Member 2 Tammy Ham

Autobiographical World Member #2…..

Tammy Shanetta Ham March 1, 1993

T.Ham/Tam

Trill

Rill

Introduction

Its God time

By: Tammy Ham

Before I began, I have to first acknowledge and give thanks to our Father God in Heaven for allowing me to receive the knowledge and gain wisdom from my life experiences in order to write this book today with hopes that I can help other women in their lives.

Thank you God

Ladies……….It is time……[smiley face]

In this book, I will be sharing my story as to how I became and am still becoming the woman of God that I was created to be. I believe God allowed/created circumstances just for me, in order to teach me how to endure certain uncomfortable circumstances in order to show me how to live as a TRUE/REAL member of the body of Christ and to help and teach other women and young girls how to do the same.

I will be sharing some of my personal and uncomfortable life experiences that took place prior to becoming a woman of God, as well as things that I encountered and still encounter as a woman of God today. My hope is that through sharing my experiences, it will help someone see the seriousness of this time in which I speak about. So, for some of you, portions of my story will be shocking, and hard to understand its importance, so when we reach those parts of the book, I encourage you all to try your best to understand why my situations were necessary and are what ultimately allows me to transition into what God intends for me to be for Him as His daughter.  And please believe that during certain situations, I did not understand the necessity of them fully at that time either. It was not until later when it would make sense. However, I want you to be able to understand your situations and circumstances RIGHT NOW, in the midst of them so that you can be prepared for what God wants for/from you and become the women of God that he has intended for you to be; without having to go through patterns of constant uncomfortable situations without being able to win the battle that you are in, due to your lack of understanding. So, let’s stop the enemy right in his dirty tracks. We can not waste any more time.

Story Time…..

 I will begin by briefly sharing some important life history. I grew up in a home with both parents(married) and three siblings. Two older sisters and one younger brother. My parents became parents at an incredibly young age, so they did not have much knowledge on the correct way to raise children, and most definitely not as far as God was concerned because of how they were raised. However, they did the best they could and made sure we had a roof over our head and did not lack any of the essential daily living needs. We were “well off” if you ask me. I later learned that they did struggled a lot but was able to keep the struggles hidden from us to keep us comfortable. They were extremely strict parents. One reason I say this is because we were not allowed to do a lot of the things that other kids did and was never told WHY. [the why for children or people in general can be the deciding factor of how a person responds to life overall]. I chose this reason to speak about because it is something that had a negative effect on me. It put me in a position as a child to feel like I could not ask questions about things I did not understand, leaving me to have to try and make assumptions and figure important things out on my own. I needed guidance and understanding. Without the WHY, I became a constant thinker, an over thinker. By the time I was a seasoned teenager, I was tired of thinking, literally. I was mainly tired of trying to figure people out and trying to figure out why everyone thought differently than me. I remember vividly when I was in the 11th grade saying to myself that I was tired of thinking. I was watching other people live so “ freely” and I wanted that, so I worked on it but for some reason it did not seem right. I was trying to force myself from elevating and did not even realize it. I just wanted a break. A break from feeling so stressed out from watching people be mean to others, a break from trying to figure my parents motives out for being so strict, and a break from trying to figure myself out. I thought something was wrong with me, but I believe now that God was trying to use that mental separation for my good, but because I did not understand this, I was trying to be free like everyone else. If my parent’s reasons for not allowing us to do the things other kids were doing had anything to do with the fact that it was against the order of God, and was the answer for the WHY, then maybe I would have turned out a little better and understand that we were possibly being set apart for such a greater reason, but instead, I was left to figure those reasons out on my own, only making assumption until I forced myself into sin because of a lack of knowledge. “my people are destroyed because of a lack of knowledge” (Hosea 4:6).

Though, we were not informed of godly principles, I must acknowledge the fact that my mother did have us in church occasionally. It would be periods where we would go to church every Sunday for weeks straight, but then it would just stop and then we will go months without going, and that was the cycle my entire life living at home. Even though we went to church, we never talked about things of God at home. Another thing she taught us, was to say our prayers every night. That became a ritual in our house but that was pretty much it for the God talk. Anything I learned about God or Jesus as a young child was at church.  Even though God was not really instilled in us properly, the little that my mother did do, in regard to God, stuck with me. Those prayers, I assume is why I grew up always praying, and because of going to church, I understood what it meant to repent. And just to say, since I can remember I always took church very serious for some reason. I had developed this grip on God from those experiences, and I believe that it sustained me enough as I went through life until it was God’s time for me to bounce back from that grip satan had on me. You will learn shortly about this grip satan had on me. But God is Good! Just a little bit of Jesus will save ya whole life. He fed 5000 with just five loaves of bread and 2 fish [smiling] (Mathew 14 14-21).

  My siblings and I were close growing up but as we got older, college separated us, and we grew apart. We all chose different routes in life, so it was hard to keep that same connection. I remember as a young kid being quiet and distant around new people. I was sometimes this way at home but being around my siblings allowed me to be more social/”free”. My mother use to say I was antisocial. I was, but I did not understand how that was true back then. I had developed a bad attitude growing up and could sometimes be very mean. Contrary to that, I was a sweet girl when necessary and very protective of my family and “friends”. I was also the type of kid that would bully the bullies. I did not like seeing other kids sad or struggling but I would still end up in situations where I would be mean to others for whatever reason. I always felt bad for being mean to people, but I do not remember being able to express that. My parents had us involved in sports starting at a young age, so we spent most of our out of school time either at practice, at games and at family member houses occasionally. We played sports almost year-round and were exceptionally skilled at them. I played basketball, softball, and eventually volleyball. Sports were how I was able to escape the shell I was in and how I built many close relationships with the ladies I grew close with over the years and eventually referred to as my sisters and who would become the “friends” that I grew to be so protective over. I always felt like I was the bodyguard for them. Not in the way of walking around like a big strong man but inside I felt this way. So, from childhood on into my teenage years I kept this same demeanor. It did not affect me negatively in any of my relationships with my girls, but it would soon become an issue in my later years of living.

 Moving forward, by the age of 16 I had gotten sucked into the lifestyle that I saw everyone around me living and was now a certified “lost sinner”. I am assuming that this was after I had made up my mind that I was going to stop thinking so much and live “free” like everyone else. I had lost my virginity at the age of 17 and had gotten involved in smoking and drinking. I was also parting and hosting dance club like parties by this time. I was a black female honors student who always said she would NEVER do the type of things I was doing and had even made a vow to not have sex until I was married. Ha, so much for that. I was living a lifestyle that I was against deep down in my heart but did not have anything strong enough inside of me to keep me from getting sucked into that lifestyle. Even that grip I had on God was not enough because I had no extra substance to accompany that grip. Therefore, as a young adult, I became an active sinner, a developing pot head and alcoholic with horrible characteristics developed from my childhood traumas and the lack of knowledge that I had concerning life period. I was captured by the enemy. Satan ain’t shit!

It was not until I became a woman of God that the reality of my flaws developed over my life span was exposed to me. For my entire life, I could not recognize my flaws, understand them, or figure out why or how they developed. I knew I had a bad attitude and had slight anxiety but aside from that I thought I was fine. I even convinced myself that I was one of the realest females around because I still felt like I was set apart in my heart and in my thinking even though I had chosen to live free like my peers by numbing my thoughts so that I would not have to deal with the day-to-day struggle of being full and stuck in my thoughts. The smoking and drinking helped with this. Silly me, how could that be when I was a sinner.  I had even allowed myself to suppress the truth of what had happened to me as a young child because of how long I kept it a secret.  Because I exposed this secret, I am now able to understand what else allowed/ opened the door for me to be captured by the life of sin so easily. I was a prey for Satan from the very beginning.

Let us move on to this secret I held on to for so long. Along with not having the foundation of God training me in the way I should go in order to help protect me from evil, I was molested around the age of 3 or 4 and then again around age 6 and maybe 7.  I remember when it first started. I do not remember the first day of course but the details of how it would go down, is vivid in this memory. I would always run to the front door that always happened to be open for some reason, to try and get away, but it was always dark and nowhere to escape. I do remember a little light coming through from the streetlights when I would run to the door. Even as I think about it right now, I remember more details. I was so small, and empty of life. Too young to even comprehend what was happening. I never shared this with anyone until I met my husband. He was the first I shared this with.

 The suppression caused me to ignore the effects it had on my whole being. I believe it was one of the main things that built my personality, my fears, and most of my flaws. And It wasn’t that I forgot that this happened to me, I just did not think about it often at all, and who was I going to tell anyway? I did not have that type of relationship with ANYONE to share something like that. I remember feeling embarrassed and always stuck in my thoughts because I could not understand why it kept happening. {I also remember in head start; a man child would always expose his private part to me. He would always take me behind this brick wall and pull it out and show me. The only memory I have about what I thought about it is a blur, but I believe I was only going behind that wall when he asked, was because I looked at him as my “friend” and because I was too young to understand how to say no in a situation like that. I do remember understanding that it was wrong because of him always hiding when he did it.} I shared that just to show how much inappropriate things I was exposed to as a toddler, a complete prey of the enemy. WATCH YOUR KIDS AROUND EVERYONE!

  Anytime we would spend the night away from home when I was around four to maybe nine years old my mother would always ask if anyone touched us. I always said no, even the times when the answer was yes. I remember one day being picked up from the house I was violated at and my mother asking me that question. I had been molested that night before if I am not mistaking, and I still told her no. I felt uncomfortable and scared every time she would ask me that. She never actually sat us down and explained or talked about things like inappropriate touching, sex, or anything of that nature. If she did, I have no memory of it. I remember her just always asking that question as if she was fearful of that happening.  She also had no tolerance for girls liking boys as if she knew something that we did not know and just did not talk about (both parents). TALK TO YOUR KIDS! As I got older it seemed like I was always a target for sexual experimenting. However, me being a victim did not last much longer because I eventually started to build this wall up against boys and people period. I grew to be a tomboy and was tough with the boys. I did not really understand why I was like this at that time, but I do remember not wanting guys to like me because it made me uncomfortable, so that could be why I was tomboyish. And it would be several that liked me, so it seemed like I was always uncomfortable.

During these times, I remember developing a sexual type desire. Not to the point of getting involved with guys sexually but because I experienced arousal at an early age, and it was out of my control, I later started to masturbate. I understand now that the violation opened up the door for this to be something I experimented with.  I do not remember how I even started doing it, but I was way too young. I did this off and on until I got older. I had never had sex, but I knew what it felt like to have an orgasm. As a young child somehow, I just knew it was wrong and ALWAYS felt bad afterwards. I may have felt bad only because of the trauma I experienced from the molestation and maybe even because God allowed me experience that feeling of guilt to teach me that it was wrong, all because of that grip I had on him(possibly). So, when I was older, I would still feel bad and repent when I did anything sexual. By the time I started having sex, I was not amazed, and I would still feel bad afterwards. Because I had been violated as a child, I was being built to be a victim to satan’s devices. I became so lost in the world that the unhealthy wall I had up, was easily torn down. I grew up uncomfortable with my body and intimacy but somehow, I was able to become comfortable just enough to engage in sex. I did not like for my body to be looked at or touched but it still responded as if I did because that is just how corrupt the flesh is, so it was like I was caught in a crossfire when It came to being involved in any type of intimacy. I was on my way to failure and more destruction as I continued with life. So, what I now understand/believe is that from the age of 3 or 4, satan was working on me and I was being built to be a slave to sexual sin, insecurity, fear, and much more. Because of this, I was able to become a victim of substance abuse so easily because it was a great way to escape the reality of my flaws and a way to hide behind what I had experience sexually and escape the basic stress of being a confused teen. BUT GOD!

                                                    The Call……

I shared those stories briefly with hopes that they would encourage mothers and women overall to watch more closely to your daughters and to your children in general, and to show how easy it is to set your child up to become prey for the evil one. It is important to talk to your children openly as it is appropriate and most importantly, you must have a God based foundation for the upbringing of your children. God is the only secure way to raise a child(ren). I hope that my transparency did not make you uncomfortable, but rather girded and prepared you more for life. You must understand that the only way to understand higher level things of God, in order to recognize the works of satan, is by experiencing the most uncomfortable things that your mind and spirit can bare and then learn to respond to those things with the help and instruction from the word of God. God knew just how much I could bare. He had a plan!

I like to believe that God was calling me out of the world the moment I met my husband. Although, he too was in the world (a sinner) at the time, I believe God still used him to reach me. When I met him, I was in college, really living that wild, worldly, and reckless lifestyle. Most of my days consisted of lots of marijuana, alcohol, partying, and unmartial sex. This was literally my lifestyle from my junior/senior year in high school up until I was a senior in college. This was not the lifestyle I imagined living at all. In fact, I was completely against that way of living probably until I was about 15/16 years old. And when I say against it, I do not mean that I stopped being against it, I just gave up the efforts in staying uninvolved in that way of living. It did not take long at all before I became what I said I never would become. [satan works swiftly in capturing his prey]. I was not raised to live that way, in fact, my parents were raising us in a way to keep us from falling into that way of life, but hey, what else is a girl to do when Godly principles were not a part of the teaching of her foundation(household) and the world of sin was closing in all around her?

Keynote: GODLY PRINCIPLES! You can raise a child in whatever way you feel is best for them, or to the best of your ability in order to keep them away from destruction, but if GOD is not the source of that foundation that influences that way in which you are raising them, then the chances of them falling prey to satans devices and not being able to bounce back from those traps is much greater. Learn all you can about Jesus, then you will understand more about how to raise these babies. “Train up a child in the way he shall go and when he is old, he will not depart from it” (KJV Proverbs 22:6). “Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life” ( KJV John 14:6), therefore, teach these children that Jesus is the way and help them have a chance to defeat the devil and live and have life more abundantly. “The thief cometh not, but to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have it more abundantly” ( KJV John 10:10).

                                                                 Story Time……

Myself and two of my college girls met “Q wit uh K” one night on campus. He did not attend college there, he was the “delivery man”. His personality was attractive to me at this time (even though he say today that he would have never even been so social had he not been under the influence, so I thank God that he was!lol) which is why I believe we chose to kick it with him that night via his request. So, the four of us ended up hot boxing (smoking the car out) that night, and from that night forward he was always around. He was like our big brother/mentor. I think we all hung out almost every day. Smoking and drinking on the regular. It was during this time that I gained a measure of respect for him through his actions, his conversation concerning life, and certain comments that he made that reminded me of things related to that of God, which made me look at him in a different way. It was also eventually understood that he was trying to help us in the midst of whatever other motives he had in   being around us initially. Although I did not treat him like I respected him, I did. If you remember from the previous story time, I had issues with expressing how I felt since a young child, and you see now as an adult, it carried over and I still struggled with that. It was mostly when dealing with guys more than anyone else because as I stated previously, I had this wall up when dealing with them, and even though I could maintain a relationship I always kept my guard up. We had spent so much time together that we were like family.

Months after meeting and gaining a relationship with him (a homeboy/ homegirl type relationship), he disappeared from us for a while because he felt like we were too far gone to be helped. I was sad when he went away and always tried to get him to come back around. I did not understand his motive for hanging out with us for as long as he did but for whatever reason, I wanted him around all the time. However, during his separation time I got a boyfriend, and was pursuing this relationship fully. Like me and this guy were planning on getting married one day, it was “serious”. Q wit uh K use to always tell us “NO BOYFRIENDS” in his long teaching sessions and it always stuck with me, but again. I was too weak inside to reverence the advice enough to stay away from the boyfriend. Of course, we did not fully understand why he would tell us that, but it was for our own good on a level that we could not comprehend. But rookie ol me went and got a boyfriend anyway, smh. Ironically, I had not had a boyfriend in years, and it was because of a conversation q wit uh k had previously that pushed me to even accept a boyfriend. I later learned that it was due to my misunderstanding of that conversation that made me go against the boyfriend rule. ALWAYS UNDERSTAND A THING BEFORE YOU ACT ON IT.

 So, after his disappearing for some time, he came back into the picture, and to his surprise I had this boyfriend. He could not believe that I had went and got a boyfriend after he had preached to us how we should not be running around getting boyfriends. I understand now exactly why he preached this to us. It was not only to keep boys away from us like a parent or big brother would do, but it was also to protect us from getting into a situation that would possibly be detrimental to our LIFE, because he knew that we did not understand the seriousness of the risks on the level that he did, or on any level as far as God was concerned.

  Now today, I fully understand why he was against us having boyfriends. He cared about us, and though we were all sinners, our body is still a temple to house God’s spirit, sacred and he understood this. “What? Know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost [which is] in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own (KJV 1 Corinthians 6:19) Therefore, to just be running around having sex without being married was a no no! He also knew the intention of young guys a lot more than we thought we knew, most definitely the ones who were not men of God, and it would only be a matter of time before we ended up heartbroken trusting in these ungodly boyfriends. Hopefully by now you understand that this man was knowledgeable and different.

So, throughout my relationship with this guy, Q wit uh K would still kick it with us, and of course preach and teach us about things concerning life. He also was able to get my attention enough to influence me to pursue him as my man, rather than just my homeboy. I know you are probably thinking, well how is he trying to be somebody man, but suggested to them that they not have a boyfriend. Yes, I know, but trust me, it was necessary. God tends to operate in ways that our basic mind cannot even begin to comprehend. It wasn’t about him just wanting to be my man (not my “boyfriend”) but he was seeking to save my soul with knowledge given to him through our Father God. (ONLY God can save our soul, just saying).

I was not his type, nor was I who he would have chosen to pursue, but because he truly cared about my LIFE, just as he did my other college girls, he took a risk on me for reasons that dealt with me being so messed up but having the potential to elevate. This is just who he is, truly. He believes that he cares about people on a level similar to the way God loves each and every one of us. But of course, no one is on God’s level except for our Lord and savior Jesus Christ. So being that I had gone off and possibly ruined my whole life even the more according to God’s will, he felt like he had to “save” me. He wanted me to choose between him and that boyfriend. I was in a tough position, I was emotionally attached to my boyfriend and did not want to hurt his feelings by leaving him, but K.E.W(Q) had won me over by the knowledge he carried that seemed so honest and pure, even as a sinner. It was a battle getting me to choose. Fortunately, after a lot of mind wrestling, I accepted, I left my boyfriend, and chose K.E.W.(Q). Because of that decision, I believe I escaped possible future hurt and destruction that I could not see that awaited ahead with being in this relationship with this boyfriend, so I thank my father always for pursuing and saving me through my husband. DON’T DESTROY YOUR LIFE DOING WHAT YOU KNOW IS NOT RIGHT JUST BECAUSE YOU DON’T WANT TO LOOK FOR THE CRASH THAT MAY WAIT AHEAD BECAUSE OF THE IN THE MOMENT PLEASURES. THOSE FLESHLEY DESIRES CAN KILL YOU! NO BOYFRIENDS! (Don’t settle for anyone because of their potential. My marriage is a direct reflection of this being important. I will talk about that at another time).

                                                Teaching Time…..

We are now moving on to the fruit of this book. I hope that I did not lose you with the History portion of my life, but it was necessary here, Now, for those of you who have not yet made the commitment to be a woman of God, my suggestion to you is this: IT IS TIME! (the call). Time to surrender and walk towards what is intended for you through our Father in Heaven. It is time to understand your life and your purpose under God. Remember that making such a decision is not based upon whether you are ready, it is about being willing. Just do it!😊 My Hope is that this book will help prepare you for your walk, ultimately making your journey a lot easier than mine. Through the hearing of my trails, testimonies, and teachings, you should be able to pass your tests and endure your trials quicker if you are able to understand and pick up on the necessity of the sharing of these specific stories of my life. Hopefully, you will do better than myself, so that you can understand your situations as you go through them and respond and act accordingly due to your new understanding.

For the women of God who are needing guidance or just a little boost of strength, this book will help you tremendously. I hope that it will encourage you to stay strong in ALL circumstances, help you to always have faith, and remind you to always pay attention to the details of your actions and situations, but most importantly I hope that it pushes you to continue to identify and change the ungodly ways that you may still possess no matter how hard or impossible it seems. It is time to take it up a notch in your walk. We have a duty to fulfill, and I believe that is the main goal when serving God.

For many people it is a struggle to understand the things they go through, and it is an even bigger struggle to respond to these things with the correct thinking in order to endure certain circumstances. This problem stems from hiding from known truths, which leads to not being able to recognize your own problems or flaws in order to acknowledge them and then work to change them. Some may read that and not believe it is possible to be ignorant of your own problems. And I am assuming that, only because I was one who did not know or believe that I had certain issues that I did in fact have. So, I am going to give you a little background on how this was discovered.

Story time…..

I faced many problems in my relationship with my husband prior to marriage and during still do today. I believe that because I had such a hard time accepting the fact that I had serious issues within, it played a big part in the consistency of these problems. These problems were exposed throughout my relationship and were undeniable. Like I mentioned previously, I spent a lot of my later teen years suppressing unidentifiable and unknown issues that were developed as a child on into adolescence with heavy smoking and drinking. This was because I had hid from the truth of what had happened to me as a child and kept it a secret until the point where the effects of that trauma was invisible to me. So, during the years of one of the biggest transitions of my life(college), I did not give myself the chance to even understand or deal with myself, which could have literally costed me my life because of the way I was living; reckless. This is not to say that I did not learn any valuable lessons about life during this time, because I did. These lessons just were not valuable enough to prepare me for the next transition of my life, which was marriage, and even less valuable for life under God.

Therefore, it is essential ladies for you right now to dedicate your time to paying attention to yourself, identify all of your past traumas, if any, so that you can identify the possible reasons for your flaws, and then work on fixing them. At this point even if there is a person to blame for your traumas, it is now up to you to take fault for what you became because it is going to be up to you to change. This will not be an easy task, but it will take dedication and consistency. If you are one who is involved with things that will prevent you from paying attention to your every action and feeling, I suggest you stop that thing immediately. Things like drinking, smoking, excessive tv watching, excessive talking on the phone, social media, hanging out with “friends”/family, ect. You need to spend as much time with yourself as possible. By doing this, you will be able to see the things you put most of your focus into, and then be forced to see yourself outside of what you are addicted to. It is impossible to live your life the way it is intended as far as God is concerned unless you fix yourself first. {But STOPPPING ALL KNOW SIN is first above all}. The history potion was intended to show you how to do this. By dissecting my past, I was able to find the root of my problems and makes sense out of my life so that I could understand how to fix my life. The answer for your problems will come from the word of God once you identify the root problems from your past. And it does not have to be from the past of your childhood, it could be from any past events at any point of your life.

I did not learn or except in my heart that I had bitterness, selfishness, jealousy, pride, laziness, and I carried a bad attitude until I was already committed to a marriage. As you see, these are all characteristics of wickedness. However, for a long time I was in denial that I could even have any of these things be a part of my being. I thought I was fine, so it did not make sense to me. It took years for me to see and accept that it was true. And just to say, I was full of PRIDE. It is like a deadly disease. “God hates a proud look” (Proverbs 6:17). I learned that if you do not work to get rid of your issues, then they will produce problems in your life that you never thought would occur. Most definitely trying to please God. They will control you and have you locked in a box with sin. “For the wages of sin is death” (Romans 6:23). You will not grow without changing your sinful ways. During this time, be sure to focus on how you respond to things you do not agree with. As people of God, we must learn to respond properly to ALL things, but in order to do so you have to understand how your own flaws may contribute to your inability to do so. Though I understand these things to be true, I want you all to know that still today I am not fully delivered from these things. I strive daily to be purged. You must understand that changing does not happen overnight. It is a process, so give yourself grace as you work to be free from wickedness.

While working on and getting to know yourself, you must put just as much energy into trying to learn as much as you can about God, because it is Him who created us to be reflections of Him. Refer to the bible FIRST. I believe that by doing these things, you will be on your way to becoming the woman our Father created you to be.

                                                            Quick story…….

I initially began writing this book in 2018. I was lying in bed one day and the title of it just popped in my head. I like to believe that it was the holy spirit. At this point of my life, I was going through the toughest times yall! (just had a flashback lol). Immediately after hearing the title, I understood that it was a book title, and I knew what it would be about. However, I had no idea that it would take me two years to write it. You can say that laziness eventually outweighed my dedication, but I now believe that it was God’s will (possibly). Over the course of the two years, each time I went to finish the book it always felt like it was something missing. I would always feel the need to take something out or add something in. The add ins were always new things (just like this paragraph). I guess it just was not time yet. I had to live a little longer, go through a little more. Become a bit wiser. I thought I was going to sit and write it in a day, and have it published within a few weeks. I thought I had it all figured out. I took what I had heard that day in the bed and ran nowhere with it. I only knew in part what needed to be in it. I did not know it would take two more years of living for it to be complete. I said all that to say, God’s timing is not our timing ladies. “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. As heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts”. KJV Isaiah 55:8-9. His time is ALL the time, but we cannot force something that is believed to be from God to fit our timing. This is for the people who are really choosing to practice living for God. We cannot waist time on ungodly things, so we must move in a way that allows the timing of God to maneuver us. God is not on your time; you are on His time. I do not have the answer for how we specifically do that, but I do believe that if we work on all the things mentioned in this book, He will direct us. “Thus also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead” KJV James 2:17.

I would now just like to apologize for the transition/flow of the book. Like I stated previously, I have been taking away and adding for the past two years. (Not two years straight guys, there were definitely long periods where there was no labor being applied). I hope that no one gets confused or distracted because of it, I just want you to focus on applying the basic information given in this book to your life in order to possibly get closer to who God intends for you to be.                                       

                                                            Teaching time……..

            I am now going to switch things up a bit. Because this book is geared towards women and becoming the best version of yourself possible in the eyes of God, I have to make the involvement with men a focus point to help you all a little further.

            I am not an encourager of women seeking out a spouse or even a supporter of women having boyfriends. [If you remember, Q wit uh K taught me this first, so again shouts out to him]. This is because it opens the door for sin to enter and other unnecessary emotional damage and confusion. I originally started this section off with “It is time to choose your men wisely ladies”, but I realized that the statement was out of order. What I wanted to say is, It is time realize what a potential husband should “look” like when he is presented to you. I am talking about husbands at this point because some women cannot become who they were created to be without the head of a man/husband. (And regardless of what a man may think, I believe that some men can not become who they were intended to be without a wife) (my opinion). A lot of times women have a “standard” set for what we desire for a husband but lack the basic required standard for being a valued woman. And then that standard held for these men do not align with what God requires.  Therefore, if your desire to be a married woman of God, your choosing should not be according to his looks, his money, how great his sex may be, how nice he treats you, or by how much he tells you he love you and admire your outer appearance. All these things are just deceptive tools to distract you from what you are really supposed to be looking for in a man/potential husband. And I am not saying that just because a man does all these things, it automatically means that he is trying to deceive you, it may just mean that he lacks understanding of how these actions can be used to manipulate or deceive a woman. That is why we must be careful who we choose to pursue, because most of us have been deceived our whole lives. So, if you are with a man right now for any of these reasons and do not know his relationship with or intentions with you concerning God, you need to reevaluate yourself as well as that relationship with this man. What I have learned from my relationship with my husband is that if you choose to pursue a man, it has to be about the Fathers business. Meaning, if you are a woman of God or if you desire to become one you need to find interest in a man who is also either a Man of God already or who is looking to become one in the very near future. Pay attention to his characteristics, his choice of conversation, the type of company he keeps, his hobbies, ect. You should pretty much be comparing his characteristic to those of Jesus Christ. So, first, get your bible and learn the characteristics of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

I believe that it is intended for a woman who decides to marry to be led by a man that can help/teach her how to become the best woman of God that she can be. Though I believe that to be true, I believe that it is most important for you to be on your journey with God long before pursuing marriage. It is meant for a woman to help and man in marriage, so if you are not at a certain level spiritually before entering into marriage then your marriage will be as difficult as mine has been because how can you help someone when you need most of the help yourself. You will be a hindrance if you are not capable to help your spouse. Help him to be able to help you become who you need to be for God. We are help meets for them first ladies. So, take this into consideration when considering a man who can possibly become your husband. Get yourself in order with God FIRST. I can bet you will not regret it. Let me tell you why.

I spent a lot of my intimate times with God during the times I was separated from my husband. I received the fire in my heart for Jesus during those times, and they are the very moments that sustain me daily. Had I not been separated; I may have never been able to build that personal relationship with our father. There were times during my separation that I would be so high off of the word, that I literally wanted to be in heaven with Jesus. God allowed those seasons for a reason. I believe he wanted me to experience Him alone so that I can understand that HE is the TRUE HEAD, because when you get married, that relationship with God becomes a little distant because your husband is now your head(distraction). That is why it is important that your husband is on one accord with the living God so that the marriage itself does not become a distraction that separates the both of you from the faith. ENJOY YOUR SINGLENESS!

                                                    Quick Story…….

I wanted to quickly share with you all about things I encountered/encounter as a woman of God today that is still shaping me into becoming the woman of God that I am intended to be in its fullness. I will speak about my marriage briefly because this is where many of my trials and tribulations stem from as I journey on my walk. Long story short, out of the almost 4 years of marriage, my husband was a sinner for most of those years. This is not including the years that we both were sinners before the marriage. He is a man of God today, but I am just going to say that when he was not, he lived as a sinner in all of its fullness. If you can catch my point of stating that you will understand the many things I had to accept and go through with that being so, as a woman of God. Being that he was the reason and hand that led me to being a woman of God I was able to stay. Along with finding out and understanding these scriptures, “ For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by is wife” (1 Corinthians 7:14), “And the woman which hath and husband that beleiveth not(a sinner), and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him” ( 1 Corinthians 7:13).  He really lived out the scripture “Because you are lukewarm-neither hot nor cold, I am about to spit you out of my mouth”. Let me tell you, he was NOT lukewarm at all! Because of that, I was broken down completely. This is how that pride started to break off of me. Lord have mercy! These were the times when all of my flaws were exposed to me. I faced so much turmoil in my marriage. However, it was used to eventually shape me, which allowed me to understand that it was all necessary for my growth. It was much turmoil mainly because of the weakness and damage inside of me. Had I sought my purpose before this relationship, I believe that my marriage would have turned out a lot different (may not even be married today though). Today, I still suffer in my marriage because I am still being purged and delivered from what was built in me over the course of my life before giving it to God but I understand that the problems I face is for my growth only. Not only do I suffer because of my flaws, but I am recovering from the damage developed over the course of the entire sinful relationship which was out of order overall. But for me and my journey, my marriage is the story line/source of my becoming which is why I am able help you in the area of relationships as far as God is concerned with these men. I am about the Father’s business in this thing.

Now, considering the info mentioned, I want you all right now, to evaluate your current life and relationship status. Do you have a boyfriend, are you engaged, are you just having sex with a guy that you are cool with, are you just going with the flow of life having sex with whomever you connect with best? Are you a sinner as far as the bible say? Well…..  First, whatever the case may be, if you are on a path of trying to live righteous according to God, and you are having sex, you should STOP NOW! If you are not looking to pursue a Godly lifestyle just take notes. You should not be practicing sin as a believer. Secondly, you need to evaluate this person who you are involved with. Evaluating to see and understand his motives for being involved with you. Does he believe in Jesus? Does he want to get married? Does he talk about getting married? How does he feel about marriage? What are his plans in life as far as God is concerned? Again, what characteristics does he display, and how do they relate or not relate to the characteristics Christ? These things are very essential to know when you are involved with a guy. Most definitely if you are one desiring to live as a person of God. A lot of times we as women can get so caught up in the sex, the sweet talk, the money, the status quo, and who knows what else, while ignoring the most important things about a man that will tell us whether he is one to be pursued or not and eventually catapult us into who we should be as women of God. Those things mentioned above means NOTHING as far as God is concerned. A man can be the best at pleasing you sexually and have the best conversations, but have no reverence for God’s truth, and will be able to win your heart over. My sisters, this is out of order! Just because a man will pay your bills and buy you CHANNEL bags/accessories does not mean a thing, if in doing so he has no desire to make sure that you are being the best you that you can be in ALL areas of your life. Can he help you become the best version of you? Can you help him by being the best version of yourself? Physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Can he lead you?  After evaluating him, while having these things in mind, you should be able to now decide whether this guy will work with you. You cannot become emotionally attached to these guys because it will hinder you. An emotional attachment to someone is dangerous. It opens the door for many ungodly characteristics to form in your being and may also cause you to become blind to or incapable of even being able to see the flaws possessed by this person. Causing you to fail at becoming the best the woman that God intended you to be.

Now, if you missed my motive for writing what I have written in this partial autobiography/encouragement book, then I will do a brief recap of my point. So again, I wanted to encourage you ladies to become who God wants you to be by sharing some of my personal and uncomfortable life experiences, in order to motivate you to dig deep in your hidden memories and find out what may have caused the flaw in your being, which may be the very thing that is preventing you from being at your greatest potential. I learned that digging up the root of the very thing that built you, will expose the hand of the enemy so that his works may be destroyed in your life, through your seeking of godly understanding. It is going to take honesty and courage to face these roots(demons). I then wanted to give you some special tools to use while taking on this fight that I learned as I was fighting. [it is a constant fight to walk by the laws of God]. I wanted you all to see the things that made me a wretched woman and then to see how God still loved and saved me from that wickedness, with hopes that you may understand that He can do the same for you. He used my worst traumas from a toddler to turn me into an evolving woman of faith. He took the very things that broke me to build be back up. I am still not at the mountain top but daily I strive to reach it, and you should strive for the same. You are loved by God, and IT IS TIME you live like it. You can accept this reading as a call from Jesus or simply an encouragement. Either way, with the information you have read and understand, you will be held accountable. May God be with you as you move forward in life.

By: Tammy Ham aka Treale

Written between the years of 2018-2020: Finished on 12/14/20

Release Date: January 1, 2021

Be inspired today

God Loves You sis!

TO GOD I GIVE ALL THE GLORY!


*FULL AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF TAMMY S. HAM*

Saturday May 22, 2021:

My full legal name is Tammy Shanetta Ham. I’m not sure who named me but I guess it doesn’t really matter. I was born and raised in Hartsville, South Carolina. My mother’s name is Lola Ham Robinson, who is married to Dominick Robinson, aka Dee, my dad. I don’t usually use the term dad anymore these days just because I’ve been influenced to only reverence God as my Father. This influence made sense to me understanding that God is THE FATHER, so that is who I reverence as Dad, Father, etc. But for the purposes of telling this story, I will be using the terms dad and daddy. However, at any point you see “male parent” used, just know that it is referring to my earthly “dad”. I didn’t call Dee “dad” ever in my life, I called him “Dee” because as far as I was taught and understood, he was my step dad. I thought I would explain this later in the story but I’ll just speak briefly on just to clarify some genealogy info. So, Steven James is who I knew and recognized as my real dad. This is who I called “daddy”. I’ll get into the relationship that we had later. It wasn’t until later in life that it was revealed to me that my daddy (Steven James) wasn’t my biological dad and that Dee was actually the biological dad of me. No blood work was done, this is just the word for my mother. Crazy I know. I’ll talk more about it later. So, at this point in my life, 2021, I have my Mother Lola, My dad Dee(as far as my mama and Dee say), and my daddy Steven James (my daddy, but not biologically). Stay tuned for the in debt details of this whole entanglement. I have 4 siblings. Three that I grew up in the house with me and one from my daddy Steven James who I’ve only seen in person a few times because he lived and was raised up North and had a different mother, his name is Desaint. Neke, Kiasiah, and Lil D are the three siblings I lived with and grew up with and shared the same mother. Neke is the oldest, Kiasiah next, then me, and lastly my baby brother Lil D. For now, those are the only family members that will be mentioned to begin this story.

I will begin from the earliest memory that I have as a child. I’m not sure how old I was, but if I had to guess I’ll say that I was about 2 or 3 years old. At this time we were living in this small trailer down the road from the house that I actually grew up in. One of the only memories that I really have at this trailer is the room that my sisters and I shared(I’m not sure if my brother was born yet or if he was just a small baby), and the white neighbors that we had who were like our “best friends” at the time. We would go over to their house and play all the time. There wasn’t anything majorly significant about this time of my life other than the fact that I had no “bad” memories. I was enjoying life I guess. NOTE: (I am going to try and keep the timeline of my life in order, however I will be skipping through some details because of course I don’t remember everything and everything single thing is not important enough to be mentioned. But let me say, whatever I do mention in this story, it’s important so just try and pay close attention so that you can catch the significance of the flow of my life). So again, during this time of life while living at this trailer, I don’t remember any negative situations.

Now, moving on into the ages of what I assume was ages 4 and 5. By this point we were living in the house that I grew up in. It was a big brick 2 story house with 4 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms. Kiasiah and I shared a room, and Neke and lil d had their own room. My siblings and I had a very close relationship. We did fight and argue a lot but we were still very close. I was closest to Kiasiah growing up, I guess because we were closer in age and we shared the same room for years. She was my “best friend”.(and I put quotations around best friend because I don’t call anyone my friend these days because of this same influencer showing me that an friend according to the Bible isn’t what I thought it was, and it made sense to me so i don’t refer to anyone today as a “friend”) We were only 1 year apart in age. As my brother got older, me and him became very close as well, we were two years apart. Neke was like my other mother growing up. I looked up to her in a role model type of way. To me, she played the role of a big sister during our childhood very well despite the times we would fuss and fight. We are three years apart. I remember that she was who brought the most comfort to me in my times of distress as a child. She was so gentle with us. I remember there was a period of my life where I would wake up crying almost every morning and she was right there every time to help me feel better. I have no idea why I used to wake up sad and crying almost everyday, but I believe it was because it was so early in the morning. If I woke up crying and sad it would always be on a school day.(this was not around the age 2 or 3, I was about 6 or 7). She used to come sit beside me on my bed and stand in front of me and say “let me see you smile Tammy”, and I would crack a fake smile just for her and then I would get up and get ready for school. NOTE: (This information is important for when I reach life around the ages 6-7). I don’t really remember the personal relationship between my mother and I at this time of life, I just remember always wanting her around and her presence making me happy. Not just around the age of 4 and 5 but overall my mother was very private. She didn’t really talk much as far as I can remember. And when I say talk, I mean she didn’t really hold long personal conversations about certain things. If it wasn’t talking about a particular current situation, there was not much talking going on. She worked a lot, and it was also a time when she went to college which took a lot of her time to talk away as well. But anyway, let me stay on topic and address the significance of life around the age of 4 and 5, I’ll speak more about mama later.

Here is when life to me was interrupted with the plan of satan to destroy me. I was in head start when my eyes were exposed to a little boys private area while at school. This little boy use to expose himself to me on purpose. He would tell me to come behind this brick wall that was on the play ground and he would expose himself. As a little girl, I had no idea how to respond to this. It was like in my mind I knew it was wrong but I didn’t have the mind or understanding to tell anyone. He was also my “friend”, so maybe I just didn’t want him to get in trouble. I wonder today if I eventually I stopped looking when he would ask me to come behind that wall. I can’t say if it happened often or not but it is a vivid memory that I have from that setting. I guess you can say it scarred me, being that it is tucked away in the memory. It’s crazy how the works of satan, trauma, never leaves the memory. Now, the real question is, where were the teachers/supervision? How was he able to do that if someone was watching? We are talking about 3 and 4 year olds outside playing together, someone should have been watching and making sure nothing like this could even happen. Watch your kids and be mindful of where you are allowing them to be without you around. Daycare, school, field trips, family/friend houses etc. That was just the beginning. Now watch this. Within this same time frame of life, I begin being molested. I believe I was between 3 and 5. I had no understanding of what this meant at the time or why it was happening. It would happen occasionally when I would go to this particular house. I enjoyed being with this person that brought me to the house, but once night hit the house became a fearful place for me. The young man who lived there that molested me had to be a teenager at the time or maybe even a pre teen. He was always very nice to me and always did nice things for me. So I guess you can say I trusted him. And I say trusted him because I remember looking at him like a big brother in a way, but it wasn’t until night that he would take advantage of me. I’m not quite sure who made the decision for me to let me sleep with him on certain nights, but that is how he was able to take advantage of me. The person who I was there with initially would have male company so I believe that it was easy for them to decide for me to not sleep in the room with her being that had someone else sleeping with her. I do vaguely remember being asked if I wanted to sleep in the room with him while him(the offender) her and me were standing in the hallway trying to make a decision. I have no idea what my answer was but certain nights the decision was made for me to sleep in his room. Terrible decision. I can’t say exactly how many times this happened, but I’m almost certain it was more than a few. I vividly remember being in his room when the act took place, and in the middle of it running to the front door of the house that was always open, crying. I remember having on white undergarments, which I assume were panties and no shirt. He would run and get me and try to get me to stop crying, but as I think about it now and remember, it’s like at certain times he would leave me at the door crying and the woman that I was there with would hear me and come get me, I guess assuming that I wanted her and that’s why I was crying. He never penetrated my body but he would hunch me from my back side. Now, that’s the end of the details of that story. I never told anyone about this until I was 22 years old. Again, as I mentioned previously how I never told anyone about the boy exposing his private part, it was the same way with this situation. Pay attention because it would become a trend for my response to these type things. If you read that and got offended in any way, I’m sorry. Sharing that information is a part of my life story that I hope will benefit someone in whatever way God sees fit for it to benefit. I didn’t share it to bash anybody in any way, but to show how evil satan is to desire the blood and mind of an innocent child and to show how important it is for parents and guardians to be mindful of this and beware of where you allow your child to go without you. WATCH YOUR KIDS and OTHER PEOPLE KIDS! I don’t have much more memories from this house other than this, so I’ll move on to the next most significant thing that’s connected to this story.

As I mentioned before about the man child that exposed his penis to me in head start, it’s not ironic how this same boy ended up in my 5k class when I moved to an entire new school. This school was specifically for 5 year olds so my age at this time is exact. The school was in the same town of Hartsville, but there were several other 5k classes within this school, and it just so happen that we ended up in the same class. Now that I think about it, I believe they separated the classes by last name, so that’s how we ended up in this class together again. But to make a long story, this same boy continued to expose himself to me. Now remember that when you go to the next grade level, you have a few months of summer, meaning no school, so this boy still remembered what he did in head start and continued it in 5k. Satan ain shit! I needed some help. As a very young child I had begun being exposed to the life of sexual sins of immortality, much like many children still are today. Tossed around by the evil wicked one due to the ignorance of parents. I was infected with a evenly seed that begin to be watered as life continued on.

I won’t get into deep detail of anymore of the acts of molestation but to show how Satan was after my neck in this area of sin continuously, I was molested by two more individuals over the next years up to the age of about 9. Smh. Still, I never told anyone about these acts, whether out of fear or just simply because I didn’t want to get them in trouble because at this point I was well aware that it was not ok. During these times, for whatever reason, my mother use to always ask us if anyone had touched us when we got back from spending the night at someone’s house and I would always say no even if that want the truth. Most times, no was the answer but I do remember once when it wasn’t, and I lied. Her and Dee didn’t allow us to spend the night with other people often at all, and the possibility for things like that happening could have been the reason. I remember once wanting to go over a “friends” house and my mother said something like “no because her granddaddy live there and her older brother” implying that she didn’t want us staying anywhere where men or young boys lived. So this shows me that she was aware of the possibilities if inappropriate touching by boys to girls, and didn’t want that to happen to us. I don’t think I made a fuss about that because by that age I was about 10 or 11 so I knew what was up by experience, and understood what she meant by that. Though she showed that she was aware of these type possibilities, she never actually talked with us about it. She would just ask that question when we got back from overnight trips and make vague statements insinuating that she didn’t want us to be touched inappropriately. So speak and teach in detail to your kids parents because unless you are around them every second of the day and taking to them about variance thing s you won’t know what they are thinking half of the time, or what goes on when you are not around them.

By this point of the story, I hope that you have learned something through a very small piece of my life story so far. I know it’s been nothing but negative happenings up to now but it is all necessary and all true. I could have easily skipped to all of the fun parts of my life, but that wouldn’t have allowed anyone to benefit because it would have eliminated the option for you to actually “see “ what shaped my character and personality and see what lead up to the later events that took place later in life. It is important that you see what and who shaped me within, because it can be a catalyst that helps you see what shaped and molded you into who you are today, that is not of God and/or is of God. So my hope in this autobiography is to not just tell my story, but to provoke change through self examination based on the significant events that occurred throughout your life, in order for one to recognize the flaws that were developed because of wicked seeds and past traumas, whatever that may looked like in your life, and work to let God help you change it up for a character and personality that pleases Him. So stay tuned, I’ll get to the fun stuff soon.

CHAPTER 2

TO BE CONTINUED……

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