn’t have been able to U the things that I had, and only in his time, because he is the one who allows Uing of things in his Kingdom. I was supposed to be humble as her husband, as a teacher, and as a member of 2we1ve. Even though her failure was in her choice to longer try, it wasn’t in no longer trying us. It was in no longer trying 2we1veNOW
When I was locked up in Hinesville, I had a dream that I was locked up. Well, I was in jail when I woke up. It seemed so real. I said to myself, as I sat on the edge of the bed, “why do I have to go back to jail? I’m done what I have to do here. I don’t find any benefit in being in jail.” I shook it off. I still mentioned to Nine when we were at the hotel in Easley. It weighed on me that much.
Now that I had set my mind against Nine, and her even being able to make me happy. My eyes were on a prize that I had met that worked with me.
“Christopher Robins” (Scoshush), a skinny white guy I met at work, that was taking the Godly walk, was about to slip away from his walk, dealing with some girls. By slip I mean sexually. I had my eye on him for being a member of 2we1ve. He was the kind of guy that you would want to have on your team, and he was young. I could tell that he had sort of an admiration/curiosity for my mission, as I explained what I had gone through, where I was at, and what I was going through in my marriage. He tried to keep me focus, reminding me that it had taken God some time to get me, and I should allow her time as well. I didn’t want to hear that. I had my reasons as to why I could bail. God would forgive me. I felt Scoshush when he spoke, and it paused me for a second, but his thinking wasn’t as complicated as mine, so that he could tare sown the thinking that I had built for why my, situation with God, was different than, mine and hers together. I just wanted a way out so bad. I just wanted to be free. I just had to make sure I held in long enough to set up a proper base for my son.
Scoshush caught me ranting about a situation at work, which was out of my character. He said,”I never heard you rant like that”. I was reminded this young man was watching me. He was watching me, expecting me to be a man of God in my actions, holding to what I had stated that I represented. I felt ashamed. My life was falling apart again. I tried my best to remain strong, or at least seem as such, so that I could be a motivation to him.
When I finally made up in my mind that it was over between me and Nine, I might have mentioned it to him, but I don’t think I did. I know that by the time I had no longer chosen to live as a man of God, I didn’t tell him. I quit working. Working was a situation that I could only maintain for someone else. I didn’t care enough to have my time be unappreciated for any amount of money, most definitely if the amount of money wasn’t worth my time. I took what I had, after taking Nine and Kew to her mom, and enjoyed life until I would have to ask help from somebody because of hitting rock bottom.
I was a sinner. I wasn’t trying to preserve my life as a sinner. I took all risk and enjoyed every moment.
I had planned on staying with Nine still, even though I had given up on her. I still hadn’t given up on us raising our son. I was still a man of God.
I had always gotten on Nine about erasing text messages. It seemed flaw to me, as if she had something to hide. She never stopped. I never had anything to hide, until this night. There was this girl at work that I was attracted to. After finalizing being done with Nine, I wanted to get to know her/spend time with her. I wasn’t ready to break my vow to 2we1ve just yet, but I wanted to enjoy the company of a nice girl. I had texted her and asked her if she wanted to shoot pool. She didn’t text back. Me and Nine shared a phone. I had texted her when I got off work. When I got in from work, I just wanted to sit in the tub, wash, lay down and go to work the next day. I didn’t want to deal with any of the drama Nine had for me after a long day of cart pushing, which usually took place in the sun. When I got in, I sarted running my water. Nine ran in the bathroom with Kew and locked the door. Whether this was before or after the text from the girl came in saying, “ not tonight”, I don’t know. Nine was up to bother me tonight. I wasn’t going to explain the text to her. I hadn’t done anything wrong, nor did I have any bad intentions. If I would have told the truth, there were going to be problems, and if I would have left it at that, it was going to be the same thing. I didn’t feel I needed to explain. Nine said, “ I thought you said, don’t erase text”, as if she had stopped. The only text that showed up was the one that the girl had just sent. I had erased the previous text. I chose not to play the game with her about the phone, or the tub. I lied down naked, because I was about to get in the tub, but since it would have meant playing her game, I chose to just go to sleep. She came out saying, “ the water is still in there, go wash”. I told her it was alright. I was just going to go to sleep. She wouldn’t leave me alone. She kept pulling the covers from over my head. I got up, put some clothes on, and was just going to go get away from her, think, and relax. She wouldn’t let me out the door. I knew in my head, because we had already had a slight scuffle over the keys, which was more than what I was used to, that me getting out of the door was going to be too much.
I made up in my mind that it was over at that point. I couldn’t come in from work to peace. We had to fight about me trying to get away from her aggravating me. I was going to have to fight her if I wanted to get out of the door. She was satisfied with living like this. This was what her relationships were like. I wasn’t about to become that kind of man, so that meant it was over for me. I had to ship her off, and unfortunately that meant that Kew had to go with her, because it would have been an even bigger fight if I would have tried to get rid of her and keep him. I took her to her moms’ house that same night, Augusta to Easley. NOWshe was willing to let me ship her off, but not to let me walk out the door and get away for a whileNOW
It was downhill from there. I was away from my original mission, which was my son, being around and raising him. That strength was gone. Kew was gone. I was a wreck and had failed again. I accepted my failure and made my way back into the world. I had to reset. I was never able to deal with failure. I had to asses my damages from the beginning. I had to go back and do it all over again. There was something I missed. NOWif you fail, it is risky to try and continue from where you failed. There could have been a block where you fell at, but your base could also have faults. You could end up rebuilding the spot that was broken, and end up falling lower than before, then having to build that over because a spot lower than that wasn’t built properly. The best thing to do is start over with the new mind, and build. This way you will just build/fix quicker. I never had that strength afterwards. It was so thrown off by my failure that I had to go hide in my sin, be comforted by it, enjoying in, because I had so much prideNOW
As a sinner I remained a person that didn’t violate the value of a human being any more than they chose to violate themselves, because I still knew who I was. I knew that I would have to answer for, and it was Ear to do. I would bother those who bothered me. I would push my sin to the ultimate level this time around, because I knew that whatever I chose to do, sin, or not sin, that I couldn’t waiver in either of them. I couldn’t learn/be shown anything in wavering.
I wasn’t done sinning, but I needed help. I didn’t want to ask anybody but my brother Taur for help. He was the only brother that could help me at this time, because he was the only one in a situation that would allow him to. He was the only one that I didn’t mind bothering. I could have called Silly, but I didn’t want to bother him. I wanted success to be the topic next time I saw Silly. I didn’t want it to be like this. I had messed up his life enough, and he wasn’t even obligated by any history, to do anything for me. Taur on the other hand, I always expected the most from him and all my brothers. I don’t know what Yel was up to then. We wasn’t that close, because he wasn’t around, or I didn’t get to chill with him, since I had been back in town. I couldn’t go to Daj, because that would have to be Okayed by Mr and Mrs, plus he had a girl staying with him at the time, as far as I MeM.
I had made my rounds through Tyrone, Debra, and Snoop. Grammy didn’t know how bad it was, and I wasn’t begging anybody. It ended up being that Taur helping me was out of his hands. He had done as much as he could do. He would have continued, but I took the choice away from him. I was imposing on him, as a sinner, and that wasn’t an act of me being, “real”. If I had been a man of God and was imposing, then I could have dealt with that. It would have been for a just reason. I told Taur if things didn’t work out by Friday, that I was going to jail. I hadn’t figured out what I was going to do, but it was going to be something small, just to get in like before. NOWfamily might give me a hard time, but jail was always happy to accommodate. I had no idea that I had just spoken words that would prepare my mind for jail period. I had spoken the words out of my mouth, and that meant to me, that I was okay with it happening.NOW I Ud the possibility. I was prepared to go, even though I didn’t know what I would be going for.
I had gotten a call saying that the police were looking for me. NOWeverybody wants to know what happened. I know what happened. Even the people I told what happened don’t know what happened. We just gonna keep it like that. Let me say that whatever happened that night I know exactly what happened, and no people that I was cool with had anything to do with it. I was going to jail, for a home invasion, possession of a pistol, and some other charges that when added up, I could do 100+yrs.NOW
This wasn’t quite what I had in mind when I said I was going to jail. I was thinking more like a misdemeanor, like last time. When I got to ACDC, I had a decision to make, not that I feared anything that was going to happen to me, but I was a sinner at the time. I didn’t know how long I was going to be there, and had to decide in an instant, how I wanted to do this time, as a sinner, or as a man of God. I didn’t like to suffer, and not have a reason that benefitted. I said to myself, “ if I walk through this door as a sinner, I risk going through/doing all the things that a person who doesn’t know God would go through/do. If you walk through these doors as a sinner, you will have to be ready to be the worst sinner that you can be at any time, from taking a tray, shanking a person, or killing them without hesitation.” The decision to be that ultimate sinner in that confined area, was not worth it. It wasn’t in my heart, and it was at that time, being faced with my character being a constant harm to people, that I didn’t value the life of a sinner enough to not give my life back to God. I knew that at least if I gave my life to God, I would have his respect, and anything that I went through would be for an ultimate reason, while I had the opportunity to help people. I chose 2we1ve again, not for protection, but because it held the greater value when weighed up against sin in this situation.
When I was in 2we1ve mode, I would never get back with Nine. I was forgiven for that. I had figured that it wasn’t up to me to try and fix the past. I could now chase God, preach the word, and whatever happened with this jail situation, would just happen. NOWI had no idea what I was getting myself into, again, walking by faith. I was about to learn more. I thought I knew it all. I was about to go through more, and I thought I had been through it all.NOW I was ready. I changed my mindset and was in 2we1ve mode from that second on.
The way I spoke and responded to people when I was 2we1ve didn’t quite go along with the jail system, as I had learned before. NOWthis was a different jail system, a different crime, and different people that I would be around. There is a different mind frame of person with a felony versus a misdemeanor, in some cases. There would also have to be a difference in the way that they were handledNOW I think I was classified to go to the dorm, C2, but because the officers felt like I was disrespecting them, they moved me to C3, which was more of a dorm for punishment. They just weren’t used to my thinking, and they spoke to me in ways where I could only respond certain ways, not in violence, but it seemed rebellious to the system. It was.
In C3 you share a room with someone. I broke the Message down to a young guy that was in my cell. He Ud it, but we were only around each other for a few days, before they came and moved me to C1. C1 was a dorm where you lost all privileges. I hadn’t even done anything else since I got to C3. I guess a write up, or the word of my behavior made it to someone, and there I was, on a worst punishment.
I protested everything. I was against the system, and I wasn’t out to make my stay easy. I was out to expose their error in mistreating people and to suffer whatever I could without fighting them with violence. I filed grievances every day, and never settled for any wrong doing regardless of the consequences I might face. Every time I did something and thought that they couldn’t get any crueler, I was shown otherwise. I slowly found myself being tortured, wishing that I would just go with the flow. Then I said, “what, d I stop now, because I’m suffering, Jesus suffered more”. I was going to push until I couldn’t push any more. Next thing I knew, I was in a room with a thin yellow cloth for clothes, no mattress or sheets, no socks, and it was COLD. The water in my room was off. I was getting two sandwiches for breakfast and dinner, along with some cookies, and nothing to drink. I said to myself, “I think that’s it. There isn’t anything else I can do.” Before I had gotten to that point, I heard a bag drop on the floor in my room. I walked over to get it, bent over, picked it up, and as I stood there, I had a déjà vu. I had flashed back to when I was locked up in Hinesville and had a dream that I was in jail. This was it. I had been warned all along. NOWeither that was where I was going if I couldn’t get it together, or I was coming here regardlessNOW I took it to mean that I was right where I was supposed to be. That gave me the strength to continue on through whatever was going to happen. I eased my mind and accepted that I was here for a reason.
PART 6, Message of Love
I’m at the point where I’m trying to figure out what else can I do. I came up with climbing the gate in the dorm, and holding myself up there in the cross position until I tired. I was going to have to be as quick and nonchalant as possible, because I was only let out to wash, and that was with leg shackles on. It was set up perfectly. I came out with my towel around my waist as usual. Instead of going towards the shower, I went towards the stairs. I got up on the fence, and held my position. Of course they assumed that I was up there to jump. They didn’t U, but I explained to anyone who asked when they came to take me down. I was putting myself on the cross. I wasn’t trying to commit suicide. I was going to come down when I got tired. In my brain, there was no safe way for them to get me down, so I had the chance to stay until I couldn’t any longer. Then came their plan. They told me that they were going to shock me with a taser. I thought, “ this wasn’t part of the plan, a taser”. I was just supposed to hold my cross, come down, and finish my suffering in that little room. I was real close to saying, “alright”, but I thought. I asked myself, ”if I had really put myself through all that I could, was I playing it safe”? This was my chance. Jesus didn’t come down, and neither would I.
I had never been shocked before, but I figured how bad can it be. NOWI had been set up again. I didn’t sign up for that. God had tried meNOW I held my post while they tied my arms to the fence so that I wouldn’t fall after they tazed me. Somebody asked me one more time. NOWI may have even showed out a little and said, “Lord forgive them for they know not what they do”. It seems like I said it.NOW I closed my eyes and lift my head up to God. I didn’t respond to the man when he asked/gave me my last chance. Then……………………POW!!!!! It hit me. I felt my body lose control. I MeM telling myself, “I did it”. I was paralyzed to any kind of emotion, my brain just worked, and I was trying to forget the pain, and hold it in. I stayed still, quite, and focused in my brain as they lay me on the table. I felt the nurse pull, what seemed to be a staple from out of my back. That’s where they hit me with the taser. They carried me to the bed and laid me there. They asked me to take some pills. I wasn’t taking any pills. The pills were o help with the shock, but I could have died there for all I cared. She warned me if I didn’t take the pills that she was going to give me a shot. I cringed on the inside. I hated shots. I was still lying motionless on my stomach on the metal bed. When she gave me the shot in the ass, I told them, NOWmaybe I said it to myself, but it seems that I would have wanted to stuntNOW “it wouldn’t be complete without the shot”. It was like saying, it is finished. NOWI looked at that as being the last of 3 piercings. I assumed that the taser pieced me twice, and then the needle, but I could have been wrong about the taser.NOW
They put me on suicide watch. I eventually got my stuff back. I was done bucking the system. I was being starved. The young man that I had given the Message to through the vent was gone. They came and asked me if I would sign the extradition papers. I agreed to sign, because people who came through, said that you eat better in Ga. NOWI was taking my Message to a another level every day, and with every lock up I was able to think more clear, and elevate more than I thought that I would be able to. The Message wasn’t flawed, but I guess you can say flawed, if you were referring to it being incomplete. I always figured that since I was steps above everyone else, that I was finished. I never tried to just sit and perfect the Message, because it seemed fine to me. There was always something popping up that could be used to better explain and format it. I would format it, find better explanations, and take it to a better/ closer definition of what love was. I would do this on my stay in Richmond County, where I was headed. Even then, I wouldn’t finish its explanation. I wouldn’t take it to its best explanation/definition, until just recently, where serving time for child support, I topped it off.NOW
When I got upstairs to my floor in 401(county jail), I wasn’t scared but I was trembling inside because I thought I was about to be pushed around, maybe even beaten by these guys that had pressed me as soon as I got through the door. I thought I was going to have to go through people taking food off my trays, or just beating me up because they wanted to. I was no violent, so there wasn’t going to be anything I could do about it. This situation, and its’ vibe was new to me. I thought to myself, ”what did you get yourself into”. I held my peace while being question by these guys that was surrounding me. I answered their question, and soon came to find that they weren’t a threat. NOWthey may have just wanted to see if I knew any of the people that they did, or if I came in with any drugs, etc. It was the way of that dorm, and other dormsNOW.
I ran into the same issue that I ran into while in Hinesville county. I got bored, and no one wanted to hear the message at the rate that I assumed. I was sitting in jail. I made up in my mind that I wasn’t going to try and get out of jail until I had finished my mission. I didn’t fill out any paperwork, get a public defender, or anything. I was just doing the time. No progress towards my release was being made. I knew they didn’t have any evidence on me, and if they did, then something was wrong. I wasn’t worried about any of the case matters, just my mission, the message, and reaching as many people as I could.
Gambling became an issue again. I came up with a way that was supposed to make the game more about fun than losing. It was my way of learning from the last time, and doing things different. It didn’t work. I got jumped on by this one guy, because he was losing to me/he was down on the charts as far as things he had lost. NOWI was wrong though. Somehow in my mind, I had made it alright to take a man’s food, knowing that he was losing food from his meals.NOW He had to pay to play. I did set the rules to where you could only play for so much of your food, then you would have to wait until next week. NOWIt was still wrong. My brain worked against me when I was bored. Then I had to deal with people not listening to meNOW. I accepted my enemies being a footstool because I felt like I was starving. I didn’t fight him back. I let him get whatever he wanted to get in. I just blocked what I could. I had to maintain nonviolence, what I was preaching and what the whole dorm knew me for, 2we1ve.
They moved me to the dorm across from that one. No one played poker over on the other side, so that part of gambling wouldn’t even be an issue to fight against. I had called my mom, for something. It wasn’t for money, but next thing I knew, I had 25 dollars come in. She had sent me some money. I was already going through enough temptations. I didn’t need any money, and didn’t want any. I wasn’t supposed to have any on my journey. I figured I would use it for the best. I opened up a bank, where people could borrow money. Whether they paid back or not, was up to them. I just warned them that it was the churches money.
I ended up playing Tunk, which was another card game that I knew nothing about. I was supposed to be playing this game for fun. I had a couple dollars from somewhere. I wasn’t playing with the churches money. I just wanted something to do to past time. Nobody wanted my Knowledge, Uing, or anything I ad to offer. I wasn’t being patient. I hadn’t found a way to use my time wisely. I always resulted to doing what the world was doing. I ended up getting in the hole while playing Tunk, and figured just one more hand. I knew I had the churches money, so I kept playing. When I went to pay up, losing all the churches money, it wasn’t in my room. Somebody had stolen it. I ended up allowing the boys to jump on me. I had stopped playing once I knew I had just enough to cover my losses. I could have easily beaten them, but I knew I was wrong. I told them that I was going to pay them as soon as I could talk to my peoples, but they couldn’t wait. They thought I had run some kind of game on them, and didn’t have the money to start with. They wanted to jump on me, and get paid. I found that I wasn’t as humble as I thought I was. I wasn’t having that. They thought I was scared, and they wanted to take advantage. I didn’t like for people to think that I was scared. I was a man of God. I didn’t have any fear. I wanted people to U the things that I did, so that God could get the glory from it.
Just to show them that I wasn’t scared, and I wasn’t about to allow them to beat me, and get paid, I called everyone out that had anything to say while I had myself behind the cell door. When I finally opened my mouth to be about action, nobody wanted any problems. I then announced to them, “I don’t fight, and I will not fight. I’m going back in my room, not because I’m scared”.
I don’t MeM exactly when, or the who, but in giving my Message, somebody tried to combat it by directing me to 1st Corinth chapter 13. I read it, and thought,”hey, why haven’t I used this”. It verified my Message. I would incorporate that into the Message, and now I had more firepower than I had before I came to 401. I had my trials, and I also had some times where I stood up as a man of God while in 401. I’m not going to get into the details.
NOWmy experiences in life, seemed that they led up to me trying to live as Jesus, getting a better Uing of the Father, Uing what he would have done in any situation, and doing my best to carry it out. I was never able to humble myself as much as I thought I could while I was outside of lock up, in the world. I was always a bit uppity because of what God was showing me. Jail was my learning place. I would always be tested, bringing out flaws that I didn’t think I had. I would always be hushed to the point of hearing myself think, allowing the Holy Spirit to converse with me on my thought process. I trusted no one, so God could really use anyone to teach me. I had to learn on my own. I learned everything the hard way, not that I had to, but I was big headed. I failed only because I wasn’t being taught by anyone. If I had someone to teach me, I would have listened. I longed for the truth, but nobody I knew, Ud what I knew, so who was going to teach me?(retor) I was built to hold the truth and nothing else. I couldn’t stomach the fake. I never knew for sure, if what I was being taught through the Holy Spirit was right or wrong. I had to try all angles. I had to learn to discern through the Holy Spirit, what was right and what was wrong. By me not being taught by any man, watching positive come from what I was learning, it increased my faith. I was built solely off of my faith in God. That faith couldn’t be toyed with. The setup of that was mastered by the Father, with him insuring that it never be brokenNOW
After a year of holding my own as 2we1ve, having my set back, learning and preaching the message, I said to myself that I was done. My time at 401 was done. I had been around the majority of the jail, preached and was rejected by the majority. My message was formatted and mastered. It was time to face the world. An incident with some other people that believed in God probably sparked that decision. They held little church session. I followed these men in their studies and supported them. I did anything wrong to them. One day they approached me, dogging me out about my Message, and my intent. There saying things, referring to me possibly being the antichrist. I was blown away. I didn’t get it. I had his word. I knew it was truth. My mannerisms around them, if they were out of order, couldn’t have been that out of order. Who could U the Message then? Why did he give it to me, if I’m going to keep getting called the antichrist? I believed in the same God that they did. When they approached me, I didn’t even try to fend for myself with words. I walked away, went to a private place, squatted on the floor against a wall and WEPT. I had to lock down because the hurt was overwhelming. I had given my life, my wife, and my kids. (Amaris, my daughter was born while I was in jail) In my walk, I would have suffered and died for those guys. They didn’t U. Their words hurt me the most because they were supposed to close to me, on a spiritual level. I lied on my bed and WEPT uncontrollably. It wasn’t just from that one situation. All the hurt was coming out. The mistakes I made, the people I lost, the things I gave up, and being in that current situation had beaten me. I was hurt. I had been hurting. I smiled daily for others, to give them hope. I WEPT and tried to hold it back. As I WEPT, the guys came in the room and rubbed my back, apologizing. I couldn’t look at them or speak to them. I continued on WEEPING as they explained themselves. I just lied on my stomach and faced the wall. I didn’t want to be there any longer. I was ready to die. I was ready to suffer. I had lived peacefully (sort of) in 401 for a while. I had eaten well, laughed, and gambled. It was too easy. I needed to be alone. I chose to put myself on lock down until I left 401.
Me and Nine were talking again. I don’t know what the terms were. I know that I did get to see her and Amaris while I was locked up. The Captain let them visit. We were trying to make sure that we Ud each other while I was locked up, so that things could go smooth when I got back to the house.
I had stopped getting letters from her. I figured it was because I was on lockdown, and the officers might have thought that I couldn’t get my mail. I made a deal with the captain that I would behave, if he gave me a Bible, some paper, and a pencil. I could work on my vocals while in my lockdown cell, and finish writing the breakdowns of the whole Bible. I was all alone in the lockdown area that I was in. It was wonderful. I had sent the format of the M.O.Le to my mom, along with the breakdowns of part of Revelations. She wasn’t supposed to open the breakdown that I sent her. It was for 2we1ve eyes only. It explains sides of the Bible that I saw with another eye. I warned her on the outside of the letter.
As soon as I got comfortable, people never stopped getting in trouble. There was always somebody around me. They were in separate cells, but they had the opportunity to communicate with me. This wasn’t in my plans. I wanted to be alone. No more preaching. No nothing. That ruined my plans. I stopped. I was aggravated by the noise and Ear conversations. I heard this one guy talking. I was interested in what he might have known about the world, but to find out, I would have had to risk falling away from order of 2we1ve. I calculated the risk, and chose to pursue. If it hadn’t of been for a dream that I had that showed me a side of him that was honorable, I would have never continued to deal with him. I took the dream to be of God and I continued on. I thought that I would be able to find some type of brotherhood/ loyalty with him, and also be able to share my Knowledge of 2we1ve with him, so that he could grow. It seemed to be beneficial to the Kingdom of God.
I was still 2we1ve, but I had opened the door to sin. I had been in lockdown for about 5 months. There was no T.V., or radio, just my Bible, and paper. I had the problem people coming through here and there to pass the time by. I was hurt again, and shocked, by Nine not writing. I tried to speak positively on the matter to people, but the held to her having a “Jody”. I never went with the negative before the positive. I believed the positive always.
Because I had opened the door to sin, if I was to go back upstairs, I might misrepresent 2we1ve, and end up doing a horrible job. I chose again to put 2we1ve to the side, and live the rest of my time out as a sinner. My mission there was done. The frustration of not hearing from Nine weakened. My plan was to just pursue 2we1ve after I left the jail house. I was chasing after whatever information this man had right now.
I didn’t tell any of my people on the outside that I was a sinner again. I chose to come from out the hole. When I got back upstairs, people who had met me before lock down, were like, ”what happened”. I told them that nobody was listening to me while I was doing it, so I just wasn’t doing it right now. I told them that I would get back to it. I felt bad saying that, having these dudes see me give up on what I stood for, seeing that they didn’t forget, and I actually had enough impact on them for them to speak on it. Me and Lex, the guy in the vision had gotten close. I was moved to the same floor as him when I got out. I found that everything he knew was nothing compared to 2we1ve. I had opened that door for no reason. I felt like I was set up by God because of that vision. It was thinking of Lex that made me choose to come out of lock down. I wanted to chill with him because we had built a pretty decent bond. I wanted to build with him, but I didn’t want to go up as 2we1ve, because I was upset with Nine and the people in the jail.
I sat around one day and said,” shit”!!!! I wasn’t 2we1ve, again, and even when I got out I didn’t plan on fully being 2we1ve. For a reason know to me, I was going to leave that door to sin open. Because I was leaving that door open, I felt that I had to compromise with Nine, where I had no plans of compromising if I would have gotten put in 2we1ve mode. I felt that getting me to open that door was the only way that God could get me to go back to Nine. I accepted that my curiosity killed the cat(me) for a positive reason. If it hadn’t of been for the vision, I wouldn’t have opened the door, and I would have remained in my mindset of not giving in to her. Because I was now sinning, how could I hold something against my wife? (retor) I had to forgive her, even though I failed by default. I was sinning. A sinner cannot ask another sinner to be righteous. A failure cannot be upset with another failure. I had Uing to Nine again, so, because God had allowed it, I had to try us out again. I was happy and sad. I was happy because a door had been opened for me to be with my family again, and sad because it would be under these new circumstances. NOWI had more to learn that I could only learn by being with my wife. The MOLe wasn’t done yet, but I thought for sure it was. God had to use drastic measures to move me, and place me in order to teach me. He had built me so strong, that it took his persuasion, and his strong hand full of “trickery” to reach me. The Uing he gave me, ruled my thinking, but I hadn’t learned to apply it to what he wanted me to apply it to. I was just great at applying it to the basics. There are so many levels to Gods thinking, and if he chooses to show you those, he will, one at a time, and in a barrage, but in no known time frame to you usually. I don’t think he is in a rushNOW
I was starting to prepare my case and get ready to go to trial. I knew it wouldn’t be long before I was going back to the world. Everybody said I was going to prison. “Lies don’t make no sense”- K.E.W. I didn’t see that. I never even thought it to be a possibility.
Nine eventually wrote me. She told me that she had been seeing somebody for about 5 months now. That was around the time the letters stopped. She said she didn’t know what to do. She said she needed to move on with her life, something like that. I wasn’t too happy about that. I was a sinner now, and she didn’t know that. I pretty much had in my mind to kill that nigga. I was getting out soon, real soon. I thought I was. She had him around my kids, and didn’t tell me anything. She had just left me to die in here, like I wasn’t ever getting out. It hurt. She couldn’t keep her legs closed for a day. I couldn’t wait to get out now.
Me and her were eventually back on the same terms that we were on before my lock down. We were looking forward to getting back together when I got out.
I never planned on taking a plea deal. I planned on taking it to trial, getting found not guilty, and the situation would be different than the one that I would be in if I would have taken a plea. Taking a plea NEVER crossed my mind. I took my case to trial and got 11 not guilty, 1 guilty. The judge still didn’t give me a bond. That meant that I would have to go do another trial on the same issue, at another time. This meant more time for me in jail, while I waited for the next trial. While I waited, I got in a situation that led to the officers, beating and torturing me. I was called to a status hearing while this process was still going on. At the status hearing they offered me a plea. I had no way of getting help on the outside. Since I was a sinner, I didn’t have the strength that I usually carried around as a man of God to hold me over until the next time I was set for trial. I couldn’t let myself walk away from that table without taking a plea. Not taking a plea meant going back to torture. I was hurt, beaten, weak, and I really didn’t have any more fight in me. I settled for a plea of 20 yrs probation and was released that night. This wasn’t the plan.
I was released and right back where I started, in need of someone’s help. I had no place to stay, no money, and no way to support my family. I had no idea while I was sitting waiting on trial that this would be the outcome. I thought that I would walk out a free man, move with my wife, raise our kids, and live happily ever after. I was on probation, and I didn’t know that it was going to prevent me from living with my wife. It was about her being in government housing, and them not allowing felons to stay where she was. We had to battle, once again through a difficult circumstance. I know that I needed to be there. She felt that I didn’t try hard enough to be there. I had tried. Then I was helping Snoop/ her aunt, and I was working in Aiken. I didn’t want to leave a job. It all was nothing like I planned.
I was trying to make it work, but I was so weak. It felt like I had gone through 2 yrs of trouble, and come out with nothing to show for it. I still had to kiss everybody’s ass. Nobody had changed, after being out about a couple weeks, everybody was the same, with no regard for what my mind and body had been through for almost 2 yrs. I was barely holding on.
I told Nine that I would never leave her. I made a promise, and put it on something that I couldn’t have been forgiven for. By 2we1ve, I could always leave, I could always be forgiven. That door that I opened to sin, allowed me to say that I would never leave, and I was going to hold to my word, because on some other level, dealing with other things, I didn’t want to seem fake. I felt like it was what God had wanted, and he knew that I was never supposed to leave my life anyway. I always found a way, through forgiveness asking for forgiveness, to leave her, so he devised a plan, where I would feel obligated to stay through anything that she did. I would have to experience all the pain that came with giving your life to someone, having them brutally use and beat you, and you still forgive them, accepting them, holding to your promise. I was prepared for that, and told her that she could do whatever she wanted. I wasn’t going to leave her again. She could leave me, but I would never leave her. She could leave and I would always take her back, no matter what. NOWit was in this promise that my Uing of the MOLe would be fulfilled. If everything would have gone as planned, with her being the model wife, I don’t know if I would have ever reached that level of UingNOW I blamed no one, from that point on for anything that had happened throughout my life, and dealing with the failure of my marriage. It was all necss.
Our relationship had gotten real “iffy”. She was way up in Easley, and I was in Aiken. We had space and our differences to deal with, but I wasn’t going anywhere. She called me one day and said that she wanted a divorce. I told her that,”it was cool, if that’s what she wanted to do”. So that’s where we were. Time had passed, we had both been through a lot. We had both learned a lot. I was willing, now, to forget about everything that had happened. It was time for us to get back together. I offered her, my humility, but she was with some guy at the time. She said,”she didn’t want to hurt his feelings”. She turned me down. I had some other thought in my head that were pushing me to make this plea to her, not just that I felt it was time. I literally begged her. I begged her not to continue on with this guy, that it was just an illusion, and it wasn’t going to last. In this moment she had me. I was in a begging state. I never begged. To me, the testing was over, everything that she would do from this pint on, wasn’t by any hardening of her heart to teach me a lesson. It was just her being selfish. I had always been the one leaving, or pushing her to leave. This time the shoe was on the other foot. I knew that I would never beg again. If she left me hanging, in my mind, we were done. I was done. I couldn’t see how this could be what was meant to be. She was choosing some man/lust over our family. I was going to kill them both. NOWfor other reasons that I am not disclosingNOW
She had made her decision. I had to finish my book first, of course. I was going to kill him and her. By this decision, I was giving up on my kids, and it showed me that I wasn’t able to hold to her doing anything, then taking her back. I thought that I just needed to have the mindset of taking her back for anything, so that I could learn. I learned, so I now I didn’t see why I still had to lose my family. I don’t MeM what the plan was for me after all this, but I know I promised myself that I wasn’t going to have her being with another guy, having him raise my kids while I was alive.
Their relationship ended, and I never did what I had planned on doing. There was no need for it. Now she was looking into us being in a relationship. I couldn’t see it. I had begged. I had begged promising a full compromise, and she turned me down for some guy who I assumed she just met. I had begged my brains out. I knew that I wasn’t going to live without my kids, and I didn’t have any more strength for 2we1ve. I was satisfied with never fulfilling 2we1ve. I took the message to be the main goal, and 2we1ve to be my own goal. I was begging for their lives as well as my own. I was going to kill myself if I had to live as a sinner, and not have my kids. I found no value in that lifestyle. I would have lost everything that I set out fighting for.
It didn’t add up to me. I had failed 2we1ve, and I didn’t have any strength to take her back when she wanted to, after I begged her not to continue on in what she was doing. I forgave everybody for anything that they had done to me in the past, because with my recent decisions, I failed my kids. I had the opportunity to say yes, like I said I would, and couldn’t muster up the strength I need to say yes. I couldn’t point any fingers at anyone.
I set a time for me to have my book finished, live, and enjoy my sinful life. Then I was going to kill myself. I couldn’t do it any longer. I had no more drive. I was too real for the world.
FINAL PART, 7, Message of Love
Somewhere in-between June and Sept, of 2013……..NOWI never thought that I would be on child support. In the middle of my suicidal time frame, she had placed me on it. I’m sitting in a jail cell in ACDC right now, as I finish writing this book.NOW I had made up my mind to die. I believed that I couldn’t die, unless I did it myself. I was ready to go, but I couldn’t go without doing what I was sent here to do first, write this book. I had to honestly reached highs and lows in life to learn important lessons. I didn’t reach these lows or highs, in search of fame or glory, to show out, or for attention. I was really going to kill myself, anytime on or maybe even before the date that I had planned, after I finished my book. I found no value in life. I didn’t feel that, as a failure, I was worth living. I found no one worth living for. I found no one that I would even trust to do right and benefit from me sticking around to help them. It wasn’t until I was lying on my, once again, after not having time to think while on the streets, thinking that I came to a conclusion. I was too busy on the streets, dedicating my life to others, and chasing after a life that may never be given to me. I lied there and realized/believed, whether it was true or not, that I deserved to be happy. I deserved to be forgiven. I had honestly given my life, as far back as I MeM, to everybody, never holding my own interest above these peoples’ interest. I had lived for the benefit of everybody I’d dealt with, never receiving the same loyalty in return. I had only let down the Father”. Still I hoped that it was by his voice, as I had lied there, not caring about my life, that he offered it back to me, and that he allowed me to see that I deserved to be happy.
NOWif given the chance to give my life to him again, I will, and I will serve him for the right reason. I will not look to offer my strength to any, where it would be used against me. I will not look back. I will not forget that I was dead, and where I was going to die, never being able again to taste of the sweetness of a cookie, he chose to have mercy on my heart. I give him the credit for the change in my thought process. If I live through my mess and die this time, it will be as a member of 2we1ve, regardless if I be the only one for as long as I live.NOW
My mind was clear enough, as I sat in the cell and preached the Message in person, as a sinner, for the last time. I took my Uing to another level when I hesitated to make my words to him official. I didn’t want to be to forward and scare him. I said to him after giving him the Message, “ the Message of Love is, that God loves. Whatever Love is, it is what he does. Love is doing what God asked you to do, and doing it perfectly, but even then, you only did what he asked you to do. To say,”I love…..” is for him to say. It’s what he does. It is a God act. It is his acts. When you believe this, you will never confuse another’s actions with the Flawless Acts of our God.”
NOWif I need to say it better. “I’M SORRY. FORGIVE ME”. I won’t say it/ask again. I stand in front of the world naked(my book). I’ve made myself naked to you all on my own account, not having to ever have done it. I could have hid. I have no more bondage of my on doing to offer. Because I didn’t get to live, being locked up early, I valued more of what living really was, by the time I got out. I had to want to die, in order to live. Some of you may never U what it’s like to want to die. It’s cool. I think because of not knowing what it’s like to want to die, you will not ever be able to appreciate life on the level that somebody who has wanted to die can appreciate it on. You will not U what it’s like to REALLY live.
There was always another level. There was always something I missed. Being that I was the one claiming to know it all. I always had to go back and apologize, or offer people another chance.
All the things that I looked at as being simple everyday parts of my life, were key to my success in being able to fulfill my purpose. (Shakespeare, Jesus, Jordan…….) What I’ve had in my heart may not be explainable to some, but now that I’m grown, I know that it has always been there.
If I would have been a believer my whole life, my belief would have been based on lies, setting me up to fall at any time, and get stuck.
It wasn’t necss for the Original 12 disciples to have this insight on Love. It was not as big a deal as it is today. We’ve gotten out of hand with our comprehensions of Love.
You have to get to a point where you are being “real”, not because of what a person is going to say, but solely because your conscious won’t let you be any other way. You have to get yourself to a point where, even if you were the only one to know, you couldn’t force yourself to be fake, or act out of order. It is part of Uing what God does for you. He answers to no one, still, in any deed done for us, any promise made, or in any act, he is held by his own conscious to keep his word, being God, regardless of our behaviors, holding to his promises in not condemning us, and Uing us.
For a second I had forgotten who I was. I liked forgetting who I was, that meant escaping my purpose, and being able to live a little. At times I would get caught up in my drift, and forget that I had given control of my life over to a power that never stopped operating. The whole time I worked against that power, while expecting to win, never winning. Everybody I was tied was bound by that same purpose, through me, and they didn’t even know it. It had taken me some time to figure it out.
I’ve experienced fake in all kinds of places. I won’t go so far to say that I’ve seen them all. In my walk with God/without, I was shown a side of the world that I was blind to thinking could exist. I found learning in my success, and in my failure. I thank God for opening my eyes and sharing himself with me. I’m not worthy of standing here today as a sinner, elevated, and in wonderful health. I accept the life given to me, and value it. I don’t take anything for granted and realize that none of my gifts are of my own doing, or were given to me because of some extraordinary work that I have done, but so that in/through my life, a better Uing of Love would come into the world.
God needed it to be verified that I was carrying the truth, which is why I feel I could have been allowed to open that door to sin, while in 401, along with needing me to get back with my wife, so that I could be taught and tried some more.
Before I wrote this book, everything you are about to hear, is pretty much what has been pieced together since I starting preaching the Message. I just decided that my life should be tied in with this Message. Now we finish it.
Okay, first we have to go back to the beginning, as far back as our brains will allow us to go, and to think on. We have to U that whatever words were back then, they are not the same today. Tree how we spell it, and pronounce it, was not how it was spelled or pronounced. Let’s say that God gave a name to something. Whatever it was that he gave a name to, I’m sure he also gave a definition to, and if he gave a definition to this thing, do you think that he would call something that had a different definition to it, the same thing as what he had given the first name to. For instance, if he said, “this wooden thing with little wooden things coming out of it, with these little green things, is a tree and this little furry thing with legs is a dog. Do you think at any time he would call the tree a dog, or the dog a tree? What would be the benefit of it? Unless maybe if he said it to himself, knowing what the differences were, but calling them whatever he chose. But what happens when other minds get involved? To call the tree a dog, and the dog a tree, after it is Ud that a tree is a tree by its definition, and a dog is a dog by its definition, would cause confusion, and therefore those statements would need explaining or clarification. Not a big deal to speak so on things that do not have an importance, I guess, just clarify/explain your reasoning, then continue on with life. But what if God had given the word Love a definition? MeMing that whatever the word may have been, wasn’t spelled, L O V E, and maybe not even pronounced that way, how important do you think it would be for us to not get the definition of that word confused with anything else? Do you think that he would have toyed around with the word Love and called a tree, Love at times, or a dog, Love? Whatever word he used to express whatever this was that he was trying to express, and however he pronounced it at the time that it was announced, I like to believe that it was important for it to be kept and Ud in that same context, forever. What could have happened if that was the case? Let’s go back to a little know phrase as “the telephone effect”. It where it is assumed that if you put a bunch of people together, and have them, one person to another, a different person every time, never the same person, relay a message to each other, that the message will somehow have changed by the time the message gets to the last person. So whenever this word(Love) was first spoken with the intention for it to be Ud as one thing, over time, it was perceived to be another thing. Now again, this is cool, if we were just talking about something like dogs, cats, and trees, but when it come to this Love thing, it is said to be important, it is in the scripture that is quoted round the world, and translated into all languages(I think). It is the said reason for God sending his Son. Can we afford for that definition to be misUd, or misused? I don’t think so. There is something that God, Jesus, the disciples, and plenty others have tried to relay to us about this word. Many man, have had to suffer and die behind what this word stood for. With that being said, I think we owe it to ourselves, those people, and the God that we believe in to try our hardest to go back as far as we can before “the telephone effect” started and U what this word meant.
Like I told you all before, when I started to search, I started with what it is said to mean today, find that Love was said to be a feeling. It was said to be an emotion. I had to find out what a feeling was/ what an emotion was. If I could clarify the two, then maybe I could find out what love was, since love was stated as being these. So which is it, a feeling, an emotion, or both?
I found a feeling to be, what you get when something touches the body, so I gave that examples such as, soft, rough, prickly, etc.
People would give examples of feelings like, sad, happy, joyful,etc., but to me those seem to fall in the catergory of emotions.
Now sad, happy, and joyful are said to be feelings as well, so where do these feelings come from? They are feelings that you get when you think something.
Right now, we have two different types of feelings, one you get when something comes into contact with the body, and one you get when you think something.
What are examples that are commonly used to describe an emotion? Happy, sad, and joyful. They go along with the second type of feeling that you get from thinking something.
You might say well, something can hit me and I feel sad. The senses are triggers to your thought pattern, you will never feel sad, happy, joyful, etc. without thinking something, ,so what happens is, the body may have come into contact with something, you feel it, based about the contact, you think something, then based upon what you think, you will feel something else. In that whole sequence, you had a feeling from your physical, and when you felt that, it triggered your thought process, which began you to thinking, which then brought up a feeling from your thoughts
We can now say that there is a physical feeling, triggered by physical touch, a physical feeling triggered by your thoughts, and the physical feeling can trigger a feeling from your thoughts.
The feelings that you get from your thoughts are what we call emotions.
Let’s say rough, smooth, soft= 1st feelings
Sad, happy, joyful=2nd feelings, called emotions, so sad, happy, joyful=emotions
Now we go back to our question which one of these if not both, des Love fit into? I ask you, when something comes into contact with your skin, can it feel soft? Yes, rough? Yes, can it feel Love? I’m going to say no. So that knocks Love out of the category of being a feeling that you get from something physical.
Let’s try the feeling that you get from thoughts. When you think something, can you feel sad? Yes, can you feel happy? Yes, can you feel Love? I’m going to say no because I know better, but it fits into this equation. It sounds right. Ask yourself this question, emoticons/ charts that show emotions, have you ever seen one of those faces that had Love up under it, when there is an expression of the persons emotion being shown? I never have, but let’s say they put Love up under one anyway. There would always be some other kind of emotion that can be used to describe what the person is feeling. If I was sad, and grumpy, though they are two different negative emotions(feelings from thoughts) they still stand alone, and can be told apart. If Love were an emotion, I think that it would be able to stand apart, and have its own expression as well. If you can’t describe Love without using another emotion, then it seems that Love doesn’t fit into the category of emotions, because I can describe any other positive emotion without using another positive emotion to get you to U what I am saying. When it comes to Love, you can use a various number of emotions to explain it, and if that’s the case, “Love” would be, what the definition is that you use to describe it. For example I say, how do you know you love them, you say, I care about them. That means that you care about them. We don’t have to use the word love to say that. I say what is Love, you God is Love. So, God is a word? Let God be God. Let Love be Love, but realllllly……………………………………
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!THE WORD LOVE DOES NOT EXIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well, I can’t really, in a specific way denounce that Love doesn’t fit into the category of being a feeling that you get from thought, and I guess the whole feeling and emotion thing can go a little deeper when you get into sensations, and other things, but I think I verified that it is now iffy, as to whether Love is even a feeling or an emotion. If it’s not one of those, or both, then what is it?
I only had one more place to go to find out what it was. I had to go to the scriptures. I had to go to what I believed in, and I had to try to search the scriptures. If it was meant for me to U what Love was, it would have to be in here. They don’t even mention feeling and emotions that much in the bible, if more than five times a piece, if ever. It slips my mind.
I knew I stayed getting locked up, and I didn’t want to misplace my format of the Message, and I let someone hold it, and it’s misplaced, so I may miss a couple places in the scriptures that can help you to U, and miss saying some things but nothing that I think will have a major effect on your ability to u, if you are willing.
I really don’t recall the word love being mentioned until the New Testament.
In most places that love is mentioned, it is telling you to love, as if it is telling you to do something. What you do is not in your thought, it is in your action. Jesus said, If you Love me, you will keep my commandments. …….You will keep=do, my commandments=what I tell you to do. So I figured in order to Love, that is what I would have to do. I would have to keep his commandments. I would have to do what Jesus told me to do. So I viewed the definition of Love to be, doing what God ask you to do(perfectly), how he said do it. If I were to be able to tell someone that I love them, well now, that new definition does fit into saying I Love you. With the new definition, that would sound like. I do what God tells me to do you. God may have told me to kick the tree, but that has nothing to do with you. I did what God ask me to do, so It was an act of Love, but how could I say I Loved you, when Love was now doing what God ask me to do? It didn’t fit, it didn’t make no sense, and “lies don’t make no sense”-K.E.W.
That perfectly clause was in there though, and to me, it was hard to know exactly what God wanted me to do in every situation, and to know exactly how to carry it out, and be perfect in whatever it was, along with being confident in it being what he even wanted me to do in the first place, so I still couldn’t even say that I was Loving.
This scripture helped in my breaking down of what Love was…………1st Corinthians Chapter 13, the text you see after the scriptures is me breaking the scripture down, the word charity is replaced with love in some Bibles, or Love is replaced with charity in some Bibles.

Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal. BD paul was saying that though his/ speaking might have been clear, or looked highly upon, maybe even speaking in actual tongues when it comes to tongues of angles, which is a great thing to be able to do, if ihe didn’t have charity/ love, it was just noise
2 And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing. BD even though he had spiritual gifts, Ud ALL mysteries, and ALL Knowledge, ALL these things and could remove mountains(who can do all that, gotta be greatness), if he didn’t have charity/Love, HE was NOTHING, it was pointless to have/be able to any of those things without LOVE
3 And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing. BD If he gave up all he had, and gave his BODY to be BURNED, and didn’t have charity/Love, his sacrifice was pointless. I started to aske myself, “what is this charity/ Love thing, so that the thing I do, can began to become profitable to the Kingdom of God, so the gifts I have/ the life I live/ sacrifices I make, won’t be in vain. I have to know what this charity/Love thing is”.
BD 4-8 when it goes on to explain what charity/Love is, it is perfect in everything it is, no flaw, it either is it, or it is not it, it either does it all the way, or doesn’t do it at all, and IT NEVER FAILS. There’s no play room here(for you excuses havin azz Christians)……….read on…….
4 Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,
5 Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;
6 Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;
7 Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
8 Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away.
9……is the eye opener
9 For we know in part, and we prophesy in part.
Verse 9, What does this mean to you? Think long and hard about it. ( you are going to have to contact me to find out what I think it means. I have told people before, so they may have heard it, and I’m sure what I told them isn’t just floating around when it come to this scripture. If some ones saying it, it probably came from me) When you contact me, let me know what you came up with.
10 But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away
BD could be talking bout when Jesus is come, but let’s stick to this being about Charity/Love, when this PERFECT thing is come, UNPERFECT will be done away with/no more.
11 When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things. BD I was stupid/ without Knowledge. I learned better, and did better.
12 For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known. BD It somewhat right now, when PERFECT comes, face to face, NOW I KNOW IN PART, but then…………… I asked myself Who know me better than me?…………GOD So I’m going to KNOW me like God KNOWS me.
13 And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity
Charity is something you do/Love is something you do.. Jesus said in order for me to Love him. I had to keep his commandments, so I locked in on that. Keeping his commandment, didn’t require that I told anybody what I was doing more than it required to U what I should be doing and to do it.
When I was being vague in telling the guy next cell to me what Love was, I had told him, that we really couldn’t even do it, and it hit me, when I told him that it was a God act. If God was the first one to say it/express it to us, then I had to figure out what he was doing in order to find out what it was. He did things for us based upon his faith in us. The Bible says that Faith without works is dead. What he does for us, are his acts of Love. They are his Works of Faith. So, Love is the works of God based upon his Faith in us, and who does what he want he wants to do better than him? Again the word Love, really………………………………DOESN’T EXIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The works of God for us is what we strive to U how to do for each other. In trying to do that, we will ultimately save others, which is what God wants for us all, to be saved. Now if God chose to say I love you, fuck it, he is more than qualified to say it, mean it, and walk in the shoes of what is Necss to not be a liar. He has done everything it takes to say it and mean it already, I’m sure. Now for us to even begin to say out of our mouths that we do, almost do, have done, or will do, even close to what God has done already, should be an abomination. It is a lie. We must try, but we must not lie on a topic where only he deserves the attention, where only he has done this thing, and where only he is perfect and able. If I tell you I Love you and say God loves you too, I feel ashamed, because I have measured my works to my Fathers. I have taken credit for doing something that I am not even perfected to do. Is it better that I tell you I Love you, or to say that God Loves you? Which is a Lie? Which of us is Perfect, and which Imperfect?
The word Love, used by us has sent many to their graves, has caused confusion in the hearts of many, and still does. If we Ud to tell people the truth, teaching them to look in only one place for this Love, we will save lives on a large scale. We will increase the Uing of our children and others on this same scale, while at the same time satisfying our Father, by giving him all the credit for this thing we call LOVE.
If you feel they need to be reminded of Love, tell them, God Loves them. If you need to explain, tell them to have a seat, and start reading them the Bible from the beginning……..God loves you so much, he created the heavens and the earth…………….(might not be where the Love started, but that’s as far back as we can go, and is the only beginning we know, so I figure it’s a nice start). After a certain point you can’t go any further without out him, but he needs ya help in getting them there.
“If you believe in Jesus Christ being the son of God, who am I to say that there is any right or wrong, even if you don’t, who am I? But if you do believe in even that much, I’d like to think that we are on the same team, so in paraphrasing the scriptures, let every man be persuaded in his own heart”-K.E.W.
I may add to later, but I’m done for now. Appreciate all readers, and don’t forget God Loves YOU
If I make it out of my life of sin I will live as 2we1ve once again-K.E.W.

Autobiographical World Member #2…..

Tammy Shanetta Ham. March 1 1993







By: Tammy Ham

Before I began, I have to first acknowledge and give thanks to our Father God in Heaven for allowing me to receive the knowledge and gain wisdom from my life experiences in order to write this book today with hopes that I can help other women in their lives.

Thank you God

Ladies……….It is time……[smiley face]

In this book, I will be sharing my story as to how I became and am still becoming the woman of God that I was created to be. I believe God allowed/created circumstances just for me, in order to teach me how to endure certain uncomfortable circumstances in order to show me how to live as a TRUE/REAL member of the body of Christ and to help and teach other women and young girls how to do the same.

I will be sharing some of my personal and uncomfortable life experiences that took place prior to becoming a woman of God, as well as things that I encountered and still encounter as a woman of God today. My hope is that through sharing my experiences, it will help someone see the seriousness of this time in which I speak about. So, for some of you, portions of my story will be shocking, and hard to understand its importance, so when we reach those parts of the book, I encourage you all to try your best to understand why my situations were necessary and are what ultimately allows me to transition into what God intends for me to be for Him as His daughter.  And please believe that during certain situations, I did not understand the necessity of them fully at that time either. It was not until later when it would make sense. However, I want you to be able to understand your situations and circumstances RIGHT NOW, in the midst of them so that you can be prepared for what God wants for/from you and become the women of God that he has intended for you to be; without having to go through patterns of constant uncomfortable situations without being able to win the battle that you are in, due to your lack of understanding. So, let’s stop the enemy right in his dirty tracks. We can not waste any more time. 

Story Time…..

 I will begin by briefly sharing some important life history. I grew up in a home with both parents(married) and three siblings. Two older sisters and one younger brother. My parents became parents at an incredibly young age, so they did not have much knowledge on the correct way to raise children, and most definitely not as far as God was concerned because of how they were raised. However, they did the best they could and made sure we had a roof over our head and did not lack any of the essential daily living needs. We were “well off” if you ask me. I later learned that they did struggled a lot but was able to keep the struggles hidden from us to keep us comfortable. They were extremely strict parents. One reason I say this is because we were not allowed to do a lot of the things that other kids did and was never told WHY. [the why for children or people in general can be the deciding factor of how a person responds to life overall]. I chose this reason to speak about because it is something that had a negative effect on me. It put me in a position as a child to feel like I could not ask questions about things I did not understand, leaving me to have to try and make assumptions and figure important things out on my own. I needed guidance and understanding. Without the WHY, I became a constant thinker, an over thinker. By the time I was a seasoned teenager, I was tired of thinking, literally. I was mainly tired of trying to figure people out and trying to figure out why everyone thought differently than me. I remember vividly when I was in the 11thgrade saying to myself that I was tired of thinking. I was watching other people live so “ freely” and I wanted that, so I worked on it but for some reason it did not seem right. I was trying to force myself from elevating and did not even realize it. I just wanted a break. A break from feeling so stressed out from watching people be mean to others, a break from trying to figure my parents motives out for being so strict, and a break from trying to figure myself out. I thought something was wrong with me, but I believe now that God was trying to use that mental separation for my good, but because I did not understand this, I was trying to be free like everyone else. If my parent’s reasons for not allowing us to do the things other kids were doing had anything to do with the fact that it was against the order of God, and was the answer for the WHY, then maybe I would have turned out a little better and understand that we were possibly being set apart for such a greater reason, but instead, I was left to figure those reasons out on my own, only making assumption until I forced myself into sin because of a lack of knowledge. “my people are destroyed because of a lack of knowledge” (Hosea 4:6). 

Though, we were not informed of godly principles, I must acknowledge the fact that my mother did have us in church occasionally. It would be periods where we would go to church every Sunday for weeks straight, but then it would just stop and then we will go months without going, and that was the cycle my entire life living at home. Even though we went to church, we never talked about things of God at home. Another thing she taught us, was to say our prayers every night. That became a ritual in our house but that was pretty much it for the God talk. Anything I learned about God or Jesus as a young child was at church.  Even though God was not really instilled in us properly, the little that my mother did do, in regard to God, stuck with me. Those prayers, I assume is why I grew up always praying, and because of going to church, I understood what it meant to repent. And just to say, since I can remember I always took church very serious for some reason. I had developed this grip on God from those experiences, and I believe that it sustained me enough as I went through life until it was God’s time for me to bounce back from that grip satan had on me. You will learn shortly about this grip satan had on me. But God is Good! Just a little bit of Jesus will save ya whole life. He fed 5000 with just five loaves of bread and 2 fish [smiling] (Mathew 14 14-21).

  My siblings and I were close growing up but as we got older, college separated us, and we grew apart. We all chose different routes in life, so it was hard to keep that same connection. I remember as a young kid being quiet and distant around new people. I was sometimes this way at home but being around my siblings allowed me to be more social/”free”. My mother use to say I was antisocial. I was, but I did not understand how that was true back then. I had developed a bad attitude growing up and could sometimes be very mean. Contrary to that, I was a sweet girl when necessary and very protective of my family and “friends”. I was also the type of kid that would bully the bullies. I did not like seeing other kids sad or struggling but I would still end up in situations where I would be mean to others for whatever reason. I always felt bad for being mean to people, but I do not remember being able to express that. My parents had us involved in sports starting at a young age, so we spent most of our out of school time either at practice, at games and at family member houses occasionally. We played sports almost year-round and were exceptionally skilled at them. I played basketball, softball, and eventually volleyball. Sports were how I was able to escape the shell I was in and how I built many close relationships with the ladies I grew close with over the years and eventually referred to as my sisters and who would become the “friends” that I grew to be so protective over. I always felt like I was the bodyguard for them. Not in the way of walking around like a big strong man but inside I felt this way. So, from childhood on into my teenage years I kept this same demeanor. It did not affect me negatively in any of my relationships with my girls, but it would soon become an issue in my later years of living.

 Moving forward, by the age of 16 I had gotten sucked into the lifestyle that I saw everyone around me living and was now a certified “lost sinner”. I am assuming that this was after I had made up my mind that I was going to stop thinking so much and live “free” like everyone else. I had lost my virginity at the age of 17 and had gotten involved in smoking and drinking. I was also parting and hosting dance club like parties by this time. I was a black female honors student who always said she would NEVER do the type of things I was doing and had even made a vow to not have sex until I was married. Ha, so much for that. I was living a lifestyle that I was against deep down in my heart but did not have anything strong enough inside of me to keep me from getting sucked into that lifestyle. Even that grip I had on God was not enough because I had no extra substance to accompany that grip. Therefore, as a young adult, I became an active sinner, a developing pot head and alcoholic with horrible characteristics developed from my childhood traumas and the lack of knowledge that I had concerning life period. I was captured by the enemy. Satan ain’t shit!

It was not until I became a woman of God that the reality of my flaws developed over my life span was exposed to me. For my entire life, I could not recognize my flaws, understand them, or figure out why or how they developed. I knew I had a bad attitude and had slight anxiety but aside from that I thought I was fine. I even convinced myself that I was one of the realest females around because I still felt like I was set apart in my heart and in my thinking even though I had chosen to live free like my peers by numbing my thoughts so that I would not have to deal with the day-to-day struggle of being full and stuck in my thoughts. The smoking and drinking helped with this. Silly me, how could that be when I was a sinner.  I had even allowed myself to suppress the truth of what had happened to me as a young child because of how long I kept it a secret.  Because I exposed this secret, I am now able to understand what else allowed/ opened the door for me to be captured by the life of sin so easily. I was a prey for Satan from the very beginning.

Let us move on to this secret I held on to for so long. Along with not having the foundation of God training me in the way I should go in order to help protect me from evil, I was molested around the age of 3 or 4 and then again around age 6 and maybe 7.  I remember when it first started. I do not remember the first day of course but the details of how it would go down, is vivid in this memory. I would always run to the front door that always happened to be open for some reason, to try and get away, but it was always dark and nowhere to escape. I do remember a little light coming through from the streetlights when I would run to the door. Even as I think about it right now, I remember more details. I was so small, and empty of life. Too young to even comprehend what was happening. I never shared this with anyone until I met my husband. He was the first I shared this with. 

 The suppression caused me to ignore the effects it had on my whole being. I believe it was one of the main things that built my personality, my fears, and most of my flaws. And It wasn’t that I forgot that this happened to me, I just did not think about it often at all, and who was I going to tell anyway? I did not have that type of relationship with ANYONE to share something like that. I remember feeling embarrassed and always stuck in my thoughts because I could not understand why it kept happening. {I also remember in head start; a man child would always expose his private part to me. He would always take me behind this brick wall and pull it out and show me. The only memory I have about what I thought about it is a blur, but I believe I was only going behind that wall when he asked, was because I looked at him as my “friend” and because I was too young to understand how to say no in a situation like that. I do remember understanding that it was wrong because of him always hiding when he did it.} I shared that just to show how much inappropriate things I was exposed to as a toddler, a complete prey of the enemy. WATCH YOUR KIDS AROUND EVERYONE!

 Anytime we would spend the night away from home when I was around four to maybe nine years old my mother would always ask if anyone touched us. I always said no, even the times when the answer was yes. I remember one day being picked up from the house I was violated at and my mother asking me that question. I had been molested that night before if I am not mistaking, and I still told her no. I felt uncomfortable and scared every time she would ask me that. She never actually sat us down and explained or talked about things like inappropriate touching, sex, or anything of that nature. If she did, I have no memory of it. I remember her just always asking that question as if she was fearful of that happening.  She also had no tolerance for girls liking boys as if she knew something that we did not know and just did not talk about (both parents). TALK TO YOUR KIDS! As I got older it seemed like I was always a target for sexual experimenting. However, me being a victim did not last much longer because I eventually started to build this wall up against boys and people period. I grew to be a tomboy and was tough with the boys. I did not really understand why I was like this at that time, but I do remember not wanting guys to like me because it made me uncomfortable, so that could be why I was tomboyish. And it would be several that liked me, so it seemed like I was always uncomfortable. 

During these times, I remember developing a sexual type desire. Not to the point of getting involved with guys sexually but because I experienced arousal at an early age, and it was out of my control, I later started to masturbate. I understand now that the violation opened up the door for this to be something I experimented with.  I do not remember how I even started doing it, but I was way too young. I did this off and on until I got older. I had never had sex, but I knew what it felt like to have an orgasm. As a young child somehow, I just knew it was wrong and ALWAYS felt bad afterwards. I may have felt bad only because of the trauma I experienced from the molestation and maybe even because God allowed me experience that feeling of guilt to teach me that it was wrong, all because of that grip I had on him(possibly). So, when I was older, I would still feel bad and repent when I did anything sexual. By the time I started having sex, I was not amazed, and I would still feel bad afterwards. Because I had been violated as a child, I was being built to be a victim to satan’s devices. I became so lost in the world that the unhealthy wall I had up, was easily torn down. I grew up uncomfortable with my body and intimacy but somehow, I was able to become comfortable just enough to engage in sex. I did not like for my body to be looked at or touched but it still responded as if I did because that is just how corrupt the flesh is, so it was like I was caught in a crossfire when It came to being involved in any type of intimacy. I was on my way to failure and more destruction as I continued with life. So, what I now understand/believe is that from the age of 3 or 4, satan was working on me and I was being built to be a slave to sexual sin, insecurity, fear, and much more. Because of this, I was able to become a victim of substance abuse so easily because it was a great way to escape the reality of my flaws and a way to hide behind what I had experience sexually and escape the basic stress of being a confused teen. BUT GOD!

I shared those stories briefly with hopes that they would encourage mothers and women overall to watch more closely to your daughters and to your children in general, and to show how easy it is to set your child up to become prey for the evil one. It is important to talk to your children openly as it is appropriate and most importantly, you must have a God based foundation for the upbringing of your children. God is the only secure way to raise a child(ren). I hope that my transparency did not make you uncomfortable, but rather girded and prepared you more for life. You must understand that the only way to understand higher level things of God, in order to recognize the works of satan, is by experiencing the most uncomfortable things that your mind and spirit can bare and then learn to respond to those things with the help and instruction from the word of God. God knew just how much I could bare. He had a plan!

                                                    The Call……

I like to believe that God was calling me out of the world the moment I met my husband. Although, he too was in the world (a sinner) at the time, I believe God still used him to reach me. When I met him, I was in college, really living that wild, worldly, and reckless lifestyle. Most of my days consisted of lots of marijuana, alcohol, partying, and unmartial sex. This was literally my lifestyle from my junior/senior year in high school up until I was a senior in college. This was not the lifestyle I imagined living at all. In fact, I was completely against that way of living probably until I was about 15/16 years old. And when I say against it, I do not mean that I stopped being against it, I just gave up the efforts in staying uninvolved in that way of living. It did not take long at all before I became what I said I never would become. [satan works swiftly in capturing his prey]. I was not raised to live that way, in fact, my parents were raising us in a way to keep us from falling into that way of life, but hey, what else is a girl to do when Godly principles were not a part of the teaching of her foundation(household) and the world of sin was closing in all around her? 

Keynote: GODLY PRINCIPLES! You can raise a child in whatever way you feel is best for them, or to the best of your ability in order to keep them away from destruction, but if GOD is not the source of that foundation that influences that way in which you are raising them, then the chances of them falling prey to satans devices and not being able to bounce back from those traps is much greater. Learn all you can about Jesus, then you will understand more about how to raise these babies. “Train up a child in the way he shall go and when he is old, he will not depart from it” (KJV Proverbs 22:6). “Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life” ( KJV John 14:6), therefore, teach these children that Jesus is the way and help them have a chance to defeat the devil and live and have life more abundantly. “The thief cometh not, but to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have it more abundantly” ( KJV John 10:10).

                                                                 Story Time……

Myself and two of my college girls met “Q wit uh K” one night on campus. He did not attend college there, he was the “delivery man”. His personality was attractive to me at this time (even though he say today that he would have never even been so social had he not been under the influence, so I thank God that he was!lol) which is why I believe we chose to kick it with him that night via his request. So, the four of us ended up hot boxing (smoking the car out) that night, and from that night forward he was always around. He was like our big brother/mentor. I think we all hung out almost every day. Smoking and drinking on the regular. It was during this time that I gained a measure of respect for him through his actions, his conversation concerning life, and certain comments that he made that reminded me of things related to that of God, which made me look at him in a different way. It was also eventually understood that he was trying to help us in the midst of whatever other motives he had in   being around us initially. Although I did not treat him like I respected him, I did. If you remember from the previous story time, I had issues with expressing how I felt since a young child, and you see now as an adult, it carried over and I still struggled with that. It was mostly when dealing with guys more than anyone else because as I stated previously, I had this wall up when dealing with them, and even though I could maintain a relationship I always kept my guard up. We had spent so much time together that we were like family.

Months after meeting and gaining a relationship with him (a homeboy/ homegirl type relationship), he disappeared from us for a while because he felt like we were too far gone to be helped. I was sad when he went away and always tried to get him to come back around. I did not understand his motive for hanging out with us for as long as he did but for whatever reason, I wanted him around all the time. However, during his separation time I got a boyfriend, and was pursuing this relationship fully. Like me and this guy were planning on getting married one day, it was “serious”. Q wit uh K use to always tell us “NO BOYFRIENDS” in his long teaching sessions and it always stuck with me, but again. I was too weak inside to reverence the advice enough to stay away from the boyfriend. Of course, we did not fully understand why he would tell us that, but it was for our own good on a level that we could not comprehend. But rookie ol me went and got a boyfriend anyway, smh. Ironically, I had not had a boyfriend in years, and it was because of a conversation q wit uh k had previously that pushed me to even accept a boyfriend. I later learned that it was due to my misunderstanding of that conversation that made me go against the boyfriend rule. ALWAYS UNDERSTAND A THING BEFORE YOU ACT ON IT.

 So, after his disappearing for some time, he came back into the picture, and to his surprise I had this boyfriend. He could not believe that I had went and got a boyfriend after he had preached to us how we should not be running around getting boyfriends. I understand now exactly why he preached this to us. It was not only to keep boys away from us like a parent or big brother would do, but it was also to protect us from getting into a situation that would possibly be detrimental to our LIFE, because he knew that we did not understand the seriousness of the risks on the level that he did, or on any level as far as God was concerned. 

 Now today, I fully understand why he was against us having boyfriends. He cared about us, and though we were all sinners, our body is still a temple to house God’s spirit, sacred and he understood this. “What? Know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost [which is] in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own (KJV 1 Corinthians 6:19) Therefore, to just be running around having sex without being married was a no no! He also knew the intention of young guys a lot more than we thought we knew, most definitely the ones who were not men of God, and it would only be a matter of time before we ended up heartbroken trusting in these ungodly boyfriends. Hopefully by now you understand that this man was knowledgeable and different.

So, throughout my relationship with this guy, Q wit uh K would still kick it with us, and of course preach and teach us about things concerning life. He also was able to get my attention enough to influence me to pursue him as my man, rather than just my homeboy. I know you are probably thinking, well how is he trying to be somebody man, but suggested to them that they not have a boyfriend. Yes, I know, but trust me, it was necessary. God tends to operate in ways that our basic mind cannot even begin to comprehend. It wasn’t about him just wanting to be my man (not my “boyfriend”) but he was seeking to save my soul with knowledge given to him through our Father God. (ONLY God can save our soul, just saying). 

I was not his type, nor was I who he would have chosen to pursue, but because he truly cared about my LIFE, just as he did my other college girls, he took a risk on me for reasons that dealt with me being so messed up but having the potential to elevate. This is just who he is, truly. He believes that he cares about people on a level similar to the way God loves each and every one of us. But of course, no one is on God’s level except for our Lord and savior Jesus Christ. So being that I had gone off and possibly ruined my whole life even the more according to God’s will, he felt like he had to “save” me. He wanted me to choose between him and that boyfriend. I was in a tough position, I was emotionally attached to my boyfriend and did not want to hurt his feelings by leaving him, but K.E.W(Q) had won me over by the knowledge he carried that seemed so honest and pure, even as a sinner. It was a battle getting me to choose. Fortunately, after a lot of mind wrestling, I accepted, I left my boyfriend, and chose K.E.W.(Q). Because of that decision, I believe I escaped possible future hurt and destruction that I could not see that awaited ahead with being in this relationship with this boyfriend, so I thank my father always for pursuing and saving me through my husband. DON’T DESTROY YOUR LIFE DOING WHAT YOU KNOW IS NOT RIGHT JUST BECAUSE YOU DON’T WANT TO LOOK FOR THE CRASH THAT MAY WAIT AHEAD BECAUSE OF THE IN THE MOMENT PLEASURES. THOSE FLESHLEY DESIRES CAN KILL YOU! NO BOYFRIENDS! (Don’t settle for anyone because of their potential. My marriage is a direct reflection of this being important. I will talk about that at another time).

                                                Teaching Time…..

We are now moving on to the fruit of this book. I hope that I did not lose you with the History portion of my life, but it was necessary here, Now, for those of you who have not yet made the commitment to be a woman of God, my suggestion to you is this: IT IS TIME! (the call). Time to surrender and walk towards what is intended for you through our Father in Heaven. It is time to understand your life and your purpose under God. Remember that making such a decision is not based upon whether you are ready, it is about being willing. Just do it!😊 My Hope is that this book will help prepare you for your walk, ultimately making your journey a lot easier than mine. Through the hearing of my trails, testimonies, and teachings, you should be able to pass your tests and endure your trials quicker if you are able to understand and pick up on the necessity of the sharing of these specific stories of my life. Hopefully, you will do better than myself, so that you can understand your situations as you go through them and respond and act accordingly due to your new understanding.

For the women of God who are needing guidance or just a little boost of strength, this book will help you tremendously. I hope that it will encourage you to stay strong in ALL circumstances, help you to always have faith, and remind you to always pay attention to the details of your actions and situations, but most importantly I hope that it pushes you to continue to identify and change the ungodly ways that you may still possess no matter how hard or impossible it seems. It is time to take it up a notch in your walk. We have a duty to fulfill, and I believe that is the main goal when serving God.

For many people it is a struggle to understand the things they go through, and it is an even bigger struggle to respond to these things with the correct thinking in order to endure certain circumstances. This problem stems from hiding from known truths, which leads to not being able to recognize your own problems or flaws in order to acknowledge them and then work to change them. Some may read that and not believe it is possible to be ignorant of your own problems. And I am assuming that, only because I was one who did not know or believe that I had certain issues that I did in fact have. So, I am going to give you a little background on how this was discovered.

Story time…..

I faced many problems in my relationship with my husband prior to marriage and during still do today. I believe that because I had such a hard time accepting the fact that I had serious issues within, it played a big part in the consistency of these problems. These problems were exposed throughout my relationship and were undeniable. Like I mentioned previously, I spent a lot of my later teen years suppressing unidentifiable and unknown issues that were developed as a child on into adolescence with heavy smoking and drinking. This was because I had hid from the truth of what had happened to me as a child and kept it a secret until the point where the effects of that trauma was invisible to me. So, during the years of one of the biggest transitions of my life(college), I did not give myself the chance to even understand or deal with myself, which could have literally costed me my life because of the way I was living; reckless. This is not to say that I did not learn any valuable lessons about life during this time, because I did. These lessons just were not valuable enough to prepare me for the next transition of my life, which was marriage, and even less valuable for life under God.

Therefore, it is essential ladies for you right now to dedicate your time to paying attention to yourself, identify all of your past traumas, if any, so that you can identify the possible reasons for your flaws, and then work on fixing them. At this point even if there is a person to blame for your traumas, it is now up to you to take fault for what you became because it is going to be up to you to change. This will not be an easy task, but it will take dedication and consistency. If you are one who is involved with things that will prevent you from paying attention to your every action and feeling, I suggest you stop that thing immediately. Things like drinking, smoking, excessive tv watching, excessive talking on the phone, social media, hanging out with “friends”/family, ect. You need to spend as much time with yourself as possible. By doing this, you will be able to see the things you put most of your focus into, and then be forced to see yourself outside of what you are addicted to. It is impossible to live your life the way it is intended as far as God is concerned unless you fix yourself first. {But STOPPPING ALL KNOW SIN is first above all}. The history potion was intended to show you how to do this. By dissecting my past, I was able to find the root of my problems and makes sense out of my life so that I could understand how to fix my life. The answer for your problems will come from the word of God once you identify the root problems from your past. And it does not have to be from the past of your childhood, it could be from any past events at any point of your life. 

I did not learn or except in my heart that I had bitterness, selfishness, jealousy, pride, laziness, and I carried a bad attitude until I was already committed to a marriage. As you see, these are all characteristics of wickedness. However, for a long time I was in denial that I could even have any of these things be a part of my being. I thought I was fine, so it did not make sense to me. It took years for me to see and accept that it was true. And just to say, I was full of PRIDE. It is like a deadly disease. “God hates a proud look” (Proverbs 6:17). I learned that if you do not work to get rid of your issues, then they will produce problems in your life that you never thought would occur. Most definitely trying to please God. They will control you and have you locked in a box with sin. “For the wages of sin is death” (Romans 6:23). You will not grow without changing your sinful ways. During this time, be sure to focus on how you respond to things you do not agree with. As people of God, we must learn to respond properly to ALL things, but in order to do so you have to understand how your own flaws may contribute to your inability to do so. Though I understand these things to be true, I want you all to know that still today I am not fully delivered from these things. I strive daily to be purged. You must understand that changing does not happen overnight. It is a process, so give yourself grace as you work to be free from wickedness.

While working on and getting to know yourself, you must put just as much energy into trying to learn as much as you can about God, because it is Him who created us to be reflections of Him. Refer to the bible FIRST. I believe that by doing these things, you will be on your way to becoming the woman our Father created you to be.

                                                            Quick story…….

I initially began writing this book in 2018. I was lying in bed one day and the title of it just popped in my head. I like to believe that it was the holy spirit. At this point of my life, I was going through the toughest times yall! (just had a flashback lol). Immediately after hearing the title, I understood that it was a book title, and I knew what it would be about. However, I had no idea that it would take me two years to write it. You can say that laziness eventually outweighed my dedication, but I now believe that it was God’s will (possibly). Over the course of the two years, each time I went to finish the book it always felt like it was something missing. I would always feel the need to take something out or add something in. The add ins were always new things (just like this paragraph). I guess it just was not time yet. I had to live a little longer, go through a little more. Become a bit wiser. I thought I was going to sit and write it in a day, and have it published within a few weeks. I thought I had it all figured out. I took what I had heard that day in the bed and ran nowhere with it. I only knew in part what needed to be in it. I did not know it would take two more years of living for it to be complete. I said all that to say, God’s timing is not our timing ladies. “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. As heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts”. KJV Isaiah 55:8-9. His time is ALL the time, but we cannot force something that is believed to be from God to fit our timing. This is for the people who are really choosing to practice living for God. We cannot waist time on ungodly things, so we must move in a way that allows the timing of God to maneuver us. God is not on your time; you are on His time. I do not have the answer for how we specifically do that, but I do believe that if we work on all the things mentioned in this book, He will direct us. “Thus also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead” KJV James 2:17. 

I would now just like to apologize for the transition/flow of the book. Like I stated previously, I have been taking away and adding for the past two years. (Not two years straight guys, there were definitely long periods where there was no labor being applied). I hope that no one gets confused or distracted because of it, I just want you to focus on applying the basic information given in this book to your life in order to possibly get closer to who God intends for you to be.                                       

                                                            Teaching time……..

            I am now going to switch things up a bit. Because this book is geared towards women and becoming the best version of yourself possible in the eyes of God, I have to make the involvement with men a focus point to help you all a little further.

            I am not an encourager of women seeking out a spouse or even a supporter of women having boyfriends. [If you remember, Q wit uh K taught me this first, so again shouts out to him]. This is because it opens the door for sin to enter and other unnecessary emotional damage and confusion. I originally started this section off with “It is time to choose your men wisely ladies”, but I realized that the statement was out of order. What I wanted to say is, It is time realize what a potential husband should “look” like when he is presented to you. I am talking about husbands at this point because some women cannot become who they were created to be without the head of a man/husband. (And regardless of what a man may think, I believe that some men can not become who they were intended to be without a wife) (my opinion). A lot of times women have a “standard” set for what we desire for a husband but lack the basic required standard for being a valued woman. And then that standard held for these men do not align with what God requires.  Therefore, if your desire to be a married woman of God, your choosing should not be according to his looks, his money, how great his sex may be, how nice he treats you, or by how much he tells you he love you and admire your outer appearance. All these things are just deceptive tools to distract you from what you are really supposed to be looking for in a man/potential husband. And I am not saying that just because a man does all these things, it automatically means that he is trying to deceive you, it may just mean that he lacks understanding of how these actions can be used to manipulate or deceive a woman. That is why we must be careful who we choose to pursue, because most of us have been deceived our whole lives. So, if you are with a man right now for any of these reasons and do not know his relationship with or intentions with you concerning God, you need to reevaluate yourself as well as that relationship with this man. What I have learned from my relationship with my husband is that if you choose to pursue a man, it has to be about the Fathers business. Meaning, if you are a woman of God or if you desire to become one you need to find interest in a man who is also either a Man of God already or who is looking to become one in the very near future. Pay attention to his characteristics, his choice of conversation, the type of company he keeps, his hobbies, ect. You should pretty much be comparing his characteristic to those of Jesus Christ. So, first, get your bible and learn the characteristics of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. 

I believe that it is intended for a woman who decides to marry to be led by a man that can help/teach her how to become the best woman of God that she can be. Though I believe that to be true, I believe that it is most important for you to be on your journey with God long before pursuing marriage. It is meant for a woman to help and man in marriage, so if you are not at a certain level spiritually before entering into marriage then your marriage will be as difficult as mine has been because how can you help someone when you need most of the help yourself. You will be a hindrance if you are not capable to help your spouse. Help him to be able to help you become who you need to be for God. We are help meets for them first ladies. So, take this into consideration when considering a man who can possibly become your husband. Get yourself in order with God FIRST. I can bet you will not regret it. Let me tell you why.

I spent a lot of my intimate times with God during the times I was separated from my husband. I received the fire in my heart for Jesus during those times, and they are the very moments that sustain me daily. Had I not been separated; I may have never been able to build that personal relationship with our father. There were times during my separation that I would be so high off of the word, that I literally wanted to be in heaven with Jesus. God allowed those seasons for a reason. I believe he wanted me to experience Him alone so that I can understand that HE is the TRUE HEAD, because when you get married, that relationship with God becomes a little distant because your husband is now your head(distraction). That is why it is important that your husband is on one accord with the living God so that the marriage itself does not become a distraction that separates the both of you from the faith. ENJOY YOUR SINGLENESS!

                                                    Quick Story…….

I wanted to quickly share with you all about things I encountered/encounter as a woman of God today that is still shaping me into becoming the woman of God that I am intended to be in its fullness. I will speak about my marriage briefly because this is where many of my trials and tribulations stem from as I journey on my walk. Long story short, out of the almost 4 years of marriage, my husband was a sinner for most of those years. This is not including the years that we both were sinners before the marriage. He is a man of God today, but I am just going to say that when he was not, he lived as a sinner in all of its fullness. If you can catch my point of stating that you will understand the many things I had to accept and go through with that being so, as a woman of God. Being that he was the reason and hand that led me to being a woman of God I was able to stay. Along with finding out and understanding these scriptures, “ For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by is wife” (1 Corinthians 7:14), “And the woman which hath and husband that beleiveth not(a sinner), and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him” ( 1 Corinthians 7:13).  He really lived out the scripture “Because you are lukewarm-neither hot nor cold, I am about to spit you out of my mouth”. Let me tell you, he was NOT lukewarm at all! Because of that, I was broken down completely. This is how that pride started to break off of me. Lord have mercy! These were the times when all of my flaws were exposed to me. I faced so much turmoil in my marriage. However, it was used to eventually shape me, which allowed me to understand that it was all necessary for my growth. It was much turmoil mainly because of the weakness and damage inside of me. Had I sought my purpose before this relationship, I believe that my marriage would have turned out a lot different (may not even be married today though). Today, I still suffer in my marriage because I am still being purged and delivered from what was built in me over the course of my life before giving it to God but I understand that the problems I face is for my growth only. Not only do I suffer because of my flaws, but I am recovering from the damage developed over the course of the entire sinful relationship which was out of order overall. But for me and my journey, my marriage is the story line/source of my becoming which is why I am able help you in the area of relationships as far as God is concerned with these men. I am about the Father’s business in this thing.

Now, considering the info mentioned, I want you all right now, to evaluate your current life and relationship status. Do you have a boyfriend, are you engaged, are you just having sex with a guy that you are cool with, are you just going with the flow of life having sex with whomever you connect with best? Are you a sinner as far as the bible say? Well…..  First, whatever the case may be, if you are on a path of trying to live righteous according to God, and you are having sex, you should STOP NOW! If you are not looking to pursue a Godly lifestyle just take notes. You should not be practicing sin as a believer. Secondly, you need to evaluate this person who you are involved with. Evaluating to see and understand his motives for being involved with you. Does he believe in Jesus? Does he want to get married? Does he talk about getting married? How does he feel about marriage? What are his plans in life as far as God is concerned? Again, what characteristics does he display, and how do they relate or not relate to the characteristics Christ? These things are very essential to know when you are involved with a guy. Most definitely if you are one desiring to live as a person of God. A lot of times we as women can get so caught up in the sex, the sweet talk, the money, the status quo, and who knows what else, while ignoring the most important things about a man that will tell us whether he is one to be pursued or not and eventually catapult us into who we should be as women of God. Those things mentioned above means NOTHING as far as God is concerned. A man can be the best at pleasing you sexually and have the best conversations, but have no reverence for God’s truth, and will be able to win your heart over. My sisters, this is out of order! Just because a man will pay your bills and buy you CHANNEL bags/accessories does not mean a thing, if in doing so he has no desire to make sure that you are being the best you that you can be in ALL areas of your life. Can he help you become the best version of you? Can you help him by being the best version of yourself? Physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Can he lead you?  After evaluating him, while having these things in mind, you should be able to now decide whether this guy will work with you. You cannot become emotionally attached to these guys because it will hinder you. An emotional attachment to someone is dangerous. It opens the door for many ungodly characteristics to form in your being and may also cause you to become blind to or incapable of even being able to see the flaws possessed by this person. Causing you to fail at becoming the best the woman that God intended you to be. 

Now, if you missed my motive for writing what I have written in this partial autobiography/encouragement book, then I will do a brief recap of my point. So again, I wanted to encourage you ladies to become who God wants you to be by sharing some of my personal and uncomfortable life experiences, in order to motivate you to dig deep in your hidden memories and find out what may have caused the flaw in your being, which may be the very thing that is preventing you from being at your greatest potential. I learned that digging up the root of the very thing that built you, will expose the hand of the enemy so that his works may be destroyed in your life, through your seeking of godly understanding. It is going to take honesty and courage to face these roots(demons). I then wanted to give you some special tools to use while taking on this fight that I learned as I was fighting. [it is a constant fight to walk by the laws of God]. I wanted you all to see the things that made me a wretched woman and then to see how God still loved and saved me from that wickedness, with hopes that you may understand that He can do the same for you. He used my worst traumas from a toddler to turn me into an evolving woman of faith. He took the very things that broke me to build be back up. I am still not at the mountain top but daily I strive to reach it, and you should strive for the same. You are loved by God, and IT IS TIME you live like it. You can accept this reading as a call from Jesus or simply an encouragement. Either way, with the information you have read and understand, you will be held accountable. May God be with you as you move forward in life.

By: Tammy Ham aka Treale

Written between the years of 2018-2020: Finished on 12/14/20

Release Date: January 1, 2021

Be inspired today

God Loves You sis!


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