Tammy Ham

Autobiographical World Member #2…..

Tammy Shanetta Ham March 1, 1993

T.Ham/Tam

Trill

Rill

Introduction

Its God time

By: Tammy Ham

Before I began, I have to first acknowledge and give thanks to our Father God in Heaven for allowing me to receive the knowledge and gain wisdom from my life experiences in order to write this book today with hopes that I can help other women in their lives.

Thank you God

Ladies……….It is time……[smiley face]

In this book, I will be sharing my story as to how I became and am still becoming the woman of God that I was created to be. I believe God allowed/created circumstances just for me, in order to teach me how to endure certain uncomfortable circumstances in order to show me how to live as a TRUE/REAL member of the body of Christ and to help and teach other women and young girls how to do the same.

I will be sharing some of my personal and uncomfortable life experiences that took place prior to becoming a woman of God, as well as things that I encountered and still encounter as a woman of God today. My hope is that through sharing my experiences, it will help someone see the seriousness of this time in which I speak about. So, for some of you, portions of my story will be shocking, and hard to understand its importance, so when we reach those parts of the book, I encourage you all to try your best to understand why my situations were necessary and are what ultimately allows me to transition into what God intends for me to be for Him as His daughter. And please believe that during certain situations, I did not understand the necessity of them fully at that time either. It was not until later when it would make sense. However, I want you to be able to understand your situations and circumstances RIGHT NOW, in the midst of them so that you can be prepared for what God wants for/from you and become the women of God that he has intended for you to be; without having to go through patterns of constant uncomfortable situations without being able to win the battle that you are in, due to your lack of understanding. So, let’s stop the enemy right in his dirty tracks. We can not waste any more time.

Story Time…..

 I will begin by briefly sharing some important life history. I grew up in a home with both parents(married) and three siblings. Two older sisters and one younger brother. My parents became parents at an incredibly young age, so they did not have much knowledge on the correct way to raise children, and most definitely not as far as God was concerned because of how they were raised. However, they did the best they could and made sure we had a roof over our head and did not lack any of the essential daily living needs. We were “well off” if you ask me. I later learned that they did struggled a lot but was able to keep the struggles hidden from us to keep us comfortable. They were extremely strict parents. One reason I say this is because we were not allowed to do a lot of the things that other kids did and was never told WHY. [the why for children or people in general can be the deciding factor of how a person responds to life overall]. I chose this reason to speak about because it is something that had a negative effect on me. It put me in a position as a child to feel like I could not ask questions about things I did not understand, leaving me to have to try and make assumptions and figure important things out on my own. I needed guidance and understanding. Without the WHY, I became a constant thinker, an over thinker. By the time I was a seasoned teenager, I was tired of thinking, literally. I was mainly tired of trying to figure people out and trying to figure out why everyone thought differently than me. I remember vividly when I was in the 11th grade saying to myself that I was tired of thinking. I was watching other people live so “ freely” and I wanted that, so I worked on it but for some reason it did not seem right. I was trying to force myself from elevating and did not even realize it. I just wanted a break. A break from feeling so stressed out from watching people be mean to others, a break from trying to figure my parents motives out for being so strict, and a break from trying to figure myself out. I thought something was wrong with me, but I believe now that God was trying to use that mental separation for my good, but because I did not understand this, I was trying to be free like everyone else. If my parent’s reasons for not allowing us to do the things other kids were doing had anything to do with the fact that it was against the order of God, and was the answer for the WHY, then maybe I would have turned out a little better and understand that we were possibly being set apart for such a greater reason, but instead, I was left to figure those reasons out on my own, only making assumption until I forced myself into sin because of a lack of knowledge. “my people are destroyed because of a lack of knowledge” (Hosea 4:6).

Though, we were not informed of godly principles, I must acknowledge the fact that my mother did have us in church occasionally. It would be periods where we would go to church every Sunday for weeks straight, but then it would just stop and then we will go months without going, and that was the cycle my entire life living at home. Even though we went to church, we never talked about things of God at home. Another thing she taught us, was to say our prayers every night. That became a ritual in our house but that was pretty much it for the God talk. Anything I learned about God or Jesus as a young child was at church.  Even though God was not really instilled in us properly, the little that my mother did do, in regard to God, stuck with me. Those prayers, I assume is why I grew up always praying, and because of going to church, I understood what it meant to repent. And just to say, since I can remember I always took church very serious for some reason. I had developed this grip on God from those experiences, and I believe that it sustained me enough as I went through life until it was God’s time for me to bounce back from that grip satan had on me. You will learn shortly about this grip satan had on me. But God is Good! Just a little bit of Jesus will save ya whole life. He fed 5000 with just five loaves of bread and 2 fish [smiling] (Mathew 14 14-21).

My siblings and I were close growing up but as we got older, college separated us, and we grew apart. We all chose different routes in life, so it was hard to keep that same connection. I remember as a young kid being quiet and distant around new people. I was sometimes this way at home but being around my siblings allowed me to be more social/”free”. My mother use to say I was antisocial. I was, but I did not understand how that was true back then. I had developed a bad attitude growing up and could sometimes be very mean. Contrary to that, I was a sweet girl when necessary and very protective of my family and “friends”. I was also the type of kid that would bully the bullies. I did not like seeing other kids sad or struggling but I would still end up in situations where I would be mean to others for whatever reason. I always felt bad for being mean to people, but I do not remember being able to express that. My parents had us involved in sports starting at a young age, so we spent most of our out of school time either at practice, at games and at family member houses occasionally. We played sports almost year-round and were exceptionally skilled at them. I played basketball, softball, and eventually volleyball. Sports were how I was able to escape the shell I was in and how I built many close relationships with the ladies I grew close with over the years and eventually referred to as my sisters and who would become the “friends” that I grew to be so protective over. I always felt like I was the bodyguard for them. Not in the way of walking around like a big strong man but inside I felt this way. So, from childhood on into my teenage years I kept this same demeanor. It did not affect me negatively in any of my relationships with my girls, but it would soon become an issue in my later years of living.

 Moving forward, by the age of 16 I had gotten sucked into the lifestyle that I saw everyone around me living and was now a certified “lost sinner”. I am assuming that this was after I had made up my mind that I was going to stop thinking so much and live “free” like everyone else. I had lost my virginity at the age of 17 and had gotten involved in smoking and drinking. I was also parting and hosting dance club like parties by this time. I was a black female honors student who always said she would NEVER do the type of things I was doing and had even made a vow to not have sex until I was married. Ha, so much for that. I was living a lifestyle that I was against deep down in my heart but did not have anything strong enough inside of me to keep me from getting sucked into that lifestyle. Even that grip I had on God was not enough because I had no extra substance to accompany that grip. Therefore, as a young adult, I became an active sinner, a developing pot head and alcoholic with horrible characteristics developed from my childhood traumas and the lack of knowledge that I had concerning life period. I was captured by the enemy. Satan ain’t shit!

It was not until I became a woman of God that the reality of my flaws developed over my life span was exposed to me. For my entire life, I could not recognize my flaws, understand them, or figure out why or how they developed. I knew I had a bad attitude and had slight anxiety but aside from that I thought I was fine. I even convinced myself that I was one of the realest females around because I still felt like I was set apart in my heart and in my thinking even though I had chosen to live free like my peers by numbing my thoughts so that I would not have to deal with the day-to-day struggle of being full and stuck in my thoughts. The smoking and drinking helped with this. Silly me, how could that be when I was a sinner.  I had even allowed myself to suppress the truth of what had happened to me as a young child because of how long I kept it a secret.  Because I exposed this secret, I am now able to understand what else allowed/ opened the door for me to be captured by the life of sin so easily. I was a prey for Satan from the very beginning.

Let us move on to this secret I held on to for so long. Along with not having the foundation of God training me in the way I should go in order to help protect me from evil, I was molested around the age of 3 or 4 and then again around age 6 and maybe 7.  I remember when it first started. I do not remember the first day of course but the details of how it would go down, is vivid in this memory. I would always run to the front door that always happened to be open for some reason, to try and get away, but it was always dark and nowhere to escape. I do remember a little light coming through from the streetlights when I would run to the door. Even as I think about it right now, I remember more details. I was so small, and empty of life. Too young to even comprehend what was happening. I never shared this with anyone until I met my husband. He was the first I shared this with.

 The suppression caused me to ignore the effects it had on my whole being. I believe it was one of the main things that built my personality, my fears, and most of my flaws. And It wasn’t that I forgot that this happened to me, I just did not think about it often at all, and who was I going to tell anyway? I did not have that type of relationship with ANYONE to share something like that. I remember feeling embarrassed and always stuck in my thoughts because I could not understand why it kept happening. {I also remember in head start; a man child would always expose his private part to me. He would always take me behind this brick wall and pull it out and show me. The only memory I have about what I thought about it is a blur, but I believe I was only going behind that wall when he asked, was because I looked at him as my “friend” and because I was too young to understand how to say no in a situation like that. I do remember understanding that it was wrong because of him always hiding when he did it.} I shared that just to show how much inappropriate things I was exposed to as a toddler, a complete prey of the enemy. WATCH YOUR KIDS AROUND EVERYONE!

  Anytime we would spend the night away from home when I was around four to maybe nine years old my mother would always ask if anyone touched us. I always said no, even the times when the answer was yes. I remember one day being picked up from the house I was violated at and my mother asking me that question. I had been molested that night before if I am not mistaking, and I still told her no. I felt uncomfortable and scared every time she would ask me that. She never actually sat us down and explained or talked about things like inappropriate touching, sex, or anything of that nature. If she did, I have no memory of it. I remember her just always asking that question as if she was fearful of that happening.  She also had no tolerance for girls liking boys as if she knew something that we did not know and just did not talk about (both parents). TALK TO YOUR KIDS! As I got older it seemed like I was always a target for sexual experimenting. However, me being a victim did not last much longer because I eventually started to build this wall up against boys and people period. I grew to be a tomboy and was tough with the boys. I did not really understand why I was like this at that time, but I do remember not wanting guys to like me because it made me uncomfortable, so that could be why I was tomboyish. And it would be several that liked me, so it seemed like I was always uncomfortable.

During these times, I remember developing a sexual type desire. Not to the point of getting involved with guys sexually but because I experienced arousal at an early age, and it was out of my control, I later started to masturbate. I understand now that the violation opened up the door for this to be something I experimented with.  I do not remember how I even started doing it, but I was way too young. I did this off and on until I got older. I had never had sex, but I knew what it felt like to have an orgasm. As a young child somehow, I just knew it was wrong and ALWAYS felt bad afterwards. I may have felt bad only because of the trauma I experienced from the molestation and maybe even because God allowed me experience that feeling of guilt to teach me that it was wrong, all because of that grip I had on him(possibly). So, when I was older, I would still feel bad and repent when I did anything sexual. By the time I started having sex, I was not amazed, and I would still feel bad afterwards. Because I had been violated as a child, I was being built to be a victim to satan’s devices. I became so lost in the world that the unhealthy wall I had up, was easily torn down. I grew up uncomfortable with my body and intimacy but somehow, I was able to become comfortable just enough to engage in sex. I did not like for my body to be looked at or touched but it still responded as if I did because that is just how corrupt the flesh is, so it was like I was caught in a crossfire when It came to being involved in any type of intimacy. I was on my way to failure and more destruction as I continued with life. So, what I now understand/believe is that from the age of 3 or 4, satan was working on me and I was being built to be a slave to sexual sin, insecurity, fear, and much more. Because of this, I was able to become a victim of substance abuse so easily because it was a great way to escape the reality of my flaws and a way to hide behind what I had experience sexually and escape the basic stress of being a confused teen. BUT GOD!

                                                    The Call……

I shared those stories briefly with hopes that they would encourage mothers and women overall to watch more closely to your daughters and to your children in general, and to show how easy it is to set your child up to become prey for the evil one. It is important to talk to your children openly as it is appropriate and most importantly, you must have a God based foundation for the upbringing of your children. God is the only secure way to raise a child(ren). I hope that my transparency did not make you uncomfortable, but rather girded and prepared you more for life. You must understand that the only way to understand higher level things of God, in order to recognize the works of satan, is by experiencing the most uncomfortable things that your mind and spirit can bare and then learn to respond to those things with the help and instruction from the word of God. God knew just how much I could bare. He had a plan!

I like to believe that God was calling me out of the world the moment I met my husband. Although, he too was in the world (a sinner) at the time, I believe God still used him to reach me. When I met him, I was in college, really living that wild, worldly, and reckless lifestyle. Most of my days consisted of lots of marijuana, alcohol, partying, and unmartial sex. This was literally my lifestyle from my junior/senior year in high school up until I was a senior in college. This was not the lifestyle I imagined living at all. In fact, I was completely against that way of living probably until I was about 15/16 years old. And when I say against it, I do not mean that I stopped being against it, I just gave up the efforts in staying uninvolved in that way of living. It did not take long at all before I became what I said I never would become. [satan works swiftly in capturing his prey]. I was not raised to live that way, in fact, my parents were raising us in a way to keep us from falling into that way of life, but hey, what else is a girl to do when Godly principles were not a part of the teaching of her foundation(household) and the world of sin was closing in all around her?

Keynote: GODLY PRINCIPLES! You can raise a child in whatever way you feel is best for them, or to the best of your ability in order to keep them away from destruction, but if GOD is not the source of that foundation that influences that way in which you are raising them, then the chances of them falling prey to satans devices and not being able to bounce back from those traps is much greater. Learn all you can about Jesus, then you will understand more about how to raise these babies. “Train up a child in the way he shall go and when he is old, he will not depart from it” (KJV Proverbs 22:6). “Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life” ( KJV John 14:6), therefore, teach these children that Jesus is the way and help them have a chance to defeat the devil and live and have life more abundantly. “The thief cometh not, but to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have it more abundantly” ( KJV John 10:10).

                                                                 Story Time……

Myself and two of my college girls met “Q wit uh K” one night on campus. He did not attend college there, he was the “delivery man”. His personality was attractive to me at this time (even though he say today that he would have never even been so social had he not been under the influence, so I thank God that he was!lol) which is why I believe we chose to kick it with him that night via his request. So, the four of us ended up hot boxing (smoking the car out) that night, and from that night forward he was always around. He was like our big brother/mentor. I think we all hung out almost every day. Smoking and drinking on the regular. It was during this time that I gained a measure of respect for him through his actions, his conversation concerning life, and certain comments that he made that reminded me of things related to that of God, which made me look at him in a different way. It was also eventually understood that he was trying to help us in the midst of whatever other motives he had in   being around us initially. Although I did not treat him like I respected him, I did. If you remember from the previous story time, I had issues with expressing how I felt since a young child, and you see now as an adult, it carried over and I still struggled with that. It was mostly when dealing with guys more than anyone else because as I stated previously, I had this wall up when dealing with them, and even though I could maintain a relationship I always kept my guard up. We had spent so much time together that we were like family.

Months after meeting and gaining a relationship with him (a homeboy/ homegirl type relationship), he disappeared from us for a while because he felt like we were too far gone to be helped. I was sad when he went away and always tried to get him to come back around. I did not understand his motive for hanging out with us for as long as he did but for whatever reason, I wanted him around all the time. However, during his separation time I got a boyfriend, and was pursuing this relationship fully. Like me and this guy were planning on getting married one day, it was “serious”. Q wit uh K use to always tell us “NO BOYFRIENDS” in his long teaching sessions and it always stuck with me, but again. I was too weak inside to reverence the advice enough to stay away from the boyfriend. Of course, we did not fully understand why he would tell us that, but it was for our own good on a level that we could not comprehend. But rookie ol me went and got a boyfriend anyway, smh. Ironically, I had not had a boyfriend in years, and it was because of a conversation q wit uh k had previously that pushed me to even accept a boyfriend. I later learned that it was due to my misunderstanding of that conversation that made me go against the boyfriend rule. ALWAYS UNDERSTAND A THING BEFORE YOU ACT ON IT.

 So, after his disappearing for some time, he came back into the picture, and to his surprise I had this boyfriend. He could not believe that I had went and got a boyfriend after he had preached to us how we should not be running around getting boyfriends. I understand now exactly why he preached this to us. It was not only to keep boys away from us like a parent or big brother would do, but it was also to protect us from getting into a situation that would possibly be detrimental to our LIFE, because he knew that we did not understand the seriousness of the risks on the level that he did, or on any level as far as God was concerned.

  Now today, I fully understand why he was against us having boyfriends. He cared about us, and though we were all sinners, our body is still a temple to house God’s spirit, sacred and he understood this. “What? Know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost [which is] in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own (KJV 1 Corinthians 6:19) Therefore, to just be running around having sex without being married was a no no! He also knew the intention of young guys a lot more than we thought we knew, most definitely the ones who were not men of God, and it would only be a matter of time before we ended up heartbroken trusting in these ungodly boyfriends. Hopefully by now you understand that this man was knowledgeable and different.

So, throughout my relationship with this guy, Q wit uh K would still kick it with us, and of course preach and teach us about things concerning life. He also was able to get my attention enough to influence me to pursue him as my man, rather than just my homeboy. I know you are probably thinking, well how is he trying to be somebody man, but suggested to them that they not have a boyfriend. Yes, I know, but trust me, it was necessary. God tends to operate in ways that our basic mind cannot even begin to comprehend. It wasn’t about him just wanting to be my man (not my “boyfriend”) but he was seeking to save my soul with knowledge given to him through our Father God. (ONLY God can save our soul, just saying).

I was not his type, nor was I who he would have chosen to pursue, but because he truly cared about my LIFE, just as he did my other college girls, he took a risk on me for reasons that dealt with me being so messed up but having the potential to elevate. This is just who he is, truly. He believes that he cares about people on a level similar to the way God loves each and every one of us. But of course, no one is on God’s level except for our Lord and savior Jesus Christ. So being that I had gone off and possibly ruined my whole life even the more according to God’s will, he felt like he had to “save” me. He wanted me to choose between him and that boyfriend. I was in a tough position, I was emotionally attached to my boyfriend and did not want to hurt his feelings by leaving him, but K.E.W(Q) had won me over by the knowledge he carried that seemed so honest and pure, even as a sinner. It was a battle getting me to choose. Fortunately, after a lot of mind wrestling, I accepted, I left my boyfriend, and chose K.E.W.(Q). Because of that decision, I believe I escaped possible future hurt and destruction that I could not see that awaited ahead with being in this relationship with this boyfriend, so I thank my father always for pursuing and saving me through my husband. DON’T DESTROY YOUR LIFE DOING WHAT YOU KNOW IS NOT RIGHT JUST BECAUSE YOU DON’T WANT TO LOOK FOR THE CRASH THAT MAY WAIT AHEAD BECAUSE OF THE IN THE MOMENT PLEASURES. THOSE FLESHLEY DESIRES CAN KILL YOU! NO BOYFRIENDS! (Don’t settle for anyone because of their potential. My marriage is a direct reflection of this being important. I will talk about that at another time).

                                                Teaching Time…..

We are now moving on to the fruit of this book. I hope that I did not lose you with the History portion of my life, but it was necessary here, Now, for those of you who have not yet made the commitment to be a woman of God, my suggestion to you is this: IT IS TIME! (the call). Time to surrender and walk towards what is intended for you through our Father in Heaven. It is time to understand your life and your purpose under God. Remember that making such a decision is not based upon whether you are ready, it is about being willing. Just do it!😊 My Hope is that this book will help prepare you for your walk, ultimately making your journey a lot easier than mine. Through the hearing of my trails, testimonies, and teachings, you should be able to pass your tests and endure your trials quicker if you are able to understand and pick up on the necessity of the sharing of these specific stories of my life. Hopefully, you will do better than myself, so that you can understand your situations as you go through them and respond and act accordingly due to your new understanding.

For the women of God who are needing guidance or just a little boost of strength, this book will help you tremendously. I hope that it will encourage you to stay strong in ALL circumstances, help you to always have faith, and remind you to always pay attention to the details of your actions and situations, but most importantly I hope that it pushes you to continue to identify and change the ungodly ways that you may still possess no matter how hard or impossible it seems. It is time to take it up a notch in your walk. We have a duty to fulfill, and I believe that is the main goal when serving God.

For many people it is a struggle to understand the things they go through, and it is an even bigger struggle to respond to these things with the correct thinking in order to endure certain circumstances. This problem stems from hiding from known truths, which leads to not being able to recognize your own problems or flaws in order to acknowledge them and then work to change them. Some may read that and not believe it is possible to be ignorant of your own problems. And I am assuming that, only because I was one who did not know or believe that I had certain issues that I did in fact have. So, I am going to give you a little background on how this was discovered.

Story time…..

I faced many problems in my relationship with my husband prior to marriage and during still do today. I believe that because I had such a hard time accepting the fact that I had serious issues within, it played a big part in the consistency of these problems. These problems were exposed throughout my relationship and were undeniable. Like I mentioned previously, I spent a lot of my later teen years suppressing unidentifiable and unknown issues that were developed as a child on into adolescence with heavy smoking and drinking. This was because I had hid from the truth of what had happened to me as a child and kept it a secret until the point where the effects of that trauma was invisible to me. So, during the years of one of the biggest transitions of my life(college), I did not give myself the chance to even understand or deal with myself, which could have literally costed me my life because of the way I was living; reckless. This is not to say that I did not learn any valuable lessons about life during this time, because I did. These lessons just were not valuable enough to prepare me for the next transition of my life, which was marriage, and even less valuable for life under God.

Therefore, it is essential ladies for you right now to dedicate your time to paying attention to yourself, identify all of your past traumas, if any, so that you can identify the possible reasons for your flaws, and then work on fixing them. At this point even if there is a person to blame for your traumas, it is now up to you to take fault for what you became because it is going to be up to you to change. This will not be an easy task, but it will take dedication and consistency. If you are one who is involved with things that will prevent you from paying attention to your every action and feeling, I suggest you stop that thing immediately. Things like drinking, smoking, excessive tv watching, excessive talking on the phone, social media, hanging out with “friends”/family, ect. You need to spend as much time with yourself as possible. By doing this, you will be able to see the things you put most of your focus into, and then be forced to see yourself outside of what you are addicted to. It is impossible to live your life the way it is intended as far as God is concerned unless you fix yourself first. {But STOPPPING ALL KNOW SIN is first above all}. The history potion was intended to show you how to do this. By dissecting my past, I was able to find the root of my problems and makes sense out of my life so that I could understand how to fix my life. The answer for your problems will come from the word of God once you identify the root problems from your past. And it does not have to be from the past of your childhood, it could be from any past events at any point of your life.

I did not learn or except in my heart that I had bitterness, selfishness, jealousy, pride, laziness, and I carried a bad attitude until I was already committed to a marriage. As you see, these are all characteristics of wickedness. However, for a long time I was in denial that I could even have any of these things be a part of my being. I thought I was fine, so it did not make sense to me. It took years for me to see and accept that it was true. And just to say, I was full of PRIDE. It is like a deadly disease. “God hates a proud look” (Proverbs 6:17). I learned that if you do not work to get rid of your issues, then they will produce problems in your life that you never thought would occur. Most definitely trying to please God. They will control you and have you locked in a box with sin. “For the wages of sin is death” (Romans 6:23). You will not grow without changing your sinful ways. During this time, be sure to focus on how you respond to things you do not agree with. As people of God, we must learn to respond properly to ALL things, but in order to do so you have to understand how your own flaws may contribute to your inability to do so. Though I understand these things to be true, I want you all to know that still today I am not fully delivered from these things. I strive daily to be purged. You must understand that changing does not happen overnight. It is a process, so give yourself grace as you work to be free from wickedness.

While working on and getting to know yourself, you must put just as much energy into trying to learn as much as you can about God, because it is Him who created us to be reflections of Him. Refer to the bible FIRST. I believe that by doing these things, you will be on your way to becoming the woman our Father created you to be.

                                                            Quick story…….

I initially began writing this book in 2018. I was lying in bed one day and the title of it just popped in my head. I like to believe that it was the holy spirit. At this point of my life, I was going through the toughest times yall! (just had a flashback lol). Immediately after hearing the title, I understood that it was a book title, and I knew what it would be about. However, I had no idea that it would take me two years to write it. You can say that laziness eventually outweighed my dedication, but I now believe that it was God’s will (possibly). Over the course of the two years, each time I went to finish the book it always felt like it was something missing. I would always feel the need to take something out or add something in. The add ins were always new things (just like this paragraph). I guess it just was not time yet. I had to live a little longer, go through a little more. Become a bit wiser. I thought I was going to sit and write it in a day, and have it published within a few weeks. I thought I had it all figured out. I took what I had heard that day in the bed and ran nowhere with it. I only knew in part what needed to be in it. I did not know it would take two more years of living for it to be complete. I said all that to say, God’s timing is not our timing ladies. “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. As heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts”. KJV Isaiah 55:8-9. His time is ALL the time, but we cannot force something that is believed to be from God to fit our timing. This is for the people who are really choosing to practice living for God. We cannot waist time on ungodly things, so we must move in a way that allows the timing of God to maneuver us. God is not on your time; you are on His time. I do not have the answer for how we specifically do that, but I do believe that if we work on all the things mentioned in this book, He will direct us. “Thus also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead” KJV James 2:17.

I would now just like to apologize for the transition/flow of the book. Like I stated previously, I have been taking away and adding for the past two years. (Not two years straight guys, there were definitely long periods where there was no labor being applied). I hope that no one gets confused or distracted because of it, I just want you to focus on applying the basic information given in this book to your life in order to possibly get closer to who God intends for you to be.                                       

                                                            Teaching time……..

            I am now going to switch things up a bit. Because this book is geared towards women and becoming the best version of yourself possible in the eyes of God, I have to make the involvement with men a focus point to help you all a little further.

            I am not an encourager of women seeking out a spouse or even a supporter of women having boyfriends. [If you remember, Q wit uh K taught me this first, so again shouts out to him]. This is because it opens the door for sin to enter and other unnecessary emotional damage and confusion. I originally started this section off with “It is time to choose your men wisely ladies”, but I realized that the statement was out of order. What I wanted to say is, It is time realize what a potential husband should “look” like when he is presented to you. I am talking about husbands at this point because some women cannot become who they were created to be without the head of a man/husband. (And regardless of what a man may think, I believe that some men can not become who they were intended to be without a wife) (my opinion). A lot of times women have a “standard” set for what we desire for a husband but lack the basic required standard for being a valued woman. And then that standard held for these men do not align with what God requires.  Therefore, if your desire to be a married woman of God, your choosing should not be according to his looks, his money, how great his sex may be, how nice he treats you, or by how much he tells you he love you and admire your outer appearance. All these things are just deceptive tools to distract you from what you are really supposed to be looking for in a man/potential husband. And I am not saying that just because a man does all these things, it automatically means that he is trying to deceive you, it may just mean that he lacks understanding of how these actions can be used to manipulate or deceive a woman. That is why we must be careful who we choose to pursue, because most of us have been deceived our whole lives. So, if you are with a man right now for any of these reasons and do not know his relationship with or intentions with you concerning God, you need to reevaluate yourself as well as that relationship with this man. What I have learned from my relationship with my husband is that if you choose to pursue a man, it has to be about the Fathers business. Meaning, if you are a woman of God or if you desire to become one you need to find interest in a man who is also either a Man of God already or who is looking to become one in the very near future. Pay attention to his characteristics, his choice of conversation, the type of company he keeps, his hobbies, ect. You should pretty much be comparing his characteristic to those of Jesus Christ. So, first, get your bible and learn the characteristics of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

I believe that it is intended for a woman who decides to marry to be led by a man that can help/teach her how to become the best woman of God that she can be. Though I believe that to be true, I believe that it is most important for you to be on your journey with God long before pursuing marriage. It is meant for a woman to help and man in marriage, so if you are not at a certain level spiritually before entering into marriage then your marriage will be as difficult as mine has been because how can you help someone when you need most of the help yourself. You will be a hindrance if you are not capable to help your spouse. Help him to be able to help you become who you need to be for God. We are help meets for them first ladies. So, take this into consideration when considering a man who can possibly become your husband. Get yourself in order with God FIRST. I can bet you will not regret it. Let me tell you why.

I spent a lot of my intimate times with God during the times I was separated from my husband. I received the fire in my heart for Jesus during those times, and they are the very moments that sustain me daily. Had I not been separated; I may have never been able to build that personal relationship with our father. There were times during my separation that I would be so high off of the word, that I literally wanted to be in heaven with Jesus. God allowed those seasons for a reason. I believe he wanted me to experience Him alone so that I can understand that HE is the TRUE HEAD, because when you get married, that relationship with God becomes a little distant because your husband is now your head(distraction). That is why it is important that your husband is on one accord with the living God so that the marriage itself does not become a distraction that separates the both of you from the faith. ENJOY YOUR SINGLENESS!

                                                    Quick Story…….

I wanted to quickly share with you all about things I encountered/encounter as a woman of God today that is still shaping me into becoming the woman of God that I am intended to be in its fullness. I will speak about my marriage briefly because this is where many of my trials and tribulations stem from as I journey on my walk. Long story short, out of the almost 4 years of marriage, my husband was a sinner for most of those years. This is not including the years that we both were sinners before the marriage. He is a man of God today, but I am just going to say that when he was not, he lived as a sinner in all of its fullness. If you can catch my point of stating that you will understand the many things I had to accept and go through with that being so, as a woman of God. Being that he was the reason and hand that led me to being a woman of God I was able to stay. Along with finding out and understanding these scriptures, “ For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by is wife” (1 Corinthians 7:14), “And the woman which hath and husband that beleiveth not(a sinner), and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him” ( 1 Corinthians 7:13).  He really lived out the scripture “Because you are lukewarm-neither hot nor cold, I am about to spit you out of my mouth”. Let me tell you, he was NOT lukewarm at all! Because of that, I was broken down completely. This is how that pride started to break off of me. Lord have mercy! These were the times when all of my flaws were exposed to me. I faced so much turmoil in my marriage. However, it was used to eventually shape me, which allowed me to understand that it was all necessary for my growth. It was much turmoil mainly because of the weakness and damage inside of me. Had I sought my purpose before this relationship, I believe that my marriage would have turned out a lot different (may not even be married today though). Today, I still suffer in my marriage because I am still being purged and delivered from what was built in me over the course of my life before giving it to God but I understand that the problems I face is for my growth only. Not only do I suffer because of my flaws, but I am recovering from the damage developed over the course of the entire sinful relationship which was out of order overall. But for me and my journey, my marriage is the story line/source of my becoming which is why I am able help you in the area of relationships as far as God is concerned with these men. I am about the Father’s business in this thing.

Now, considering the info mentioned, I want you all right now, to evaluate your current life and relationship status. Do you have a boyfriend, are you engaged, are you just having sex with a guy that you are cool with, are you just going with the flow of life having sex with whomever you connect with best? Are you a sinner as far as the bible say? Well…..  First, whatever the case may be, if you are on a path of trying to live righteous according to God, and you are having sex, you should STOP NOW! If you are not looking to pursue a Godly lifestyle just take notes. You should not be practicing sin as a believer. Secondly, you need to evaluate this person who you are involved with. Evaluating to see and understand his motives for being involved with you. Does he believe in Jesus? Does he want to get married? Does he talk about getting married? How does he feel about marriage? What are his plans in life as far as God is concerned? Again, what characteristics does he display, and how do they relate or not relate to the characteristics Christ? These things are very essential to know when you are involved with a guy. Most definitely if you are one desiring to live as a person of God. A lot of times we as women can get so caught up in the sex, the sweet talk, the money, the status quo, and who knows what else, while ignoring the most important things about a man that will tell us whether he is one to be pursued or not and eventually catapult us into who we should be as women of God. Those things mentioned above means NOTHING as far as God is concerned. A man can be the best at pleasing you sexually and have the best conversations, but have no reverence for God’s truth, and will be able to win your heart over. My sisters, this is out of order! Just because a man will pay your bills and buy you CHANNEL bags/accessories does not mean a thing, if in doing so he has no desire to make sure that you are being the best you that you can be in ALL areas of your life. Can he help you become the best version of you? Can you help him by being the best version of yourself? Physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Can he lead you?  After evaluating him, while having these things in mind, you should be able to now decide whether this guy will work with you. You cannot become emotionally attached to these guys because it will hinder you. An emotional attachment to someone is dangerous. It opens the door for many ungodly characteristics to form in your being and may also cause you to become blind to or incapable of even being able to see the flaws possessed by this person. Causing you to fail at becoming the best the woman that God intended you to be.

Now, if you missed my motive for writing what I have written in this partial autobiography/encouragement book, then I will do a brief recap of my point. So again, I wanted to encourage you ladies to become who God wants you to be by sharing some of my personal and uncomfortable life experiences, in order to motivate you to dig deep in your hidden memories and find out what may have caused the flaw in your being, which may be the very thing that is preventing you from being at your greatest potential. I learned that digging up the root of the very thing that built you, will expose the hand of the enemy so that his works may be destroyed in your life, through your seeking of godly understanding. It is going to take honesty and courage to face these roots(demons). I then wanted to give you some special tools to use while taking on this fight that I learned as I was fighting. [it is a constant fight to walk by the laws of God]. I wanted you all to see the things that made me a wretched woman and then to see how God still loved and saved me from that wickedness, with hopes that you may understand that He can do the same for you. He used my worst traumas from a toddler to turn me into an evolving woman of faith. He took the very things that broke me to build be back up. I am still not at the mountain top but daily I strive to reach it, and you should strive for the same. You are loved by God, and IT IS TIME you live like it. You can accept this reading as a call from Jesus or simply an encouragement. Either way, with the information you have read and understand, you will be held accountable. May God be with you as you move forward in life.

By: Tammy Ham aka Treale

Written between the years of 2018-2020: Finished on 12/14/20

Release Date: January 1, 2021

Be inspired today

God Loves You sis!

TO GOD I GIVE ALL THE GLORY!


*FULL AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF TAMMY S. HAM*

Saturday May 22, 2021:

My full legal name is Tammy Shanetta Ham. I’m not sure who named me, but I guess it doesn’t really matter. I was born and raised in Hartsville, South Carolina. My mother’s name is Lola Ham Robinson, who is married to Dominick Robinson, aka Dee, my dad. I don’t usually use the term dad anymore these days just because I’ve been influenced to only reverence God as my Father. This idea made sense to me understanding that God is THE FATHER,(Mathew 23:9 “And call no man your father upon the earth: for one is your Father, which is in heaven.), so that is who I reverence as Dad, Father, etc. But for the purposes of telling this story, I will be using the terms dad and daddy. However, at any point you see “male parent” used, just know that it is referring to my earthly “dad”. I didn’t call Dee “dad” ever in my life, I called him “Dee” because as far as I was taught and understood, he was my stepdad. I thought I would explain this later in the story, but I’ll just speak briefly on it just to clarify some genealogy info. So, Steven James is who I knew and recognized as my real dad. This is who I called “daddy”. I’ll get into the relationship that we had later. It wasn’t until later in life that it was revealed to me that my daddy (Steven James) wasn’t my biological dad, and that Dee was actually the biological dad of me. No blood work was done, but this is just the words from my mother. Crazy I know. I’ll talk more about it later. So, at this point in my life, 2021, I have my Mother Lola, my dad Dee (as far as my mama and Dee say), and my daddy Steven James (my daddy, but not biologically). Stay tuned for the in-debt details of this whole entanglement. I have 4 siblings. Three that grew up in the house with me and one brother from my daddy Steven James who I’ve only seen in person a few times because he lived and was raised in North Philly and had a different mother, his name is Desaint. Neke, Kiasiah, and Lil D are the three siblings I lived with and grew up with and shared the same mother. Neke is the oldest, Kiasiah next, then me, and lastly my baby brother Lil D. For now, those are the only family members that will be mentioned to begin this story.

I will begin from the earliest memory that I have as a child. I’m not sure how old I was, but if I had to guess I’ll say that I was about 2 or 3 years old. At this time we were living in this small trailer down the road from the house that I actually grew up in. One of the only memories that I really have at this trailer is the room that my sisters and I shared(I’m not sure if my brother was born yet or if he was just a small baby). I also remember the white neighbors that we had who were like our “best friends” at the time. We would go over to their house and play all the time. There wasn’t anything majorly significant about this time of my life other than the fact that I had no “bad” memories. I was enjoying life I guess. NOTE: (I am going to try and keep the timeline of my life in order, however I will be skipping through some details because of course I don’t remember everything and everything single thing is not important enough to be mentioned. But let me say, whatever I do mention in this story, it’s important so just try and pay close attention so that you can catch the significance of the flow of my life). So again, during this time of life while living at this trailer, I don’t remember any negative situations.

Now, moving on into the ages of what I assume was ages 3, 4, and 5. By this point we were living in the house that I grew up in. It was a big brick 2 story house with 4 bedrooms 2 bathrooms, a living and dining, and a kitchen. Kiasiah and I shared a room, and Neke and lil d had their own room. My siblings and I had a very close relationship. We did fight and argue often, but we were still very close. I was closest to Kiasiah growing up, I guess because we were closer in age, and we shared the same room for years. She was my “best friend”. (And I put quotations around best friend because I don’t call anyone my friend these days because of this same influencer showing me that a friend according to the Bible isn’t what I thought it was, and it made sense to me, so I don’t refer to anyone today as a “friend”) .We were only 1 year apart in age. As my brother got older, me and him became very close as well and he too was my “best friend”, we were two years apart. Neke was like my other mother growing up. I looked up to her in a role model type of way. To me, she played the role of a big sister during our childhood very well despite the times we would fuss and fight. We are three years apart. She was the one I became closest with as I got older. I remember that she was who brought the most comfort to me in my times of distress as a child. She was so gentle with us. I remember there was a period of my life where I would wake up crying almost every morning and she was right there every time to help me feel better. I have no idea why I used to wake up sad and crying almost every day, but I believe it was because it was so early in the morning, and I just wanted to sleep longer lol. (But I understand now that I may have been crying for other reasons which I will speak on shortly). If I woke up crying and sad it would always be on a school day. (This was not around the age 2 or 3, I was about 6 or 7). She used to come sit beside me on my bed and stand in front of me and say, “let me see you smile Tammy”, and I would crack a fake smile just for her and then I would get up and get ready for school. NOTE: (This information is important for when I reach the point of talking about life around the ages 6-7). I don’t really remember the personal relationship between my mother and I at this time of life, I just remember always wanting her around and her presence making me happy. My mother was very private. She didn’t really talk much as far as I can remember. And when I say talk, I mean she didn’t really hold long personal conversations about certain things. If it wasn’t talking about a particular current situation, there was not much talking going on. I later understood that this was probably because she worked a lot, and then it was also a time when she went to college which took a lot of her time to talk away as well. But anyway, let me stay on topic and address the significance of life around the age of 4 and 5, I’ll speak more about mama later.

Again, as I stated previously I am speaking on significant memories that I have through life that I believe shaped me into who I had become before choosing to walk as a Woman of God. So around the ages 3, 4, and 5 is when life to me was interrupted with the plan of Satan to destroy me. I was in head start when my eyes were exposed to a little boy’s private area while at school. This little boy use to expose himself to me on purpose. He would tell me to come behind this brick wall that was on the playground and he would expose himself. As a little girl, I had no idea how to respond to this. It was like in my mind I knew it was wrong, but I didn’t have the mind or understanding to tell anyone. He was also my “friend”, so maybe I just didn’t want him to get him in trouble. I wonder today if eventually I stopped looking when he would ask me to come behind that wall but I don’t remember. I can’t say if it happened often or not, but it is a vivid memory that I have from that setting. I guess you can say it scarred me, being that it is tucked away in the memory. It’s crazy how the works of Satan/trauma, never leaves the memory. So as you see, a door was opened very early to me in the realm of sexual immoralities as a way for Satan to play on me, a innocent child. Now, the real question is, where were the teachers/supervision? How was he able to do that if someone was watching? We are talking about 3 and 4 year olds outside playing together, someone should have been watching and making sure nothing like this could even happen. A lot of times adults are so naive to the idea of these things happening, however it is more prevalent than they think. So parents, watch your kids and be mindful of where you are allowing them to be without you around. Daycare, school, field trips, family/friend houses etc. Satan has no respect of persons when he wants to kill steal or destroy. That was just the beginning. Now watch this. Within this same time frame of life, I begin being molested. I believe I was between age 3 and 5. I had no understanding of what this meant at the time or why it was happening. It would happen occasionally when I would go to this particular house. I enjoyed being with this person that brought me to the house, but once night hit the house became a fearful place for me. The young man who lived there that molested me had to be a teenager at the time or maybe even a pre-teen. He was always very nice to me and always did nice things for me. So, I guess you can say I trusted him. And I say trusted him because I remember looking at him like a big brother in a way, but it wasn’t until night that he would take advantage of me. I’m not quite sure who made the decision to let me sleep with him on certain nights, but that is how he was able to take advantage of me. The person who I was there with initially would have male company, so I believe that it was just easy for them to decide for me to not sleep in the room with her being that she had someone else sleeping with her. I do vaguely remember one night being asked if I wanted to sleep in the room with him while he (the offender), her, and myself were standing in the hallway trying to make a decision. I have no idea what my answer was but certain nights the decision was made for me to sleep in his room. Terrible decision. I can’t say exactly how many times this happened, but I’m almost certain it was more than a few. I vividly remember being in his room when the act took place, and in the middle of it running to the front door of the house that was always open, crying. I remember having on white undergarments, which I assume were panties and no shirt. He would run and come get me and try to get me to stop crying, but as I think about it now and remember, it’s like at certain times he would leave me at the door crying and the woman that I was there with would hear me and come get me, I guess assuming that I wanted her and that’s why I was crying. He never penetrated my body, but he would hunch me from my back side. Now, that’s the end of the details of that story. But pay attention to how it started from a little boy exposing himself to me in head start toI never told anyone about this until I was 22 years old. Again, as I mentioned previously how I never told anyone about the boy exposing his private part, it was the same way with this situation. Pay attention because it would become a trend for my response to these type things. If you read that and got offended in any way, I’m sorry. Sharing that information is a part of my life story that I hope will benefit someone in whatever way God sees fit for it to benefit. I didn’t share it to bash anybody in any way, but to show how evil Satan is to desire the blood and mind of an innocent child and also to show how important it is for parents and guardians to be mindful of this and beware of where you allow your child to go without you. WATCH YOUR KIDS and OTHER PEOPLE KIDS! I don’t have much more memories from this house other than this, so I’ll move on to the next most significant thing that’s connected to this story.

As I mentioned before about the man child that exposed his penis to me in head start, it’s not ironic how this same boy ended up in my 5k class at SouthSide Early Childhood Center in Hartsville, SC. This school was specifically for 5 year olds (maybe 4 too but I don’t really know), so my age at this time is 5. There were several other 5k classes within this school, and it just so happen that the boy and I ended up in the same class. Now that I think about it, I believe they separated the classes by last name, so that’s how we ended up in this class together again, because of our last name. But to make a long story short, this same boy continued to expose himself to me. Now remember that when you go to the next grade level, you have a few months of summer, meaning no school, so this boy had to have still remembered what he did in head start and continued it in 5k. Satan ain shit! Not only was he exposing himself but another little white boy did the same thing, but only he was exposing himself to everybody during group circle time, and not just me alone. So again, As a very young child I had begun being exposed to the life of sexual sins of immortality, much like many children still are today. Tossed around by the evil wicked one due to the ignorance of parents and other adults. I was infected with an evil seed that begin to be watered as life continued on.

I won’t get into deep detail of anymore of the acts of molestation but to show how Satan was after my neck in this area of sin continuously, I was molested by two more individuals who were family members over the next years up to the age of about 9. Smh. Still, I never told anyone about these acts, whether out of fear or just simply because I didn’t want to get them in trouble because at this point, I was well aware that it was not ok. During these times, for whatever reason, my mother use to always ask us if anyone had touched us when we got back from spending the night at someone’s house and I would always say no even if that wasn’t the truth. Most times, no was the true answer, but I do remember once when it wasn’t, and I lied. My mama and Dee didn’t allow us to spend the night with other people often at all, and the possibility for things like that happening could have been the reason why. I remember once wanting to go over a “friend’s” house and my mother said something like “no because her granddaddy lives there and her older brother” implying that she didn’t want us staying anywhere where men or young boys lived. So, this shows me that she was aware of the possibilities of inappropriate touching by boys to girls and didn’t want that to happen to us. I don’t think I made a fuss about that because by that time, I was about 10 or 11 so I knew what was up by experience and understood what she meant by that, though I’m sure I still expressed some type of attitude. Though she showed that she was aware of these type possibilities, she never actually talked with us about it. She would just ask that question when we got back from overnight trips and make vague statements insinuating that she didn’t want us to be touched inappropriately. So, I encourage you to speak and teach in detail to your children parents, because unless you are around them every second of the day and talking to them about things of this nature or the just life period, you won’t know what they are thinking half of the time, or what goes on when you are not around them. Also, as you see, it is not uncommon that it is often times a person in the family or someone close to the family who are the violators, therefore that is even more reason for you to pay more attention to who your child is around and who they will be around when they are not around you.

By this point of the story, I hope that you have learned something through a very small piece of my life story so far. I know it has been nothing but negative happenings up to this point, but it is all necessary and all true. I could have easily skipped to all of the fun parts of my life, but that wouldn’t have allowed anyone to benefit, because it would have eliminated the option for you to actually “see” what shaped my character and personality and see what lead up to the later events that took place later in life. It is important that you see what and who shaped me within, because it can be a catalyst that helps you to see what shaped and molded you into who you are today, that is not of God and/or is of God. So, my hope in this autobiography is to not just tell my story, but to provoke change through self-examination based on the significant events that occurred throughout your life, in order for one to recognize the flaws that were developed because of wicked seeds and past traumas, and whatever that may looked like in your life, and work to let God help you change for a character and personality that pleases Him. So stay tuned, I’ll get to the fun stuff soon.

CHAPTER 2

TO BE CONTINUED……

So based on the things I’ve mentioned so far, as far as what happened to me as a little girl sexually, I am going to discuss how it effected me throughout life, and eventually built negative behaviors . I did not understand how much of an impact these events had on my life until I was in my twenties . My personality, my character, my insecurities, my fears, and most of my flaws were developed through me being molested. I had gone through life keeping this a secret, which ultimately forced me to become numb to the side effects . I forced myself not to think about it, so I thought I wasn’t effected by these things that had happened to me. But boy was I wrong. I grew up being antisocial at times, and feeling like I needed to be alone at random times. And notice I said “needed”. I say needed, because I remember the comfort and joy I got when I was able to be alone. It wasn’t like a outward joy I would show, but it did something uplifting to me on the inside. Outwardly it may not have seemed that way, and I say that because because my own mother use to say I was antisocial and had a bad attitude, but really I just wanted to be alone and away from possible hurt of any sort. She couldn’t even see the what I was dealing with internally. It made me feel safe to be alone. I didn’t have to worry about anything inappropriate happening to me or anything uncomfortable happening to me if I was home, and able to be in my room alone. Later in life that would become a huge issue in my marriage but we will talk about that later. Being molested also caused me to become very protective of my body and also insecure of my body at the same time. But even though this was true, I still became very sexual at a young age because of those seeds that were planted in me. And I say this because, I remember masturbating at a very young age. I can’t pin point exactly how old I was when I started but it was way too young. If I had to guess I would say around age 8 or 9. So as far as being protective of my body, this caused me to become very aggressive with guys. Aggressive in my attitude towards them. Acting like them. I was very Tom boyish until around age 12, but my rough attitude, stuck with me. I would always speak very “thuggish” in my tone towards guys, and not necessarily to be mean but I did it to my homeboys as well. I talked “hard” to them to keep them from liking me because I did not want them to touch me in a sexual way, and by being tough with them I thought that would keep them from looking at me that way. Understanding from experience what boys were capable of. It worked, but of course this changed slightly over time, but not much because As I got older and began to like certain guys who liked me, I would allow them to get close to me in that way, but I still had my guard up. Pause. Now listen to the heavy sin that I was entangled in already, and I was still a child. Masturbating and allowing myself to become sexual with guys secretly. I believe I was 12 or 13 when I begin kissing this one guy, who was my boyfriend. This would be the first guy that I allowed to be sexual with me. I wasn’t having sex yet, just being “fast”. So not only did I become aggressive in my attitude and then sexual, my personality and character began to be one of strong defense(fear), protective(fear), and anxious(fear).

So now I’m going to go back to discussing life as a young child aside from the molestation. So just as a brief over view, I was raised to be an athlete. My parents had us playing sports starting at a very young ages. I’ll say around 4 or 5 is when I started. I played basketball and softball my entire child hood on into high school. So I played sports literally year round. From age 4 or 5 until I was 18 years old. Once basketball season was over, it was time for softball. My sister Kiasiah and I both played softball and basketball. I have no idea if this is what I wanted to do, but it was all I knew to do, and as a child it was what I enjoyed. Basketball was my favorite of the two and I was very exceptional in both sports as far as I understood. We were always on the all star teams and usually the best even on the all star teams. My parents were our biggest support when it came to sports. They never missed any games and made sure we never missed any practices. I don’t remember anyone teaching us to play these sports it seems like it was just natural, and I guess by practicing with the team so much, that’s what developed our skills. And I speak mainly of myself and Kiasiah when I speak of playing sports because it was always us together, we were always on the same team so we were pretty much always together when we were not at school because we were in different grade levels so we were not together much at school. When it came to academics I was exceptional in that as well. I made A’s and B’s until I got in I think 10th grade where I believe I made my first c. I was a honors student until I graduated high school. My point is, academics was never a struggle for me. I didn’t have to study much because my memory was great as far as I thought. I use to think I had a photographic memory because I could remember the things I would learn in the class lesson and not have to study for a test. However, I do remember in the 6th grade cheating on a test in science class so maybe my memory wasn’t as great as I thought lol. But I really just think I was goofing off in this class a lot and not paying attention as I usually would because of this new “friend” I had. With that being said, let’s talk about my life growing up with friends

NOTE: I am trying my best to go in a decent order while telling this story but it may be a little messy because I honestly don’t have a outline set in place in order to talk about my entire life, I’m just going with the flow/winging it.

When it came to having friends, I was very serious about friendship. When I mentioned that my siblings and I were very close, this built my foundation for how I looked at relationships overall. Kiasiah was truly my first best friend. Being that she was my sister also, I believe that my passion for loyalty was built first at home.

My full legal name is Tammy Shanetta Ham. I’m not sure who named me, but I guess it doesn’t really matter. I was born and raised in Hartsville, South Carolina. My mother’s name is Lola Ham Robinson, who is married to Dominick Robinson, aka Dee, my dad. I don’t usually use the term dad anymore these days just because I’ve been influenced to only reverence God as my Father. This idea made sense to me understanding that God is THE FATHER,(Mathew 23:9 “And call no man your father upon the earth: for one is your Father, which is in heaven.), so that is who I reverence as Dad, Father, etc. But for the purposes of telling this story, I will be using the terms dad and daddy. However, at any point you see “male parent” used, just know that it is referring to my earthly “dad”. I didn’t call Dee “dad” ever in my life, I called him “Dee” because as far as I was taught and understood, he was my stepdad. I thought I would explain this later in the story, but I’ll just speak briefly on it just to clarify some genealogy info. So, Steven James is who I knew and recognized as my real dad. This is who I called “daddy”. I’ll get into the relationship that we had later. It wasn’t until later in life that it was revealed to me that my daddy (Steven James) wasn’t my biological dad, and that Dee was actually the biological dad of me. No blood work was done, but this is just the words from my mother. Crazy I know. I’ll talk more about it later. So, at this point in my life, 2021, I have my Mother Lola, my dad Dee (as far as my mama and Dee say), and my daddy Steven James (my daddy, but not biologically). Stay tuned for the in-debt details of this whole entanglement. I have 4 siblings. Three that grew up in the house with me and one brother from my daddy Steven James who I’ve only seen in person a few times because he lived and was raised in North Philly and had a different mother, his name is Desaint. Neke, Kiasiah, and Lil D are the three siblings I lived with and grew up with and shared the same mother with. Neke is the oldest, Kiasiah next, then me, and lastly my baby brother Lil D. For now, those are the only family members that will be mentioned to begin this story.

 

I will begin from the earliest memory that I have as a child. I’m not sure how old I was, but if I had to guess I’ll say that I was about 2 or 3 years old. At this time we were living in this small trailer down the road from the house that I actually grew up in. One of the only memories that I really have at this trailer is the room that my sisters and I shared(I’m not sure if my brother was born yet or if he was just a small baby). I also remember the white neighbors that we had who were like our “best friends” at the time. We would go over to their house and play a lot. There wasn’t anything majorly significant about this time of my life other than the fact that I had no “bad” memories. I was enjoying life I guess. NOTE: (I am going to try and keep the timeline of my life in order, however I will be skipping through some details because of course I don’t remember everything and everything single thing is not important enough to be mentioned. But let me say, whatever I do mention in this story, it’s important to who I became and what I chose to do throughout life, so just try and pay close attention so that you can catch the significance of the flow of my life). So again, during this time of life while living at this trailer, I don’t remember any negative situations.

 

Now, moving on into the ages of what I assume was ages 3, 4, and 5, which by this point we were living in the house that I grew up in. It was a big brick 2 story house with 4 bedrooms 2 bathrooms, a living room,  dining, kitchen, and a big back yard.  Kiasiah and I shared a room, and Neke and lil d had their own room. This is the house that we lived in until we all graduated high school. I really don’t remember what was really going on at this house around these ages but I do remember not talking much, which was significant to how I moved throughout life.. I was very shy and quiet. I’m sure I talked around my siblings and family members that I was comfortable around, but there was definitely little dialogue around others. Though I was quiet, I was also very observant. I watched people and payed close attention to their attitudes, demeanor, and really just everything that would expose their character.I assume that I was this way because my parents did not talk much as far as I remember. Definitely while I was a little girl. I remember even watching them. I guess most kids do that anyway, but I was really watching and taking notes mentally, on purpose.  They were definitely the “stay in a child’s place”, “get out of grown folks face”, “do as I say not as I do” type of parents. They were also the very secretive and didn’t like to be asked why. Shiiiit, you better not dare ask them “why”, any circumstance. Asking questions that they didn’t want to answer was one of the worst things you could have done in our house. NOTE. PARENTS, it is important that you explain things to your children, I don’t care how old they are. Even when we got older, on into adulthood asking challenging, uncomfortable, or “personal” questions was ground for confrontation. So along with one other major thing that took place in my life, which contributed  to my conservativeness,, fear, quietness, and watchfulness, this was too a major contribution. It built a character in me that I would eventually cause problems in my daily life. It also  taught me that people have very evil characteristics and motives, so it made me cautious of ALL human beings  period. I was also able recognize the “good” in people and it even expose me to myself while showing me which negative characteristics and personality type  I did not want to have. This carried on into adult hood. So, again, from as earliest as  I can remember, I was  always watching people, ,trying to  figuring out what type of person they were. Pause, just  figured I throw this in here;  Maya Angelou, when she was a young  girl, became mute after getting raped at age 5. She didn’t speak for 7 years straight.  I had been a fan of Maya because of her poems, but After completing  a black history report  on her, and finally hearing  her story , I understood and respected  her on a different level, because I related. She stated that when she went  mute(on purpose), she looked and listened to people and things around her heavily. She later began to indulge in reading around the age of 8, which, built the foundation of who she  became. I say that because I too experienced unfortunate, life changing things during my childhood, that I believe built the foundation of who I became and also who I am becoming, so again, try and stay focus on the messages I attempt to relay while sharing my life story.. Today Maya Angelou is a woman that I hold to a high esteem, for surviving  many fiery obstacles from childhood hood on into adulthood but enduring and succeeding,, believing in Jesus Christ, and being an advocate and example for women all over the world.

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Back to the parents路‍♀️:Our parents were extremely strict. We had so many rules in our house, until it seems like we were always trying to sneak and creep. As strict as they were, you would think that we would have been the perfect little children, but nope. We were as too, just not AS bad as some.Ain nothing worst(not literally), than a child that feels like they have to hide and whisper NOTE:. Talk to your kids, parents, and make them comfortable enough from birth, to talk and communicate with you about EVERYTHING. I never understood as a child WHY they were so strict, but as an adult, I definitely understand. They were just missing a lot of necessary knowledge, experience, and most importantly the foundation of Godly order, to make it worth it. Though we had so many rules, we also had certain freedom that a lot of other kids didn’t have.(Freedom of  speech was not one lol). My siblings and I had a very close relationship. We did fight and argue often, but we were still very close. I was closest to Kiasiah growing up, I guess because we were closer in age, and we shared the same room for years. She was my “best friend”. (And I put quotations around best friend because I don’t call anyone my friend these days because of this same influencer showing me that a friend according to the Bible isn’t what I thought it was, and it made sense to me, so I don’t refer to anyone today as a “friend”, yet . But again, for the purposes of telling my life story, I will be using it. I think me and her fought and argued the most. We were crazy lol, we use to play this game called bicycle at night where you had to lay back and put your feet together with each other and pedal like a bike, and we would always end up fighting some how. When I think about it now all I can do is shake my head. It used to get so bad sometimes, that my mama or Dee would hear us all the way down stairs and come up there and be on our ass lol..Lawwwd. Kiasiah I’m sorry for whooping on you so much, just kidding. But I would say that I use to beat every body up, I don’t think I lost one time lol. (I thought I was a tough “guy”). This is just my opinion, you would have to ask them to see what they say. I don’t recall it taking long for us to make up. Kiasiah and I were only 1 year apart in age. As my brother got older, me and him became very close as well and he was also my “best friend”, we were two years apart. Neke was like my other mother growing up. I looked up to her in a role model type of way. To me, she played the role of a big sister during our childhood very well, despite the times we would fuss and fight when we got older. We didn’t fight much until we were teenagers. When I was 14 years old, me and her got into the biggest fist fight ever, because she had my chain on(I think). If it wasn’t about the chain, im sure it was something petty. The girls would always get into it about somebody wearing our stuff . Neke was the main one that caused the this  problem because she just take stuff without asking. We didn’t mind sharing with each other at all, just as long as you asked first. Neke was definitely more lenient though with her stuff than me and Kiasiah, and I actually respected that about her. So it makes  sense why she was cool with just taking everybody else stuff.NOTE: Sisters out there, just share ya stuff whether they ask or not, make it understood that they can where ya stuff anytime, and just ask before you just get ya sister stuff, make it peaceful for everybody lol. But back to the fight; it was so bad my mama couldn’t even break it up, she was sliding all around that kitchen till she was worn slap out lol!sorry ma lol..She was breathing hard like she was fighting. She finally yelled saying stooooop臘‍♀️ and said she was goin call the police if we didn’t.. She wasn’t goin call no police, she was definitely “cap’n”. I felt really bad  afterwards because were fighting like that, as I always did after  I fought  my siblings. I think the next day she apologized to me and we made up. Unlike anybody else in the house  Neke always apologized. She was the first person to teach me the importance and power of apologizing. I don’t think we ever fought again after this fight. We are  three years apart. She was the one I became closest with as I got older. I remember that she was who brought the most comfort to me in my times of distress as a child. She was so gentle with us. I remember there was a period in my life where I would wake up crying almost every morning and she was right there every time to help me feel better. I have no idea why I used to wake up sad and crying almost every day, but I believe it was because it was so early in the morning, and I just wanted to sleep longer lol. (But I understand now that I may have been crying for other reasons which I will speak on shortly). If I woke up crying and sad, it would always be on a school day. (This was not around the age 2 or 3, I was about 6 or 7). She used to come sit beside me on my bed and stand in front of me and say, “let me see you smile Tammy”, and I would crack a fake smile just for her and then I would get up and get ready for school. NOTE: (This information is important for when I reach the point of talking about life around the ages 6-7). I don’t really remember the personal relationship between my mother and I at this time of life, I just remember always wanting her around and her presence making me happy. And as I mentioned previously, my mother  was very private and  didn’t really talk much.. And just to clarify, when I say talk, I mean she didn’t really hold long personal conversations about certain things.. If it wasn’t talking about a particular current situation, there was not much talking going on as far as I remember.. I later understood that this was probably because she did worked a lot, and then it was also a time when she went to college which took a lot of her time to talk away as well. But anyway, let me TRY lol to stay on topic and address the significance of life around the age of 3, 4 and 5.

 

Again, as I stated previously I am speaking on significant memories that I have through life that I believe shaped me into who I had become before choosing to live a sin free life as a Woman of God. So around the ages 3, 4, and 5 is when life was interrupted with the plan of Satan to destroy me. I say this because I began experiencing unfortunate life altering things that would effect me  negatively for the rest of my life, if not addressed and dealt with through the powers of God. My first encounter of Satan’s evil at work, was in head start when my eyes were exposed to a little boy’s private area while at school. It was not something that I accidentally got exposed to, the entire act was intentional, as if the devil himself chose me specifically. This  little boy use to expose himself to me on purpose. He would tell me to come behind this brick wall that was on the playground and he would pull his penis out and show it to me. I had to  have been about 3 or 4 years years old. I don’t recall him ever calling anybody else behind that wall, it seemed as if he only picked me every time. As a little girl, I had no idea how to respond to it. It was like in my mind I knew it was wrong, but I didn’t have the mind or understanding to tell anyone or to even say no. It’s like my mind would reset every day, and forget that he did that, so no matter how many times he tricked me into looking at his penis, I still looked at him as my  “friend”. So because I did consider him a friend, maybe that’s why I didn’t tell anyone, because didn’t want him to get him in trouble. But who knows. I wonder today if eventually, I stopped looking when he would ask me to come behind that wall, but I don’t remember. I can’t  say if it happened often or not, but it is a vivid memory that I have from that setting. I guess you can say it scarred me, being that it is tucked away in the memory. It’s crazy how the works of Satan/trauma, never leaves the memory. So as you see, a door was opened very early to me in the realm of sexual sin,  as a way for Satan to try and destroy me in that very category.. Now, the real question is, where were the teachers/supervision? How was he able to do that if someone was watching? We are talking about 3 and 4 year olds outside playing together, someone should have been watching and making sure nothing like this could even happen. A lot of times adults are so naive to the idea of these things happening, but in reality, it is more prevalent than they think. So parents, watch your kids and be mindful of where you are allowing them to be without you around. Daycare, school, field trips, family/friend houses etc. Satan has no respect of persons when he wants to kill steal or destroy. That was just the beginning. Now watch this. Within this same time frame of life, I begin being molested. I believe I was between age 3 and 5. I had no understanding of what this meant at the time or why it was happening, but again, I understood it was wrong, or at least I understood I didn’t like it. As I think now, I’m understanding the possibility as a child that young, maybe  I didn’t know it was wrong, but just knew I didn’t like it. It would happen occasionally when I would go to this particular house. I enjoyed being with this person that brought me to the house, but once night hit the house became a fearful place for me. The young man who lived there that molested me had to be a teenager at the time or maybe even a pre-teen or younger, I just know he was a lot older/bigger.. He was always very nice to me and always did nice things for me. So, I guess you can say I trusted him. And I say trusted him because I remember looking at him like a big brother in a way, but it wasn’t until night that he would take advantage of me. I’m not quite sure who made the decision to let me sleep with him on certain nights, but that is how he was able to violate me. The person who I was there with initially would have male company, so I believe that it was just easy for them to decide for me to not sleep in the room with her, being that she had someone else sleeping with her. I do vaguely remember one night being asked if I wanted to sleep in the room with him while he (the offender), her, and myself were standing in the hallway trying to make a decision. I have no idea what my answer was but certain nights the decision was made for me to sleep in his room. Terrible decision. And I’m assuming that at age I didn’t speak very well yet.I can’t say exactly how many times this happened, but I’m almost certain it was more than a few. I vividly remember being in his room when the act took place, and in the middle of it running to the front door of the house that was always open, crying. I remember having on white undergarments, which I assume were panties, with no shirt on. He would run and come get me and try to get me to stop crying, but as I think about it now and remember, it’s like at certain times he would leave me at the door crying and the woman that I was there with would hear me and come get me, I guess assuming that I wanted her and that’s why I was at the door crying. He never completely penetrated my body, but he would hunch me from my back side while asking me if that hurt. I remember being very confused, physically hurt, and crying to get away. He even tried to be nice to me while doin it, I assume to try and not show he was doing something foul and to try and keep me there. Every time I would cry to get away, he would stop, so I thank God for even that. Now, that’s the end of the details of that story. But pay attention to how it started from a little boy exposing himself to me in head start, to actually being physically and sexually violated . I encourage all parents who have children to simply learn from this incident and raise your child accordingly, understanding that this is something that can happen at any time and anywhere that  you are not present, no matter where the child is. I never told anyone about this until I was 22 years old. Again, as I mentioned previously how I never told anyone about the boy exposing his private part, it was the same way with this situation. Pay attention because it would become a trend for my response to these type things, and anything really that if felt necessary to keep to myself.. If you read that and got offended in any way, I’m sorry. Sharing that information is a part of my life story that I hope will benefit someone in whatever way God sees fit for it to benefit. To me, the details were necessary to show the level of assault that I experienced and the level of damage that I sustained, so that it can be compared to the possible damage done to others who may have been violated in a more extreme way.  I didn’t share it to bash anybody in any way, but to show how evil Satan is to desire to steal and corrupt that  very jewel given to woman by God, as well as the mind of an innocent child. And even more,  to show how important it is for parents and guardians to be mindful of this and beware of where you allow your child to go without you, understanding that you have the power and responsibility to keep this from happening. WATCH YOUR KIDS and OTHER PEOPLE KIDS! Involve God and his team  in your life and your Children’s life. I don’t have many  more memories from this house other than this, so I’ll move on to the next most significant thing that’s connected to this story.

 

As I mentioned before about the man child that exposed his penis to me in head start, it’s not ironic how this same boy ended up in my 5k class at SouthSide Early Childhood Center in Hartsville, SC. This school was specifically for 5 year olds (maybe 4 too but I don’t really know), so my age at this time is 5 for sure. There were several other 5k classes within this school, and it just so happen that the boy and I ended up in the same class. Now that I think about it, I believe they separated the classes by last name, so that’s how we ended up in this class together again, because of our last name. But to make a long story short, this same boy continued to expose himself to me. Now remember that when you go to the next grade level, you have a few months of summer, meaning no school, so this boy had to have still remembered what he did in head start and continued it in 5k. Satan ain shit! Not only was he exposing himself but another little white boy did the same thing, but only he was exposing himself to everybody during group circle time, and not just me. So again, As a very young child I had begun being exposed to the life of sexual sins of immortality, much like many other children were then, and  still are today. I was pretty much tossed  around by the evil wicked one,  due to the ignorance of parents and other adults, leaving me to suffer in silence and in ignorance all before the age of 6. I was infected with an evil seed that begin to be watered as life continued on.

 

I won’t get into deep detail of anymore of the acts of molestation but to show how Satan was after my neck in this area of sin continuously, I was molested by two more individuals who were family members over the next years up to the age of about 9. Smh. Still, I never told anyone about these acts, whether out of fear or just simply because I didn’t want to get them in trouble because at this point, I was well aware that it was not ok. During these times, for whatever reason, my mother use to always ask us if anyone had touched us when we got back from spending the night at someone’s house and I would always say no even if that wasn’t the truth. Most times, no was the true answer, but I do remember once when it wasn’t, and I lied. My mama and Dee didn’t allow us to spend the night with other people often at all, and the possibility for things like that happening could have been the reason why. I remember once wanting to go over a “friend’s” house and my mother said something like “no because her granddaddy lives there and her older brother” implying that she didn’t want us staying anywhere where men or young boys lived. So, this shows me that she was aware of the possibilities of inappropriate touching by boys to girls or just molestation period, and didn’t want that to happen to us. I don’t think I made a fuss about that because by that time, I was about 10 or 11 so I knew what was up by experience and understood what she meant by that, though I’m sure I still expressed some type of attitude. Though she showed that she was aware of these type possibilities, she never actually talked with us about it. She would just ask that question when we got back from overnight trips and make vague statements insinuating that she didn’t want us to be touched inappropriately. So, I encourage you to speak and teach in detail to your children parents, because unless you are around them every second of the day and talking to them about things of this nature or just life period, you won’t know what they are thinking half of the time, or what goes on when you are not around them. Also, as you see, it is not uncommon that it is often times a person in the family or someone close to the family who are the violators, therefore that is even more reason for you to pay more attention to who your child is around and who they will be around when they are not around you.

 

By this point of the story, I hope that you have learned something through a very small piece of my life story so far. I know it has been nothing but negative happenings up to this point, but it is all necessary and all true. I could have easily skipped to all of the fun parts of my life, but that wouldn’t have allowed anyone to benefit, because it would have eliminated the option for you to actually “see” what shaped my character and personality and see what lead up to the later events that took place later in life. It is important that you see what and who shaped me within, because it can be a catalyst that helps you to see what shaped and molded you into who you are today, that is not of God and/or is of God. So, my hope in this autobiography is to not just tell my story, but to provoke change through self-examination based on the significant events that occurred throughout your life, in order for one to recognize the flaws that were developed because of wicked seeds and past traumas, and whatever that may looked like in your life, and work to let God help you change for a character and personality that pleases Him. So stay tuned, I’ll get to the fun stuff soon.

 

CHAPTER 2

 

TO BE CONTINUED……

 

So based on the things I’ve mentioned so far, as far as what happened to me as a little girl sexually, I am going to discuss how it effected me throughout life, and eventually built negative behaviors . I did not understand how much of an impact these events had on my life until I was in my twenties . I was very quiet and extremely shy most of the time. My personality, my character, my insecurities, my fears, and most of my flaws were developed through me being molested.I didn’t learn or recognize this until I was an adult. I had gone through life keeping this a secret, which ultimately forced me to become numb to the side effects . I forced myself not to think about it, so I thought I wasn’t effected by these things that had happened to me. But boy was I wrong. I grew up being antisocial at times, and feeling like I needed to be alone at random times. And notice I said “needed”. I say needed, because I remember the comfort and joy I got when I was able to be alone. It wasn’t like a outward joy I would show, but it did something uplifting to me on the inside. Outwardly it may not have seemed that way, and I say that because because my mother use to say I was antisocial and had a bad attitude, looking from the outside, but really I just wanted to be alone and away from people, to avoid possible hurt of any sort. She couldn’t even see what I was dealing with internally. You would think that a parent could recognize a change in their child but it’s possible that because I was so young when I first experienced anything sexual, it could have been assumed that I was just this way.(Assuming I was 3 when I was first exposed).It made me feel safe to be alone. I didn’t have to worry about anything inappropriate happening to me or anything uncomfortable happening to me if I was home, and able to be in my room alone. Remember previously when I spoke about not talking much? Well I learned that due to the sexual violation, that could have also been a major factor to my silence and lack of desire to speak. Later in life, this become a huge issue in my life as far as what I chose to do and eventually in my marriage life, but we will talk about that later. Being molested also caused me to become very protective of my body and also insecure of my body at the same time. Even though this was true, I still became very sexual at a young age because of those seeds that were planted in me. And I say this because, I remember masturbating at a very young age. I can’t pin point exactly how old I was when I started but it was way too young. If I had to guess I would say around age 8 or 9. And again, this was a hidden thing and something that no one would guess I was doing because I hid it, and I wasn’t the “fast” or promiscuous type of young girl, I was still very conservative. So as far as being protective of my body, it eventually caused me to become very aggressive with guys. Aggressive in my attitude towards them. Acting like them. I was very Tom boyish until around age 11, but my rough attitude, stuck with me. I would always speak very “thuggish” in my tone towards guys, and not necessarily to be mean but I did it to my homeboys as well. I talked “hard” to them to keep them from liking me because I did not want them to touch me in a sexual way, and by being tough with them I thought that would keep them from looking at me that way. Understanding from experience what boys were capable of. It worked, but of course this changed  over time, but not much because As I got older and began to like certain guys who liked me so I couldn’t be too “mean”., I eventually would allow a guys to get close to me in that way, but I still had my guard up. Pause. Now listen to the heavy sin that I was entangled in already, and I was still a child. Masturbating and allowing myself to become sexual with guys secretly. Not guys at one time, but over time. In my ignorance I thought that I was not a hoe because I never talked to more than one guy at a time, but really that wasn’t the deciding factor. Being sexual with any guy that is not your husband makes you a whore. Facts. I believe I was 12 or 13 when I begin kissing this one guy, who was my boyfriend. This would be the first guy that I allowed to be sexual with me. I wasn’t having sex yet, just being “fast” on the low now, very discrete with with it. So not only did I become aggressive in my attitude and then sexual, my personality and character began to be one of strong defense(fear), protective(fear), anxious(fear), and secretive(fear), along with all of the other positive traits that I would say that I did have.

 

So now I’m going to go back to discussing life as a young child aside from the molestation. Aside from what I’ve mentioned previously about myself and my family in our household, I was also raised to be an athlete.. My parents had us playing sports starting at  very young ages. I’ll say around 4 or 5 is when I started. I played basketball and softball my entire child hood on into high school. So I played sports literally year round. From age 4 or 5 until I was 18 years old. So in the midst of all that I had encountered, I was involved in continuous physical work through sports and going to school. Once basketball season was over, it was time for softball. We eventually started playing travel softball around age 9 or 10(I think), which was summer ball, so when I say YEAR round sports, I mean that literally. So it was school, games, practice, and random family events on the weekends. My sister Kiasiah and I both played softball and basketball. I have no idea if this is what I wanted to do, but it was all I knew to do, and as a child it was what I enjoyed. Basketball was my favorite of the two but I was better in softball.. We were always on the all star teams in both sports, and were usually the best players on the team,, even on the all star teams. My parents were our biggest support when it came to sports. They never missed any games and made sure we never missed any practices. I don’t remember anyone teaching us to play these sports,  it seems like it was just natural, and I guess by practicing with the team so much, that’s what developed our skills. We all played sports and were nice at them.. Kiasiah and I always played together, we were always on the same team so we were pretty much together most of the time,  when we were not at school because we were in different grade levels so we were not together much at school. When it came to academics I was great  in that as well. I made A’s and B’s until I got in I think 10th grade where I believe I made my first c. I was a honors student until I graduated high school. My point is, academics was never a struggle for me, I was a wiz kid or anything by far. I didn’t have to study much because my memory was great as far as I thought. I use to think I had a photographic memory because I could remember the things I would learn in the class lesson and not have to study for a test. However, I do remember in the 6th grade cheating on a test in science class so maybe my memory wasn’t as great as I thought lol. But I really just think I was goofing off in this class a lot and not paying attention as I usually would because of this new “friend” I had. With that being said, let’s talk about my life growing up with friends.

 

NOTE: I am trying my best to go in a decent order while telling this story but it may be a little messy because I honestly don’t have a outline set in place in order to talk about my entire life, I’m just going with the flow/winging it.

 

Regarding friendships, I was very serious about it, for as long as I can remember. When I mentioned that my siblings and I were very close, I believe our relationship is what helped build the  foundation for how I looked at relationships overall. Kiasiah was truly my first best friend, and being that she was my sister also, I believe that my passion for loyalty was built first at home through family relationship. Anybody I called a friend, I was very protective of them, just as I was with my siblings. I was naturally a protector. I assume that I was this way because of the molestation, which allowed me to understood, that without a certain type of “protection”, “bad” things could happen to a person. Not necessarily sexual related bad things but anything that could negatively affect or harm a person. Bullying for example. I didn’t like to see people be mistreated or hurt in any way, most definitely not my friends. In that, I became some what of a bully myself with this mindset because the only way I knew to protect a person  I cared about was with the same type tactics of a bully. Even when it came to protecting myself, aggression was all that I knew to use in order to protect myself. And again I’m assuming, but this aggression had to have come from what I had seen before in some form. (Parents).

 

 Before I move forward on the friendship topic, I want to remind you of when I said I was very observant growing up. Most often,  I watched first  instead of  speaking or before I spoke, unless I was arguing for some reason. Ratchet shit!lol. I’m reminding  you of this because as I just stated, in my attempt to protect people from being  bullied, I became some what of a bully,  within that same attempt, and this was something that also became a trend in my life, which is of great importance when I begin to talk more about my adult life. It was the same way with me, when I said I watched people and picked up on things that I did not want to adopt within myself. Without even noticing, I became exactly what I condemned and despised in other people. I didn’t realize this until I was an older teenager and more as an adult in my twenties.. This shows you how strong of an influence your environment and the people in it,  has on you and your development, no matter how you feel about them or your environment . I believe the influence is more extreme and affective when one lacks the  proper intervention, that will direct and assist them with  keeping self  set apart, if you are against what your environment or the people in it represent. GODLY intervention

 

Note: I have to squeeze in what’s necessary as I go, so forgive me for story hoppin

 

Unfortunately, my mother had ways and characteristics about herself that I truly despised. I didn’t recognize that my mother had any flaws until I was around about 9. Before recognizing the things I felt to be negative/flaws  about my mother, she was flawless to me. Though I don’t remember her talking much when I was little, I still remember her being like a breath of fresh air to me. I always wanted to be around her and I enjoyed when it was just her and I, which was rare. We had like a sweet silent passionate type of relationship, her and I. We all were like that about her. She was very sweet from what I remember before noticing these flaws.I truly looked at her  in the most positive way. She was a believer in Jesus Christ at one point, not sure if she still is today or not. We weren’t necessary “church people” but we went to church often. We never got involved in the church, like being a part of the lil organizations they had within the church but we would go faithfully, our friend new that if you spent the weekend at our house, you gotta bring ya church clothes for church on Sunday lol. NOTE: Dee never went to church. I remember him going once or twice, three times at the max, in my entire life.When  we were very small, we went to a church with a aunt that took us to church every Sunday, we went to Bible study and participated in the things  in the church for the kids. I don’t  remember why we stopped going with her to that church but we did, and never went back later in life. My mother to me seemed very humble like and also conservative. I must mention that church to me was a very serious thing. I remember having a strong reverence for God and church. I didn’t always want to go but I took it very serious. I believe I may have developed this reverence from watching my mother show it. She didn’t play about church, but eventually she wasn’t as dedicated as she once seemed to be and definitely didn’t seem to take it as serious.. I never  heard her curse until I was about 10, and even today it still sounds weird to hear her cuss. But surly she is a cussin box today and from what I understand, she was  when I never heard her cuss, she just never cussed around her kids I guess.. Now Dee on the other hand ain give a damn, he cussed  hard and often lol. But back to my mother, she was one of the main people that I watched constantly, obviously because that’s  my mother, but when I watched her I never looked for flaws like I did with others, so that’s possibly why I never recognized them, unless she just hid them well enough. And I assume I looked for laws mainly in people first because I understood that people could be nice to you and and seem kind, but will hurt you at any given opportunity, based on their person issues. (The molestation taught me that). So, when I was old enough to I understood certain things better and after watching people enough, I could not help but finally recognize her flaws. It affected me so much that I begin to look at her differently. I begin to watch her and only see flaw. I made a vow to myself that I would not be like her. I despised her character. However, still respected my mother, and we still had a special kind of relationship, but we started to bump heads often. My attitude got worse and I begin to truly feel like there was nothing she could tell me that I felt was valuable. All while I despised her character, this very character was adopted by me, and I turned out to be just like her in many ways, yet I was pointing out her flaws. Same trend. I was becoming the very thing I despised.

  

   I gained most of my friends from school and from playing sports. I wasn’t the type to always make new friends frequently, I pretty much kept the same friends I established from an early age, but I associated with a lot of people even if I didn’t refer to them as a friend. I would say that I was a friendly person overall.  My earliest memory of having a “best friend” outside of my sister was in Kindergarten. Her name was Tomorrow. After leaving Kindergarten I was disconnected from this friend because we went to different elementary schools. I do remember missing her and writing her a letter in the first grade telling her that I missed her. I made the letter in school so I don’t know if it was ever even mailed off. We later reunited in the 7th grade but was not as close, but we both still remembered and respected our childhood relationship. Later through out junior high and high school we had classes together so we built a relationship in our older age but still nothing like when we were kids. We ended up going to the same college and decided to be roommates during our freshman year. Later after kindergarten, I had several friends that I called my best friend and who called me their best friend. I valued each of these friendships. I won’t go into detail about each one due to the fact that I am trying to show the impact and influence that relationships had on my life. I do believe it is important to acknowledge the fact that in each of my friendships, I believe I was a major influence in their life. I could tell that I was an influencer just simply based on our personal relationship. This next story is an example of how much of an influence I had on people/my friends. When I was in the 4th 5th and  6th grade(ages 10-12),,  my best friend was a girl named Quathonia. Well first let me mention that the elementary school that we attended was on the side of town where most of the richer white people lived, so it was probably more white people in this school than all of the other elementary schools in town.(North Hartsville Elementary School). Her and I were later in honors classes together in the sixth grade, which consisted of mostly white people and maybe 3 or 4 blacks. She was kinda like a little sister to me and I was very protective of her. She was very small and short in stature, so if it came to it, she couldn’t really defend herself physically if necessary. Well at least that’s how I looked at it. She was also very kind in her demeanor. Both of us were raised in a home with both parents, that pretty much sheltered us more than the  advantage black kid in Hartsville. I remember us laughing together mostly and just having “real” conversations about life often. We did school work and projects together and was always partners in class. I think we even used each other to cheat on tests sometimes. We understood each other in a special type of way, and she always expressed her respect for me and showed her care towards me. I don’t think I was as affectionate as her but I definitely made the same known to her I’m some way.. Ok so long story short when we were in the 6th grade, there were two other black girls who were in the honors classes with us and were our friends also. One, who came to our school in the middle of the sixth grade from another city. Her and I became very close, and she referred to me as her best friend too. So now I had two best friends in school, and all three of us, Quat, the new girl and myself were inseparable. Later, The new girl had pretty much caused a division between Quat and I. I assume that she may have been jealous of our relationship, which is the more logical reason as to why she had begin to secretly,  pick on my best friend. As a 11 year old girl, I had never experienced this amongst friends. I didn’t stop her because I guess I just didn’t know how to properly handle such a thing. I believe Quat had began to notice  she was being treated differently. I remember feeling bad but still not knowing what to do to correct the situation without being mean, or offending either of my friends . Remember, I was use to addressing bullies for being mean, not my friends for being mean.Eventually, there was something told to me by one of the other two girls, saying that my best friend had betrayed me in some way(I don’t remember), I believed it and stopped talking to my best friend. During  the summer before  going to junior high, I was angry with my bf and had chose to not talk to her anymore, based off of something that we had later found out was a lie. This is a major thing to point out, because we are talking about a transition from elementary school where we’ve spent the last 6 years of schooling around the same kids, to a a bigger environment with new and older kids from all over the city that we have never seen or heard of before. Though I had friends from basketball that I was also close with, and as I remember, referred to as best friends also, but went to different schools. This is a entire campus full of new faces. Therefore, this was an important transition..Oh, and I forgot to mention that I was pretty much Quathonia’s closest friend. She didn’t hang out with anyone but me for the most part. Now her, a little small and shy(like myself), going into a new school with new faces and no longer having her best friend by her side. This had to have been one of the scariest things for her. I had older sisters to prepare me, but she didn’t. I would see her at school and completely ignore her. We didn’t talk to each other the entire school year. When I would see her she would seem so sad, bc now I was pretty much being mean to her by not talking to her, and hanging out with the  friend who had a hand in our separation. Eventually she found a new group of friends, which were girls who were completely different from her as far as character and what she was use to. And this was all because I had chose to unfriend her. As years passed, I noticed the course of her life had taken  a completely different course and she became a completely different person than what I would have ever expected, based on how I knew her. I blame myself for this. I had the power to possibly save her from a certain lifestyle,  had I understood how to properly handle the situation. Instead, I left her to to find new friends, and pursue foreign things, as I continued on with life, separated from her. So I would say to anybody who is in any type of relationship, be mindful of how you handle that relationship, if you value it,(or not), because you could be the very  influence for the route of their entire life, positive or negative. This is major! With understanding this, please understand that no matter how you influence a person, if the foundation of what or how you influence is not influenced by the ways of Jesus Christ, then there is most likely flaw present, which can still affect a person negatively even if the influence is a positive one.

 

Moving right along.

 

Now here  I am in Junior high school, going through a new phase of life,  growing, still observing, with no major adult influencer in my life leading me into understanding life, myself as a woman, or the things of God. At the beginning of 7th grade, my oldest sister was the biggest positive influence that I had, and she was only 3 years older than I, so she was still a” kid” herself, really not having enough experience or wisdom that was very valuable. As I mentioned  previously, I looked up to her, and she was to me back then what they call a “role model”.  Having an older sister as a role model, taught me how important it is for a young girl to have another woman to guide her and teach her how to become a woman, which is why I value the lives of young girls and women overall today. Before I continue, I  also have to recognize my big cousin Toya from Philly, who also played a big part in my  life as a little girl. She was about 5 or 6 years older than me, and just like my sister she showed a level of care for me that I respected, and still appreciate to this day. As a teenager at the time, she took the time to spend time with me and Kiasiah, she did our hair, and just showed us that she wasn’t too old or grown to kick it with us. And as a little girl, this meant a lot. She lived in Philly, which was where my dad lived, so  we only spent one summer with her, but  the influence lasted forever. Though I didn’t have the privilege of birthing a little girl of my own,  I get excited when I simply see or encounter a younger girls,, because it’s like I have something that I KNOW they need; Which is simply experience and Some wisdom of God that can positively affect their lives  forever, and the generations to come.

 

Note: I will introduce certain people as I continue to talk about important events in life, and how that person may have had an impact on the future course of my life.

 

  My grandmother, my mother’s mother, Laura Ann Ham Cranford, was one I grew up adoring. I was crazy about her. Though she did not have much of a positive  impact on my life, I learned from my short-lived relationship with her, how important and valuable grandmothers are. NOTE: I understand now that WOMEN overall have the most valuable position in life, period. My grandmother was wild lol. She smoked cigarettes religiously, drank alcohol often, and would cuss anybody out at any moment. Though she had bad habits, she believed in Jesus Christ, and she would literally give you her last. And from what I was told, she would open her door to anybody that needed a place to live. I remember  wanting  to be under her all the time. I used to get the best sleep when I slept with her, laying on her arm. She would have 4 of us in one bed at the same time with her, with both arms stretched out and everybody laying on each one lol. I can still remember her scent. It was something about her that was just beautiful to me.. I was so attached to her. When she would baby sit us, then have to leave to go to work, or leave to run to the store, me and my first cousin Sean, and sometimes my siblings,  would take turns  hiding  in the backseat of her car so that we could go with her. Sometimes she would catch us before she pulled off, but other times she wouldn’t see us until she was well down the road or even at her destination. She was a great cook of all the unhealthy foods, which I don’t support today. She use to make the best collard greens, and ramen noodles on the stove. She was the first person to introduce me to coffee. She use to drink it  black with a lot of sugar. There was a time when she was a taxi driver and it seemed like she always had money. Hella one dollar bills all the time lol. She use to give us dollar bills all the time. At the time she had seven grand children. 4 from my mother, 2 from my aunt Tia, and 1 from my uncle Stevie. She treated my mothers kids differently for some reason. She was nicer to us. Maybe she was just nicer to the girls. I remember her and my mother not having the best relationship. I remember this making me sad, because to me, my mother was mean to her. To me, my mother was mean to her brother and sister too. I believe this was the first flaw I noticed about my mother, but I was too young to apply it to how I viewed her. During this time, I still vowed my mother as an innocent kind woman. These are just a few of my most memorable moments with with my grandmother, though there were many. She died when I was 8, and I was sooo heart broken. I remember at the funeral, I had to be escorted out of the church because I was so hysterical. It was said, that she died of heart complications, which I grew up understanding that it was due to her smoking so much. When she was sickly in the months before passing, I remember my siblings and I telling her to stop smoking because every time she smoked, she had chest pains. We stole her cigarettes one day and threw them away and she was so upset. I remember her expressing in a very subtle way that she appreciated our concern for her, but she was just too addicted. I don’t think any of the grand children understood how sick she was because her death was so unexpected. For me most definitely. That was the first close relative death I had ever experienced. I cried for years off and on after that, but eventually I finally accepted it better. Her death took a heavy toll on all of her children. I watched my mother year after year have break downs. It was mainly on Mother’s Day, my grandmothers birthday, and during church services. I believe after her death is when I begin to truly recognize the flaws of my mother. The death of her mother could have been, the catalyst that, activated certain behaviors in here that I had never noticed before.

    

    Aside from that, let’s introduce my Aunt Tia and my uncle Stevie, who were the next closest relatives we had. My aunt Tia, who is the aunt that I was closest to, was my favorite aunt. Her real name is Kristina, but for some reason my mother’s children grew up calling her Tia. Supposedly that’s what Neke, my oldest sister, use to call her when she was very little so, it was just passed on through her. Anywho,Tia, was my favorite auntie. She was ghetto lol..Real ghetto lol. My mother and her were complete opposites by way of how they moved in life, but were alike in ways still. I favored my aunt a lot in appearance and probably took on a lot of her ghetto ways lol. Actually, I think she probably had the greatest influence on the ratchet characteristics that I developed. I adored my aunt Tia too, but I recognized her flaws, early, probably because she didn’t hide them. She was who she was and wasn’t ashamed of it. She talked a lot of shit, cussin and fussing, like her mother, my grandmother Ann, but just like my “groma”, she would give you her last, literally, and open her door if you needed a place to live. I watched this my entire life, so it is 100% facts. In fact, we use to tell her to stop giving people money, letting folks drive her car, and just doing anything for everybody. We would tell her this because it was obvious that people were ungrateful and possibly just using her because they new she was going to help. She did this in much lack, and was willing to lack, just to help another person. Even though I told her to stop doing these things so much, I respected her for it. Tia wasn’t wealthy by far, she lived in the projects for much of her adult life. I use to tell her growing up that I was gonna buy her a big house, that was paid off. This was a dream I had for as far back as I can remember. Ask her today, and she’ll tell you the same. I still have that same desire today. Tia was our escape from the stress we encountered at our house. Going to her house was such a relief. She treated my mothers kids like we were her own, actually better. Tia would do anything for us, no matter what. She understood how my mother was, so anytime we expressed to her about issues we were having at home, she understood and was there to comfort us. We would tell Tia things that we wouldn’t dare tell my mother. She didn’t judge us negatively about ANYTHING! It wouldn’t be until we became adults, that she expressed some type of judgment towards us, and it usually dealt with guys. Even in that, she still was the same Tia we always knew, showing us how much she care about us. For a very long time, Tia only had 1 child. I never imagined her having anymore, until she had, her second son about 2 years before her mother died. I think Sean was 7 years old. I was sure that she wouldn’t have anymore after that, but boy was I wrong. She had 5 more after that lol. Tia’s kids after Sean, who was my favorite cousin, were like my kids. I was so protective over them, and always wanted to take care of them. As a young girl, I would try and give Tia advice concerning them. Her very last child, was the only one that I didn’t get to really know like the others. She let me and my sisters name her youngest boy Kayden.  Well he’s actually not the youngest, he had a brother that died, who was a twin to her first girl.

 

It’s so much to say about Aunt Tia lol. When I went off to college, Tia, had 4 kids, and had 3 while I was in college. Even with so many kids, and still not having much at all, she never ceased in helping me financially no matter what. Up until I was about  25 years old, Tia has probably given me over 8,000 dollars. Whether it was for food, drugs, alcohol, gas, lights, rent, anything, if she had it she was at that western union sending it baby! If she didn’t have what was needed, she was giving what she had. When I say she ain play about her kids, niece, and nephews, I am NOT exaggerating. She helped me financially as an adult more than my parents. Shoot I had to beg my mother to send my $20 in college. Most of the time she “ain’t have it”, so of course I just stopped asking, understanding she wasn’t goin send anything. But as far my aunt Tia, I’ll give her props for just being who she was to me, and expressing her care for me in so many ways, without ceasing. All of our friends use to like her too, everybody knows the infamous “Aunt Tia” lol.. Unfortunately, as I got older into adulthood, and chose a different course in life, our relationship slightly changed. I changed, so it was inevitable. However, that’s still my favorite aunt today, and I still respect her. Oh, and I have to mention that Tia too believes in Jesus Christ, and has experienced the power of God in her life, so on that note, we have a special understanding for each other, though we don’t currently communicate as often as we always had.

 

We didn’t really see my uncle Stevie that often. We saw him more often when my grandmother was alive, because he used to live with her. He is the youngest of the three. He is currently married, and has a lot of children, I’m not sure how many. I had a pretty nice relationship with my uncle, and I cared about him a lot growing up. He called me his fat mama. Our relationship was like the typical uncle and niece relationship, he was very protective of us and would too give us anything, if he could. However, he was a lot more less fortunate. My uncle was a little off mentally, and dealt with a few addictions, but it never changed his care for his nieces and nephews. I never really see or talk to uncle Stevie when I was older, but when I would, he was always the same way he had always been. A few times in my adult life, he would randomly call me on Facebook, and we would literally talk on the phone for hours. I think one time me and him stayed on the phone for like two hours. I don’t know, but it’s just a different special type of connection that a child has with their mother’s siblings. When my siblings had children, I was able to experience this distinct connection. For some this may not be so, but for me, it is. So the next closest family members I had was my “groma”, Aunt Tia and her children, and uncle Stevie.

 

Note for me: talk about the Christmas’s we had as kids.

 

Now that I have talked about a few important family members, let’s get back to life from junior high school, and move forward from there. Here I am, a 13 year old girl, who’s trained in sports, importance of education, manners, fashion, and that’s about pretty much it. As I mention previously, I played basketball and softball growing, and now volleyball. Our junior high school had a basketball, volleyball, and I think a softball team. I was only interested in volleyball because Neke played it, and was a beast. So I figured I’d play too. I tried out for the junior high team and played on the school team until my senior year of high school. It didn’t take long to get the gist of this sport, it was like I automatically knew how to play. When it came to basketball and softball, I chose to try out for the high schools teams.

 

  Rewind just a little bit. Before going to junior high school, I played recreation ball. I started out playing for the YMCA at my very early ages. When I started playing for the rec, I met my best friend that i mentioned previously when I talked about having a friends outside of school that I played basketball with. Her name was Jazz. Jazz was a beast. Along with myself and Kiasiah. Both of them were better than me in skill, but I was close by. There were several girls that were like sisters to me, that I played ball with for many years during that league. “The rec” was like the most popular place to play basketball at in the community. It reminds me of what it was like to go to a battle on you got served lol. The city was live. From what I remember, it was the hottest spot in town during these days. The gym would be so packed every Saturday, the whole city, well the black folks, would be there. During my generation, basketball was a big deal in Hartsville, and many great athletes were breaded during that time. Truly no exaggeration, but we literally had so much superstar talent grown there. Lost many to the streets though. Anywho, this is where I was pretty much “scouted out” at. The Varsity basketball coach came to one of our basketball games when I was in the 6th grade, and watched my team play. Jazz was playing that day too. I didn’t really know her back then but she had express her interest in us, and started giving us advice on our game, and  wondered if we were gonna play school ball. I don’t remember the conversation verbatim, but of course we said yes. That’s was the last time I had seen her before Jazz and I decided to to try out for the varsity team. Now, just in case you are unfamiliar with what the varsity team is, that’s the highest level of basketball in high school, usually reserved for the best juniors and seniors, and maybe a sophomore if you were skilled enough.

 So I’m in here in junior high school(7th grade), and it’s time for basketball season. Tryouts for the junior high school and the high school were on the same day. Note: my oldest sister Neke was currently playing for varsity (I think, maybe not) and Kiasiah was currently playing for junior varsity, as a 8th grader, going to junior high with me and jazz. Jazz’s oldest sister was also playing junior varsity as a sophomore at the time. Being that out sister’s were playing high school ball I think this gave us the courage to try out. We stood in the courtyard going back and forth on whether we were going to the high school try out or if we were going to the high school try outs. We chose the high school try outs. Kiasiah had pretty much paved the way for us though because when she was in the seventh grade she made the JV team, and was a beast. She was one of the better players, but the youngest. I think she was the first junior high player to play a high school sport ever, or in a very long time. I do know that was un heard of during that those days. So long story short, myself, jazz (7th grade), and Kiasiah(8th grade) all made the varsity team as junior high kids. This caused major controversy, because Pat Hewitt, the varsity coach, cut several vet players during their senior year and recruited 3 babies. This was the beginning of a new life journey for me.

 

Basketball was the center of my life. When I made the varsity team, it became more important to me on an entire new level. Everything about it now, under the mop teaching/coaching of Pat Hewitt, was more than just basketball to me.

IMPORTANT PAUSE:

Pat Hewitt played a very significant role in my life overall, and I  feel like if it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t be in this position as a Woman of God today. She had the most positive and effective impact on me, starting from the age of 13 until 18. Coach Hewitt, as we called her, was my first adult woman role model. She was my leader, my mentor, encourager, corrector, and elder. She was a rich, old, well dressed, woman for God white lady. She not only taught me basketball, but she taught me the importance of being a modest respectful LADY, and most importantly the importance of Jesus Christ. The was a Christian first above all, and she made that known, but she had a passion for basketball like I had never seen before. She also had a passion for doing what was right. She genuinely cared about people, and these things I observed about her. I watched her, and she was the first woman I watched and desired to be like. I wanted to be godly, and righteous like her. I wanted to be honest and diligent like her. I could find no fault in her during my entire years playing for her. I eventually started to hear negative roomers about her, but it didn’t change my view of her, period. She was a woman of God, and the first Christian that really represented it well. I had watched many people in church and outside of church, and by the time I was around 14 I knew something just wasn’t right with the so called Christian church folk. Coach Hewitt was the first person who  told me in the most respectable but aggressive way, that I was mean. She told me that I had an attitude as well. My mother and siblings would tell me this all the time, but it affected me  different when she told me. She tried to teach me how to use that aggression on the court in a positive way. I had never been dealt with life that before. She would encourage me constantly with correction, aggression, kisses, hugs, punches to the chest, many things, but I never got truly upset with her, I respected it. I understood it. And the only reason I understood it was because she was a woman of God, so I trusted her, and I trusted that anything she did was right in the sense of it helping us. I understood that everything she did was with a positive purpose. From the punishments, punches, and extended practices to the many team dinners, mall visits, camps, pool parties, gifts, etc. I always felt like her and I had a special relationship. I say this, because she recognized the passion I had behind my aggression, and showed respect towards me always for me being set a part in many ways. She never had any issues with me off the court due to academics or my behavior. Anytime she ever had and issue with me, was on the court when I wasn’t working hard, playing up to par. Sometimes I would get lazy for whatever reason, whether it was because I was tired or or simply just not being lazy. She never ceased to call me out on it. I may have rolled my eyes or something but I never was truly mad at her because of it, because I knew it was true.The truth was what I always admired. I didn’t always respond well to it if it wasn’t what I wanted to hear, but I always considered it. So 6 years Coach Hewitt pretty much raised me in basketball and in life overall. She taught me how to be a lady, though I strayed away from that often, but it always stuck with me. She taught me to keep God and Jesus Christ first, and she also taught me the importance of believing(faith). If I had understood the power of works coupled with faith, I would have been a better person as a whole. She worked us sooo hard. We practiced religiously, for hours a day. I enjoyed it though!If my diet would have been better, I don’t think I would have been as drained as I would be. I was definitely in shape, but no matter how physically in shape you are, you have to be eating properly to sustain that fitness. And I was a heavy eater. My mama and Dee made sure we ate. I mean eat as much as we wanted, eat till you get full type thing. We never missed a meal or went hungry, ever. I remember Dee use to by like 20 hamburgers from McDonald’s, Burger King, or Sonic and it was a burger buffet for us. Anytime they bright food or cooked, it was A LOT. We liked to eat! All of us. Lil d probably and my mama probably ate the least, but the rest of us, was greedy lil hogs lol. I didn’t really eat healthy at all. The healthiest thing we are growing up was salad and fruits. Watermelon was I go to fruit. I don’t know how they did it with 4 kids, no foodstamps, no welfare, no outside financial assistance, and made sure we ain lack physically , period. But again Pat Hewitt to me was a major influence and guide to be the become the best woman of God that I was ordained to be.

 

Okay now I have to rewind again and talk about the boy and girls club that I attended from age 8 to maybe 11. The boys and girls club was the other place influence that contributed to my ratchetness. The boys and girls club was gheeeto foreal. It was a after school and summer school program. We only went during the summer. Here, I was exposed to a life that was far from the life I I had known. Her I had met my other best friend India. This was a place that I met many people that I didn’t go to elementary school with. I do t any of the children who attended this place went to elementary school with me. It was located on the opposite side of town, in the middle of the hood pretty much. Though this place was not what I was used to, being that we went to the YMCA usually for summer camp, it was more comfortable to me. I think the boys and girls club was a lot cheaper, so that’s why we started going there. It was only black staff and black kids who attended and one white boy. It was over 80 kids who attended. The only white boy, was that same little boy that showed his penis during circle time. Go figure. Anywho, we were split up according to age group here, so I was grouped with a bunch of kids my age, which I was t fond with because I was more social and drawn to the older kids. I was cool with the staff, Sou would get to go to the age up group, where Kiasiah was most of the time. Here is where I learned to dance. However most of the dancing we did was fast type dancing. We would dance with boys, cuss, and just do all type of stuff that we would t do around our parents. Most of the staff was young so they was letting it happen. Though I would be involved with these things, I still was looked at as the “good girl”. I didn’t start cussin fluently until I was probably in the 8th or 9th grade. I think people viewed us differently because they though we had money, since we lived in a big house, and because of who our parents were. Everybody k ew our parents were strict.  Point is the boys and girls club trained me to be independent, and opened the door to sin in a way that would build a character that was not very becoming. Aside from that, it taught me more about different people and how they moved and lived life. I was still watching. Seeing all the negative things, despising it, but yet becoming victim to it still. I had to be sure to add this in just to show that how my environment also was a major influence to who I became. Not only did the boys and girls club shape me, but life playing for the rec did as well.

 

Okay so im in junior high in 7th grade and middle school in the 8th grade. Junior high was such a new world to me. I started really feeling myself in the 7th grade. I was still shy, but I definitely was prepared by the boys and girls club life. Shoot, if you went to the boys and girls club, you could handle anything in the city lol. That was the hood foreal. I was big into fashion. Sneakers and jewelry was my thing. Fashion was easy for me, and I always liked dressing nice. It was a part of me, so it did t really take much thought. I was also very particular about my hair, I always wanted it looking nice. My mother would braid our hair all the time growing up, but by the time I was in junior high, our hair had pretty much taken a toll on my mothers hands(me and Kiasiah had super thick hair), so we started doing our own hair most of the time, wearing pony tails. She was a beautician, and had her own hair salon in our back yard. We had never had a perm before, but convinced her to let us get one in junior high. I regret that to this day. Before that she would straighten our hair.

 

 So now I’m playing varsity basketball, jv softball, and junior high volleyball. My home life is not too much different, other than the fact that my schedule has changed drastically. I now have practice every day after school. Me Kiasiah and Jazz would walk from the junior high school, to the high school every day for practice. It was probably like a 40 minute walk every day. These moments were so memorable. Everybody knew us as the basketball girls that played for the varsity team. I wasn’t big on the flaunting the popularity thing, because that just wasn’t my personality, but I definitely say we were popular. Most definitely because basketball was a popular sport in our city. Emily Jackson was another nice player that I grew up with from rec league softball and basketball. She too was my best friend. Lawd I had a lot of best friends all over the city lol. I talked to here on the phone more than anybody before junior high. We would stay on the phone for hours a day, talking about what, I son I know. But she was the most caring, outgoing, bubbly person I have ever known. And she was loyal. She got a long with any and everybody. She She started playing varsity with us once she was in the 9th grade. Me her and Jazz ere classmates. We had known each other since we were probably 6 years old. We pretty much grew up together. Unfortunately after high school Emily died in. tragic car accident, and this shook the whole city. I was a freshman or sophomore in college at the time. I was heartbroken. Much honor to the life of my old friend.

 

I had my first official boyfriend in the 7th grade. He was the super star basketball player of our generation. He was a year older than me. I had my first kiss with him, and first sexual relation with him. We never had full on sex, but we did a lot of things for sexual pleasure. We both were very secretive people so we were very discrete. He had a girlfriend before I came to junior high, so I think he was steal dealing with her on the side, because every time we would break up, he was back with her lol. And when they would break up, he was back with me. A mess. When it came to guys I was not the promiscuous type. I was a one guy only type of girl. I dealt with this guy off and on until he left to go to another school when I was 16 years old. I do remember kissing these two guys in the 9the grade, me and the other guy had to have been broken up. Both of the guys were older. I had a thing for older guys. I remember having my first crush on a much older guy, when I was about 10 years old. I think he was about 18. Around this same time I had another crush on a man who was probably about 20 when I went to the boys and girls club. He was one of the counselors. But anywho as you see if was secretly fast. We weren’t even allowed to have boyfriends in my house. This was like murder in my house, which gave even more reason for me to have to sneak and be this way. In comparison to the other girls I was around, I was an angel. There parents let them have boyfriends so they were all out with their sin.

I had my second boyfriend when I was 18 years old. It was a guy that I had met met at one of our parties in Hartsville. So I use to be a party host in high school. How we needed up being allowed by our parents to do this, I do not ow. Well sin is the answer. Sin will find a way to help you sin, if that makes sense. The party spot was called the pool palace. When I say we use to party like we were grown, I am not exaggerating. It was almost every other Saturday that the party took place. The Who city and surrounding cities would be at her pool palace. This was my I’ll side hustle, since I never had a job until college. Hosting larites and doing hair was my only two sources of my own income. I would say I was probably 14 or 16 when we started having these parties. Me Kiasiah and Jazz were lil business women lol. Hustlers lol. This was really where I began smoking and drinking. I had tried smoking black and molds in the 8th grade but I wasn’t really with it. I used to despise it, but ended up being a victim once again.

 

By this point I was in high school, obviously. Going to high school wasn’t a big change for me because I was already well acquainted because I was there every day, I was around the high basketball players all the time. Basketball was life. I eventually started drinking probably at the age of 15, and smoking at 16. I remember the first time I smoked with a homeboy, India, Kiasiah, and Jazz. Lawd have mercy. I was so scared, but I was with the shits. I finally figured out how to inhale properly, and got super high. I was still cautious so I tried not to hit the bleezy a lot. I learned what the munchies were that day. We went to Hardee’s right after high as hell. NOW with suck strict parents, how in the hell did we manage to start living such a reckless life? Something with the parenting was obviously off. Anything could had happened to us out there. We were out there wildin. Not only were we smoking, but we were getting people to buy us 4 lokos and liquor before every party. It had gotten so bad that my classmates and I were putting 4 locos in slushy cups, drinking them during the school day smh. By this point I was about 17, and now smoking and drinking was pretty much a every weekend thing for us. My parents had no idea. Most definitely not Dee. My mother may have had some suspicion, but they thought I was just an angel outside of my lil attitude, so they probably was confident that I was out there goofing off.

 

So this boyfriend that I had would be the guy to take my virginity at the age of 18. He use to come to he parties at the pool palace. I didn’t even really like him, because he just wasn’t my type at all, but he was real cool, and I didn’t want to be mean to em, so I fell in the trap. He was like 3 years older than I. When I met him, is when I started sneaking out of the house. Dee use to work night shifts and my mama use to play cards at night and be gone all night, or she would just be sleep. He use to travel like 45 min to come see me. One night he drove down, when My parents were scheduled to not be home for sure, for some reason, and we had sex on the couch. It was horrible and not what I expected sex to be like. I was disappointed. I was mostly disappointed because at the age of 15 or 16, in the midst of all the wrong I was doing, I had made a vow that I would never have sec until I was married. I think I was the only legit virgin out of all my friends. I didn’t lose my virginity until the summer before I went to college. Note: there was no way that I was going to keep that vow with the sin I was consumed in. The influence of Coach Hewitt wasn’t even enough to keep me pure. I needed more. I needed more reason to stay set apart, but unfortunately the world sucked me right in.

 

Now let’s talk about life as an athlete a little more. Im in high school now, still playing basketball, softball and volleyball. I quit softball my junior year of high school because it was no longer fun for me. When I was 14 years old, I tore my ACL during a AAU game, which was  summer elite basketball. It was like a Allstate team combined with all of the best players in the pee Dee area. I had to have surgery and was out for a few months. When I came back, my game was different, but I was recovering well, and getting back to myself. I would say that I stepped my game up even after the surgery. I had a male coach for AAU, who I respected a lot. He was the parent of my first boyfriend. He and I had a very close relationship, he was also a major influence in my life. He believed in me concerning basketball more than anybody. He use to tell me I had super star talent. He built my confidence even more. Unfortunately a few years later, I tore the ACL in my other knee during a high school game. After this surgery I was definitely never the same in my skills. I also had to have another surgery, which was  on my finger because I caught an infection in my finger from biting my nails. I was a habitual nail biter, but after this, that habit was broken forever. So throughout my years of getting injured I still continue with basketball and volleyball. My dream all my life was to play in the WNBA, but after my second ACL tear, that dream was diminished. I didn’t want to touch a basketball after high school, I was done with it.

 

Outside of sports, I still liked fashion, I enjoyed hanging out with my siblings, and friends, and I still smoked and drank occasionally, usually on the weekends. I had a reverence for God that I didn’t understand how to manage or properly value. I was so serious about my commitment to God that I made a vow that I wasn’t having sex until I was married. I believe I had been so convicted of the different things I was participating in that I made this vow not only believing that I would do it, but believing that as long as I didn’t have sex that I was in good standing with God, regardless of the things I was doing that I knew to be wrong. I’m talking about down to the “smallest things”. I had even made a vow to finish reading the entire little red Bible I had. Not only did I want to do it, but it made me feel safe. It took me about a year to finish it. I would read at least one scripture a night no matter what, but usually I would read until I became sleepy. And as some may know, it don’t take long to get sleepY when you start reading the word lol. I think I was 16 when I did this. Another thing I was committed to was praying. I was taught to pray by my mother. She just simply taught us to say our prayers every single night. It was a requirement pretty much. It was that “now your lay me prayer” that was the base, Then whatever you wanted to say to God afterwards. I remember being on my knees praying/talking to God for so long that my knees use to have deep carpet prints on them. I use to get a little embarrassed because I used to be down there so long, lol, but I had a lot to say. Talking to God became a part of my daily life. If I wasn’t t doing that, I was day dreaming. I day dreamed and fantasized about my future all day long. From elementary school until high school. The more I smoked the less I did this. I would get so zoned out that it would be like I was literally in my thoughts, if that makes sense. I remember having so many thoughts in my mind about so many things that I just didn’t even want to think. Day dreaming was literally my escape. But back to this praying, I remember one day before one of our high school basketball games, Coach Hewitt randomly picked me to pray. We usually always say the Lord’s Prayer before a game, and she would pray more or get somebody to pray. Never though she would choose me since I was just a youngster, but this night she called me out. I never pray out loud or in front of people so I was nervous. So I prayed, and of course it was long winded because that’s all I knew lol. I finished and I think they all was shocked. I was talking to God like I usually do lol. They clowned me, calling me pastor Tammy or something like dat, and I was so ashamed lol. Point is, talking to God for me has been a major part of my life.

 

 Kiasiah was still one of my best friends and we always shared most of the same friends. It had finally gotten to a point where we were able to go out places with people on our own, because shoot by the time we were 16 we thought we were grown anyway. When I was a senior in high school I hung out with the basketball team, but mainly Kiasiah, India, Jazz, Kelah, Quett, and  Ashley outside of school. We all became frequent smokers. Quett wasn’t so much a smoker, she was a drinker. Almost every weekend, if we didn’t have anything planned with the family, we were tryna find a way to smoke and go eat at some restaurant. We liked getting high getting the munches and piggin’ out. If we were doing something with the family on the weekend, it was probably attending a family cookout or going on vacation. We actually went on a lot of vacations growing up. Neke didn’t go with us on most of them. I think it was because she spent every summer in Charlotte running track, and that’s when we usually went on big vacations. So during the latter years of high school, I was definitely always trying to get into something or just stay at home and find a way to have fun. I actually like staying home best though. Our house was like the go to spot. We pretty much turned my mothers salon into a kick back spot. We would invite people over to kick it out there often. It was Usonian the usual crew, and we would do our usual thing, smoke or drink and play cards. I also liked going to Aunt Tia’s house. That was always my second home. I forgot to mention that Tia was a cook, everybody knew she could cook, and everyone always wanted a plate. Going to her house on a day she cooked, most definitely Sunday, was something epic to do. My days were pretty redundant, and in order for the most part. My schedule stayed consistent since I played sports.

  

Insert: I haven’t talked about my great grandmother Kenny Ham yet, who was the mother of grandma Ann. I was her look alike. Shortly after my grandmother dies she became very sick. Her house was the place I had that crush on that 18 year old. Her house at the time was like the typical big mama’s house. Most of all the family cookouts took place there. Anyone here kids f from out of town came down, they usually stayed at grandma Kenny’s house. I remember her being super quiet and gental. They say she was wild in her earlier years, but I never saw that. She was old by the time I came along. I was told stories of how I use to be so attached to her when I was a baby. I didn’t want anybody to Kew me but her. I was told that I was a “crying baby” always crying lol. When grandma Kenny got really sick, I think she was sent home, with the understanding that she was gonna die some. A lot of the out of town family was in town, so I know it had to be understood she was dying. My mother used to do a lot for her when she was sick. I remember going over there a lot when she was sick just to spend time with her. My mother had a better relationship with her than her mother. The day she died, she was in her room, laying in a hospital style bed, breathing all slow and heavy, and me and my cousin Toya(not Toya from pholly) was standing by her bed looking at her and I think we were holding her hand. We watched her literally take her last breath. We ran to get somebody and shortly after that she was pronounced dead. I think there was a nurse already there. Everyone was in in out to see her before she actually died. She had I think 12 or 14 kids total, and two or three of them died before she did. This was the second death I had ever experienced within my family. After her death, head of our family was gone, so the unity slowly dwindled.

 

I think it’s time to discuss my male parents,  Dee and Steven. To this day, I don’t have proof as to which one is the biological dad because a blood test was never done, but as I stated previously, my mother said that Dee was actually the biological dad. I was told this at the age of 21 years old, when I came home from college one holiday. My mother and Dee called me to the kitchen and just spilled the beans. In that moment I really didn’t know what to say. First, I couldn’t even believe they had the courage to even bring that to me period. The action was just out of character for them. They had never actually initiated a serious conversation about anything our entire lives, so for them to present that to me was weird more than anything. I also felt a sense of sorrow for the both of them. I felt bad that they even had to deal with it at all. I felt more sorry for them than I did for myself at the time. Due to the state of mind I was in at the time, and the lifestyle I was living, it really didn’t seem to affect me. When I was growing up, my mother used to say slick jokey things to me like, “yo DADDY called you”, referring to Dee(Note: I only called my daddy Stevie that, I called Dee, “Dee”) or, “you know Dee your real daddy right”, and ask me if I wanted to get my last name changed to Robinson. It was occasionally that she said these things, but every time she said it, she would kinda laugh with it. I remember being about 9 or 10 when she first started saying these things. It would be at the most random times. This use to be the worst thing I felt she ever would do to me. I hated when she would say these things, I don’t think she had any idea how much that use to hurt my feelings. Not only would I be upset and sad, but I was confused. VERY confused! I could not figure out why she would only say those things to me. The possibility that she may have been telling the truth wasn’t even a  thought in my mind. I thought she was just saying that to me because she wished it was true, and because she hated my daddy (Stevie)so much. I would think about it so much and still couldn’t figure it out. The thing about the last name just did it for me. I remember thinking like what the hell is wrong with her and ain’t no way she really think I want my last name changed. I think it got to a point where she was actually telling me like Dee is going to adopt you and you going change your last name. Whatever it was, I wasn’t with it, and really ain even entertain it. I was still extremely hurt by it though, but because I couldn’t really ask questions like that comfortably or respond crazy, I just help it in. As I did with a lot of things. But yea, anywho, the older I got the less she did that, until eventually she just stopped. And I wasn’t “adopted” nor was my last name changed. After they told me that, o thought back to all of these times and finally thought there was actually a possibility. However, it didn’t make a difference to me, because regardless, Dee was still Dee, and my daddy was still my daddy. Before I I actually get into Dee and my relationship, I want to point one more thing out about my mother. She use to literally hate my daddy. My entire life I never once heard her actually talk to him. She expressed so much malice towards him that it was literally heart breaking. Dee showed his disgruntled heart towards him too. This was one of the main stressors that I encountered my entire child hood. It was this way continuously, and it never changed.

 

Dee was one of those working men. He played that typical American dad role, but a lot more strict than the average. He literally raised me from before I was one years old I think. But I was raised understanding him to be my step dad and Steve to be my real dad. He and my mom got married  when I was about 2, if not before. I have no memories in life where he wasn’t who he was to me. I assume that even though Dee and my mother was together, things were set up the typical way when a you have woman/man who has a baby by one man/women, but ends up being with another man/woman, you know that baby daddy baby mama thing lol. So she pretty much raised me knowing the difference. My sisters and I all had the same dad. Most people didn’t even know that Dee wasn’t our real dad. Well most of our peers for sure. Shoot some of our own cousins didn’t even know.  Dee was definitely respected by me. It seems like I was mad at him for most of my life. He was a great provider. He made sure we didn’t lack in anything. I never remember experiencing any type of financial hardship. They were cheap for sure lol, but we always had more than enough food, more than enough clothes, we had a nice big house with a back yard, we always had a car from what I remember, and Christmas’s were lit. They went allll out for Christmas every year. When it came to the things that they thought we needed, they came through, but when it came to all the extras, they got real broke. I understand though because again, with 4 kids, I don’t know how they did it. We were looked at by people like we were the “white kids”, because we lived in the area and the house that we lived in, but little did they know, unless they actually knew, we were far from that. We may not have lacked anything but we definitely weren’t rich by a long shot. We were just kids with country/ghetto/“boogie” parents who made it out the struggle. Dee was a very stern man. He fussed often, and we all had a fear for him. I understand now how stressed he may have been, having to work continually, providing for 4 kids and a wife. But to us he was mean. The fear for him was another major stressor for me as a child. The fear of doing something wrong to get in trouble for. The fear of making bad grades, the fear of having the tv too loud, the fear of leaving something out of place, the fear of walking too hard upstairs, Lawd! There were soooo many things that would cause him to yell and fuss or even beat us. Lil Dee got most of the whoopings. The last whooping I got from him was probably @ the age of 9 or 10.  I rarely got whoopings but the older I got, getting fussed at was the corrective action taken. I hated being yelled at. I hated yelling period.(Even though when I fussed or argued I yelled my ass off). Dee used to tell me when I would argue with my siblings “Just because you loud don’t make you right” or sumn like that. By the time I was about 12, I had the attitude of “I wish one of them would try and beat or hit me”. I was confident with it too, and had no idea what I woulda did if they did. They never did though. I mentioned previously that my mother never used to cuss, but Dee was a cussing machine.  He didn’t hold back period. It was just in his daily vocabulary. He and I had a special relationship though. He treated me a bit more tender than the others, but he was definitely still very serious. We used to like when he was at work because we knew  we didn’t have to worry about getting in trouble for something random. Some of you may know what that’s like, when it’s a party when it’s just mama at home lol. Even though I had this fearful reverence and resentment towards him, I still looked at him as my protector. Through his very militant demeanor, it taught me to be tough. It didn’t teach me how to necessarily manage it but I believe that’s definitely where I get my willpower from. Though I strayed from this, I believe he also to me to respect and value myself. Though I had already learned that guys could be very disgusting and file, he warned us in a his own way not to trust them. One way he did this was by enforcing the no boyfriend rule, making it like the u forgivable sin. If I had been given a better reason as to  why, then maybe I would have chosen to honor and obey that rule. Unfortunately, the why wasn’t enough for me. In fact, I was never given a why.

 

Dee was disconnected from his mothers side of the family for the most part as far as I remember. We encountered that side of his family more when we were very young, and very rarely when we were older. I never felt accepted by them. They treated me and my sisters weird. I’m not sure if they felt this way, but I definitely did. They understood that we were not his biological kids so I believe that’s why we were treated strange. However,  when we got older, they were more kind. I assume because we were more aware. We never really built a relationship with his mother. It was mostly like a hey and bye type relationship. When we ever went to visit her it was always uncomfortable and the vibe was off. I don’t think he and his mother had the best relationship, which is why I believe we had that disconnect to the his family. We did began to build a relationship with one of his sisters. I remember my mother use to tell me that I looked her. At one point I started to believe it, because I noticed the resemblance. Dee used to always tell me that I acted just like her. I remember watching her and eventually agreeing. I always felt she had a dope style, one that I identified with for some reason. It was like a “ghetto” type swag. I would say that my ghetto and classy swag was partially inspired by her. I don’t remember ever looking at anybody else and adopting their swag in any way.

 

As I mentioned previously, Dee was a perfect provider. He really set the bar when it came to setting an example for what a provider should look like in a man. He didn’t spoil us necessarily, but he never let us experience lack or struggle. I watched my close family members struggle and close friends, so I experienced it in that way, but hands on, in my home, never. Because of this, I believe it made me less greedy or money hungry. When I would say I wanted to be rich one day, it wasn’t because I never had much, it was because that’s just  what I knew I would be, and that’s just what I desired. Not to boast or anything, but just because that’s what seemed right/normal to me. I learned when I got in relationships with certain guys, that having to struggle growing up, being less fortunate, gives you an intense desire for money, and a different drive. Dee was actually one of those kids growing up, so for him to make it out, he knew he never wanted his kids to struggle, and he was definitely successful at that. But on the flip side of that, I believe it can create unhealthy characteristics in a person if it’s not properly managed.

Though we didn’t struggle in our home, my parents were still very cheap. So overall Dee definitely had his flaws, but his efforts to be a proper parent were definitely recognized, though it wasn’t enough to keep us on the proper path. I would say though, that he played a major part in the building of some of the positive characteristics that I developed.

 

Steven James, my daddy. This man was like Prince Charming to me. He was even more special to me because I was the youngest girl. I grew up simply adoring my daddy. He never lived in the same city as us. He was back and forth between Charlotte, North Carolina and Philadelphia, PA. Every summer until I was about 8, we spent it with him. I’m not sure if it was the entire summer, or just a few weeks, but this was the routine. I think he would also come pick us up other times as well. Time spent with him was literally stress free. The only stress I ever experienced was probably just that natural feeling of missing my mother and my brother. He was the sweetest person ever. Complete opposite from Dee. He NEVER yelled or got upset with us(his daughters), at least not that I  remember. He treated with so much kindness and the expression of his care for us was just amazing. I remember feeling so sorry for him because of how my mother and Dee treated him. I use to think how could you treat somebody so bad. I use to cry about it. I was too young to really be upset with my mother about, I just use to be extremely sad.I had to deal with those emotions privately. With no understanding of how to respond to them or cope with it. I can literally still remember the mental burden. I wanted so bad for her to just be nice to him for once. It had gotten to the point where when he would call the house to speak to us, it was so nerve recking and uncomfortable because my mother or Dee would be right there listening, looking mean and mad just because it was him. I remember sitting on the phone barely saying anything because they were right there. They use to make mean comments about him, saying he was pretty much a dead beat. I never could understand why they would say such demeaning things to us about him. Lawd my feelings use to be so hurt. They even made it uncomfortable for us to call him “daddy” around them. This was all before the age of 8 for sure. Eventually we stopped going with him during the summer, and the only times we would see him, was at family reunions. The older we got, he still acted the same way with us, except we talked on a more mature level. We talked about personal things more than I ever did with my mother and Dee. One night he and I sat up talking for hours, I think Kiasiah may have been there too. I was 14 years old at a family reunion in New Jersey. Everything I mentioned above about how I  felt growing up with him being treated that way, I expressed to him. I cried so bad that night but it was the first time I ever experienced anything like that. He finally told me what he did for my mother to resent him so much. It didn’t move me though, I still felt like she should never be held a grudge that long. That night I gained some peace and was able to release those emotions to the one I felt I needed to. I was happy he was willing and happy to have that conversation. My mama an Dee would have never!  As the years passed by I would still only see him about once a year. We would still talk throughout the year but he was always so far away. Oh and I forgot to mention that I would notice how tough he was with my older boy cousins. It was so shocking to see him interact with them, because he would be so different. He had that tough up north demeanor when he dealt with them. My older boy cousins were very protective of us just like my daddy. I looked up to them. I remember always wanting to be around them, just like my cousin Toya that I mentioned previously. They were all from north Philly. My dad two brothers and a sister. They adored us and we adored them. My grandmother, his mother, was a little different from her kids. We weren’t as close to her, but I enjoyed her when we were around her. I had a nice relationship with both of my uncles and my auntie. All of them spoiled us. They were so different from my family down south. Spending the summer in Philly really showed me life in a different light. I gained the feel of  what seemed like a different culture. Everything to me was different. I do remember my daddy slightly fussing at Kiasiah and me one time for walking to the corner store by ourselves. I think he was just scared mostly, you know how parents be when you scare em lol. We used to get chicken tenders and fries, covered with cheese almost every day from that store. I believe my daddy is who developed my expectation for how I felt I was supposed to be treated by men. Though he never actually taught me anything about this, I assume I just automatically picked up on it. I experienced what it looked like to be adored and treated with much respect and kindness, and naturally, that’s just how I expected to be treated. Though I experienced the violation from a guy, I still had that experience over and over, so when I finally got with a guy, I expected nothing less. I didn’t make this known, I just naturally thought that’s how it was supposed to go. But anyway, my daddy was my peace. Though we talked les and less as I became an adult, he still hold that place in my heart.

 

When I was 16, Neke, my oldest sister went off to college. This was the same year I started reading that little red Bible. This was a major change for me because I had lived with my sister my entire life, so for her to be leaving was heartbreaking for me. As I mentioned previously, Neke was one of my first role models. I enjoyed being around her. The older she got though the more she would be away from home, not kicking it with us, which made me sad. She was growing up. When she was going to Charlotte every summer when we were younger, that was also sad for me. I hated when she left, and was so happy when she would come back home. She use to stay with our uncle(our daddy’s uncle) while she was there. He was the coach. So when she fiy left for college, I wasn’t ok. It took a few weeks to get used to, but eventually I did. She would come home from college for holidays her first year, and we would go visit her often, which made the transition easier. I always held her to a high esteem and always thought she was a “good girl”, which was also why I wanted to be as perfect as possible. I thought that she was, so that’s what I wanted to be. But college really showed me other wise lol. Neke was wild. This could have been my reason for choosing to pursue the things I didn’t initially desire to. I saw that she did it, so maybe it made me more comfortable to try it out. I say this because I now understand the major influence people can have on one another, and with her being who she was to me, I can’t doubt that it influenced me. This isn’t to take the responsibility off of self, because I still made the conscious decision to do what I did, but I’m just again showing the power of influence.

 

 

PART 2:  College and Beyond

 

Boy oh boy! Here we go! Y’all hold on tight!

 

So right after high school, at the age of 18, I attended the University of South Carolina Aiken. I originally planned on going to USC Columbia. I had no intentions of attending  any other school, I only had the desire to attend North Carolina A&T, which was only a desire I had that I knew I wouldn’t pursue. As much as I wanted to attend this HBCU, it just never settled enough with me to actually attempt to go. It could have even been some fear involved. I literally had my mind set and was preparing to be at USC Columbia,  I just knew that was the school I  was going to attend for sure, but some how they ended up not  receiving my SAT scores, so I received a notice saying that my application was canceled.. Because I took the advice from school councilors encouraging us to apply to different schools, I had other options. I was accepted to all of the other schools I had applied to, so I just picked from one of the schools that was left. I could have just resubmitted my scores but I simply didn’t feel like doing the work to resubmit them. USC Aiken was the pick. I had no prior interest in this school at all, I just picked that one because my sister went to volleyball camp there once. Now that  I had locked in my decision, I was so ready, and also nervous.  I was mostly  ready to leave my house and my city. Even though I had some freedom at home, it was still limited, and I still had to sneak and do most things I wanted to do, so I was feigning for that freedom. I think I was more emotional when Neke left for college than when I did. I was a crying mess when she left, but I probably shed a quick lil tear when I was out the door. I was mostly sad that I was leaving my brother. At the time, we were having a lot of family issues, or we had just gone through a major one. He was getting in trouble at home a lot, not getting along with our parents that much, feeing stressed out having to deal with them, so I didn’t wanna leave him. I also felt bad about leaving my mother. Though we had our issues, I was still attached to her in a way. I always felt like she was better when I was around her for some reason. She tried to pursue me to go to the near by tech school, and I actually thought about doing it, but that thought didn’t last long lol. I had seen that same scenario before. Back when my daddy use to come pick us up for the summer or whatever, she would always ask me, “Are you sure you wanna go Tammy”, with the most pitiful looking face, like she wanted me to stay with her. And this particular time she put me on the spot right there as I was about to walk to my daddy’s car, with the question and that same pitiful face. I had to have only been about 6. I felt so bad for her and just chose to stay. I thought she really needed me, but didn’t anything change since I had stayed. It wasn’t long after he and my sisters had left that

I had regret that decision. She wasn’t gonna get me this time lol.

 

Prepping for college was a nice experience. My mother and I had went shopping for the things I  would need for my dorm, and of  course she was being cheap, but I could always convince her to do a little more than she wanted to. I enjoyed moments where I got to spend time with my mother without her having anything else to do,  except spend time with her kids. I think most kids value that intentional time spent with their mothers. By this point I had already found out that my kindergarten best friend Tomorrow was attending USC Aiken, so we chose to be roommates.. This was perfect to me. We were the only students from our High School attending that school, so for us to be roommates, really helped with the transition. We were going to be in a living quarter with 6 other girls, 4 bedrooms rooms, 2bathrooms, and a living room. We were able to see who our other roommates were before we got to school, so that was no surprise. I was glad about this because I needed to know who I was going to be living with. I was on Facebook typing those names in as quick as I could. I think we all were like that. We all added each other on Facebook before we got to school, with the exception of maybe two. They had all seemed likable through the internet, which gave me some  peace of mind. It was so weird planning to live with some girls I didn’t know. I had met and became friends with a lot of girls from different cities in sports, but this was different. And since I was so attached to my high school friends who were mostly my teammates, I  couldn’t imagine going to college meeting anybody who would compare or who I would get close with. I actually had no intentions on finding new friends. I honestly had no true life plan  going into college, I was just going with the flow.  Physical Therapy was my end goal,, but truly anything dealing with fitness or sports would have been fine because that was all I really knew as far as career seeking was concerned, remember I wanted to play basketball. So once I  accepted that I wasn’t going to attempt to play basketball, I was doing what I was taught to do.

 

I still remember the vibe of the day that  I left for college.. Dee and my mother drove me, the car was packed completely, I had my lil t mobile phone that barely had service, and I think a gram of weed stashed in my luggage. It was a two hour drive from Hartsville.. I had these long Senegalese twist in my hair that I did just for the occasion. When we arrived, and made it inside my building, I saw my God brother who had grown up in Columbia, so that was refreshing to see a familiar face. My room was on the second floor, room 253. I remember walking in and Amber was the first person I met. She was very tall and a lil thick and was sooooo sweet. She was a black girl and spoke with a proper accent. As soon as I walked in she was offering her help. I think tomorrow was already there, so she had already met everyone. I think I was the last one to arrive. I believe Olivia was the next person I met. She was black, but looked mixed with Indian, and talked with a proper accent as well. My first impression of her was boogie preppy  white girl. She was very skinny with long hair and had make up on. I didn’t meet the others  until I was almost completely moved in. La’Quincia was the next person I met. I remember I was in my room, still putting my stuff up when she came in my room to speak. My mother and Dee was still there by this point. There wasn’t  too much conversation, we just kinda  spoke shared a few words and that was it. She was a short skinny and dark skinned and was more country like me. When she left my messy mama, said to me “You saw how she was looking you up and down” lol, already tryna start something lol. I think I did notice how she looked but it didn’t really raise any alarms. Later I met Jasielle and she was sweet too, short thicker, and was a lighter  tone. There were two other girls who were our roommates but for some reason they completely distanced themselves from all of us, so it was really only 6 of us. Later that day, I believe the 6 of us went to get dinner together in the SAC, which was the name of our café. Amber went to school in Aiken her entire life, so she was well acquainted with most things, so she was like our tour guide.. If it was up to me, we would have missed dinner because I was ignorant of anything going on. I think we had about 5 days before classes started so we spent those days in orientation and the rest  pretty much getting to know one another.

 

I hit it off quick with La’ Quincia aka Quincy. Me and her clicked immediately. After my parents left, we just kinda gravitated to each other. It didn’t take long for all of us to just click. It took about two weeks to see that my perception of Olivia was off. She was in fact boogie but she was hella cool, and more “black” than I thought. She was the only one who had mingled with other students. We felt some type of way about that lol. We spent so much time together and only hanging out with each other that it was weird to be around other people or see each other mingle with others. I think o can honestly say that by the first day of classes, it was like we had known each other for years. Jasielle, aka Jazzy, and Quincy were best friends, so of course they were roommates. They went to high school together and had been best friends for a long time. Jazzy was more conservative, and Quincy was more hood like, like me. We all were like the “smart” black girls in our home town, but still slick hood in some way. I had developed a special individual bond with each of them. I was the comedian of the group, and also a big influencer.

 

I remember the first time we all smoked together, it was initiated by me. I think the first day we all met was when asked them if any of them smoked. We were getting well acquainted by this point. I believe everyone  except Jazzy said that they smoked black n milds, which I did too at the time, but I was talking about the Keisha lol. I think jazzy was the only non smoker.I think Quincy made it clear that she was not a weed smoker, Amber aka Amb Bam made it clear that she did. Olivia aka Liv did too, as well as Tomorrow. It was obvious that none of them was really up on the weed like I was. Though I wasn’t a habitual smoker yet, I smoked enough to know that they were not on it like me. From this day forward, we were all inseparable.

 

Quincy had pretty much became my best friend within a months time. We were soul neighbors, as we called it. I remember we would stay up till the sun came up just telling each other our life story and talking about some of everything. The living room was where the talking sessions went down. I never imagined that I would mesh with these group of girls so well. I never thought I would find another girl worthy to be my best friend. I really can’t explain the bond we had, it was like none I had n ever had before, not even with my sisters. I did notice certain flaws about her, because remember, I’m still watching and critiquing the actions and character of people automatically, but it was as if they didn’t even exist because we were just that tight. We were literally finishing each other sentences, knowing one another thoughts before we could even think lol.  I know it may sound weird but I just want to really show how close we were and give you an imagine of how relationship.. I remember when we would go home for holidays, we would literally be on the phone for hours, I mean just on the phone lol. She was well acquainted with my family, as I was hers. She had two older sisters just like I did so we had a mutual understanding of the value of sister hood, so I’m sure that had  a great impact on our relationship.  

 

As far as school work was concerned, I was very unmotivated. I went through the motions from the very beginning, doing what was needed to stay a float. I wasn’t striving for excellence as I usually would, I was just trying to have fun and enjoy my freedom, and make decent enough grades. My first year I did okay, but I learned quick that GPA and credits were vital in college. The first year we partied a lot, but eventually realized that it was t really our thing. Olivia was more into it than us. Drinking was something else that we started to do more often too. The more time went by, the more we all indulge in the drinking and smoking. I was still the main smoker, amber and I. We all eventually got hooked on the blacks.By the time we were  in our latter days of college, we were all pot heads  and alcoholics. Tomorrow and Olivia transferred to different schools after freshman year so I can’t really speak them. II always felt like I was the reason for all of them eventually becoming weed heads and alcoholics. As I mentioned previously, I believe I influenced them to really participate in these things over and over. Not to say that they wouldn’t have anyway, but because I know I was the head of I still feel responsible for it.

 

Before I move  on,  I have to mention that I had a boyfriend going into college, which was the guy that I lost my virginity to. Once I got to college, things between us started to really fold. The relationship was already not built on a solid foundation, and we really didn’t have enough history to make it last. Before leaving for college, I had reason to believe  that he was still in relation with his ex girlfriend so I became very uncomfortable in the relationship. I would question him about my suspicions and he would always act like I was wrong for suspecting anything. Remember, we lived 45 minutes away from one another and only spent time together every other weekend, so it was very possible. I was very loyal when it came to relationships so even though I really didn’t believe he was being truthful, I continue in the relationship anyway.I would get so upset with him because I hated being done wrong in any type of way by a guy. I had given my virginity away to this dude, so to be doing anything that was not leading up to marriage was sickening. Though I imagined being married to him, it never really settled right with me. I could never really see the vision like I could with  other things I meditated on. It had gotten to a point where we were arguing every single day. He had begun suspecting me of not being loyal because I was t as available as I used to be before college.. I assumed that he started accusing me of cheating because he knew when he was out doing wrong when he wasn’t t available. I spent most of my time arguing with him, about who knows what until we both just got tired of each other. I think we both were glad when it was over. By this point I was smoking and drinking at any point I experienced any type of stress, so I was fine with it, all I needed was couple rounds on a bleezy and I was straight. (So I thought)

 

At the very beginning of my college days, before we had broken up, there was this guy, who I would  run into going to the SAC, that would try to holla at me. I used to tell him I had a boyfriend and keep on moving. He was mid height and dark skinned, and he was an  upperclassman, and  if you know how things on a college campus  go, they like to scope out the  freshman girls, assuming that they are more vulnerable, so freshman girls yall stay clear. That would be my response for the next few months, but he never stopped. By the time Glenn and I had broken up, he was still pursuing, and then finally I just gave the man my number. I’ve always been the type to do things because I feel sorry for someone, or something just to not hurt someone’s feelings, whether I really wanted to do it or not. Though this wasn’t the exact situation, I still only have in because I was single now and he was persistent. Some how I already knew he was a big red flag, but this was one of those  situations that I felt like I could handle. NOTE:As you can see, the more time went by the deeper I was digging into the world of darkness By the second semester of my freshman year I was already on a higher level of corruption that I had ever been before. So not long after I gave him my number, he was buzzing the phone. I remember being very short with him because I knew I was not interested and did t intend to entertain him, most definitely since I was fresh out of a relationship. But after much continuous persistence, I started to do a lil more because he turned out to be real cool. He was different to me, like an attractive type of different. I still didn’t want to get into anything serious with him, so I stayed very reserved when I dealt with him. This wasn’t my first time entertaining a guy that I had no real plans of pursuing  in terms of long term relationships or marriage, but it was definitely the first time on this level.

 

His name was Ryan.  He wu’ed me , and made me make a decision I thought I never would. He was different to me. He had a different personality and I was intrigued by it. His overall philosophy of life was different, but I understood it and respected it, though it was coupled with other things that I wasn’t a fan of. I never verbally expressed this to him, but we had a way of communicating our mutual respect for each other. I eventually ended up having sex with Ryan one night after a party. I think we danced so much that night, that there was no way that lust wasn’t going to fulfill its mission. I’m sure we both were drunk that night. One minute we were in the party, next minute we were walking to  Amb Bam’s car. I think me and Amb bam we’re the only two that went out that night. This night sealed the deal for me, lust had won, and I had made decision to consciously continue to have sex with this man, with no strings attached, and no desire to any relationship past the sex with him. This included me being cool with him continuing his life however he chose, just but we could still have as much sex as we wanted. Understanding that this was completely out of  character for me, I told myself that it would only be for a certain amount of time, which was until he graduated. I think he had a entire  year to graduate, giving me

 about 2 years total to engage, and we did just that. For the next two years, he was the only guy I had sex with. Nobody knew of this plan I had but me. I didn’t even tell Quincy. I think I was ashamed of myself because it was so outside of my standards, so even though my roommates knew we were having sex, we never discussed it. I know it probably dod t make sense to them as to why I was dealing with him, but they just had no idea that it was the sex that officially trapped me. He was the first guy to ever cook for me. I’m sure it was just something he did with females often, but  either way it was my first time, so it was special. Eventually, I started catching feelings for him, but I literally forced myself to be still, because I knew he just wasn’t that type of guy so I had to protect myself. We finally started expressing ourselves to each other, making it known that we really fucked with each other like dat, but without saying anything, we both knew we weren’t ready for the seriousness of a relationship. Occasionally we would talk about us having kids, I guess to express to each other that we were willing to share a child. Though o may have felt a certain way about him, I knew I only had a time frame to fuck off with him. Finally when the two years was over, it went exactly how I had imagined it. We were forced to part ways. Our last day together was more sad than I expected. I really liked him by the end of it all. I had caught feelings that was not a part of the plan. I cried when he left, but that did t last too long. As long as I had weed and alcohol, I felt like I could conquer anything.

 

Eventually, we had finally stated socializing with other people more. Freshman year, we met a few other girls that pretty much joined the squad.

 

At the beginning of my second semester, I had started my first job. I had never worked a “real” job before, I was an entrepreneur pretty much at the age of 16. I braided hair and hosted parties to make money. When it came to braiding hair I scheduled the appointments and set my own rates. I did hair out of our house. As far as hosting parties, it was more of a collaborative type thing, so the profit was split between all the hosts and the dj. So starting a job out of my comfort zone. I had never needed money before because I could just get money from my mother growing up, and the money I made from doing hair and parties was for me to do whatever I wanted to do with it. I didn’t have any bills or any obligations that required me to need money, but now that I was in college it was a completely different situation. I could no longer depend on my parents for money anymore. And to be honest, I really just never worried about money like that because I literally had everything I needed. All praises to God for that. College was the beginning of my experiences with  financial struggle.

 

Jazzy was the one I always give credit to when it comes to me getting my first job. I was so nervous about getting a job and worried about whether I would actually get hired for  the  jo since I had to prior experience, and she always encouraged me to apply to jobs anyway. She was familiar with the work wave because she had worked a job in high school.. She actually found the job opening, and figured it would be a perfect fit for me. The position was a Front Desk Attended in the USC Aiken Wellness Center. I finally applied and to my surprise, I was hired. I think my sports background helped me out a lot. I was the second black person added to the work crew, and surly I felt out of place. Eventually I got used to the environment and ended up working there my entire college stay. About 3 years late, I started a second job working for an after-school program. So for the next two years, until I left college, I worked two jobs while in school, and was still struggling lol.

 

College life style

 

My life in college from 2011-2015, consisted of little studying, missed classes, eating, sleeping,  drinking, hang overs, smoking, “girl talks”, sex, partying, road trips and just overall constant time spent with the college girls. I stopped going home for every holiday by the time I was a sophomore, so Aiken was really like my new home, and it felt like home.. I think I only spent one summer in Hartsville the entire time. I was in summer school the rest of the summers, so home wasn’t really an option, and actually I didn’t even want to go home.. I had met the other crew “ members”outside of my roommates, later during freshman year,  Keyana, Antoinette, Kalaiya, Diamond, Kelsey and Niasia. Ty’Asia, was the baby, she didn’t come until the summer going into junior year, and she was the final member.  Of course my roommates and I had other homies that we had met and were cool with, but the squad was like the family. I never hung out with anyone outside of the girls. It was so many of us, that we had kick backs with just us. Having a “crew” wasn’t new to me, I had spent most of my life with a group of girls who were like sisters. However, for the first time, I had experienced and witnessed envy and drama within my squad. I remember in high school not understanding how friends ever fell out or had any problems with each other, because I had NEVER experienced this amongst my closest friends, other than what happened in elementary school with Quathonia, which I don’t really count based on the specifics of what I’m speaking about. And it’s weird that I even thought this way since my siblings and I fussed and fought, but again this is different to me. It was like my siblings and I were locked in for life, like I was willing to die for them at any moment, so a lil fussing and fighting was nothing. Y’all know how that sibling connection go. But anyway, because I started to see these things amongst a few of the college girls, it activated that character of a peace maker in me. I ways felt like I was on duty when all of us got together, understanding that their were low key animosity amongst my friends, so it was up to me to make sure everybody felt comfortable and at peace. This wasn’t something I ever talked about me doing or talked about me needing to do, I just did it because I never wanted to offend or make any of my friends feel uncomfortable or offended in any way. So this behavior and attempt to keep peace came natural for me. Though I don’t  feel like I was the major influence for the lifestyle of the new members, I felt that way about the 253 girls, so I felt responsible for them, and now everybody. No one knew I felt this way, but I did. So when it came to our relationship and the reckless lives we were living as far as smoking and drinking I felt like I had to protect them, so within myself, I was always on duty, like I was the big sister or something.

 

There were guys who became a part of the crew that I can’t cease to mention. Raheen, Kenny, Dee, Trey, Deucey, and Marco were like brothers to us. Raheen was the first. His and our relationship  was pretty solid, I felt like at times that I was responsible for him too. Some days he was like the big brother, but most days he was like the little brother. Many nights  we got drunk and high together and laughed ourselves sick lol. He was a funny guy, real silly, but sometimes Linnen just ain wanted to be bothered, and I learned to adjust to that about him. I was ready to fight for him if need be too,  just like I was for all of the college girls. He was the person that put me onto smoking cigarettes. I had stopped smoking black and milds my sophomore year because they had began making my chest hurt. I literally stopped them cold turkey because the pain was just that intense, and I really didn’t even like them, I just liked the buzz I got from them. I was smoking blacks but looked at cigarettes as if they were worse or as if I was too good to smoke them, when in all actuality, the blacks were worse. Silly me. So one day me and Linnen, that’s what I called Raheen, were standing outside having a lil heart to heart at my dorm room. I remember it was raining real hard and it was night. I was something like a junior at this point but still in sophomore status because I had dropped so many classes, college students yall know what I mean lol. I believe I was stressing about something that wasn’t too major but my homie was kicking it with me, just  tryna show he cared, but usually he wasn’t the “emotional” type. Next thing I know he whipped out his pack of Newports, lit it, hit it a few times and passed it to me. I remember tellin him “hell naw Linnen” lol, and he kept at it and eventually I said Ite man just with you, and you better not tell nobody lol. We laughed and passed the cig back and forth. From that day forward for the next few weeks, I would only hit the cig with him, until eventually they had me hooked.

 

 I met Trey, Kenny, and Dee after Raheen which was during my sophomore year. They gave me the name nick name “Trill”. I guess they came up with this name because I was a fan of Boosie and Webbie, and I was more on the hood side when it came to my demeanor, mostly when it came to dealing with guys. I talked real hard, cussed a lot, and was just extra when I was drinking, which was most of the time, so they experienced me at a point in my life where I was as ratchet as o had ever been lol. So this became the name I went by usually if I didn’t wanna give out my first name for whatever reason. They were the main ones that called me that, a lot of others would just call me Tam.

 

I met Drew aka Deucey  later, and he and I became really close. This was around the same time I met Ty’Asia aka TyTy.  I remember the first day he arrived on campus. It was his birthday, and he was ready to turn up. People from the country have a way of connecting with each other, it’s like we just gravitate to one another, and that’s where most of the crew members were from. We were all from different country areas in different cities in South Carolina. We usually have a hospitality that is unmatched, most definitely when drugs and alcohol is involved, it’s easy to connect that way, whether from the country or not. But Deucey was funny too man, we both had the same type of sense of humor. It was easy for me to connect with guys on a homie type level because of my personality. Me and my brother were really close, and most of my cousins growing up were boys, so I was kinda like one of the homies. And again, not only was I just that way, I naturally friend zoned guys because as I mentioned I grew up not wanted them to like me. But our relationship was built through just raw conversations about our life. We would share some of our most personal stories with each other and really gain a level of respect for one another. He had a story that completely touched my heart, and to me it was a powerful testimony of God’s grace. We both had a level of respect for God, and that added more value to our relationship. Deucey was a rapper, and I was fan. Not just because he was my homie, but he rapped from a place of real life experiences. He was one of those homemade studio type of artist. I remember one morning I was in his dorm, he had cooked breakfast for a wake and bake, and he had his lil studio set up in the  living room. I remember the vibe being real mellow, we were just chillin and he got o the mic and started to freestyle. The sound and lyrics were so raw and personal to his pain and sufferings that I cried uncontrollably listening to it. I think that was the first time I ever cried to anybody rapping anything.

 

I met the 3rd guy that I had sex with through Deucey, it was his homeboy he he grew up with. One weekend Deucey invited his homeboys from his hometown to turn up with us. It was only me Amb Bam, Niasia, and  Keyana, there on campus at the time. I think, Dime and Kelsey may have been there too but I’m not sure. He was a real hood like, short dark skinned guy. By this point Ryan was long gone, so I wasn’t having sex with anyone or in any type of relationship or conversation with anyone. Note: By this time in life, this particular summer, I was realizing just  how much I had changed, and how  deep I  had fallen into sin and completely living a lifestyle I always said I would never be in, and I was often troubled by this. At point I was reading my Bible on the regular, but at this point, I just kept it under my pillow, never even opening it. I think I had tried going to church to try and knock the feeling but it only sufficed in the moment. I was so lost, just “ enjoying” life by way of smoking, drinking, kicking it with the squad and taking trips. By this point I was an alcoholic, pot head, and a cigarette smoker. I mean I was buying packs of Newports if I could afford it, and if not, I would just get 2/$1 from a lil tobacco store.  Just raggedy lol.

 

But this guys name was Skrap. We all drank and smoked that night and just had a drunken fun time. He didn’t smoke weed but he drank and smoked cigarettes. We clicked because we both were just real hood like but still real laid back at the same time. I wasn’t the type to show interest in a guy first or chase a guy but I became less timid living this lifestyle  in terms of getting a guy when I wanted him. If I made up in my that I wanted to do something or wanted somebody, I was going to make sure I got it. I was always too  shy to really act on this characteristic I had, concerning things like this,  in this manner, but when it came to fighting or anything like that, I wasn’t shy at all. If I said I was going to do it I did it. That’s just how I was. I remember saying I wanted Skrap. I liked him cuz he was hood sweet lol, and handsome, I and made it known to him that I did. I didn’t have to do too much because I think we both just made it known to each that we were feeling each other like that. We eventually started talking on a more serious level. He was t my boyfriend but that was luh boo and I was his girl. I think we built our relationship over the next month or so, and then he started to come visit. I think we had sex very next visit. That lasted a few months and for some reason we just stopped all contact. It wasn’t on bad terms or anything, we had never even had an argument. I assumed he had another relationship back home and he just did t wanna tell me  since we were getting as serious as we were, he just couldn’t continue on. He had said something to me in terms of not wanting to hurt me so I completely left it alone and continued on with life. I never found out the truth, so I just went with what I assumed, and just chose to respect whatever he had going on, no matter what it was. The action was real enough for me to respect. So that was the end of Trill and Skrap.

 

College life continued to consist of the same things. I had finally made it to my last summer of living on campus. I had gone through so many changes in my life that I had no real understanding of myself nor of my future goals. I had never even gave myself the chance to try develop or truly know myself. I still understood that I wanted to get married, have children,  have a job making lots of money, and be finally be done with the drinking and smoking. I actually had a lingering dream of  owning multiple beauty salons all over the world. I didn’t entertain this dream as much because I started to dislike braiding. I was aware that I had a time limit of  living this  lifestyle,  but I was so deep into it that I couldn’t  say when it would end. I had been in college now for almost 3 1/2 years and I still had about two years left before I could graduate. At this point I was so over school. I was uninterested and unmotivated. I was always stressed out about my grades even though it was my lack of efforts that caused the problem, it still was a major stressor, which was even more reason for me to smoke and drink. It was the answer for everything. If I passed an exam or failed and exam, it was reason for me to turn up. I still struggled financially even though I had two jobs and braided hair on the side. At one job I made $7.25/hr and the other job I made $8.00/hr.  I didn’t manage my money properly because weed, liquor, and beer was always a bill that I didn’t have to have, along with food that I had to purchase myself, and clothes when needed.. Tia would let me use her food stamp card a lot but I didn’t manage that well either as far as how much I ate at a time. I wasn’t a cooker  either so everything I brought was mostly microwaveable or fast food. Often times we would buy food together and one of the college girls would cook different hot meals.  Mostly everybody could cook the soul food type stuff except for me, It  just wasn’t my thing. Since I smoked, I was always munching. I ate recklessly and didn’t work out as much as I ate at all. I would go on diets and take breaks from smoking occasionally but I was always back at  it in no time. I was living on auto pilot, going down a path that would only lead to permanent spiritual blindness and overall  spiritual  death. I was losing myself and  getting totally away from the morale that I had once held tight to. Though even in my younger years, I started to stray away from what I believed to be the proper way of living, the idea still encouraged me, but at this point I was almost completely disconnected, in fact I probably was completely disconnected.

 

This particular summer we had all agreed that it was time to leave campus and get an apartment for the remainder of our time in school. We figured that if we moved off campus, the money we would get back in refund would cover rent, and if it didn’t then we all worked, so we could cover it if need be. We  spent weeks searching for affordable apartments until we finally found the perfect spot. It was a newer complex called Grand Oaks. They were big and more on the luxury side, 2 beds, 2 baths, kitchen, laundry room, living room dining area and a sun room. Niasia ended up being my roommate. When it was time to figure out who was going to be rooming with who, I made the decision to room with Ni Ni to make sure everyone was satisfied. Of course me and Quincy would have been roommates but i understood that I had to do something else for the sake of my other friend Ni.

 

 

This was the summer of 2014. Before we moved off of campus, Niasia, myself and Amber all lived on campus in a suit together. This was the summer that would start the beginning of the transition of my life. Before this transition was introduced, I ended up having sex with the 4th guy. Now as I stated previously, by this point I was confident enough show interest in a man that I may have wanted. I was hardly interested in guys to that extent though. I wasn’t looking for a man to marry at this point or even to have relations with, I content with the freedom I had in doing whatever I chose to do. So Niasia had a homeboy that I was cool with who had a homeboy that I completely lusted over. He was the first guy that I had ever looked at and said I wanted to have sex with him. To me he wasn’t even that attractive but he dressed real nice and had like a pretty boy/hood boy type of swag. I knew he wasn’t someone I would potentially pursue but for some reason I just wanted to have sex with him. I remember telling Ni that I wanted to have sex with him. Now this just shows just how deep of a  world wind that I was in, I had never had any thoughts like this or even considered just having sex with a man that I had never even seen or spoken to before. So I went to  send this man a message like a straight how   and saw that he had sent message a while prior and I never responded. I think we had exchanged a few messages from their but I think major. I was very uninterested in him through our conversations and I didn’t even wanna have sex with him anymore. Then one day randomly after I had stopped responding to his messages, he popped up at our suit with Ni homeboy. I don’t even think I knew he was coming. If I did it was at the very last moment. I was even more uninterested when I was around him, he was really not my type. We drank that night and I let the man hit. It was horrible. I don’t know if that’s considered a one night stand and first night stand, whatever it was, it was something I said I would never do. This same summer, I think Ryan had came to visit once and even  Glenn. I hadn’t even talked to Glenn in forever so for him to hit me up was very random. I think he was just passing through and wanted to see if I would let him stop by. That was the last time I saw Glenn to this very day.

 Later that summer I was  contacted by an old guy from my hometown that had a crush on me since I was 13 years old, attempting to be my man, and as usual I rejected him. This was a regular thing that he did from the time I was 13. I always declined. I actually did kiss him once in high school but I never wanted to pursue him because I saw him be with so man girls that I wanted no parts in dealing with him on a serious note. He was actually the second guy I had ever kissed. I rejected him over and over again, bit he never stopped pursuing. Years would go by and he would still find a season to “shoot his shot”. He was the only guy I had ever disliked so much. Something about him just made me sick to my stomach, literally, and I have no idea why. This will lead me into the transition and change of course of my.

 

 

Part 2 The Transition- Quincy Valentino Dean

 

Within this same month, I met  a man by the name of  Quincy Valentino Dean, who would be the physical source for the change in direction of my life. Now before I continue, I have to say that I do not regret one thing within the course of events within the years of my transition. There are many things that I wish I would have done differently, or wished I could have avoided, but to look back and say that I regret anything, would to me, take away from my belief in the  scripture “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose”. I am a firm believer that no matter what happens in life, there is a possibility for it to produce a greater purpose, if that makes sense.

As you read past this point of the story,  please  attempt to use a lens that will allow you to gain understanding of the purpose of  my journey and how every situation could have been necessary for the course change, leading me to become who I was created to be. Hold on tight﫣

 

One night after a trip out of town with Amb Bam and Ni, we came back to Aiken to all the plugs being MIA. It was the summer so it was always hard to find supply. This particular night it was very late and we needed a pack, so one of our classmates connected us with one of their plugs. We reached out and he pulled up on campus to deliver. He pulled up beside us in a nice white car, that we later found out was a rental. He introduced himself as “ Q, with uh K”/Kew. He was very friendly like, and I initially thought he was decent looking. He reminded me of a football player in stature viewing him while he was in the car After making the swap he invited us to come sit in his car and listen to whatever music he was playing. I’m not sure if he said he would match a bleezy, but Amb and Ni was a lil iffy about it so we just kinda conversed with him just a little bit more. We were always real watchful when it came to dealing with people because we just didn’t trust people and we were always on the look out for the cops since we were always doing something illegal. So in this moment, I was observing him heavy, most definitely since this was our first encounter. His request was definitely weird, but it seemed harmless. He seemed to be a lil lit too so it kinda made sense. So I influenced them to get in the car. I had gotten use to taking risks, so I wasn’t always willing to do things against the norm, if I found it to make sense to me, or if I found interest in that thing. So he drove to the back of our suit building and we smoked and listened to music just as he had said. He ended up matching a blunt with us and we wait out there for the next hour with him. We had called Keyana down stairs and she ended up knowing him from going to the restaurant that he worked at. He given her the name “cute and cuddly”. His conversation was so different that I was intrigued even more. I didn’t show that I was intrigued but I was definitely paying attention. We finally ended the night, and parted ways. From that day forward, we kept contact with him because he became our plug. I think we hit him y the very next day. Ni was the mediator at first because she was the only one who had his number. Instead of just bringing us out packages, he started staying to kick it, matching blunts. Of course that was cool with us because he was cheap and he was matching constantly. He wasn’t even a smoker like that. Moving forward, q wit uh k became an addition to the squad, which was just me Amb and Ni at the time.  Keyana lived in a different suit and she worked most of the day, so she wasn’t around us much at all while he was around. He was like the big brother/mentor to is, at least that’s how I viewed him.. We were like 21 at the time, and he was 29. I quickly learned that he was very intelligent and a big flirt. To me his over flirtatious ways with us didn’t match  the uniqueness and intelligence that he displayed. It was weird because even though he acted  this way, he still treated us like little sisters. We eventually learned to deal with him so that behavior didn’t even effect us. It would be random times that he would just say slick things or make slick jesters but we came to the conclusion that he was just like that with all women, period. I remember watching him and listening closely to everything he had to say. The things he said would be so different and new to me, that I started to have questions. For some reason though I never felt comfortable enough to ask him anything, I just wanted to listen. The first unique and different thing I ever  he ever heard him say was when we asked him where he was from, and he said “Heaven”. This was the first time I had ever heard anyone say that. I believe this was the very first night. Another think was when he was say “Don’t thank me, thank God”. I was these two statements that just had my poor lil brain working hard. I never questioned these two things, I just pondered on them to myself, trying to figure out why he made these statements. I never once thought that he was crazy, I just wanted to know more about him. He was very caring, and he never ceased to show that over the next few weeks. I remember thinking to myself based off of hearing and watching him, outside of the flirting, thinking that he reminded me of the 12 disciples. I can’t remember what it was the sparked that thought, but I remember the very moment that I had that thought.

 

Q wit uh K made me feel safe. He had vibe that was attractive. Like attractive in a way that made you want to be around him. We were a bit much for him though. Of course we didn’t t know at the time, until he randomly cut us off one time. I have no idea why, but whatever it was he said that we did something to disrespect him. The way we interacted with him was much like how much we interacted with all our  guy homies. Note: I say “We”  a lot because it was literally always me and a college girl in  just about every moment throughout college, unless I was  at work, with a man, in class, or back at home. So due to something we did to him that we were completely unaware of, he chose to disconnect himself from us. This was another thing that threw me off about him because it was something we had never expected from him. All three of us pretty much aggravated him about pulling back up, because we felt bad that we had done something to him that would cause him to run away. They use to say he was acting like a lil bitch, but I really felt like that man was hurt about something that we did to him unaware. I know I used  to talk shit  to him, like I did with all my our other homeboys, but it was never anything intentional to offend him. So after pretty much begging this man, he popped back up.

 

Another thing I  appreciated  about him was his knowledge given through advice. We would get high and have deep life conversations, and most of his conversation consisted of questions. He would always ask us questions to deliver his messages or make his points. I didn’t talk much in these conversations because I really didn’t have the proper responses. I would take everything in and analyze it in my brain. Most things he said made sense to me, but completely understanding everything was not the case. I wanted to understand though, he had my attention. The first time I tried mommy was with him. The second time was with him also. This night was the only other high I ever experienced outside of weed. It completely different. I don’t think I went to sleep until like 2:00pm the next day. This night was when he shared some knowledge with us that scared me. He later told us that the sharing of that info was an accident and was only exposed because we were on the Molly. Whatever it was I told even remember now, but it made tell him that I didn’t even wanna hear anymore. He said it in a parable type of way, but some how I caught the message and was terrified. I do know it had a lot to do with  me facing myself in the space that I was in in life at the moment, living the way I was living, with understanding that it wasn’t proper, or a way I planned on living forever. I was had never experienced such conviction in my life to date. I don’t think he meant for us to catch on, but I did. From that moment forward I looked passed all the flirting and anything else contrary to righteousness. I day I compared him to the 12 disciples, I recognized a form of godliness within him that I never witnessed before, even amongst the lifestyle he was living, and this day pretty much locked in this  view I   had  of him, which exceeded the esteem of anybody I knew. He had my respect. I looked up to him. I still treated him as I usually would but I now had a greater level of reverence, and remember trying to show that in my interaction with him but my ratchetness didn’t make that so easy.

 

Eventually, the overly flirting had died down, and now we were all just kicking it, building our relationship. He made sure he had a separate relationship with each of us, for whatever reason, being that it was always the three of us together, and him. He once stressed to us how important it was to not get a boyfriend. He explained briefly as to why he would advise that, but not completely. Whatever the reason was, it made sense to me. However, on the flip side of that, we were talking once and he made a point showing why its selfish and prideful to turn down any man  who tries to  pursue you, and same thing with women pursuing men. And again the point made sense to me. It was this very statement, that led me into a place that he would eventually have to save me from. Now before I get into this, I have to say that this was the first time in my adult life, that I felt motivated again. I felt like life had meaning again. He had waken up something in me that seemed to have died. Though I was still living recklessly, I was thinking again.

 

There was a time during this summer that Kew would call/txt me personally, and have lil sessions with me. We would sit in the car and he would have me read a certain document from famous philosophers. Maybe it was just one philosopher, but it was a lot of information. I don’t remember him ever telling me why he wanted me to read it nor did I ask him why, I just read it. I made the assumption that he was trying to teach me something, as I always thought, so when I read I tried to figure out what I could learn from what I was reading. It seemed like he may have been trying to show me something about myself that I was blind to. Everything about him at the time, caused me to gain a level of trust in him that I had never really had for anyone. I never thought anything he did was wrong, I just always tried to make since out of anything that was foreign or out of the norm of my reality, and I was always able to. So I got in the habit of not asking him many questions about things that I actually questioned, but instead I  attempted to just make things make sense with my own understanding and intellect. He showed himself to be a truly honest person, and that to me was “perfect”. He use to always say “IMMA REAL NIGGA”, and stressed that continually, and eventually I believed him. He had never shown me any reason to doubt his

claim. The extra flirty was weird to me, but some how I made sense out of that too. And I never wanted to completely let my guard down dealing with him, so that was another reason I stayed quiet during serious talks and one on ones that we would have. And I didn’t want him to try me in a sexual type of way either, so I tried to stay reserved when it was just him and I. This day that he pulled up for me to read those passages, it was real late at night and I was actually staying with TyTY that night before it was time for us to move into the apartment, and the only clothes that I had was some real small shorts and a small shirt, so when I walked to his car I got in the back seat because I didn’t want him looking at me while we were alone lol. He picked at more for doing that later down the road. That was a very important night to me, because that was the first time I felt like he really was expressing his care for me on a whole other level.

 

Shortly after this conversation about not turning guys down. Q wit uh K had cut him self off from us again. I have no idea what the reason was, but apparently it was due to pretty much the same reason he had left before. This was all in the midst of this guy I disliked still constantly shooting his shot. When I rejected him it was never in a completely rude or mean way, I would still communicate back with him, but I just made it clear that I wasn’t interested, so he was still lingering. Due to the advise given by Q wit uh K, I reluctantly slowly forced myself to give this man a shot. I literally had to train myself I like him. Based on what I understood from what Kew said, I was doing the right thing. I had no intentions on being in a relationship anytime soon. Actually I had actually imagined myself being with W wit uh K. It was just a though that I never continued to ponder on because there was no way I would choose to be with him after all the flirting he did with my homegirls. It wasn’t even a option. So even though I gave the guy a chance, I still went against the advice that he gave about the boyfriends which was a complete contradiction, so I should have known something wasn’t right. If I was going to believe in his advise so much I should have made sure I understood completely before I go applying it to my life.

 

Long story short, about 4 months later, Jason was my boyfriend. I hadn’t had a boyfriend in almost 4 years and now I had  whole boyfriend. The word boyfriend was weird to me, which it always was because it was forbidden in my house, so to even saying  the word was uncomfortable. By this point I had already moved into the new apartment. It was almost perfect, with exception of our petty neighbors who were always making noise complaints on us. In 4 months I had become a version of myself that I had never seen before. I had become so vulnerable that it was ridiculous. I had never been this way in life period. I always had my guard up because I always felt the need to protect myself. I had allowed this man to tear through every piece of guard I had up, all for the intension of doing the right thing. I was sinning and still thinking I was doing the right thing.Now how crazy is that. He was the 5th  guy I had sex with. I was so caught up with him that it was ridiculous. I remember looking at myself and feeling that the girls I watched growing up that I felt set apart from. Being with him was so out of my way. He lived in Hartsville at the time, so he would have to  drive 2 hours  to Aiken to see me. He came pretty often. He had a daughter that I built a relationship with and cared about. Probably a month after we had made it official, is when the truth about him was exposed. He was still the Jason I had know long ago. It turned out that he had a baby on the way by his daughters mother, but he was denying that the child was his. My aunti Tia is the one that informed me of this, and revealed it to me that he was still having relations with this woman. I was too hurt. I confronted him and of course he denied it and denied the baby being his. This was in November and the baby was due in January. He promised and swore that the baby wasn’t his. I’m sure I cussed him out, but chose to believe him, and just wait for the baby to be born, as if that was a proper thing to do. From this point on, I had this thing bothering me all the time. I had forgiven him for not telling me about the situation but now I was always wondering about if he was hiding something. I was so emotionally attached that I just continued on in the relationship. We argued occasionally but not too much. I was also still smoking and drinking, so still had my “medicine” when I needed it. By this point things had slowed down a lot. The comfort of our apartment was peaceful. Quincy and Amb Bam lived in the same complex but in a different building, some of us were still in close range.

 

Q wit uh k still was away, so he had no idea that I now had a boy friend. When he finally returned, for whatever reason, and found out the news, he was flabbergasted. He couldn’t believe I had a damn boyfriend lol, and shit I couldn’t believe it either to be honest. I especially couldn’t believe it was Jason.

Now was the time that Kew would begin to attempt to pursue me. It started out more with him trying to hang out with me. By this point he had met all of the college girls. He had actually pursued a few of them before he got to me. This time it wasn’t the flirty shit that he use to do/say, this was a complete different action. I had still had a lil crush on Kew, but it was just a lil mild case at this point. I still had a high level of respect for him and I still looked up to him, but I was trapped emotionally.

 

January finally came and that baby came out looking just like Jason, and he was still denying it. For whatever reason I continued in this relationship. Things only got worse between us, we argued more and it seemed like I was more worried about what else he could be lying about. I knew it was coming to an end. I didn’t know how it was gonna happen but it was getting to that point. We were still going through the motions with everything as far as things we did to keep the relationship together. I think around this same time Kew had finally met Jason. He had came to visit once while Kew was there and it wasn’t long before he told me he pretty much didn’t approve of him. Before he ever met him, he asked me one day “do you love him” or “do you think you love him”. This was one of those questions that had a totally different concept, coming from him. For him to ask me that, I automatically knew that it was greater reason as to why he asked me that. I think my response was “ yes I think so”. The question immediately made me think about my answer because I honestly I felt like my answer just didn’t make sense. It was like something was missing, most definitely because I’m wondering why he could be asking me that, understanding he got some type of information about love or me that I love him, that I was ignorant of. His next question was I think was who said it first, and told I him that he did, and finally he said something like “well did you tell him that you love him just because he said it to you first”. I think I may have said no just to kinda stand up for the relationship with Jason because I was still sticking beside those dude.. That quick conversation ended, but it held so much weight to me because now I’m tryna make sense of it. I started thinking about love and realizing that I really didn’t even understand love. I started to remember how I questioned it when I was in high school, thinking, how can you love a person and do them a certain way. My understanding of love was much like that of others, but it always seemed much greater to me than the way people handled it. I didn’t grow up saying “I love you” as much as probably the  average person. We weren’t that type of family. I probably told my family “I love you” more while I was in college than I ever did in my entire life. I had only told the 3 three guys I was actually in a relationship with that I loved them. I had probably told  Jason more than all of them.

 

Jason was the first guy to formally be introduced to my family. Everybody had already knew him though because he was a known around the city, and I think my parents went to school with his parents. He played sports and if you were a high school athlete in our city, you were pretty well known. It was weird for me to be telling them that I was in a relationship with him because both my sisters knew how much I disliked him in high school and everybody knew I didn’t usually entertain guys from my city. After Jordan, which was my official first boyfriend when I was 12 or 13, I had no real interest in any other guy from Hartsville. Most definitely nobody in my age range. My mother liked him, but Dee and lil D made it clear that they didn’t. Dee told me straight up that he pretty much didn’t approve of him. This was one of those times that I didn’t try and debunk the opinion of Dee. Even though I didn’t always agree with him, I respected this coming from him. His opinion of a guy I was with was very important to me, and the fact that he didn’t approve of Jason was even more eye opening. I cared more about what Dee thought than anybody. Next I cared about what my brother thought more than what my mother or my sisters thought. I don’t think my sisters really liked the fact that I was with him either, but they didn’t say it. He had gotten well acquainted with my mother, so they were cool. She became the lil “peace maker” between us. He would tell her when we were having problems and she would call me to do what mothers do. I would call her too, just because she was my mother and I was comfortable enough to discuss things with her at this point to a certain extent.

 

During this time, I was still in school and working both jobs. I was still drinking and smoking but not near as much as I was during the days I lived on campus. My tolerance at this point wasn’t even as high as it was before. Where I could smoke all day back then, I could no longer do that now. It had gotten to the point where I could no longer function through out the day without sleeping the day away if I smoked. I was working more hours because I had less classes, so my time was more consumed with work. And being that we all (the college girls) were split up as far as living arrangements and we weren’t in close range, my life became more separate now, even more since I had a boyfriend. I was enjoying the apartment life and the space and comfort of a more homey environment. I didn’t have a car in college until I moved off of campus into my apartment. I didn’t struggle in this area as much though because the college girls who did drive shared there car with me with no problem. There was usually always a car available for me to use, and if there wasn’t, they always made sure we arranged things so that I could get anywhere I needed to go. So shout out to them for that. I was extremely appreciative of it, and I’m sure I never went without showing and expressing that. I communicated less with Kiasiah when I went to college, and talked more to Neke. She and I had more in common at this point in life than me and Kiasiah. Kiasiah went to school to play basketball, and me and Neke went pretty much for a fun time. We both pretty much lived the same college lifestyle. We both were wylin’. Lil D ended up going into the Air Force straight out of high school. I attended his graduation from basic training, experiencing my first airplane ride. I was nervous about him going into the Military but I was glad he was doing something productive. I always imagined him going to college to play football, but he was more of a get money type of guy. He had always found a way to make money growing up, from cutting grass, to selling random items. He always was looking for a way to make money. Shortly into the Air Force tech school, he ended up leaving the air force completely for some reason, and enrolled into college.

 

I think it was 2014 when my brother enrolled to Benedict College. His life changed forever during his short attendance here. He was excited to go to college, but it turned out to be the source of his biggest crisis. One day while I was at Quincy and Ambers apartment, probably drinking a lil bit and smoking, I received a phone call from my mother telling me that something was wrong with my brother. I remember having my whole world seemed like it stopped. If I was high or drunk before, I wasn’t now. She told me that he was found walking down the road in the rain without a shirt. Now if ANYBODY knows lil Dee, they know that something had to be wrong if he was doing anything like this. She also said that who ever had saw him stopped and said he was acting real strange like he was out of it. I can’t remember how he had finally made it home after that, but when he did, is when my mother had called me. He was still acting completely out of character. I remember talking to him on the phone and hearing the mental disconnect. It was like he was in and out of reality. My heart was broken. It was said that he may have smoked some weed that was laced, but nobody really found the truth. He was perfect fine before he had left home that day, but after smoking with a couple family members and a guys he played football with, is when this issue supposedly happened. I think the next day, he was evaluated at the hospital and they placed him in a mental institute for 5 days. When he finally came home, I went home to see him or either they brought him to Aiken to see him. He was somewhat himself but not totally. They had him on medications that he eventually refused to take. This  incident had changed me life too. I now had another thing stressing me. I always felt that he would recover from that. This pushed me to seek God again in a way that I hadn’t in a very long time. Q wit uh K was a factor in my desire to get to a proper order in life with God, but this situation caused me to really feel like I needed God to do something for me, and no drug or drink could replace or numb that need.

 

Eventually, my  brother had recovered and was back to himself. Before this all took place he had a baby on the way, so that was something I was excited about. Unfortunately, this issue returned and it turned out to be a constant problem. Since then, he has been in and out of jail, more in than out. It took me years to cope with this, and to not be stressed out about him. I still can’t believe this was something he had to experience but I truly believe he will recover from this and be healed. I’ve always felt that way actually. So we shall see

 

So here we are in 2015, I’m in this relationship, working, schooling, turning up with the girls, and doing hair on the side. Kew’s pursuit was still in play. Everything I had wondered about him in the past, as far as him being so different and showing a type of God like character, was being shared with me. I was attracted to this character, his intelligence, and his expressions of care to me Ni and Amb. He would literally say ALL the right things to me that would make me marry him on the spot. To me, he was everything I prayed for years, as far as what type of husband I wanted. I literally use to pray for years the same prayer. “God please give me a husband with Godly Knowledge Wisdom and Understanding, so that he can teach me and guide me in the way of righteousness, so that I may also have knowledge wisdom and understanding” lol sumn like that. I was so stuck on the importance of knowledge wisdom and understanding from reading proverbs in that little red Bible, which only had he New Testament, Psalms and Proverbs included. That was the most important book to me that I had read in the Bible. If I didn’t remember anything from it, I knew that knowledge wisdom and understanding was super important. KEW(Knowledge Equals Wisdom). So by this point I was like now this gotta be God, sending me exactly what I asked Him for. How could I not give in. He wasn’t saying anything to me that would just tickle the flesh, everything was like deep spiritual type shit that would edify me and encouraging me to be the best version of myself. Everything I desired for myself as far as who I wanted to become, he was on it. Not only was he addressing these things, it was in a way to say “let me be the one to get you there”, “let me watch you become flawless” “let me help you”. He expressed his belief in me to be greater and praised me even in the midst of my mess, acknowledging my potential. He would literally go on and on about why he was what I needed pretty much. I would listen and say little because, first I had a boyfriend and secondly I was speechless. I remember calling my best friend Jazz telling her how he was the ideal man that I had prayed for, and how I was goin marry him. Chyyyy臘‍♀️lol. I remember telling her that I didn’t know what to do about Jason and that I was just stuck. I had even called my mama and told her about him. I was 21, and he was 29 so I told her that it was a lil age gap but that I was probably going to choose him over Jason, and she was like well Tammy just go with ya heart girl lol.

 

So I was pretty much giving him the run around, I was showing him that I was feeling him fr, and that I really was with the shits, but I wasn’t making no moves towards committing. At one point he told me “you not in competition with nobody” as to say what’s up, this is your opportunity to have me to yourself, ain’t nobody in the way. I didn’t really move on it because again I was still emotionally stuck on Jason. Note: Me and KEW was a secret. Nobody but Ni knew that we were creeping on the low. She really didn’t KNOW KNOW lol, because I never actually told her but since we lived together, she new something. And that was my dawg so I really didn’t have to say anything for us to understand something without saying anything. I wasn’t the cheating type of girl so for me to even be all out with it, understanding that everybody knew about Jason, and they knew I wasn’t a cheating type, was just not me. And also, it was Q wit uh K, the homie, I wasn’t supposed to be dealing with him like that

 

One night during this time, Q wit uh K pulled up at the apartment. He was still coming around on the regular, kickin it with the college girls(mostly me ni and Amb), and we pretty much were moving like we ain have nothing going on. So this particular night he pulled up, when it was just me at the apartment. I think Ni was at work. I think he knew I was there alone, he was slick like that lol, frfr though. And ironically, I was in the middle of a big issue with Jason. So most nights we use to sleep on the phone together, per his request. I had NEVER slept on the phone with uh nigga(excuse my jargon), but this man had my emotionally entangled. This particular night, He told me he was about to go to sleep because he had to work in the morning, which I was like cool, I’m tryna go smoke anyway, but I had noticed that the phone was muted on his end, because usually I could hear the dude breathing or snoring if he fell asleep. And I know that it was muted because the phone was still on but the sound was completely silent. NOTE: This man didn’t even know that I smoked the way I did. He didn’t even know I smoked cigarettes, lawd have mercy. He wasn’t a smoker or a drinker, and he didn’t know me to be one either, most definitely not like I was getting down, so I just kept that to myself. I wasn’t smoking near as much as I used to, so I figure he didn’t have to know every time I smoked. He thought I just smoked occasionally and he expressed how he was against it, but shiiiit I wasn’t about to stop completely yet. So anywho, when I noticed the man had the phone on mute, I hung the phone up and called him back. No answer. I did this over and over and eventually the phone started going to voicemail. So my assumption was that this man had done lied about going to sleep, thought I was t going know the phone was on mute, and then go do his lil dirt. I had already was suspicious about him cheating because a lil birdy had told me they heard he was still messing around with his baby mama. Ghetto shit lol. He was already on the last straws with me, and KEW was on his job to get him cut off, so I was on alert about everything he did. To me he was a lier and he just couldn’t be trusted. He had done lied to me too many times by this point so the resentment and bitterness towards him was heavy, but I was still emotionally stuck smh. I remember being so mad this night, I was trying my hardest to figure out what the hell was going on. So I called my sister Neke, and told her briefly what was going on. She didn’t live in Hartsville at the time, but she just so happened to be there at the time, which was very surprising because it was super late. I asked her to drive to his house and see if his car was there. I had already assumed that he was probably out dealing with another chick, so if that car wasn’t there, that was it, and sure enough, his car was gone. I know my blood pressure shot through the roof. I was pissed, I’m sure my sister remember how bad I was going off. So this was the same night KEW came over. I think he may have been there at the very end of my rage, or maybe even in the middle of it. He didn’t even entertain it, he got right to kickin it. I think he turned on movie on, and my stress level was down once we got chillin. This would be the night when we had sex for the first time. Sex partner number 6. Note: This would end my list of sex partners to date. I did not plan or expect to have sex with KEW this night. I was even surprised when he made his move. I tried my hardest not to give in to him, but he didn’t stop pursuing until I gave in. Even though I was going through that situation with Jason, I still was thinking that I didn’t want to cheat. That was my main reason for rejecting KEW in his attempt. I was actively having sex with Jason so I really didn’t feel right having sex with another person. I had never had sex with two people during the same times. Eventually I gave in.

 

I was so embarrassed to have had sex with him and I just felt so bad because I felt like I had officially cheated. Even though we were kinda talking on the low, I wasn’t doing enough to say that I was cheating. After this, I didn’t want to talk to him because I just felt so bad. He had really hurt my feelings by even putting me in that position to make the decision to have sex.. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to, but I still had this level of integrity, that I didn’t want to compromise, which was staying faithful to this boyfriend. I was never the type to do somebody wrong just because they did me wrong, so even though I assumed he was out possibly cheating, I wasn’t going to do it to him. I completely shut down from KEW. For the next couple of days he called and txt non stop. I remember him asking me what did he do wrong, and apologizing. I completely ignored him. I didn’t want to talk because he had hurt my feelings, but I didn’t want to tell him because I felt like he should have known. After about a week, I finally responded. I guess I just needed time to get over it, and remember who he was to me. I guess I forgave him.

 

From then on we had pretty much picked up where we left off, but now things were more serious. We ended having a session about our sex encounter and that whole ordeal I had, and the session was everything I needed. He did most of the talking but, I was restored, plus more. He knew just how to mend my lil heart. Moving forward, the sex continued and he was still encouraging me to give Jason the boot. I had forgiven Jason after that lil incident, even though of course he made up some lie about what happened that night. However l, our relationship was worst than it had ever been. I was actively cheating on him with KEW. KEW was literally the center of my life at this point. Finally it got to a point where he had given me an ultimatum, it was either him or Jason, and if I didn’t choose asap he was done. So before I even got the chance to make a decision, KEW had spent the night at my apartment, as he did often at this point. I was working overtime to make sure I didn’t get caught up by Jason. He was coming to visit almost every other weekend so I was stressed out. KEW was playing the game with me, understanding I was still tied up, so he wasn’t causing no problems, he was just waiting for me to make a decision. So this night KEW had stayed over, Jason was calling me over and over. I was having problems with my phone at the time, where it would just cut off and not come on for hours at a time, even if it was fully charged, so a lot of times when I was with KEW, I would make like my phone acting up so I could be with him in peace. This particular night, I just chose to not even entertain Jason at all, I just wanted to be around KEW. I was crazy about this man by now. Long story short, when I would answer or respond to any of his calls or txt messages from early that evening until the next morning, this man drives to Aiken. I woke up the next morning to all kinds of messages from him and the final ones, was him telling me that he was on his way. I was like ooooooooh shit!Literally about 10 min later after reading those messages, I hear loud banging at our front door. I knew it was him. I jumped up so quick and told KEW, then I went in Ni room and told her what was up.(By this time she knew me and KEW were creeping). I was soooo scared lol, I didn’t know what to do. KEW was so chill, like wasn’t nothing going on. I told Ni she had to open the door and handle it, and of course she did. I think I hid in her closet. Next thing I know, I hear him coming through the house looking for me, talking shit, while Ni doing looking out for me. Now y’all won’t believe this. Remember, KEW is here still. When Jason finally left out the apartment after not finding me, KEW walks out after him and tells this man the truth臘‍♀️. 勞勞. I could not believe this.

After this, Jason had finally left. I was heartbroken for Jason. I felt sooooo bad, I cried my lil eyes out. This was some reality TV type shit. KEW had to sit there and watch me cry about another man and Jason had to drive two hours just to find out I was cheating on him, from the actual man. CRAZY. I had later found out that this man was planning to propose to me real soon. He and I had actually talked about getting married and I thought we would, but deep down inside I knew that was not what I wanted to do. He also wanted to have a child with me so bad. I was not ready for any  kids, but because he was so adamant about it(y’all see the pattern with me and an adamant man?﫣臘‍♀️), I told him that we would try one time and if it didn’t work, then that was it. Lord help me, I was all messed up in the head lol. Shortly after this is when I had started having sex with K.E.W. So there ended up being a time period where I was having sex with both of these guys at the same time. I remember it had gotten so out of control that I literally had sex with both of them in the same day once.  I think Jason was scheduled to visit, but me and  K.E.W. were kickin it heavy, so this day I just couldn’t manage it properly. I was having more sex with K.E.W than I was the boyfriend. NOTE: Of course I understand that I was wrong all around because I wasn’t married to neither one, but I had been way outa order, and this was me  trying to get into order.  I’m not sure if it was before or after Jason was gone but one morning I woke up throwing up. I had never thrown up like this unless I was drunk or had a hangover, and neither was the case. K.E.W was there and he immediately said “you pregnant”. Long story short, I have no idea why I was throwing up that morning but I wasn’t pregnant. K.E.W thought it was possible that I had what they call a missed miss carriage, but I disagree, I think I was just  nauseous for some other reason, who knows.

 

So the choice was made, and I didn’t even have to make it in my own. Me and Kew moved forward and Jason was still tagging along. He still wanted to try and work it out. We were pretty much done but we were still in contact and still somewhat doing what we were doing when we were together. We were officially broken up, but he was still hanging on.  So now I’m all in with KEW, we still ain openly out with our relationship, but we in there. Im still turning up working and schooling. KEW was always addressing our health, and now he was putting more work in to get me in shape. I was eating better and working out. We use to play volleyball together and exercise at the park . It was well into summer now, I’ll say June.

 

In the year 2014, KEW had sent me, Ni, and Amb Bam the introduction to the book he wrote, which is an autobiography, Message of Love. This read was also a major factor to my gain of respect for him. It also was another thing that supported my prior observation of him  representing a form of Godliness that I had never seen before. He never gave us the book to read, he made as if he couldn’t let us read the rest, or as if we weren’t ready and worthy to ready the rest. I was always desirous when it came to ready it. I didn’t press the issue though. So Maybe late May of 2015, after Jason was gone, he gave me the text of the rest of the book. I think I finished the book in July.

 

I had learned all about his past which was enough to change your view on life completely. Nothing I read altered my view of him at this point, nor did I think it ever would. Reading the book, changed my life forever. The autobiography of his life is way to give the Message of Love, which gives you a broad understanding on what love really is. Pushing the The Message of love to the masses is his main mission in life. I learned this after reading the book. It didn’t take long for me to agree with the message and act on it. Though my reason for believing it wasn’t necessary based on the the message alone, but because it made sense to me based on personal experience. And also  once I had read in the scriptures “let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed and in truth”, I was totally convinced. This was not a scripture that KEW used to support the message, but it was the one that sealed it for me. And as I stated earlier, I would believe anything he said to be true about himself and what he believed, as everything tied to scripture. By this point, I think it’s safe to say that I had excepted him to be play that “teacher” role to me, leading me and guiding me into the direction of life that I had always desired, while being my man at the same time. We didn’t use the title girlfriend and boyfriend, but we were together. Jason was finally officially out of the picture and I was headed into a battle field with this man  that I never saw coming or would have even expected to come. He was damn near perfect in my eyes. Note: He had given me the name Rill, so that is the name he called me. I think he gave me this name back in 2014.

 

By July, he had pretty much moved in with me. He lived with his grandmother at the time. Jason lived with his grandmother at the time we were together also, so obviously I wasn’t concerned with the financial status of a man too much.. And no this was not what I desired in a man, for him to not have his own space. However, this didn’t matter to me because I wasn’t looking for a man to take care of me financially or at all really. It was the established righteous mindset of a man that I desire most, and his ability to be established with Godly wisdom.. Note: Jason had none of the characteristics that I dreamed my husband to have as far as Godliness. K.E.W acted as the provider type though. Not in the sense of paying my bills or anything, but more of a care taker type providing. He took care of ME, not my bills. I never wanted a man to pay my bills though, I wasn’t raised like that. I watched my mother pay bills and provide outside of Dee’s assistance so I learned to handle things myself. And I didn’t want to give a man that type of power over me, or feel like I owe him something just because he payed my bills. Nope wasn’t interested. He took care of me though, by making sure I ate things healthy for the body, making sure I exercised, (I was a lil on the fat side lol, he would clean the house up, he use get my hair done(that was once), he would do my hair, and just do things that showed me he cared about my physical health and my spiritual health. The ideal man. Only think that I was still stressed out about was school. I was ready to drop out at any moment. Mentally I just had no time for it.

 

By this time I had finished reading Message of Love, which also meant I had completed the reading of the New Testament, for the second time, but the first time as an adult. After the finishing of the book, I immediately made the decision to stop telling people that “I love you”, but instead, “God loves you”, including family. I didn’t fully understand the message of Love, but I was convinced that love wasn’t what I associated it with, and it made more sense that God loved only, based on my belief that it was greater than whatever the world had coined it to mean.  Any new knowledge that I gained through KEW, I wanted to share it with everyone I was close to with hopes that I could bring them aboard. Unfortunately early on, I knew that this was not going to be the case. I had noticed amongst the college girls that their reverence for KEW was not like mine, they thought he was a goof pretty much. Ni and Amb understood his value, but eventually it seemed like that dwindled away. I always thought that because I showed them that I respected him on a greater level, that made them have to show more respect and pay attention to why I valued him so much. I believe eventually some of them caught on, because he showed certain ones what he had showed us in the beginning. Me not telling my family that I love them anymore was the beginning of the separation. It was hard for me to try and explain it to them because I didn’t fully understand it, but I believe it. So I would literally get in arguments with them, trying to prove to them that I wasn’t crazy or brainwashed as they assumed. For the first two year of being with KEW, it was a constant battle between me and them. I was all in with this mission with KEW, so I was standing m firm in what I believed to be right. It wasn’t just for myself that, but I was taking on this life as a woman of God believing in the message of Love,  for them also. I was on the generational breaking of curses wave, believing that Jesus was the way, along with the revelation of Love. I thought I could save them too. I thought about me influencing them to be men and women of God, pursuing the path of life that I thought they also believed in, but I was wrong. As the “baby girl” Kew had to help me understand that they were just concerned about me(not to say they were right), which I came to understand, but to me, they could have been way more understanding. As a woman of God, I was literally called crazy, delusional, brain washed, mentally ill, and anything to say that I was not in my right mind, all by my family members. Dee was the most understanding of everyone. He never judge me or said anything degrading to me. He actually showed much understanding, even to this very day. It was life he was the ONLY person that truly understood ME, and my position. I did get in one debate with him about our views of God, but he never made me feel like my mother or my sisters did. It had gotten to the point where I would call him when Kew and I had major problems, which is something I would have never imagined. Neke was understanding at certain times, and she respected me being a woman of God, but she still made me feel very bad for being with KEW, choosing to believe in his “doctrine” or revelation of love. So overall my family were against me more than anyone. It took me two years to finally accept that they weren’t going to change their minds, and I wasn’t going to be able to change it either. I stopped waisting my time trying to get them to understand anything I believed in or anything concerning my journey with Kew, because it all sounded like bullshit to them, except Dee.

 

Skipping forward to the next most heart breaking day, a day that begin the battle that would last for the next 8 years. One night while turning up with the girls, I got a txt from K.E.W saying that we needed to talk, he called it a “sit down”. I was high and drinking at the time so I was concerned but not too much because I was lit. I responded like okay, and then he pretty much said it was urgent, like I needed to pull up @ Grammy’s house in less than 10, which was something he use to say when he wanted me to pull up. My apartment was less that 10 min from Grammy’s house. When I pulled up, he was sitting on the porch, I stepped on the porch, sat down, and waited for the him to tell me what was going on. Next thing I know, a girl walked out of Grammys house onto the porch. Before this day, I assumed for some reason that he may have been involved with a girl before me because I did remember him mentioning a girl one time before when we were just homies. I remember thinking about it when we finally got “together” but I wasn’t really concerned at all. The name I was familiar with was Fine Art, and that was all I knew. I wanna say I saw her name pop up on his phone during the time I was still with Jason, but again I was unmoved. I was blinded to anything off concerning him, because I was so attached to all of the things I saw positive about him. So when she walked out of the house he introduces her to me as Fine Art . Now if you knew me back then, then you knew I probably was ready to flip out, but I didn’t. He made me want to be better so I always tried to humble myself dealing with him. It didn’t always happen but I definitely tried, to show him that respect. He had pretty much told me that he was also with her too, like that was also his girl. I didn’t show it right then in that very moment but my lil heart was shattered. He always say that he told me he could talk to other girls, but I don’t remember it, or if he did, I didn’t understand it to mean, I’ll have a girl on the side that Im involved with and not tell you. That wasn’t even the character that I observed in him. I was real chill about it on the scene though, I listened to his lil explanation, and as I always did, I made the shot make sense and coined it as an act of realness but him telling me what was up. So apparently he had started  dealing with this girl right after he had first met us back in 2014. So between then and up until this very day, he was involved with her. She was only 18 years old and I was 22. I remember looking at her like she was a lil girl. He pretty much told us that he wanted to continue talking to both of us and wanted us all to be cool. It was absurd to my natural mind, but he made that shit make so much sense as far as love was concerned, as well as marriage, in the eyes of God. I think because he had so much knowledge in certain areas that I lacked, and me being a truth seeker, lacking much spiritual knowledge, it was easy for me to make sense out of his logic, because first I trusted him and secondly, he always tied things to scripture. He told me that she needed a lot of help, and that I could be like the role model that she needed to assist in that process of him helping her. I understood this and respected his attempt to help the girl, understanding he was definitely this type of person because of how he wanted to help me and how he cared  for me. I was his witness as to him being a “real nigga” so I wanted to always show that I believed him. However, though I had believed in him and trusted him, this was the first time applied any flaw towards him. There was a time before when he had borrowed money from me, but that was nothing too major to me. This situation made me question his character.

 

I ended up leaving them there on the porch after he had finished  with the “sit down”. I went back to my apartment and cried all night. I think I probably slept for a couple hours that night. I woke up crying lol. I was more hurt than when he told Jason about our “affair” lol.  I told him I respected what he did and understood his position and efforts to make it work for the benefit of all of us, but that I didn’t think I could fill that position. I could not believe it had come to this. I was mad, sad, confused, I felt betrayed, and tricked. I felt like he lied to me by keeping that a secret the entire time. I didn’t take him as the guy to play the game like that. He was very wise. He had handled it all so wisely. To me it was manipulative because I couldn’t  make sense out of why  he went through all of that to take me from Jason,  all while he had a girl already. “How you want me when you got uh girl” lol. I learned later that he actually didn’t want me like that,  he just cared about me so much that he wanted to help me get out of the fucked up lifestyle I was in, which was even cool with me, because that was more important to me than anything. The way he expressed care for me was too quality.

 

Through out that night and the next day, he convinced me that it was going to work out and to stick it out. I fought up  against it over and over but he didn’t give up. Consistency from a man was my weakness, most definitely from him. Definitely because I already thought he was close to perfect. So as usual, I gave in and was with the shits. I eventually convinced myself that I was strong enough to play that position, but surely I was not. I was still smoking and drinking on the regular, so that  kept me distracted from  the reality of what I was really involved in, possibly making it easier for me to make the decision to continue. I had agreed to continue in this relationship understanding that he was also in a separate relationship. So I agreed to continue having sex with him which became uncomfortable,  understanding that he was actively having sex with someone else. With Ryan, I was cool with him having sex with other people and doing whatever he chose to do, because I chose to accept that from the very beginning, understanding that I didn’t want any strings attached, but this was different, this was my mans and strings were attached, I wanted to marry this man. I had also considered the fact that he road it out with me while I was with Jason. I don’t know why I even considered that, because the situations were completely different. I guess I had to find reasons good enough for me, that would make me stay. Note: I should have mentioned this previously, but my interaction with K.Ew. Was still much like that of a homie, I still treated him like he was the homie, like. I still talked hard/recklessly to him just because that’s how I spoke. I still showed some level of humility of course but my lil ratchet personality was very active, and as long as I felt like he knew I respected him, I thought he would be cool with it. I had to mention this so that the readers wouldn’t assume that I was just being a lil humble bug, showing the up most respect to him in my attitude. I didn’t think it was anything he took offense to, but I later found out that he did.

 

So here I am entangled in this relationship. Probably a month in, I started building a relationship with Fine Art, which by far the weirdest most uncomfortable thing I’ve ever had to do. We all started hanging out together, just like when it would be him with me Ni and Amb, except with a totally different vibe and motive. I wasn’t with it usually, but I did just for K.E.W. When I started getting to know Fine Art, I begin to learn more things about K.E.W. Even observing them interact when we were all together, showed me things about him that I had never witnessed. When I would learn certain things about him through her, I begin to think that he was really on some whole other shit outside of what I had believed. The things she would tell me just didn’t make sense. I even started to believe that the both of them were in on whatever game he was trying to run. One major factor to me feeling this way was the fact that she was involved with guys still, and sexually. This blew my mind. Her I am done pretty in the process of giving my whole life to him, and here I am in this situation with another chick who I feel like is playing. I took mental notes of this a moved accordingly mentally, because now I’m confused. When I would watch him interact with her it was like he turned into a different person. I believe it was because she was so young, but it was weird to me, because I wasn’t use to seeing it. He didn’t interact with me that way, or any of the college girls that way so without asking questions, I was left to assume anything. But eventually we became cool, but I always felt like I couldn’t trust her, which wasn’t healthy because I never dealt with any girl continually that I felt like I couldn’t trust. But she ended being like a lil sister to me.

 

A little after this month had passed, K.E.W. ended up going to jail for 3 months. But before this, who think this time of me first meeting Fine Art, me and K.E.W. had started having more issues between the two of us. I think we had even started having arguments. I assume it stemmed from the whole other female thing, and me truly being bitter with him about it. I found myself being jealous and just mad. I also remember most of the time, the arguments were about him feeling like I was not treating Fine Art well enough. Shit I thought I was doing pretty well, considering the situation, and when her and I was together, shit was cool. I shouldn’t have  even attempted to play that role, but I was too weak to step away, and I just didn’t want to leave him hanging like that, believing that he pretty much saved me from my mess, saving my life. I thank God today, but I understand now that I’m really not  built to take on every challenge. I always thought that I could do anything I put my hands to and always and raribacked down from a challenge.. I never liked doing things that were easy, I wanted to dominate on the advanced level. During this time, I had also started to notice that there was a side of K.E.W that I did not find to be in line with the perfection I applied to him. It wasn’t anything to  make me give up, but I was definitely paying attention. I was also weaning  myself off of the smoking with the help of K.E.W, so I was smoking only occasionally, and it was usually only with K.E.W. Without saying it, I was going through my transformation. I was rarely hanging with the girls, always in K.E.W’s ass, working, and schooling.

 

I believe it was the end of September when he went jail. He left me to take over the” business” and now I  was responsible for Fine Art. She literally became my side kick. When I wasn’t at work or in class, I tried to make sure she was with me. Im sure K.E.W told me at some point to keep her with me as much as possible. He would always give different directions about things while he was locked up. Our relationship really grew while he was away, and I gained a level of care for her that was separated from the care that may have been expected within the entanglement we were in. She had eventually started to not be available as much when he was locked up, and it had gotten to a point where I would literally have to chase her around. She wasn’t a smoker or drinker either, she usually only did it with us. During this time she was involved with a couple other guys, and I didn’t know what to do about it. Just imagine the position I was in. First, I wasn’t going to snitch on her and hell  to be honest I couldn’t figure out what to do, so I just kept my mouth shut. I was sad for Kew actually, that she was doing it, but I took that as an opportunity to do a lil something myself, I’ll speak on that shortly. It also made me feel like because she was just out doing what she was doing that maybe the relationship and view I had of  K.E.W wasn’t as serious as I believed it to be. I even started expecting things to not work out, and getting myself prepared. Even though I was preparing myself, I just couldn’t escape that God like character about Kew or forget all that I had experienced and observed in him. And in every letter he sent, they all supported my belief, in fact it probably enhanced it.  Note:: I never felt appreciate by her or him for the work I put in to make sure she was always straight.

 

I went on my first people “fast” when he was locked up. He wrote a letter giving instructions on what to do. He also had a work out regiment for us to complete daily, and also a Bible reading session in that routine. I was always very serious about following the instructions to the t. A lot of people may  say that I was being controlled, but I always said I was being trained because I believe in the vision of Godly structure and order.. It had gotten to a point later down the line where I most definitely felt that way, and we’ll discuss that later, but at this point I felt like everything he was doing was with positive intention, and I was all for it because I was willing and ready to  change and grow. I had also received instructions via calls and letter on how to run the business. It was epic how the information was communicated. You would have had to be a person like me and also know him to get such instructions and move accordingly, and that’s just in my opinion. So for the next couple of months I ran the business. I had some knowledge already, but to completely run it myself, and with different brands was quite challenging, most definitely while in school and working two jobs. This wasn’t something I had to second guess, as you all see, I was willing to ride with and for this guy at all costs if I could. Man I was out here putting in work straight holding the fort  down.

 

Also during this time, I ended up choosing to move out of my apartment. Things were just not working out with bills and I just could no longer continue in that situation. I ended up moving in with K.E.W’s grandmother Grammy. I moved in with her while K.E.W was stilled locked up. Kew orchestrated that whole thing while he was locked up. She only allowed me to live with her while he was locked up. Me and Grammy was cool. She didn’t really like people like that lol. I had to get used to her until eventually I could see right through that toughness. She was a mean old lady outwardly, but truly she was  sweet and so caring. She would cuss you  in a heartbeat and was real neat and clean. She reminded me a lot of my grandmother Ann. We had a special lil relationship, she was a lot more gentle with me than I saw her be with other people. She use to cook for me most days, and then cuss me about something afterwards. While I was living there, one day my entire body broke out in hives. I was covered in bumpy whelps. I was so broken out that my facial features were different. Grammy had given me some of that chicken pock lotion they used to use back in the day, but it didn’t help at all. So I ended up going to the doctors care to figure out what was wrong and after getting my blood work back, everything came back normal. Since they didn’t find anything wrong, I assumed that it was from mold that may have been in the room I was sleeping in. After about a week the hives had finally or two the hives had went away, but to this day I don’t know what caused that break out.

 

Before I move on, I have to mention my buddy Fam. Fam is one of K.E.W’s family members that  I built a relationship with while he was locked up. He lived right next to Grammy. Fam became the homie over that 3 months. We spent a lot of time together just talking about life. He always showed much respect towards me and always motivated me in some form. I was very ashamed to be in that entanglement, but Fam never made me feel uncomfortable or dumb for being in it. For whatever reason he always encouraged me to do things that made me happy. I would tell him some of the deeper feelings I had dealing with KEW and that 3 way relationship, and I would truly gain strength to endure after our talks. Fam was about 60 something years old man lol, but that was my homeboy, and I thank God for Fam during those times, even though some nights Fam was staying up a lil too late for my schedule lol, but I used to hang regardless, because I knew he needed those more than I did.

 

Back to this opportunity I dibbled in. 

 

Jason had never stopped completely communicating with me after the break up. If he did, it may have been for a week or two. So during this time while K.E.W. was locked up, Jason took advantage of that. And I say HE took advantage of it simply because by this point, he understood that me and K.E.W. were “together”. I remember he used to always want to call me to “check up on me” or “just hear my voice”, and I used to have to tell him often like naw I’m with K.E.W. right now. I think I even used to tell him like you know what I sound like, and you texting me to check up on me is good enough. But I think sometimes I used to answer just to be nice and because I wasn’t doing anything with him, I didn’t feel like it was a problem. So when Kew got locked up, I ended up telling Jason because now when he was calling I would answer the phone calls more, and he started to wonder how all of a sudden I’m answering his phone calls with no problem. Once I told him that, he tried his hardest to get near me. I had turned him down over and over until one day after much persistence, I gave in. Typical me. The sex wasn’t even like a full session because I stopped it. Note: It was protected sex . I felt like the worst person, because now I was cheating on my “husband” lol.  He wasn’t really my husband, but that’s how I felt. I had to literally convince myself to even do it. I remember thinking like well maybe it’s not even that big of a deal since Fine Art our here doing  her thing. Like I said before, I had started to think things weren’t as serious as I believed them to be because of it. However, at the end of the day, I still could have said no, but there I was compromising my loyalty once again. Note: I always thought myself to be a loyal person. I even believed I was the realest amongst anybody I dealt with. I took pride in being real, so I thought. So when Kew used to say he was the realest, I had to see what made him feel that way, most definitely because that was a statement he made continuously. After that encounter with Jason, I made sure that would never happen again. The way I felt afterwards, I wouldn’t even think about putting myself through that again. I believe this was in September.

Three months had passed and it was time for K.E.W to get out. Me and Fine Art  used to go see him when he was locked up often. We always went together, which was embarrassing. I used to always be embarrassed about the entanglement. I never even discussed it with anyone, I just went with the flow, literally. Everybody knew but no one ever asked any questions and I never said anything about it. I would even bring Fine Art around the college girls and I assume just out of respect for me, they went with the flow too. It was November 12th 2015 when he finally got out. Whew chy I had missed the kid, a lot. Me and Fine Art went to pick him up and the first place we went was to waffle out and ate breakfast. That was the first time I ate a bowl of oatmeal. I almost threw up trying to eat it. Of course this was K.E.W’s idea. I never liked oatmeal, but after many more oatmeal bowls later down the road, oatmeal was one of my favorite healthy breakfast dishes. K.E.W and I had unprotected sex that same day. This is important to mention for future occurrences after this particular encounter. K.E.W and I hardly ever had protected sex before me meeting Fine Art. I think we only used protection the very first time actually before meeting her. We used it more later because now I was more cautious because it was certain that they were having sex too. Now that K.E.W. was out, it was time for me to move out of Grammies house because the agreement was to only stay until her got out. Kew his best to get Grammy to allow me to stay there longer but she just wouldn’t  budge. I didn’t find out until later that this was the reason for him and Grammys falling out. After Grammy chose to not let me stay there, he pretty much ended their relationship. He continued to stay there a little longer, but eventually he left for good, and they never talked again. Two or three years later, she died without them reconciling or reconnecting.

 

Now since I had to move out, I went to join Quincy and Amber at their apartment. I was actually there right after I moved out of my apartment, and this is where I was going to stay, but K.E.W wanted me to be at Grammys house for some reason. I assume it was a part of the “ transition/transformation”, and also it was a way that would  allow me to have more space and time for Fine Art. Instead of going back to  Quincy’s apartment, which was the same apartment complex I lived in, K.E.W. asked his male parent( dad, Tyrone) if I could live there with him for a while. He said yes, so I moved in with him in a two bedroom house. Fine Art stayed up there too most of the time, but she still lives at home with her mother.  He lived in a city callled Johnston, which was about 25-30 minutes from Aiken. Tyrone was real cool, and he never made me feel unwelcomed at any time. I lived there for about 3 months before It was time to move again. While I was here I was still in school and working two jobs. We only had one vehicle, which was a raggedy old suv that I had, which previously belonged to my aunt who had passed away. It was just sitting in my parents yard,  so I asked them if I could use it, and surprisingly they let me, so this was the first car I had when I was in college, living in the apartment.

 

Everyday at this point was stressful. I was having to wake up super early on days that I had class, just to get dropped of to class, because K.E.W would have the car. He would pick me up and take me to work when I was scheduled for my second job. My first job was on campus, so I could walk there. I remember me him and Fine Art used to hang out in the city so that we wouldn’t haven’t to drive back and forth from Johnston. K.E.W’s business was primarily in Aiken so to not miss out on any sales, we had to stay in town. We usually would just hand out in the area where Grammy lived, or I would go to Quincy’s house until it was time to go in for the night. That car had so many issues, so it was stressful driving that far everyday, more than once a day. I now even more fed up and tired of school, because now my living arrangement was just all out of order. When I think back, I can’t believe the things  I was involved in. I was willing to ride with my dawg no matter what though, and do whatever needed to support him. By this point also, he was t as financially well as he was when I first met him. Though he didn’t have his own house when I met him, he had a car, which he ended up giving to me(while it was broke), and he definitely had money. These days, he say, his life went downhill when he got with me. He like to say “y’all” as in me and Fine Art, but I always felt like he was  talking about me specifically, but we’ll get into all of that later. Life was just different for me now. I was mostly sober. I was completely done drinking and I was smoking less than I had ever smoked in the past 4 years, actually I don’t think I was smoking at all at the time. Now to be sober and dealing with being pretty much homeless because I was living with someone else on a favor, trying to cope day to day with this uncomfortable relationship, all while not having anything to numb any of the  mental and  emotional battles. I was facing life and myself at one of the most difficult times in my life as an adult. Just 9 months prior my life wasn’t perfect by far, but to  think I would be in that place at any point in life was never even a thought.

 

While I was living there I  experienced something that I felt traumatized me. Long story short, the three of us shared the same bed for many nights. This wasn’t something I initially agreed with nor did I feel comfortable with it at any point. Again, it was something I did, believing that whatever K.E.W.said was cool, was actually cool. Even though I did things I didn’t agree with, I always made it known  that I disagreed before I was convinced to do it. A lot of arguments at this point was also me expressing my opinions about things I disagreed with that Kew would suggest. I didn’t just disagree but I would put up a fight verbally. Remember, I was still real “thuggish”-like,  even though I gave in to a lot of things. I wasn’t just going with the flow without saying what I had to say. Shoot I was actually in my feelings most of the time. Look, I was struggling with this thing to be honest, but I just couldn’t give up. I was there for purpose, and that trumped everything. I was stuck, but I felt like it was necessary that I endure it all. Fine Art and I had started to believe that he was getting cocky with the fact that he had two  women. It had seemed like he would do things to try and flex about it. Neither of us was supportive of that, so that was another thing that just pissed me off with him.  Her and I only had each other to discuss everything we didn’t like  concerning this situation. I talked a lot of shit, but I was always encouraged her that the purpose was greater, and to just stick it out. I eventually found out that our view of the relationship and the purpose of our involvement were on two completely different levels, at least to me. This made it even harder for me.

 

 At the beginning of December, I ended up going to a bar with Kew and Fine Art. I think we went because The college girls were gathering there for someone’s birthday or either just a casual get together. At this time I was completely mostly sober and I definitely wasn’t going out at all. I think before we even got there, we had planned to smoke, me fine art and Kew. I remember I was still in my work clothes. For some dumb reason, Kew wanted to hit box the vehicle I drove, which was what we drove there in. We stayed at the bar for a little while and afterwards we went to Waffle House, where Magic and Deno joined us. Magic was Kews cousin who hung out with us a lot. I thank God for Magic. Magic new about Kew juggling both of us the entire time, before we ever even met each other. He also used to hang with us when Kew came around, and eventually he got to the point where he would just pull up withouT Kew. He having Magic around always made it easier to cope with the the triangle. Deno was one of the guys kew  called his brother. Deno wasn’t around as much as Magic but he was still around occasionally. I’m not sure if Deno got drunk from the bar we was at, but he was waisted, and needed to go home. When we were sitting in Waffle House, Kew asked him to take Deno home, but Magic claimed he was too lit. Then he asked me and fine art to take him home. We were definitely too tired so we tried our best to get Magic to take him but he just wouldn’t do it, so we just ended up taking him because he was so ready to go. , I remember feeling incapable to drive but both of us was actually incapable, and we tried to tell them that. Kew never even suggested himself to drive because he was probably more incapable than all of us.. All in all, Magic was the one who drove us to Waffle House, so we felt like he was the best fit to drive the man home . Got damn Magic. So I drove Deno to his location and dropped him off,  which was a long drive. When we got there his dad offered to let us come in and rest or something before we left back out, assuming we looked like we needed to, but we declined. On the way back fine Art ended up driving, and  when we were almost back to our destination, we gets pulled over my the pigs臘‍♀️. I remember I dozed off in the front seat and I woke up to Fine Art waking me up telling me the cops were behind us. My heart dropped and I immediately thought about us hot boxing just a couple of hours prior. I knew it still smelled like smoke in the car. Long story short, the cops came to the window and said they stopped us because she was swerving. Never thing he said was that he smelled marijuana. Lawwwd I knew right then that  we were going down. Next thing I know we were outside the car and the car was being searched. A bag that was left in the car, by neither of us, would be the cause of our arrest that night. We both ended up going to jail that night for Poseidon of marijuana and cocain, with the intent to distribute. I was completely blown. They had those damn handcuffs so tight on my hand and they were acting like the typical rude ego driven cops. I sat in that back seat and wanted to cry and even sounded a cry, but not one tear was shed. It was like I was supposed to be crying and stressed out to the max but I wasn’t. It didn’t really hit me until I was in there dealing with the cops or whatever they were on the inside, acting like slave masters. It all felt like acting set. It was like the co’s were acting like theu were doing a scared straight episode, and the inmates were just acting like the inmates that be on movies. I could believe it was like that. Kew was the first person we called. I don’t think he answered for a long time, so we was just in there. I think I called my aunt Tia too, but I can’t remember if she answered or not. It was about 3:00 that morning when we were booked. I just remember feeling like it was going be alright. Talking to Kew helped too. When we were finally in a cell, which they had us in one together, I called him a few times  and he pretty much was saying that we would probably get a PR  bond,  because it  was our first offense. I didn’t eat or drink anything the whole time. We we went up for our hearing the judge set out bond at 30,000. Thankfully I had 3,000 dollars either from a loan I had just got or from my refund check. Kew and his brother were on the  outside handling everything to get us out asap. We finally got  out later that evening. By the time I was laying in that bed, waiting to get out, is when it really hit me that I was sitting up in the cell, thinking about my future and just the thought of being in jail.. We both had to take the charge because we didn’t know who the bag belonged to. Later we found out that one of us could have just took the blame for it, but obviously we didn’t know. This was another major turning point for me in life and in the relationship. I now had another reason to be bitter with KEW. When I walked out of that jail cell I blamed him in my heart for us having to go through that, but of course he blamed us for whatever reason. I blamed Magic too on the low because he was supposed to be driving anyway. After getting out, the plan was for him to go to the courts or the jail and take the blame for the bag being his. I expected that from him, and I was t surprised by it because that is just who he is, but I wouldn’t allow him to. I understood the legal stance he was in, being  on probation, so  there was no way I could be cool with that. I respected it of courses, but I pretty much begged him not to. After we found out we were able to get PTI for it, I think he finally agreed not to do it. So we went through the pti program and completed it successfully, however, it still became a stumbling block for me in the later years. Again, I don’t regret it, I thank God  for the experience, and the opportunity to have it be a part of my journey, for the development and establishing of who and what He created me to be. This was never something I imagined to be a part of my life’s journey, but I thank that it wasn’t something bigger. There were countless amounts of times during my college days before that day that I was very guilty of jail time. I was so reckless in college, breaking all the rules and laws, yet never once getting locked up or punished by the law nor did we encounter any physical harm while being so reckless. There were nights I drove from places, not even remembering driving when I finally reach the destination. I could have lost my life plenty of days, but lived through it all, so when I compare my actions before that jail visit, all I can do is thank Him.

 

 

Uh oh! About a month into living with Tyrone, I remember I use to get extremely exhausted when we would be in the city waiting to go back to Johnston. I would have to take naps in the car, and I would literally be in deep sleeps. For about two weeks, every night, I would wake up to pee several times. When I would get up, I would be extremely hungry to the point where I would have to lean over the toilet drooling because it felt like I was going to throw up. It felt like I was starving. I would wake up in the morning and feel this same starving feeling. I had never been this hungry in my life. This went on for about two weeks. I didn’t think anything of it, I just continued on with life. I would only feel that way during those times so I guess I kinda just ignored it. I was also very thirsty, I used to drink a lot of water but it felt like my throat would always be dry. I don’t think I went home for thanksgiving that year, so I went home for Christmas instead. Anytime I went home for holidays while  I was in school, I would try and link up with the girls I grew up with/ my first squad before the college girls/ my day ones. I think I stayed home for about two week of the break. That week, I linked up with pretty much the whole squad. All of them were wild like me so everybody smoked and drank, but at the time I was sober,  the one  night it was up. I think I smoked and drank that night. I think the next day they wanted to the club, but I wasn’t a fan of the clubs back back home, and I just wasn’t going out anymore at all, so I chose not to go. I had gotten dressed just to try and go out to spend time with them but I just wasn’t feeling it. I remember I had on a pencil dress and I was at Whitney’s(RIP) house, Jazz’s sister, and I said to Jazz while looking in the mirror at my bulging stomach “ Jazz I think I’m pregnant”. My stomach was just looking extra bloated and my breast looked bigger. She was like hell naw Tammy lol. I was man I think so. I wasn’t that convinced but I definitely thought it was a possibility simply based on how fat I looked. That was one of the last times I really spent time like that the day ones.

 

During this same time, which was after this night with the girls, I had another heart wrenching experience. This time it was even worse than the first two heart breaks. Long story short, K.E.W. had found out about the “affair” with Jason. This marked the beginning of the non stop turmoil I would experience for the next 7 years. I could not believe Fine Art had betrayed in that manner. K.E.W. had completely flipped on me. There was nothing I could do or say except apologize, and beg for his forgiveness. He wasn’t trying to hear it. He had yelled and fussed before, but this was the Katy time he showed such bitterness towards me. It was that hurt anger. He was hurt man, and I felt too low. I didn’t even know what to say though to help the situation because I was dead wrong. He had pretty much ended the relationship that day. He completely ignored me, he wouldn’t answer my phone calls or text messages for like the next 2  days. If he did respond to a message, it was him sending one worded txts or him saying something like “leave me alone”.. I was calling him over and over and over again, sending him several long ass paragraph text messages. I did  this for I’m sure 2-3 days before he finally started to come around. I remember laying in the bed at my parents house just crying all night. That was literally the first time I ever felt that way. I couldn’t  believe I was tripping like that. I was begging God to help me get out of that state. I remember telling my mama what had happened and she just listened to me, but didn’t really have any useful advice. Shoot I even think I cried to her about it. After begging for his forgiveness he finally gave in and attempted to forgive me. I say attempted because this would be something he hung over my head till this day, leaving me to believe he never really forgave me. I had never begged so much in my life. When he would leave back in the day with the college girls, we would try and get him to come back around but that was nothing like what I had to do in this situation. I was back on the team but if I thought things were difficult before, I had no idea just how even more crazy things were about to get. We were back on regular terms with each now but thinks we’re definitely shaky. He really fought through some tough emotions to get back to normal with me, but he did it. It was in this moment when I started to wonder why he was so upset about it, when he had two females involved with him. Certain situations that started to occur would make me question his intentions and motive more than I ever had before. However, my initial view of him always outweighed every negative thought about him.

 

 

 

When I finally got back to Aiken, I went straight to Grammy’s house to see K.E.W. By this  point  we were officially cool again. And shoot I was living with his dad so I was deep in the mix now, so to not forgive me would have caused even more problems, possibly. I didn’t tell K.E.W. what I had told Jazz about me thinking I was pregnant because I really was joking but still suspicious. Before I had left to head back to Aiken, I had even more reason to believe that I was pregnant which was just the simple fact that my stomach was still extra bloated, and I missed my period for December. It was the beginning of January when I finally got back to Aiken, which was now 2016. I remember I had on a black gamecock shirt with some grey tights and some brown thigh boots. When I walked up to K.E.W. to hug him, he pulled up my shirt, which was small, and said “girl you pregnant”. He made like he knew that for sure. I disagreed even though I had already thought that myself. I remember being so in denial about it, but still believing it at the same time. After that, we kinda just let it go and kept living life. The bloating never went away. On January 17th Ni Ni had a  kick back for her birthday that I attended, which was rare because I wasn’t really kickin it like I used to. I remember a lot of the old college homies were there, Mr. Linnen was there I think, so I had to turn up a lil bit. By this point I knew for a fact I was pregnant. I hadn’t take a test yet but I just knew. I could barely button any of pants up, or all of them were tight around the waist, and this day I remember I had on some high waisted pants and y poor lil stomach was so chunky. It wasn’t to the point where it looked like pregnancy, but it just looked a lil bigger than usual to me. This was the last time I smoked and drank. I was cool with drinking and smoking though because I was quite sure that I was going to get an abortion. It wasn’t something that I would have rather done, but I was feeling like that’s what I needed to do. As time passed, I started to not feel like abortion was going to be an option. I had finally taken a pregnancy test I think that same month to confirm, and surely it positive. I sat in my vehicle outside of Grammys house and cried. After this Kew and I started talking about what I wanted to do. He never mentioned what he wanted to do, but I was leaning towards the abortion side mainly because of the situation I was in with the triangle, but once it was confirmed I couldn’t see myself not keeping my baby, and also when I started  researching abortions, I quickly changed my mind. I also wanted kids with KeW one day, so for me to abort the baby started to not make mich sense to me anymore. At this point, I couldn’t even see myself having a child with anyone else. So even though it seemed like the the abortion was the best route for the situation we were in, for us financially, and simply because I didn’t feel like I was in a place to be a mother nor was I ready, these reason just didn’t out weigh the natural urge I felt to keep my child. We were riding down the Hitchcock highway in Aiken, SC a d Kew told me that it didn’t matter to him which decision I made, that he was cool with either decision. I chose to keep it, and he was like cool, and we started living  preparing life for a baby.

 

My pregnancy was one of the most stressful times of my life. I didn’t share the news with everyone until I was 5 months pregnant. My stomach had t got too much bigger than that bloated looomg stage, so it wasn’t easy to see that I was pregnant at the time. I wore big shirts most of the time, so it really didn’t show at all. I was very angry and irritated with Kew my entire pregnancy, and vise versa. Fine art was still in the relationship and we were all still moving how we were were before, except now things are a little more awkward and uncomfortable because now im pregnant. By February, I had moved in with Quincy and Amb Bam be at it was time to move out of Tyrone’s spot. I think we had a time limit there also, or maybe something happened between him and Kew and we had to leave. So Kew and I both eventually were living there together m. We didn’t have our own room, we used the sun room and the living room as our living space. We eventually had a day bed in the sun rrom that we slept on. Lawd that was struggle. It wasn’t as difficult for me because us college folks were used to being piled up like that in a small area, but for a grown man to have to find space in that mix,  was not cool.  Even though he was pretty much a part of the squad, I’m sure it was very uncomfortable for him. I’m sure it made Quincy and Amb uncomfortable too, but again, because we had such a solid relationship understanding each other, out of respect for me, they adjusted to it, and plus I was pregnant, so they definitely weren’t tripping. I don’t think they would have even if I wasn’t pregnant because we just didn’t move like that, definitely not us three. So because I had moved out of my apartment, it was hard trying to get into another one, which was my plan all along, but kews idea to I’ve here and there to save money landed me back with the college girls. Because my mother co-signed for my first apartment, I was definitely going to need another co-signer for another one. And being that Kew didn’t work an actual job, he couldn’t help, so we stayed there until the day after I had the baby. Man, if I thought Kew had a mean streak/ability to flip completely out before, it turned up even more while I was pregnant. Now remember that this man isn’t just dealing with me, he has a whole other woman that he is active involved with. I felt like he completely ignored that fact that I was pregnant, when it came to him treating me a certain type of way. The way he dealt with me as far as his attitude, was like I was the enemy. He even started to say that Jason could be the parent instead of him. This man brought this up throughout the entire pregnancy. He even wanted me to tell Jason that he could be the parent, when it was clearly impossible for him tho be the dad. The “semi” sex that I had with Jason was protected, and it took place back in September, and I had my period afterwards, and actually, I had my period right before Kew got out of jail. I was mentally and emotionally drained. Thankfully I had no pregnancy sicknesses ever. The only thing I had was that gingery at the beginning and fatigue in the first trimester. When I decided I was going to keep the baby, I immediately stopped eating sweets, so during my entire pregnancy I probably had two cheat days where I ate I think a honey bun, and for the rest of the time I didn’t eat any sugar sweets. During the last two months of my pregnancy, Kew had started working at Waffle House. During this time we were going hard trying to find a place. Again, I was still in school and working two jobs. God was with me for sure. Everywhere we went was either too expensive, or I needed a co signer. Even though I was working two jobs, I was still working minimum wage and 8.00/hr, so I was still struggling financially. Kew was making money too, but he was loosing it too, depending on the day.  I lended him a lot of money over the course of the next 7 years, but it was cool, because when he had it, he handled a lot of our business financially, that I just wouldn’t have been able to do on my income alone, and plus we were family so I did what I could.

 

When I told my family, Neke was the first person I told. I told her how I was thinking about getting an abortion and she told me to pretty much just  think about it more and to make sure that that’s what I wanted to do because she wouldn’t want me to regret it. This was earlier on, before I had even went to the doctor. She didn’t want to tell me straight out to not do it, but she made it clear in some way that she wanted me to keep it, but  matter what I chose to do, she was going to support. Dee was the next  person I told(I think), per request of Kew. Omg I was so nervous to tell him. When I finally muscled up the strength to tell him, I was t surprised by his reaction. He wasn’t excited but he didn’t condemn me. He was kinda just nonchalant about it. I don’t really remember my mothers response at all. I think both of their responses were kind of similar. Lil d and Kiasiah were both surprised but supportive.  I didn’t see my family hardly ever when  I was pregnant. I believe I only went home one time during my entire pregnancy. My mother and sisters had me a baby shower  back at home but I couldn’t make it, so it was a drive through shower. I’m not sure exactly why I didn’t make it, but I think it was because the suv was having problems. By this time I had my mothers Kia Sorento, which was newer and more dependable than the other vehicle I had, which had completely gave out on me one day. About a month after I had told the family about the pregnancy, Neke called me to tell me that she thought she may have been pregnant. I was excited about that because I always looked forward to having nieces and nephews. I always imagine our children growing up together, but I’m sure by this point in the relationship with KEW, I knew it  probably wasn’t going to turn out that way. I was truly separated. Aiken was my home now and all of my siblings literally lived in different cities, so for our children to grow up around one another wasn’t likely.

 

My due date was August 4 2016, but he didn’t come until August 7 2016. Knowledge Equals Wisdom (K.E.W. named him after the words that the letters in  K.E.W. represented). The doctor wanted to induce me on August 8th, which I was going to refuse, but I ended up going into labor about 2:30am the day before. Note: Sperm is a natural inducing agent. I didn’t get out of bed until around about 3:00am because the pain was very mild initially. It was only me and kew at the apartment that weekend,  so the environment was more comfortable than usual. I remember waking up with what felt like period cramps. I finally went to the bathroom to sit on the bowl because it also felt like I may needed to have a bile movement. It literally felt  like I was starting my period. As the cramps got worse and worse I realized they were actually contractions so I was probably in labor, so I jumped in the shower to get ready to head to the hospital. Kew was still sleep at this point. While I was in the shower the pain got worse and I was literally in there just trying to keep it together. Kew finally woke up due to  me making noise, so  I told him I needed to go to the hospital.  I had to try and get a bag packed between contractions because I was not  prepared . Once I got everything together we left and headed to the hospital. I had on a big burnt yellow dress, looking like I was ready to have a baby lol.  When I got there around 5:00 am, I was only 2 centimeters dilated. I planned to have a completely natural birth, which I did, but the nurses continuously tried to give me meds for the pain. I was in so much distress, and it literally felt like I was dying. The contractions were like period cramps times 100. They were worse that the actual pain of pushing him out.The nurses were horrible, making the experience even more stressful, not showing any type of care or concern for the pain I was experiencing, they just wanted to dope me up to shut me up, smh.. Kew was in the room making it more stressful as well at times, not understanding how bad the pain was. I was in labor for 5 hours, which was by far the worst pain I have ever experienced. I had always had a very low pain tolerance, but after giving birth, I felt like I could endure any amount of pain.  Knowledge weighed 7 pounds and one ounce, and was born at 10:05am that morning. We chose for him to be breast fed, which I did until he was 3 years old. We also chose to not vaccinate him, so he has never received any vaccination to date.

 

About a week before I gave birth, we found a house for rent in the neighborhood where Grammy lived, that we could afford and easily get into. It was literally a minute from Grammys house. It was privately owned, so that’s why it was so easy for us to get in. We had drove all around the city applying to apartments  and looking for places for rent so that we would have a spot before the baby came, and  we finally ran into this one at the very last minute. It was a very old yellow house that had been cheaply renovated on the inside. It was decent enough to deal with, so we settled. Kew is a very clean guy and super particular, so he had to do an extreme clean on the place before we moved in, which took him that entire week before Knowledge came to do it. So we moved out from with Quincy the next day after we got out of the hospital, and into the House, 566 Hazel Drive, Aiken SC. My mother, Neke,, my nephew Tre, and my aunt Janice came to the hospital the day I had him. My mother ended up coming back with Dee  once I got out of the hospital, which actually was the very next day.

 

 

KEW continued  to work at Waffle House for the next few weeks, and then quit, or either got fired. He was still running his “business” and also entertaining the casino for income. I worked up until two days before I gave birth. I worked just as much as I did when I wasn’t pregnant, never missing a beat. Once I had my son, in chose to sit out of school for the fall semester, which I actually ended up on academic probation, or suspension due to my gpa at the end of the semester. I had withdrew from most of my classes between spring and summer, so I think my gpa by the end of summer was less than a 2.0. I had planned to return for the next spring semester, but started taking care of my son, all the schooling was done for me, I had no desire to return. My focus had shifted even more. I was focused on the mission of of Kews which was” 2we1ve”, which for me meant becoming the  absolute best version of self, under the belief in God and Jesus Christ, and taking care of my son. I didn’t feel I had any room for anything else.  I actually had planned to be a woman of God officially by the time Knowledge was birthed, meaning I would no longer willfully sin and focus even more on growing spiritually and gaining more understanding of the Bible that I believed in, but I didn’t meet that goal. This was always a important topic within the triangle. One of the major goals after getting involved with Kew, was to become a woman of God. Not just to be “saved” but to truly be a transformed woman, being who I always desired to be.. Not just on the going to church level but on a much greater level. The level that I saw in Kew when we first met.

 

My  journey of becoming who God created me to be actually started when I officially got with KEW, but the commitment to the lifestyle  wasn’t officially stamped. The reckless living by way of drugs and alcohol was over, so I had beat addiction within a year, and my time spent with family and friends was definitely over, which I was still battling with, but  now, I had reached the point in the journey where it was time to  recognize and accept my many flaws. Kew was like my teacher, so most my interaction was with him, resulting in him being the main source of my “affliction” on the journey. I trusted his judgment so much that I allowed his view of me to direct me throughout my journey. Unfortunately, since we were actually in a relationship, this didn’t look like the typical teacher student duo you would imagine. There were many different factors that shaped his view of me and also his choice of treatment towards me. Remember I stated previously that I noticed a significant difference between his interaction and treatment between me and Fine Art, which of course bothered me, but now things were getting worse. Fine Art was slipping away, we had this responsibility of a child and raising him properly, money was always looking funny, and my flaws seemed to be too great for this man to handle. To me, I felt like he had begin taking all of the stress he was facing, and and releasing those emotions toward me, saying that I was pretty much the problem for every thing that could have possibly went wrong. This became the story of my life to date, which I will get more into detail later.

 

I stayed out of work for the recommended 6 weeks, which I actually felt like I could have  gone  back sooner. I had healed very well after giving birth aside from a hernia I developed, which is something I’ve dealt with over the years.  I was breast feeding exclusively, until he was around, 6 or 7 months when we introduced fruits and vegetables. I continued to breast feed mostly until he was one, and after that he ate fruits veggies(organic only) and some grains equal amounts of the time. As I stated previously, I continued to breast feed until he was 3, and it only took about 3 weeks to weeks to completely wein him off. As far as child care, we were the only care takers of our child. Kew didn’t want anybody watching him outside of us period, which I totally agreed with. He was being raised outside of the norm. He never went to daycare, and because he didn’t get vaccinated, he was going to be home schooled his entire life. So mine and Kews role was reversed, I worked and he stayed home with the baby. When I got off from work every day, and on the weekends, I jumped straight into mother mode. I would have to pump milk for the hours I was at work. I remember I would get so overwhelmed some days  because of the strain of working with about 80 kids a day then having to dealt with the stress of the relationship with Kew/the triangle,  all while trying properly care for my child. Kew was so particular when it came to knowledge, as far as how I cared for him. From the tightness of his diaper, the buttoning of his clothes, to  objects needing to be cleaned prior to him touching it. Germs was our enemy. It all made sense to me so I was perfectly fine with it, but it was another thing that caused many problems. Kew had two other children, but this was the first child he had the opportunity to raise from birth to date. I spent the first years of his life keeping him safe from germs. It wasn’t just for him but for us too. We were all germaphobes. We were living like Covid was in the air waaaayyy before it ever hit, so when it came on the scene, we didn’t have to adjust anything about our lifestyle, other than the wearing of the masks. Wiping things down, avoiding crowds, keeping a clean sanitized house, and staying home, was a part of our daily lives for years. KEW was different, so it was only logical that we were going to also be different, most definitely in the lifestyle.

 

I enjoyed motherhood, but it was very stressful at times as he got older in months. Breastfeeding made it  even more stressful because I was always worried when I was at work fearing that he wouldn’t be satisfied without getting milk directly from the breast. Being at work was the only time I spent away from him. I had NO breaks, except when I was sleep lol. I assume it’s just a parent wide feeling, but I had a desire to always want to be around my son. Because it was Kew who cared for him while I was at work, I did have a level of peace when I was at work, because I knew he was being cared for properly, but as a mother I just felt like my presence was essential. I felt a level of this  amongst my siblings and friends as well though. KEW was the main influencer for the structure of our lives and the raising of Knowledge, which was what I understood and accepted as a part of my growth. Knowledge never once got sick as a baby, or experienced anything worthy of a doctors visit. He used to develop a runny nose and slight cough every time he grew new teeth, which lasted for a few days each time. I used breast milk for everything I could use it for, I even used it for myself as a face wash. I did a lot of research these days when it came to natural or healthy alternatives for daily living needs, which is how I learned  that breast milk had healing properties in it.

 

Three months after I gave birth, Neke gave birth to my second nephew. Unfortunately I didn’t see him in person until he was close to one years old, so I had missed his entire baby stages, which I was very sad about. I did make it home to her baby shower though, which was the first time Lil  D and Kiasiah met Knowledge. Lil D was in a healthier mental space at this point so he wasn’t too different. This was the first time Knowledge had been around a group of people at once. This was also the first time KEW had officially been around the family. They weren’t too fond of him at this point because not only was I separated from mentally, I hardly ever visited(they didn’t visit either) and , I was still not saying  the “I love you” thing so that animosity and confusion was definitely very present. Life at home with Kew wasn’t improving as far as our relationship was concerned. We got a long at times too because we were homies at the base of it all, that’s where it all started. That’s where the respect for one another was established and really the relationship that drove me. We weren’t like the typical “couple”, we were like “best friends” with benefits, believing the scriptures, attempting to pursue life at our greatest potential under God, but we  were both still sinners during this year, 2016.

 

 

The next year, February 20th(I believe), 2017, 7 months after I gave birth, I committed my life to being a woman of God. On this same day, in the same moment, I agreed to marry KEW. There was no proposal or thought leading up to this day suggesting that this was going down. Kew made it understood to me that it don’t take being legally married to be married in the eyes of God. It could make sense of it, so as usual, I believed him. There were no vows  exchanged, there was a agreement presented stating that if I’m we got married, I wound have to be a woman of God and I would also have to agree to give him legal custody of Knowledge. Pause: Now when he presented this, I could not figure out why the fuck he would suggest such a thing, and why was the marriage based on me making a decision like that. None of our issues prior had nothing  to do with custody concerns or anything of that nature so I was appalled at his request. This was the next major thing that made me question his overall motives. I had no plans of ever leaving the relationship and I always assumed we were going to be together “forever”, so the need for me to give custody of my child to him while we were going to be married was questionable.

Now though it was questionable, I made it all make sense on my mind. I assumed that out of fear of me ever choosing to leave the situation, he wanted to make sure he didn’t end up being in the same position he was with his intern two kids and his ex legal wife. The woman of God commitment was cool, it was a part of the plan anyway so that I didn’t question at all, I just looked at it like it was just  time to take it to the next level and fulfill that goal. Because I didn’t truly know his motive for the exchange, I agreed to it because shit o figure if I ain leaving, me giving him custody legally wouldn’t make a difference, and I didn’t believe him to be doing it for some evil sneaky reason, though I still questioned it inside. So I went from being “ shacked” up to married, and from a sinner to a “saint” in a matter of 10 minutes. It was official, we were married, raising Knowledge together in the same house, I was a woman of God, but he was not, so he continued to live in sin, and I chose to accept it.

 

  1. Financially, it seems like we were always struggling. But at this particular time, the struggle was elevated because I was only working 1 job now since I was no longer in school to work my other job, however, I did receive a promotion with the after school program becoming the assistant director, and also working more hours there than I did when I was enrolled in college, so I did have more income. I think I made $10 or $11/hr now vs $8/hr. It was still not enough to live comfortably by any means. From the time I moved out of my apartment with Ni, I begin to really experience a greater level of struggle that I had never experienced before. Kew was making money but losing even more. He definitely assisted with bills and rent while we were living at the house, making more money than me at times, but ultimately it was on me to keep the steady income. I ended up having to get food stamps and wic as soon as knowledge  was birthed. We needed all the extra assistance I could get. I was living paycheck to paycheck, having to borrow money from my sister Neke and my aunt Tia very often, and they never ceased to provide. Kiasiah did too a few times, but if she gave anything, she offered it, like she just knew I was struggling lol, but I never like asking her for anything. Shoot I didn’t like asking anybody for anything. I never even attempted to ask my mama and Dee for money, I had stopped that long ago. I never asked Dee for money anyway. I did ask my mother to use those vehicles, which obviously they allowed, so that was still something they assisted with along the journey, which was very helpful. I’m sure they were on the note of, “why you need money and you with a man who don’t even work”. If he was rich and didn’t work a job they would have not even cared whether he worked a “real job”. I lost a lot of money due to supporting KEW with his scheme of getting money, so this kept us in the hole  most of the time. This went on for years, all because I believed the dude would succeed in whatever it was he did. Money became a major stressor for our lil family. He was always chasing money, and I was always trying to save $1. He was always trying to get rich quick, to “save the world”. I had never been so concerned about money until I literally watched myself work day after day non stop(weekends off), just for me to never enjoy the fruits of my labor. Money always went to bills and towards the investment of  KEW’s  plan to make more money. Some times he made money made in large amounts but as stated previously, more was lost. I began to get extremely frustrated with him because of the constant loses we were taking(for years). Money had never been a major  focal point for me because I had grew up not lacking, but unfortunately for him, his story was the complete opposite. He struggled financially growing up, so to me, the desire to get money was greater than mine. I had learned from being with Jason that a persons up bringing, whether they grew up struggling or having less than vs a person who grew up not lacking  could have a major impact on a persons level of drive to get money. I was now in the seat of many people that I had watched struggle growing up, I was experiencing it first hand. This was a position I chose to consciously continue in with KEW, as I could have easily made life easier for myself by choosing to leave and move back home with my parents, but the easier route wasn’t my desire. It had gotten to be so much of a struggle, that leaving could have been an option, but I was so focused on the goal, believing that it was all a part of the journey and process, that I was willing to stick through almost anything. Overall all I didn’t want to miss seeing the end of what I was investing my entire life into. Knowledge never went lacking of course, he never even felt the struggle. I remember KEW always trying to preserve everything we had, except money. Growing up I was the one who could save my money better than anybody, but KEW is the one who actually taught me how to to truly manage money.  Though he was reckless with it, he understood how to manage it better than anybody I knew. He is also a giver, so even in the midst of our lacking, he still found ways to be of help to people in need. I remember on two different occasions, I got a notification at work of him telling me that someone was going to be living with us for a while. It was only a two bed 1 bath house, so it wasn’t much room at all. But somehow, every time he helped someone, things usually ended up not working out in the end if he had to deal with them after he helped.

 

 

NOTE:  Disclaimer: You will probably see Kew mentioned as much as I speak about myself, as he has been a major part of my life since 2014.

 

Life continued to pretty much flow as usual as far as me and KEW’s  relationship, but it may have even gotten worse throughout out 2017. I believe during this year, before Knowledge had turns 1 in August, Fine Art had moved on, no longer being a part of the fold. I don’t remember the specific problem, but I know he had actually proposed to her while I was pregnant, before he actually presented the marriage agreement to me. She denied, which is why I believe he even chose to offer me a marriage agreement. I didn’t find this out until later. This was another thing that made me look at him even more in a negative light. I would always try and convince her to stay, but she would always make it clear to me that she  wasn’t going to, it had gotten to a point where I felt like it was nothing I could do to change her mind. It wasn’t that I was happy with the triangle, but that was my homegirl foreal, but neither of us was in agreement with the relationship. Our relationship with each other was separate from from the triangle, we were cool on some whole other shit. So by the end of 2017, I think she was completely gone, and she never returned. We did have some financial relief that year, as I worked on my credit, getting it in a position to where I was getting approved for major credit cards with pretty large amounts of credit. I think I had maybe 4 credit cards. We ended up using them eventually to go on a shopping spree for clothes, getting rid of all of our old clothes. Shopping was never something we did, but this year since we had it, we made it happen.

 

Things began to get even more toxic throughout the year. Kew became even more aggressive in his demeanor which caused me to be aggressive too. He made it clear that he was unsatisfied with me not being who he wanted me to be. All of that repect was gone completely out of the window. His accusations about me were so bad that I assumed this man was that hurt by losing Fine Art. A lot of his accusations were in fact true, which I had not yet recognized or accepted yet, but they way he felt the need to relay it to me, in hopes to show me my flaws, was not acceptable by me. It was with much anger and frustration as I would call it, leaving me to assume that it was more than just trying to help or correct me. When he yelled, I yelled, if he had a attitude, then I did too, and if I had a problem with something I was going to make that known, which of course he didn’t like. After every debate I would always feel like I was wrong. I would always be the one to apologize afterwards, whether it wasn’t until a day or two later. I had begin to look at these things as Gods way for correcting me because he loved me. I wanted to be corrected so that I could truly become the woman that God created me to be, but I did not want to be corrected so harshly. However, I endured through it with the belief that I was living and experiencing correction from God through him. And I had done so much wrong through my life so far with the way I was choosing to live, that I felt it was only right that I go through some type of pain as I pursued life under God. By October of 2017, lil cross and I were headed to Hartsville to stay with my parents for a while, marking the first separation that KEW and I had. I don’t even know what we were disagreeing about constantly but the night before, I dreamed of it happening. It happened exactly the way I dreamed it, which was the first time I had a dream and saw it happen in real life verbatim.

 

Note: When I made the decision to be a woman of God, I was very happy, and I took it very seriously. I felt like this was the next step I needed to accomplish whatever thing I wanted out of life, and out of this relationship with KEW, which was to ultimately become a part of “2we1ve” a group of people living a Godly life style at the greatest level possible. I immediately started reading the Bible more, trying truly study instead of just reading. I usually did this when KEW was not home, because I never wanted him to feel like I did anything like this, only when he was around, I was doing this for me and I felt didn’t want to ever hustle recognition from anyone. I was always this way in life, even before him. So now,  I was reading the Bible consistently, praying/talking to God, only listening to Godly music, and trying not to use cuss words as much, believing that this was right. I still possessed many problems within myself, some that I recognized , and some that I did not recognize, which were many that KEW would point out to me often. This lifestyle was new to me of course so I didn’t have a manual for what I was supposed to be doing, so I did what made sense to me. Though KEW was the main influence for this lifestyle, he didn’t share with me things I needed to do to properly live this life in detail. I understood to not sin, and by watching him as far as his character, outside of his sinfulness, it aligned with what I read within the scriptures showing me what I should be doing and how I should be acting. His main conversation was based on me having problems and needing to fix them as soon as possible, so that was another thing I used to figure out what I should be doing. It was like he thought that I should have been this perfect human being immediately after making the commitment. Listen, I had so many things goin on within me negatively that had been established from the time I was 3 years old, that I couldn’t even name many of the problems. I had experienced many traumatic events over the course of my life, as well as living for years as a functional pot head and alcoholic, suppressing emotions and anything that would make me feel unhappy, so truthfully I was “sick”. As stated previously, I never took time to really know myself, assuming that I was fine, nor did I deal with or face any of the problems I may have developed from childhood, leaving me in a position that was extremely unfamiliar and uncomfortable.

 

I spent about 2 or 3 weeks at my parents house this first separation, before KEW was ready for us to return and move forward. I was always willing to make things work with Kew no matter what, because when I would read the scriptures, I never failed to find reason for me to stay with him. It wasn’t HIM that I was obsessed with, but it was the scriptures that continually persuaded me, which I was even able to find justification for certain things I didn’t understand about his actions that I disagreed with. And now that we were married, the commitment was leveled up. I knew that  I wasn’t t leaving for sure at this point, even if was for fornication where had grounds to leave according to scripture, and also,  I knew if I ever left, I wouldn’t be permitted to remarry until he died, so Tammy Ham was locked in. He probably didn’t even understand why I never left over the years, but the scriptures kept me bound. During these weeks that I stayed with my parents, I met and spent time with my nephew AJ, Neke’s son for the first time, which was very satisfying. I would FaceTime him often, but this was literally our first in person encounter. (Smiling) He stole my little heart lol. I think he was about 11 months at the time. Both of my nephews were like mine, that’s just how I felt about them, no matter how much I saw them, those were my siblings kids, which I truly took pride in.

 

We went through the next two months up and down and then by January of 2018, we separated for the second time. This time I didn’t leave Aiken. This man would literally tell me that I needed to leave臘‍♀️. I believe around this time, he was communicating with Dee about us separating, because as the husband now, he was “responsible” for me, so to him, to not address Dee about the situation would have been “out of order”. I was always willing to leave instead of putting up a fight for him to leave, because I had a place to go, but he didn’t so regardless if he was wrong or not, I wasn’t spiteful enough to be that doggish, as I would call it, to make him leave the house.

I could have went to my parents house again but I simply didn’t want to because the vibe just wasn’t worth it to me. I also didn’t want to have to deal with them judging my situation based on their mindset, which was completely different from mine. I also didn’t want to leave my job again, because this time it was understood that the separation was going to be extensive. So I chose to go knock on his mothers door with my son, telling her that I was going to need to stay there for a while. Debra Dean is her name. Debra was a woman of God and she was really my only option to stay in Aiken. I never planned on going staying anywhere else, because I assumed that I was going to be back at the house eventually. Debra lived in a 1 bed room, 1 bathroom apartment in the projects. It wasn’t the projects in its nature, but definitely in its structure. Debra excepted, which I didn’t doubt she would. By this point I didn’t really know Debra like that. Kew talked about her being crazy all time and he treated her not so nice, and anytime I encountered her, it was only for a short period of time when she would come to the house. Back when me and Kew were still creeping while I was living in my apartment, he had her to finish braiding my hair, which was the very first time o had met her. I really only let her do it because of him, because I usually didn’t let people do my hair like that, I usually did it myself, but since he was trying to help I let her help me. I don’t think at this point that he understood how particular I was about my hair, but he swore she was pretty much a professional. She wasn’t, but I just let her finish the nice deed.

 

Me and Knowledge lived with Debra for about 3 months. We all slept in the same room and used the same bathroom. There were literally only three small areas of the house, the bedroom which had a bathroom in it, the living room, and the kitchen. The bedroom had two couches in it, Knowledge and I slept on one and Debra slept on the other. During this time, I continued to study the scriptures attempting to gain more understanding of them, as well as understanding for my situation through them. These three months is when I begin to have what I would call spiritual encounters. I was so drawn to the word of God that it would get overwhelming. Overwhelming because it just wanted to be able to read it all and understand it all faster, but it was just so much. I was learning that for me, studying was very slow. I wanted more revelation quicker, but I found that it was no way around that dedicated time in the Bible, in order to gain new revelation or understanding. I was finding out through scripture as to why KEW’s actions that either agreed or disagreed with were supported or justified, which strengthened me to stay the course, believing that it was all for a divine purpose. I had some of the most amazing personal spiritual experiences while I was here. I assumed that I was elevating in some form. It was as if I was suppose to be living there at that very moment. I had already felt like that when I first went and knocked on her door, and I believe I told her that. Even though I was in what seemed like a very bad position, being separated from the husband, living with his mother in a one bed apartment, and sleeping on the couch with my 1 year old son, this was one of the most cherished moments on my journey thus far. I was so content, until issues arose. Kew and I were still in contact as we alwayss would be because of lil Cross. He still came to see lil cross, and eventually we would spend the night at the house, so that lil cross could be with him. He was still trying to dictate everything concerning lil cross while we were at Debra’s house, which eventually became a problem for Debra. My position was actually very difficult in this situation dealing with another Debra and Kew, but I was on a cloud the majority of the time, so I wasn’t stressing as much. Debra became over bearing eventually, which caused me to eventually snap. I always tried to make things as comfortable and stress less for Lil cross at all times. I didn’t always baby properly but I never wanted him to experience any of the things we were going through. He also the other reason that helped me endure the many trials. Growing up experiencing what I did with my mother and daddy, I never wanted him to experience what I did. I never wanted to become so bitter with Kew to the point where I kept lil cross from him. I understood the importance of a male parent being in their child’s life, so I wasn’t going to allow him to be absent ever, if I could help it, for the sake of my son. I also understood what he had been threw with his other children, losing the opportunity to raise them by way of the mother, so I definitely wasn’t going to purposely do that to him, as I watched my daddy suffer in pain from not being able to be involved with us the way he wanted to, watching another man raise his children, all by the hand of the mother. I believe this may have been one of the reasons why I didn’t want to have sex before I got married, understanding the possibility of having a child before marriage and then end up in a situation where the child could have ended up in a situation like I was in. I resented my mother for putting us through that, and I always said I didn’t want to be like that.

 

So after about 3 months, Debra and I bumped heads because I wasn’t into being told what to do, which was one of the main reasons me and her son had so many problems, so due to my disagreeing with her and my continued “submission” to KEW, which she didn’t like because it went against her rules, I left. By this point, me and lil cross were back and forth to the house, pretty much preparing to move back in. So one day she flipped and put all my stuff outside her apartment. By the end of our stay I had experienced a piece of the Debra I had only heard about. Despite the issues we had, this time in life was and still is a significant part of my walk as a woman of God thus far.

 

When we finally went back to our house, things may have been a little different, but overall it was still a battle. Though I had felt like I elevated in understanding, I still felt like I wasn’t changing enough deep within. It was my responses to him that really showed me I had a lot of work to do, and though I was having spiritual encounters and new revelations I still was in a tough position mentally and even spiritually. So the problem he had was that I just wasn’t put together enough for him. The fact that I had so many issues, become the main focal point for everything. It became the reason for any and everything that went wrong, I became the blame for anything . I would get so frustrated with KEW constantly using the fact of me not being “perfect” yet, as his go to excuse for his behavior towards me. You must imagine as an adult, going from doing whatever you chose to do, to being in a position of attempted submission, humility, and constant correction. Overall I looked at it all being for my good/correction, but it was definitely not pleasurable to me. Remember I grew up defending myself by all means so to have him correct me or express his opinion flaws that he recognized was never something I ever experienced or would have ever allowed. My parents wasn’t even going speak to me all kinds of ways, so to have this masculine man using his masculinity to correct me was a major trigger, exposing the anger within me. Eventually this anger turned into bottlers and resentment, but they way I applied the word of God to view it as being beneficial to me, I “allowed” it. It caused much mental stress but I continued to believe it had possibly for a even positive outcome, as far as me getting to that stature as a woman of God that I desired to be.  

 

Kew was doing a lot of gaming this year, just as much as the year before, so money of mine was still being gambled, which always stressed me out. At times I believed that it was the stress of losing so much money that was the source of our problems. But eventually, I realized that whether he won or lost, I was still going to be causing some type of problem for him. Him going to gamble was also always my time to study or just try to find a peace of mind and relaxation without the stress of having him down my throat. I use to worry about him like he was my child, so either way, whether he was at the house or not, stress was always present. During the beginning of the summer of 2018, I was laying in bed with Lil Cross one weekend and the idea to write a book can to my mind just out of no where. Kew was out of town this day, which was often. The title of the book, along with the outline of what it should be about came to me immediately. “It’s God time” is title. I typed it out in my phone and saved it, believing that it was an idea given to me through the Holy Spirit. I then came up with the idea that I needed to write an autobiography to document the crazy life that I had lived so far. The book “It’s God Time” turned out to be a mini book which I dedicated to all women. This is one thing that I was very proud to complete. Not only did believe the instruction was God sent, but the fact that I actually finished something that I started was I major milestone for me. After I gave up basketball, giving up and not completing things became a trend in my life.

 

Before I move forward I have to speak about the dynamic of our daily lifestyle. I mentioned early that KEW was very particular about things, but I didn’t mention that this was about everything.  Therefore, we lived a very orderly and structured lifestyle. This was familiar to me because growing up, my parents had us on a pretty strict schedule. I didn’t notice how structured our life was at home until I would see how different other households were ran, with absolutely no order. I eventually was against the order because I wanted the freedom other kids had but at the same time I appreciated the order because it wasn’t chaotic in the sense of basic order. So because KEW was so orderly with everything, I became the same way, understanding that it was needed for a daily living and most importantly, order is important to God. Because we had a child now too, the proper schedule for him was one of the main motives as well. Knowledge has been on a strict schedule since he was born. He is a most 6 years old and his schedule is still very structured. Because of this, it made me be on a strict schedule as well. We rarely did things that would interfere with our daily routine, but if we did I didn’t like it. I’ve been so much on a schedule, that I hardly even want to interrupt it. When I have things to do outside of the schedule, it makes me feel uneasy, which to me seems like a unhealthy thing. I’ve been in the routine of working mothering, and trying to elevated in God, never taking any real vacations, that I’ve literally been on auto pilot. I’ve been mostly disconnected from family and friend during this journey, which has allowed me to see even more the importance of structured and order, because without that, I don’t see how order could have been maintained.

 

As far as my eating routine or diet, I ate pretty decent in comparison to how I ate when I was in the world. Unfortunately, I still ate certain meats on the weekends(no beef and pork), but during the week I tried to eat things that were healthy, so that my breast milk was producing well, and so that it would also be more healthy for knowledge. I understand now that certain things I ate, that I thought was healthy, actually wasn’t, but my intentions were right. I still snacked on unhealthy things occasionally but I was very aware and cautious about what I ate. I was a Doritos, honey bun, grandma cookie, sour candy, and ginger ale type of snacker lol臘‍♀️. My health has always been important to me, even though I neglected it for a long time, but now it was even more important because I was a breastfeeding mother and the idea of physical health just aligned with life as a woman of God.

 

 

By the end of the summer, Kew and I was on to the 3rd separation, so I was headed back to my parents house once again. This separation was due to the inability to keep the house we were in. Months prior to the separation, Kew had made a deal with the landlord, who owned the house, to allow us to enter into a rent to own agreement, so we were paying more than double the rent in order to buy the house at a certain price. Eventually we could no longer make the payments so it came to a point where we had to leave the house. He and KEW ran into some personal issues so that caused even more problems. When it was down to the last month that we needed to pay, Kew was out of town and me and Knowledge were at the house. During this time, Grammy was very sick and she still hadn’t seen or met Knowledge, even though she lived right around the corner. Kew didn’t talk to her anymore, so he didn’t want us talking to her, which I felt was not okay. I understand the logic, but I still didn’t agree with the idea of holding a grudge that long. I could hold a grudge but I would always get over it because I hated it, because of my mother holding a grudge against my dad the way she did. Grammy ended up during while Kew was out of town. He didn’t understand how sick she was until she actually died. Before she died, he ended up calling me telling me to randomly take Knowledge to see her. This was so weird that he was telling me to do this, but I didn’t ask any questions m, I just immediately walked him over to see her. This was the first time I had seen Grammy in over 2 years. We would see her sitting on the porch when knowledge and I went on walks around the block, but never close enough to actually see each others face. When we got to her house, she was not looking like her self nor could she even talk. She was always real mean like, but this day her demeanor was completely mellow. We didn’t stay for long because of the condition she was in so I told her the we would be back tomorrow. The next day Grammy seemed like she was headed to recovery. She was completely different from the day before. She was talking and her personality was active, but she was still more mellow than ever before. She was sooo happy to see Knowledge, she stared at him in amazement. It seemed like she needed to see him. The fact that just the day before, it looked like like she was on her last leg, but after we visited her, she gained some life back into her. She talked and played with knowledge showing him so much attention. She was happy to tell him that she was his grandmother, and that his daddy was crazy lol. I was happy to see Grammy to, and she seemed happy to see me also. Her and I never had any problems but she understood that I was going to follow KEW at the end of the day, even though I had no problem with her. We went to visit Grammy everyday for about a week before she died. The day she died was the day KEW finally came back to Aiken from his unsuccessful trip. Him and Knowledge actually witnessed her lifeless body on the floor in her house after she had died. The fact that she was able to meet knowledge before her body died was very pleasing to me. I wish it could have been sooner, but Thank God for the time they did get to spend together.

 

So after they had what we call the “settin up” for her passing, is when I ended I ended up going back home. After the last day before we were technically evicted, which the rent to own agreement being canceled, I moved my things over to Grammies house before went home because we had to be out by August 15th. I ended up putting my notice in at work prior , so it was official that I was leaving. Me and knowledge were still staying at the house but out things were at Grammys house. I believe it was the same day that we moved out of the house on August 15th, that Debra literally threw my clothes out on the ground, after attempted to hit me while she was going crazy, and actually making contact that I would consider a hit. If there was something ever that I feel like I did wrong, there is no reason I would say that, but this was solely persuaded by her stress level and lack of sleep that caused her to act this way. NOTE: She is diagnosed with a mental disorder. All I could say to myself was that I thank God I’m a woman of God, because that would have been a bad night for the both of us if I wasn’t. Becoming a woman of God was the best thing I ever did. Now Imagine being in a city with no blood family no where around you, being pretty much abandoned by your husband, evicted from your house, and now violently kicked out of the spot you were planned to stay for about a week, and now not having anywhere to go. Fam and his wife lived next door, and they witnessed the choas, and they allowed me and knowledge to come stay the night over there. They were familiar with this behavior from Debra so they were very sympathetic. I believe Kew had actually went back out of town a day or two before, with the car my parents gave to me to use, which was the car we both used, so he wasn’t there to assist in no way. My poor Knowledge was always witnessing all of this drama going on, but I always tried to keep a stature that I thought would make him not feel the pain of it. So we stayed one night at Fam’s house. The night it happened I had to call my mother about it and of course she was ready to pull up and fight sumn臘‍♀️. I told her I was coming home, but she didn’t know that I didn’t have the suv yet. Once we left Fam’s house, I had to tell my mother and Dee what was going on with the car. Kew was actually saying to me that he didn’t know when he was going to come back, nor was he telling me where he was. I assumed he was at the same place but I wasn’t certain, because he wouldn’t tell me. The only thing I was upset about was the fact that I had to have them come pick me up. I honestly didn’t think that he would do something like that, but he surprised me for sure. I think I started questioning this man’s sanity at this point. I couldn’t make sense out of it, I had no logical explanation for it. It was dead wrong. So this meant that my parents were had to come and pick us up instead of us just driving home. They came with no problem the very next day. Unfortunately they were ready to press charges on him for stealing the car. I told them he didn’t steal it, so they said it was a breach of trust offense. These folks drove me down to the police station to try and get me to press charges but of course o wasn’t going to do that. This man ain have no license at the time, and he was on probation so that wasn’t even an option. The fact that they thought I would buckle was crazy. So after stressing to them that I wasn’t doing it, we ended up leaving after I was called all kinds of offensive names. I was communicating with Kew the whole time telling him what was going on so that hopefully whatever he had going on would cease. He financially gave up and told me where he was, and my parents drove 4 hours to get the suv. Note: If y’all ain’t stressed out yet by reading my story so far, then praise God because the stress I endured, I wouldn’t want to put that on nobody. But if you are, please forgive me, life just has really been tough for ya girl.

 

So when I got back to Hartsville, I had finally found some peace. I didn’t like staying with my parents, but staying there in this moment was definitely better than the situation I had just left. During and after this long drama filled year, I was in a place of constant prayer and still seeking truth and understanding through the scriptures. Now I was by no means perfect,  being this a holy woman of god nor was I  doing all that I could in order to better the situation through my actions and attitude, so please do assume that, but I was definitely trying and striving to stay grounded and encouraged through the scriptures. The battles that I was facing up to this point, didn’t drive me back into the world at any point. I never thought about giving up and going back, but I actually became for focused on God and my development. It’s like the more “negative” I went through, the more I commit myself to the lifestyle. Note: As far as church, I didn’t attend any. Church wasn’t a part of my walk. Kew was my leader/teacher and the Bible was my guide and teacher. Music was my encouragement and prayer was my comfort. Kew didn’t think church was going to be helpful and neither did I. So I wasn’t the churchy girl type of woman of God.

 

I didn’t really have other people that influenced me or helped me on my walk at this time, other than a few people on YouTube and one lady from my Hartsville. Jeno Jennings and Joy Blair on YouTube we’re two people that I randomly ran into on YouTube. Jeno and Joy were both real raw to me but Jeno was more orderly and structured in his delivery and understanding of the scriptures. Joy was just a regular old lady from the hood who was a seasoned woman of God, with a whole lot of wisdom to offer. I wasn’t really aware of the mass number of people representing God on YouTube until 2018. They were everywhere, but I immediately knew that I didn’t want to get trapped in the world, listening to different people, getting distracted from the hands on work of me studying the word for myself. I found that so  many people were on YouTube talking about what God said, and a prophetic word here, and a message from God there, and it was just too much for me.

 

When I ran across Joy, I was had just stared to try and learn and understand fasting and the importance and benefits of it within the scriptures. I didn’t know much about it at all, but out of nowhere I gained a desire to learn about it. During this time is when I ran into Joy on YouTube, and her message was “Fasting is the Key”. From that day forward I felt like maybe I was being led by the Holy Spirit to implement fasting into my life. I quickly learned that fasting was something that believers should partake in. I started to believe that maybe I NEEDED to fast. Not just because it was something I could do, but something I needed to do to elevate. I started immediately. I didn’t really know how to fast but I knew that in scripture it was food and drinks that people fasted from, so that’s what I did. I believe the very first intentional fast I did was a 3 day no food just water fast. The next one was I think a 1 day dry fast, and the next one was a 21 day all vegetable fast. I alternated between these three fasts for the rest of the year on into the next years.

 

When I went to Hartsville I ended up being able to transfer to another site location of the same program I was working for in Aiken, that was in Florence SC, 30 min from Hartsville, so I was able to continue working  when I got there, which was definitely a blessing. I also ended up getting a promotion when I transferred to this new site, becoming a Site Director which was also so a blessing. Things were about to be different, but I was willing to make it work. Where we didn’t allow anyone to watch knowledge, we now had to accept that that someone outside of us was going to be watching him while I worked. Kew ended up getting back to Aiken somehow and moving into Grammy’s trialer. So my aunt shirley lived my my parents at the time. She was old so she didn’t work, which was perfect for her to keep lil cross for me. She also kept my nephew for my whole my mama and Dee worked when he was visiting, which was for months at a time. I was more comfortable with her keeping him than my mother and Dee because I knew she would follow the instructions I gave her for his daily schedule. Even though he had about a week with his schedule not being as orderly, now that we were in a settling spot, the routine was back in affect. Being that he was vegan, I had to make sure I had all of his food in order each day for aunt shirley. I trusted that she wouldn’t go against his diet, but I couldn’t trust that my mother wouldn’t. One day I walked in the house from letting him stay at the house with her while I went to visit my brother in jail, and I came back and I’m cross had Cheeto crumbs all on his shirt. She had cleaned his hand but forgot to clean his shirt, so she got caught. It’s like she didn’t understand the dangers of giving him some this little body had never had. I had to explain to her how giving him something foreign could literally kill him. I was surprised she didn’t give him a piece of meat. I always got up early to get him ready for the day before I left for work, and as soon as I got home, I took over for the evening, so my day was yet again full and occupied. I always had 2 hours at work before the kids came in, so I used that time and the ride to work to listen to godly music and read the Bible. This time was the next most significant, memorable, and precious time in my walks thus far.

 

Eventually I started to drive to Aiken on the weekends so that lil cross could see KEW, and for the first time, I was away from Knowledge for 24 hours. It actually turned out to be 2-3 weeks at a time that I would leave him in Aiken with KEW. Now that Kew was settled in a place, which was the place he lived at  when I first met him, he felt like Knowledge could come up there now instead of being babysat by someone else. I was nervous about being away from him so long, but eventually, I was ready for the next visits, most definitely because I knew he was safe with KEW, but I became so indulged in the Bible that I didn’t want to spend my free time doing nothing but read and get revelation. Note: Knowledge was raised to call us KEW and Rill just in case you’re wondering why I never refer to Kew as “his daddy”. God is the Only Father/Daddy. The title  Mama and daddy was believed to be looked at by KEW to have unnecessary bonds and negative entitlements, so he felt like him calling us by our names wouldn’t created these unhealthy entitlements. I didn’t agree at first because I had never heard such shit, but Ayer arguing about it, then giving it some thought, it made sense.

 

During this time, I was highly  focused on the Bible and fasting. When Knowledge was with KEW, I literally worked and read the Bible diligently everyday, except on the weekends when I started to travel  to Aiken.  My time outside of work was so consumed with  reading the word of God, that I had no desire to do anything else. I remember finally reaching a point where the reality of the the world was over whelming. Being amongst people became uncomfortable in a sense of me feeling out of place. It was like I was alone in the world. I had literally experienced that feeling of loneliness in the sense of truly being alone in the way I was living. Seemed like everyone around me lived a lifestyle outside of the order of God. Jesus was literally my only friend. I remember crying in my room at my parents house when I first felt the reality of this loneliness. I couldn’t tell anybody about what I was experiencing because it seemed like no one would understand. The knowledge I gained through Kew with confirmation of that knowledge threw scripture, along with other knowledge and understanding I gained straight from the scripture, literally put me in a box from the world. I remember having to force myself to entertain certain conversations the lacked substance, just to not offend the individual. This was one of the most beautiful times of my life. It wasn’t long before I assumed that this separation was divine as well. I now believed that every separation was God’s way of pushing me to the next level, His way of training me, granting time for me to pursue him alone for the shaping and molding of who he created me to be. From this time forward, I looked at every separation as being necessary, and a divine time for me to draw nearer to the knowledge of God and an opportunity for elevation.

 

So this was the longest separation so far, but it surly wasn’t the last. Over the course of this 8 month separation I worked as usual and just did all I could to be healthy in body and in spirit. I remember I encountered my one of my biggest outside of KEW with a woman being aggressive towards me at my job. I had never encountered a situation where I was verbally attacked while on this level of a spiritual high. I learned that being spiritually high, lightens the burden of life, makes you unbothered, totally humbles you, and it keeps in a place of peace that’s separated from the negativities within “reality”. I mark this day very significant because to me it was proof that something had changed in me, which was something I proud of and very thankful to God for. So long story short I was on the tail end of a irate parent, who was upset about a rule that I had no authority to change, concerning money. Y’all know money will bring the evil out within a person. This lady proceeded to completely cuss me out, calling me a bitch in from of the staff and kids, literally acting like she was going to fight me over something I had nothing to do with. My response was so proper, that she had no choice but to leave without any negative response to further assist her behavior. I felt like I was so tight with Jesus that I knew she was going to have to pay for that, most definitely because I responded the way I did. So due to her behavior, she caused her children to get kicked out of the program, leaving her with no after school care for her children, ultimately causing problems to fall upon herself for what she had done. Again, I tell that story just to show how affective the word of God was in my life. Two years prior, if this same situation occurred, I’m almost certain that I would have been in somebody’s jail. The word of God has been the key to my willingness and my desire to endure every adversity that I was faced with.

 

Once it was time to move back to Aiken with my lil family, my supervisor did not want me to leave. NOTE: I have always been a valuable worker. Mrs. Scott who was my supervisor and the lady that hired me for the after school program really set the bar when it came to working. She was like a mother to me. I looked up to her for many reasons. She was first a woman of God, and she truly showed me a picture of the scripture that instructs is to work heartily, as into the Lord, and not unto men. From the days that  I saw her work, I thought of that scripture. She worked so hard, literally running circles around the worker she supervised. I was immediately inspired. I always wanted to excel in whatever I did, so her drive really challenged me. She was at least 60 years old, so I knew I wasn’t going to let her out so me. I wanted to be the one that would come through and give her a break through my work ethics and drive, which I was successful at. Two years later she promoted me to her assistant, and I worked for her for two more years before I went back home for those 8 months working at another site. She knew about the problems I had in the marriage because she was the only person I was really able to talk to. She alway gave me advice but she never judged me or him. She was like a mother, sister, and homegirl. She was married too, so she was share stories with me about when she and her husband use to have problems, and she would always tell me “you just gotta keep on living have faith in God and life will work itself out, and one day you’ll wake up and it’ll be all a thing of the past’” something like that. I always held on to that because I was just ready to reach the end of that road. Unfortunately, she ended up unexpectedly passing away  in 2020. Man was I hurt. She was such a light to many, and literally the life of the party, very confident, and just overall a admirable person.

 

The corporate team did all they could to get me stay. I felt like I was being taken care of by God that it just felt like it was being shown in magnified ways. I was literally offered a lump some of money convincing me to stay but I eventually declined with much influence from KEW of course. When I made the decision to go back to Aiken with KEW, I ended up choosing to leave the suv that I had that I was driving before I came back home(the one that Kew had). I believe it was KEW’s idea, which I was cool with because I personally didn’t want to deal with those ties to them through something they were allowing me to use. I gave them the SUV back before I actually stopped working so because I worked in Florence and Neke lived in Florence, I stayed at her house for like the last two weeks. During these two weeks, I chose to walk to work because no one was available usually to take me which wasn’t a big deal to me understanding that I could just walk. It was about a hour walk. I did this to show gratitude to God for allowing me to be in the proper health to be able to use my feet as wheels to get to work and it was time for me to listen to music and spend time focusing on God/Jesus/Holy Spirit. My sister would pick me up after work because we got off around the same time, so I never had to walk back.I enjoyed it very much. So instead of driving back to Aiken I caught the bus. The day before I caught the grey hound bud, which was at the beginning of January 2019, I got the idea to start a YouTube channel. Now if anybody knew me before this that time of life or even in that present time, they would have known that I don’t do thinks like talking in a camera or doing anything that consisted of recording myself. For example, I was that person on snap chat or any social media platform that didn’t post any type of videos of me talking/recording myself talking, or anything similar. That just wasn’t my thing. I immediately thought that the thought came from the Holy Spirit because I would have never chose to do such a thing. I thought we’ll what in the world would I talk about. I assumed it would be God related things but I could figure out exactly what it would be. I even started that same day just record use talking in the camera and I just couldn’t take it lol, so I just made the YouTube channel and just left it there, never uploading video until 2 years later. There is a time for everything.

 

Now I’m back in Aiken yet again. I literally only packed one book bag for the move, leaving everything else behind.  So here I was traveling back to my “home” away from home, no car, little money (I was still lending Kew money during that 8 months so I could never truly get ahead, hoping that I could find a position available for in the position I was had just left since before I left I worked in the position right under the one I filled in Florence. So thankfully and surprisingly, I ended up working at the same site I had worked at for the past 5 years, but instead I was taking the position of Mrs. Scott because she was no longer going to be working there, which was very surprising. Me Knowledge and KEW were now living in Grammy’s house. The house was passed down to his sister but KEW placed himself there to occupy it. His sister lived in another city, but she now had legal right to the home, but he, and now we, we’re just staying there. It was fully furnished lacking nothing.  Now that I was back around KEW, I was less indulged in the word. All that I had gained over the last 8 months had to sustain me now. It was always very hard to be around KEW and still be in a mind space of peace the way I was when we were separated. Even when I would visit on the weekend before I returned to stay, it was like my energy and the peace that I had gained from my alone time with Jesus, was stripped from me. My focus would immediately turn to KEW and what he wanted or expected from me, and of course Knowledge. It was like I didn’t have time to do anything else but work, mother, her “wife” as best I could. This made me very sad at times. I would feel like I was neglecting God. I didn’t know how to properly balance life in all of these different roles. Back when we were in the house, I had a lot more time to myself as far as being able to study, because knowledge was younger and Kew was gone a lot vs now with him not gambling as much, being more present while I was home. I had to literally force myself to do the things that I was doing back in Hartsville, but that time wasn’t available and the environment was not conducive. We continued to argue occasionally still having a hard time getting a long.

 

Before I started back working with the Quest Zone, my old Job, I worked at restaurant that was owned by Kews aunt in order to have some sort of income until it was time to return to work. I worked here for about a month and a half. I think we ended up getting a car shortly after I had returned from Hartsville, which was a 1998 Cadillac devill that KEW partially got from some lady. I ended up having to pay wayyy more for the car because the title was ponded. My mother actually wA the one who paid the final balance off of it later that year. KEW ended up getting involved with this lady who was married, having sex with her and trying to get her to move in to the trailer with us臘‍♀️. Of course I had no idea he was having sec or even pursuing this lady until one day this man literally had sez with her in the living room while me and knowledge was in the bed sleep. Apparently they were having sex prior to this day, and I was completely oblivious to this. Remember that he was still in that mindset of having multiple wives, and he was still sinning, so to him, he was justified. This was another major event that built bitterness and resentment in my heart towards this man. This and night, he got really sick from drinking too much, apparently they were having a party in the living room. I ended up being the one to assist him during this lil pissy drunken episode. He was down bad, and to be honest I didn’t feel bad for him at all, I looked at it as his reward for what he had just done. Eventually something happened between them and she was gone. I was disgusted with him at this point. He had even began to what I describe as verbally demeaning me while we were living here. It went from us arguing about me not growing fast enough or doing things right in life to him now calling me ever negative thing he could think of. He was still living recklessly at the time so he was doing thing for fun that was definitely unhealthy. He used the scripture about being hot or cold to support his reason for being justified by anything he did that may have been wrong, and of course it made sense to me, so this very scripture is what allowed me to endure all of these things that caused we’re traumatizing. You can probably imagine how I was feeling everyday, but it’s like I had that 8 month experience, just to give me fuel to make it through this next phase of life, ultimately ordained for me to be strengthened even more through hardcore “warfare”.

 

About 4 months into living in Grammys trailer Kews 18 year old niece, his sisters daughter came to live with us right after she graduated high school. It was supposed to be for only a month or two until she left for school, but it did not work out that way. I guess she had rights to the house since her mother owned it, so as soon as she graduated she came to live there. It was 3 bed rooms and 3 bathrooms, so it was definitely enough room. About a month later, one of his cousins and her son moved in also. Lawd! This turned out to be a complete disaster. I was at work most of the day, so I missed out on a lot of things that took place throughout the day so I didn’t really have to deal with them as much as he did. KEW always we’re putting rules in play for the running of the house, but the niece wasn’t trying to hear none of it. Eventually, KEW had a huge argument with his niece and the cousin about something he did, which turned into a big ordeal. That night KEW left the house very upset, very being and understatement. Knowledge of course witnessed it all. He had witnessed so much arguing and fussing in life already and he was only 3. Him and I stayed at the trailer this night while KEW stayed at Mama Bug’s(his step mother)house right up the road. The next day after I got off of work, I came back to the house with my clothes thrown outside on the ground by his niece. Another one of those big test. I couldn’t believe I was facing another situation like this, where before I would have been fighting in a situation like this. Before I was a woman of God I NEVER had nobody cross me or try to “bully” me in such a manner. From Debra, to that divulged parent, to this niece. These were the only times in life I’ve ever been tried like that, and now that I was a woman of God, no longer loving that “I wish a bitch would” lifestyle, I’m being tried heavy. I remember having to literally force myself to feel sorry for her believing that she was going to have to pay for what she did. This lil girl even slick tried to provoke me to beat on her. It took everything in me to not act, and then ask God for forgiveness later. I remember telling her that she was lucky that I’m a woman of God, and that she really don’t know me lol, Lawd. That was the humblest thing I had in me to say. Her demeanor towards me in that moment was as if she thought I was some timid scary lil girl, having no idea who I was before just a few years before . I saw myself really hurting her for what she did, I’m thinking right now about how in the hell I let that slide lol, so I KNOW it was nobody but God. I was even a lil salty with God for that one, because all I could think about was me looking super weak, which was something I despised my whole life. But any way, I forgave her, Deborah, the that parent. I felt like I had endured thus far within the marriage that was much more humiliating, so surely I could handle those challenges better.

 

The next day after this happened, we immediately moved in with Mama Bug. The days before the niece threw my clothes on the ground, I think KeW was actually at mama bugs house for those few days. Of course KEW was the one that asked her if we could stay there until I got an apartment and she agreed. I think I met mama bug early in my pregnancy or maybe before.  We were real cool. She gave Knowledge the name Juice when he was a baby, which she still calls him today. Though biologically she isn’t the his grandmother, she definitely played the role. Her and Lil Cross has a nice relationship just as Lil Cross and Debra.

 

Me KEW and knowledge all shared a vacant room that she had, sleeping on the floor. She kept a very clean house so the environment was comfortable. I was yet again in another embarrassing situation, being homeless, living In someone else’s house. Mama bug made us feel comfortable, and she understood the battle I was facing dealing with KEW, as she felt like she understood my position after being married to his dad, who she always said he acted just like. Lil Cross was content to because he always enjoyed going to Mama Bugs house anyways, so to be there all the time was a pleasure for him. I was so tired of moving. I had moved about 7 times over the course of about 3 years, not to count all the moving I had to do every year while I was in college.

 

A month into the stay with Mama Bug, KEW left again. This time it was more serious than them all. It wasn’t due to anything new, it was the same old arguing and disagreeing, and me not ceasing to express all of my feelings about how he was dealing with me. I would cuss and yell and back at him just as he did me, but only he would be extremely aggressive. He always made threats about him leaving and going to jail, and how jail would be a better place for him than being around me. This usually was the thing he that would make me calm down. I can’t even explain property in writing how he would use wise words and “threats” to control or dictate my decisions. I would say things often to him about how he was trying to control me, and how I don’t like that, and he always had some reason, whether it was scripture, or simply wise analogies to prove why I was wrong. It would get me every time, but I was going to argue about and be upset no matter if I made it make sense, or made it to seem justifiable. He always called me crazy, stupid, and retarded. Smh. He called every single person crazy so that was expected, but when he started using all the other words that really pissed me off. I agreed that I may have been a lil crazy but stupid and retarded I NEVER agreed with. To this day, he still calls me that, and I still have a problem with it. He always say when HE say those things it means something different. These simple words, always ate my confidence up. This man broke me down so much with his words that I could barely stand the to hear him speak to me a certain way. It was almost like my ability to endure was getting weaker, making me respond even more aggressively towards him.  So he ended up leaving cutting off all communication for about A month or more, until he reached a point where he needed assistance.

 

When KEW left, I had asked Deborah to watch Knowledge while I worked, because she was really the only option. She was the only one that KEW really trusted to watch him. Knowing the situation, she agreed. To me, her and KEW are a lot alike in many ways and has some of the same styles of living, so she understood the way knowledge was being raised. She lived about 25 minutes mama away from mama bug, so I had to drop him off there everyday before work . I was driving the Cadillac at the time, which rode fine at this time, with some issues.This separation didn’t bother me because I figured it was just time elevation/growth. I began to feel like God would get jealous because when KEW was around, I was more focused on him than He. Anytime we were not separated, it was like KEW came between me and what I would call my relationship with God. The same man who helped me choose the life under God, was the one who seemed to keep me distracted from him.

 

When KEW finally came back, he didn’t come back to stay with us a mama bugs House, he went to stay with one of his homeboys. As soon as he got back, I no longer had to take Knowledge to Debra, he was back on duty. He always wanted and made sure that Knowledge was taken care of as best as possible, but was always willing to leave both of us if he got upset enough. The scriptures had me going through it with this man. I forgave him for anything I felt he did wrong to me, so anytime he ever came back from somewhere or got back together, I still tried to be a proper wife to him, but of course I was the worst to him.

 

 

After three months at Mama Bug’s house, searching diligently for a place to live, spending money on application fees having to pretty much give money away, I finally found an affordable and decent looking apartment. It wasn’t exactly when I excepted when I first committed to it, but I still moved forward with it. The apartment had some new renovations but it ended up having a ceiling leak, which ended up being a problem in the future, so I ended up filing a law suit against them for not fixing it. It wasn’t successful. Knowledge was three when we first moved here, and this is actually the location that he has the most memories from. It was in October 2019 when we moved in. I was so ready to finally be in our own spot again. Right before we moved in, I had purchased/(financed) brand new beds and living room furniture for the first time ever. Everything I had at the first house was hand me downs. I did shop for a mattress for my first apartment, but the bed a bought was used, this the purchase of this new furniture furniture was an important milestone as well as the apartment itself. Although I was very thankful for the move, the problems followed us within the marriage. We continued to go through some of the same things, but on a greater scale of intensity. We still had days and weeks where things were cool, meaning we got along fine  but one “bad” day outweighed 10 “goods to me.

 

Note: While we were living with mama bug, KEW made the decision to become a man of God again. He wasn’t a man of God the entire time that we had been together thus far, but he was still representing and promoting God and the lifestyle, remember he was the influence for my escape from they lifestyle of sin, through the act of sin. “Ain’t that sumn”, in the voice of Knowledge. He always talked about that day he will be a man of God again or “2we1ve”, and it was something I never expected to take place so soon. He always talked about it as if it wouldn’t happen until way in the future, well at least that’s what I perceive from the talk. I was very glad about this not only because I thought it was going to end our problems, but I was ready to see how he would be now, which I hoped for for him for a long time.

 

Note: Every place we lived together, starting @ the first house, I would experience some type of heart break that would literally make me feel like I was going to literally go crazy, mentally, because the mental stress that I would experience from the situation being so overwhelming. But it seemed like no matter what I went through, it just wouldn’t break me. The best way I can describe what I felt in these moments was if I was drowning and I could feel myself dying but then somehow I posses this ability to breath under water, so now I just have to feel that pain of drowning but unable to die because of the ability to breath under water unaware. It was crazy. It was like my  my mind wasn’t allowing me to be as affected as I thought I should be based on the dynamic of the situation, like God was fighting the battle, but I was just on the field taking all the licks.

 

Note: This relationship started to remind me a lot of my child hood. As I stated previously, when I was a kid, I was very quiet and shy, afraid of talking a lot of times at home just for fear of getting in trouble or being yelled at by Dee. Dee was very intimidating in his demeanor and so was KEW. I felt like I had no voice as a child, unless I was arguing or something because my parents didn’t allow us to express ourselves or question anything they said. Asking questions about anything they enforced was never okay, it was just do what I say and close your mouth type of parenting. I was traumatized by Dee’s yelling and the used to intimidation used to raise raise us. It had become very similar to this with KEW. To me yelling and acts of intemidatiom and fear imposing threats/warnings would be the main  action used in different circumstances. Dee was just overall intemidating, but KEW did extreme things to intimidate me. He would t call it that but I do. He would yell and scream and break things or punch holes in the wall. It had finally reached a point where he actually got physically aggressive. Before it would get to that point, sometimes it would be due to the fact that I wouldn’t keep silent while or after he would verbally criticize me with extreme harshness. Just like Dee, he expected me to just take whatever he said, without expressing any type of negative response, but surely I could not. The fact that he expected me, as a grown woman, to not react to him yelling and screaming, mean demeaning things to me, over and over was beyond me. I also never wanted him to think that I was afraid of him just because he was a man acting in that manner, so as I always did from child hood, I defended myself. I understood the expected modesty and meekness and gentleness of a woman of God, but for me to be all of that while a big ass man is straight verbally dragging and dominating you with his masculinity, was not in my natural native to do. I had never practiced that. Dee had never even been THAT aggressive, in fact Dee was never aggressive like that so fight of flight was always my immediate response with him because i always felt attacked by him. He would say that if I just shut up and let him pretty much “verbally attack me”, then things would be better. Once again I was trying to be silence through intimidation. I believe he thought that if he treated me that way, then it would make me want to “do better”, but in actuality it created  more traumatic memories making me resent him and eventually gain a desire to leave the marriage. Though I never wanted to leave, I just  wanted to be free from the daily burden that I was enduring. The fact that I wasn’t dealing with people outside of him and my son, other than while I was at work, I became expectant of negativity between us. I was sick of it. By the time I we were in the apartment and I had experienced things that would have never imagined experiencing, I was ready to call it quits. I wanted a way out that was approved by God, because it burden was like a sick person never getting any pain relief. I had accepted the fact that I was never going to be good enough for him or his mission and I was content with being  “married” to Jesus, because I knew he wouldn’t treat me like that. But he had even made me fearful to leave, like if I did, I was going to die or be punished. I had even accepted never being married again if I left, understanding that the scripture only permits you to remarry if your husband dies. I was tired. I always prayed/talked to God because it’s all I always had that no one could take away from me or judge me for doing. I always did it in secret and it’s what brought me the most comfort. I feel really bad for my so son having to watch me go through that, and possibly having having to deal with it when he grew up understanding how these type things in a home effects the health of the child. He had two parents who were living for God, being poor representatives for the Godly order that was preached daily. The only thing at this point that kept me around, was truly hope that it was all still a part of the process to reach the end goal and the desire to have lil cross be raised with both parents under a Godly order that I believed KEW was still pursuing. It was easier to accept certain things when KEW was walking as a sinner, but now that he was a man of God again, having been one before, I never expected him to be even more emotionally aggressive than he had ever been. It wasn’t making sense to me. When I imagined his demeanor as a man of God, I had a completely different expectation, so I felt let down and bamboozled.

 

Before we went into 2020, we took a trip to Florida in the old problematic Cadillac. Surly this was not my idea and surely I did not want to go, nor did I want to drive that car. The headlights were broke, it ran hot, the battery connector was bad, and it had a problem with the security system that would prevent it from cranking up. We had been taking these types of trips since knowledge was about 3 and I never liked them. It was mainly a trip for KEW that was supposed to be a “vacation” for us, but it was nothing but stress to me. Knowledge always enjoyed, but I never felt right about them. So once the trip ended in Florida, and it was time to go back home, KEW decided to to go Mississippi from Florida instead of going back to the house. Omg my poor blood pressure I’m sure shot up. I always tried my best not to be a party pooper but I just couldn’t handle the stress of these trips. The reason for them just weren’t right and they and most of them seemed to be in the wrong toning. This trip was supposed to determine whether we would divorce or not, which would mark the 4th separation. To him, if he won, then that meant we didn’t divorce, but if he did, then that was divorce worthy. I don’t even know how he came up with that to be the deciding factor, but I wasn’t surprised because regardless of the problem, he based reason for him winning or losing on whether or not I was “acting right”. So to make a long story short, he lost. Which meant we lost all of the funds that we had臘‍♀️. We were in Mississippi broke. Had food for knowledge and food stamps, but we were broke. Debra ended up sending $50, I assume she felt like we needed it, which we used for gas to get back. I remember being in the bathroom,  sad crying about this divorce and this tall older black security guard lady, came in the bathroom while I was in there @ like 3:00 in the morning, and just talked to me and comforted me in that moment. I remember telling her how mad I felt for my son, and she was telling me how she had to raised three sons by herself and to not worry about him being without his dad, because God will always be there to step in.(Something like that). She hugged me and I just thanked God for that moment.

 

KEW’s plan now was to go to jail to I guess start the divorce process. He planned to go turn himself for child support. Long story short, he ended so getting sick in a matter of like 20 min after eating something that he had brought out of the Casino. Me and Knowledge were in the car while he did what he had to do, so we were waiting for him before we left. While he was getting ready to call the cops to turn himself in, he literally got sicker and sicker. I mean he was weak, coughing, sore, and he was throwing up. I could not believe he had gotten sick like that so fast, most definitely because he never would get sick. It was so strange to me but I felt like it was God punishing and protecting him at the same time. I thought the man was dying the way he was acting in that car. We were suppose to leave him there before he ended up getting sick, but that last time he came back to the car was when he literally couldn’t move himself from

the car. He still wanted us to leave him while he was sick, but I refused to. I pretty much told him we were t leaving until he was better, if jail was really what he wanted to do. At this point I didn’t even care about the divorce, I was worried that this man was this sick. I was his care taker that morning for sure. We were out there for so long, that I told him that I was driving him back to Aiken, and if he wanted to go to jail there then I’ll take him. He could barley even talk, and he really wasn’t even competent to make a decision. So as he and Knowledge slept, I proceeded to drive us back to SC, off of little to no sleep, which was an 8 hour drive. After about 4 hours of on the road, he finally woke up, we stopped to get some food and drinks.(I probably had a few bucks stashed somewhere). He was a little better now but still experiencing those same symptoms. By the time we got in Aiken, he was a lot better, but still feeling sick. He was still adamant about going to jail, so instead of going that same day, he rested in the bed until the next day,  and I drove him right on down that evening. The divorce we active, and me and knowledge were on our own again, and I was ready for the elevation through yet another separation.

 

January 1st 2020 Kew was in jail, and me and knowledge had the house to ourselves. I was back on my separation routine, ready for new revelation and growth within myself. This time we were actually “divorcing”. He had no plans on returning, he had chose a to leave the marriage and Knowledge. Note: By the second separation, I always “felt it had an “incline” like we would be back together, even this time. It never looked that way naturally but it was like I just knew. Now I had to ask Debra to watch Lil Cross again while I worked, but she wanted me to start paying her to watch him, which I wasn’t trying to do period. I was willing because it was my only option, so eventually I did. However, before I dropped KEW off to the detention center, I felt the need to quit my job. I didn’t share this with him but, I felt like it was time for me to move on from that Job. I had been there for 6 years and I just had a strong desire to leave. I assumed it may have been what I was supposed to do. I also had the desire to not have to work another job that required me to be away from my son, actually I only wanted to work for myself, but I was willing to work an at home job also. I also didn’t want to have to worry about anybody watching my child, which I was never comfortable with. KEW was the only person that needed to be watching him outside of me as far as I was concerned, but unfortunately, that had to be compromised a few times.

 

Note: KEW has been a great parent thus far. Some things I may not have agreed with, but overall he has been top quality. He encouraged me to breast feed, he set knowledge’s diet up for him to be as healthy as possible(vegan from birth), he prepped knowledge to walk @ months, and he was extremely attentive and careful tablet any and everything concerning Lil Cross. Where I thought I was overly protective, he was 10 times that. He was adamant about him reading and writing which he made sure he was able to do early. The foundation of everything was Bible based, so I could never be against that. It has always been important to me that lil cross be raised by him and with him in the home regardless of any of the difference we had.

 

Debra watched Lil cross for two weeks before I ended it. I had already made the decision to resign from my job and just let God take car of us. I wasn’t concerned about money, because I believed he would provide for us. He always took care of me when KEW was gone, without fail. My faith was always greatest when KEW was gone so I was just ready to see how he was going to do it. I put in my two weeks notice right after I ended it with Debra. It gave me an even more confidence that I was supposed to be quitting, because even if I didn’t, I was going to have to end up ending it with Debra. She had flipped on me yet again, so I refused to continue letting her watch my child or pay her anything else. I ended up having to ask Mama big to watch him for those last two weeks, which was very inconvenient for her because when I went to work, she was getting off from a 3:00 am shift so she usually went to sleep when she got off, and I never wanted to but that burden on her, but Thankfully she did it with no problem. The cooperate team and supervisor tried to convince me to stay, and even offering a raise for me to stay, but my decision was made, I was done. My last day was January 31st 2020.

 

Kew wasn’t writing or calling at all in January, but in February I got a call from him. Note: January 1st  I posted my first YouTube video, sharing my story of being  molested as a child, which was the first time it was exposed to the world outside of KEW. My family had no idea, which was one reason I felt set apart as a child with many questions , understanding that no one knew this about me. I believe I wrote him a letter first, pretty much expressing that I would still always be there for him, and at the end of the day under the order of scripture, I was his wife regardless. As usual, as always reflected back on everything that took place between he and I, and though I was upset and bitter with him, I always felt remorseful. I would reflect on the “Q wit uh K” and some how, that person I remembered would outweigh this aggressive masculine, irritable, man that clearly expressed that I wasn’t what he desired in a woman, and that he just wanted to offer his help. None of that mattered to me, because my purpose for pursuing the relationship from the beginning was much greater than how he felt about me personally. It definitely was important to me, and affected me, but I was going to pursue my goals God’s order with or without him at this point. There was a time where I believed I needed him, but the more time passed, I learning to trust God more than I trusted him or anybody.  

 

So after I wrote the letter, I think I received a phone call way later. I think he had actually written me one also, but I didn’t receive it until very late. From there we communicated almost as much as we were able. By March 1st I had gotten him out, and we were officially starting over. When he got out he seemed a lot more humbled and he expressed how he was ready to erase whatever alt he had previously, and move forward. His actions for about a week seemed to match his words, but it wasn’t long before we were back into it. I was ready to start over but I was still not totally over the last. It was like it was engraved in me to be expect him to be the same ol way. I was so familiar with the drama, that I still moved like I knew it was going to be any moment before he was irritated and in satisfied with me and anything he thought was “perfect”.

 

I had adopted a new by him before he came home, with was Treale, so that’s who I was to him now.

 

When I realized he was getting out, I ran to try and get a job. My faith had dwindled. I ended up working with kids again, except these kids had behavior issues. However, two weeks of training, the facility shit down to Covid-19, so I applied for unemployment while I tried getting another job, which was the company that Mrs. Scott was working for. I only chose to apply there because I was willing to follow her anywhere she went, work wise. Before I ever even got hired, Mrs. Scott died unexpectedly. I was scheduled to see her the day after she had died. As stated previously, I was shocked super bothered by her passing.

 

I was hired about a month after I applied and started working on May 4th 2020. The name of this company, where I am currently(2022) , still employed. I work with individuals that have intellectual disabilities and spinal cord injuries. I honestly didn’t think I would be working another job after I had resigned, believing that God will provide a business or at home job, so that I would be available to homeschool and be more present with Knowledge while make a a great amount of money to sustain us financially, BUT, I ended back in the fields of slavery. Mine and KEW’s role continued to be reversed, me working, with him @ home taking care of Knowledge. I can say that a change was noticed within everything we had going on, both  “good” and “bad”.  We still had the Cadillac when I stared this new job, and it had more complications than ever before. By the end of the summer, it was completely down.

 

I have to shout out my former souls neighbor La’Quincia Austin. Now no matter how much we talked or spent time together, we never ceased to be there for one another. She was actually the only person I was still tied to. Her and KEW were really cool, so it made it easier for us to never real separate. I still talked to Tia and my sister Neke too but nothing that was too regular. I would say this was on account of mainly the scriptures stating the importance of being separated from the world and really lacking any desire of being entangled. No one really had personal insight of the dynamic of my life at this point, but Quincy definitely had some. I would express the difficulties of my life and being married to KEW, because I felt that she would understand better than anyone because our relationship was built in us understanding one another and being being connected mentally on a a greater level. I never could go into detail about specifics because I didn’t thing I needed to nor did I believe it was proper to do so as a married woman. Anyway, anytime I needed anything I could call Quincy and she would be there. We had grown up together pretty much, taking care of one another so it was just natural for us to be there for each other. The only thing o ever really needed though, was her car, or a ride. Before I asked her for help getting to work, I chose to walk. I could have asked her earlier but I intentionally chose to. I walked because again, it was my way of showing Hod that I was thankful to be axle to walk, and to remind myself that at the end of the day, I had to get to work, so if I ever ended up not having a ride, I hAd to be willing to walk, I had a son home and several bills so I couldn’t afford to miss any days. I did that for about a month before I asked Quincy to take me. She just let me drive her car and says that she could take me, I still would walk. Walking for me was always a very humbling, and I used that time to focus on the things of God. Eventually I was allowed to take one of our work vehicles home, which was a great blessing. I had searched and applied for car loans but I was unsuccessful so many times. It was the money needed to be put down that was the main issue, along with the mileage of the vehicle. Eventually I just gave up and told myself that I would just get one when it was time. I was tired of the stress so I just became content with not having one. If we needed to go to the grocery store, we just walked since it was so close to the apartment. We also rented vehicles as well so that was available to us as well for about a month. By December 5 2020, was able to miraculously get approved for a brand new 2021 Kia Forte, $0 down. That was nobody but God S far as I’m concerned. That was my first car that I  ever financed from a cat dealer ship. That was a big deal for my family, giving that cars was one of our major struggles, so to have a brand new car was big but yet so humbling. When I started to drive the car, I remember literally looking for people to pick up that was walking, understanding that struggle, being in that same position just a days and weeks before. Unfortunately I had a new bill but I didn’t doubt that God would make a way for me to continually make the payments, was way higher than my budget.

 

2021

 

In February of 2021 I caught the world wide plague after working an overtime shift at a site outside of my usual work place. I had to be quarantined at this house because I had worked there the prior posts weekend after they discovered someone had it at that location, so I was pretty much forced to work their for the next 14 days even though I didn’t have it. About 3 days after working there with the individual that did in fact have it, but was quarantined in the house, I felt my change. It had been going around throughout the agency badly during this time, and I ended up getting caught in the rotation. The very first day I noticed that I was very sore and tired, which I contributed to just being over worked because I was working so much overtime over the past few weeks and also this same week. When I woke up the next day from feeling very sore and tired, I felt better. However, later that day while at work I noticed that I could smell the Lysol that I was spraying and was alarmed. I then proceeded to taste something to see if I could still taste and for use I couldn’t. I then took my temperature and it was ikr 99.8, and from there I knew I had to have it. The crazy thing is, is that it occurred after I decided to wear the 4 whatever masks that they had recommended, along with the protective gear when I had to enter the area of the infected person. The next day I got tested and it was positive. I had a slight runny nose this day but I felt perfectly fine and I had no other physical pain or symptoms outside of the loss of taste and smell. This was so frustrating to me, but I was glad I felt healthy still. I lost my taste and smell for about 1 month before I finally started getting my smell back. I did the burnt orange and cinnamon remedy, whir the inhaling of the orange peals, eating lemons, and sniffing essential oils. I remember about two days after using those remedies the first meal I had that I could actually taste was some oatmeal and blue berries. I didn’t pass it to KEW or Knowledge which was definitely blessing. I tried to wear the mask in the house around Knowledge but eventually that was just not happening, but again I was thankful that no one else caught it from me.

 

Note: For the last 8 years I have had very stressful birthdays. It’s like every birthday was set up for problems to occur. I wasn’t big on birthdays at all but it was something about the 28th birthday that made me appreciate life on a whole other level, but I couldn’t enjoy this moment because I was that overwhelmed with the problems at home. I expressed this overwhelming feeling to a lady at work, crying because that day was the first day I had experienced that a joy life that because of a birthday. The reality of me getting older was setting in and I was overwhelmed with joy. Unfortunately I was going through some of my toughest battles at home, so by the time I got home the celebration I was experiencing within was over. I think that day was full of arguments as well. I had been called stupid, retarded, slow, dumb, fat, crazy, weak, horrible, selfish and just anything negative by KEW that I would get chest burning mad with him. It was like he knew exactly what he was doing, and he wanted me to feel exactly how I was feeling. I could no longer justify his behavior with scripture or with the person I had known from the very beginning. It was one day he literally spit in my face, on purpose, after I told him he spit on me while he was yelling in my face. Right after that, he purposely spit in my face just to show me that he didn’t care about whether he spit on me or not. He felt like whatever he was yelling about, to prove a point about me being wrong about something or doing something that was wrong. I thought this was it this day, but every time I even had the thought to leave, all I could do was think about Lil Cross, and it would remind me of my purpose for never leaving before. I still hoped to see the desired end of what I had invested my whole life into, but I was getting more incapable of enduring the fight. I was in a choke hole pretty much. My son would tell me how it made him sad, and that made me sad because no matter how hard I tried to “just stfu” when he corrected me, or stop masking mistakes, or stop having flaws, it just wasn’t happening fast enough for him. Pleasing this man  seemed near impossible, and it didn’t matter what I did, right or wrong, the way this man expressed his feelings towards me was worse than anything I ever witnessed in real life before and it seemed like nothing I did could override it at the end of the day. I still believed he cared at the base of things, which was possibly why he acted that way, but he had me totally convinced other wise. There are other things that took place between us,  that was very wrong to me, but to him was right, but to spare the details,  I’ll just say, it was BAD. I would tell him how the things he did affected me that I felt to be wrong, and he expressed that he had no care for how it made me feel but that I should just fix myself and learn to shut up. Note: I am very emotion driven and passionate about the things I believe in, and that’s anything I find to be right. By no means do I stand and a position to say I never did anything wrong, but to I do feel like the treatment was going too far. I don’t like to argue, but with HIM I would,  because I always feel like I was being backed into a corner by him. I get criticized for expressing myself in any manner that is not completely meek, defending myself, or anything that involves me going against him in any way, even if it was about how harshly he dealt with me. My opinion and feelings never mattered to him, it was about me being able to respond to him showing no emotion for how he treated me. To this day, I have not accepted or mastered responding to him emotionless, when I feel he speaks to me overly aggressive or says anything to me that I feel is demeaning, which he does majority of the time. I understand that there is a better way to respond to all of this, as a woman of God but unfortunately I’m not there yet. I always said that in these days, he’s literally the only person that pushes me to the point of showing body language like rolling the eyes and frowning, which is something he feels is the worst thing to do, though it is only when he is drilling me about something he can prove me to be wrong. At this point in time, being almost 30 I just don’t understand why he still feels like that type of behavior is still needed to make me “perfect”. I still fail in being the ideal woman, mother, and person that he desires to be connected to but, I get up everyday striving to be better and better.

 

2021 was probably the most productive year we had, but unfortunately it was one of the toughest for me. I started my first business this year, which was a cleaning service business, Heaven Sent Cleaning Service. I got this idea one random day just hanging around the house, thinking of a way I could make extra income through a legit business. I had started driving Uber to make extra money but that didn’t last long because of my schedule. I was determined this year to have some type of business started. I also came up with a hair business idea to only natural hair styles and natural hair care, but it wasn’t a registered business, it was just something I decided to create because doing hair was already a “business” that I had, I just never gave it a name. KEW also started a business, which was a transportation service. He used the the new car to run this business, so that is what it turned into, a business car. When I chose to start the cleaning service business, my target clients were, busy working moms with children and business. I felt like my ability to clean would not only provide a top quality cleaning service, but it would give the client a dependable and trustworthy person to help create a refreshing environment, who understood the importance of cleanliness. I purchased business cards very soon after registering the cleaning business. I had my first client within a month. I had no prior experience of how a cleaning business worked but I did research about it to inform myself of how others ran there’s. I had an idea of how I would handle mine, and how I would price them, but KEW ended up stepping in, deciding the prices and fees for extra services which is still the base of the price description template today. He later added other rules and fees and breakdowns of the service to the template, after the first client. I passed out business cards throughout the city, which wasn’t something I really enjoyed doing. It was the approaching random people getting the weird stares for me. It was a time that I would walk up to random people in a store and telling them about Jesus, just to challenge myself for times where I would need to approach and talk to random people like this, but this was more difficult, I was drunk in Jesus then lol. I think it was more difficult when I was passing them out in the city, when I was with KEW because he would make me feel like I was doing something wrong by not running up to every person I saw handing them a card in the grocery store, in the parking lot, anywhere pretty much. The vibe was always real weird, but I forced myself to do it. I liked to do it on my own though, not with him trying to watch me while I pass them out. He micromanaged everything he could, and I didn’t like that at all. I never liked being closely monitored. I always needed my personal space and alone time but with being involved with him, this never existed. I felt like I was a child again, always trying to find some alone time. I needed this time the way I was built, to rejuvenate my mind and refocus, but to him this was pretty much a crime to do. Just like people use mediation and exercise to “balance” their emotions mental health, I needed some time alone to get this relief.

 

 So over the next couple of months we worked on promoting and building the business constantly. I had gained about 6 consistent clients and some calls for one time gigs and several potential clients that didn’t like the price or the complication of the pricing so turned down the service after getting the walk through. I was very busy for a period of time. I worked full time, did cleaning jobs right work w on scheduled days, and still worked overtime when I was available to do so, and tried to make time to be available for lil cross when I got home and on the weekends. Kew built the JoYrYde business through out the year and eventually it was also busy.

 

Later in the year, we had divorced again. Note: KEW, now known as Qisreale, was always the initiator of the divorcing and separating. Right before the verdict, this particular time, I remember I was in the car with him and another JoYrYder(a man) and he started calling me dumb and stupid and all those name a he usually did in private, and I was appalled. I felt like he was proud to be saying those things to me and I felt like he was doing it to really get me to flip. I always felt like he provoked me in order to get me to respond a certain way so that he’ll have a reason to express whatever he was already feeling. Whether I’m wrong or not about what I assume, this is how I felt. I had never felt so humiliated in my life. It’s like he had planned to do that before I had even gotten in the car, because we were already having problems before he picked me up from work this day. It had something so do with me not doing something. Note: My goal is to never make excuses for myself, which he always claim I do, but my goal is to simply create a way for my position and point of view to be considered. I grew up believing to have had a photographic memory, to smoking so much and noticing that my short term memory was failing, so it wasn’t uncommon for me to forget things in the midst of my life. I could have done better with writing notes or setting alarms, which I did, but I was just overwhelmed. I handled almost EVERYTHING business related because everything was in my name. KEW would give me task after task to do, pertaining to any type of business he felt needed to be done, which was often time consuming, so when I forgot to do something it just caused so many problems. He would ask me things like “it’s too much for you to handle” “ if you can’t handle it just say sumn and I’ll take over”, in a condescending type of way. This would bother me so much because again I couldn’t understand why he didn’t understand that with me working all day, working overtime, and handling anything I had to handle outages of the things he was giving me to do, that it could get overwhelming and forgetting to do something was very possible. He made the fact the I forgot things and major focal point, which I did forget things, which I don’t thing was as extreme as he made it to seem. He had talked about it so much that you would literally think that I was forgetting my own name or something. I would tell him no it wasn’t too much but the over pressure automatically applied by him was too much. It was like we were competing against each other in life, but yet on the same team. I was very confused a lot.

 

Note: I know it may seem like my life was all about KEW, but technically he was literally the human influence of my life. We were all entangled.

 

This day that he humiliated me on front of this man, i txted him telling him how I felt about what he did and he made like it was no big deal to him. I continued to send him messages about how wrong he was and what I felt like he was trying to do, and by the time he got back, it was on. I was so mad that I didn’t want k hold nothing back. We fussed and argued for hours that night, until eventually he called the divorce. He then went on Facebook, dragging me to the world, and sharing it individually to people he knew. He stepped the humiliation up. I best thing I could have done, was deal with those emotions after I got out that car with him and that man, and calm down, and continue on with life, but nope he had stepped his game up a notch. He was ready to publicly bring shame to me with no remorse, and I just felt it sitting in the backseat of that car. But as usual if nobody was going to defend me, I WAS. It’s unfortunate that I grew up to be that way, but KEW was able to push me to that mode, no matter how much I prayed or fasted.  There was one time that whatever he dod to me, I drew my fist up immediately to hit him, and I literally had no control over that, that fight or flight had jumped to a level it never had before. I wasn’t quick enough to stope that reflex of me drawing back to swing on him, but I could control whether I followed through with it. It happened so quick that I had surprised myself. This reflex was entangled within me so, anything powerful enough could have made me do that. But anyway, that was the end of the marriage, and I believe a few days later, he was out of dodge again. I had to take off of work, and I was prepared to quit because I refused to have to beg or pay anybody to watch my child while I worked.

 

NOTE: KNOWLEDGE AND ME♥️

Knowledge and I grew to have a  that special mother and son relationship. Being that he was raised so different, I had to adjust my natural affection because certain things wasn’t cool with Kew. Like saying mama, or saying baby, or being extra mushy. I was this way with kids period, but that wasn’t how Lil cross was going to be raised. I always imagined how I would be as a mother, but that idea was altered once I  got pregnant. I had to be careful not to be to affectionate or too “motherly” because KEW didn’t think that was okay. It was like the bond between us was being dictated. However,  I think the bond between a mother and a breast feeding baby is hard to disturb. Knowledge was very clingy and free at the same time. He spent his entire all of his time around us, so he became very attached. He was like any baby with their mother, always happy to see mama and always wanting to be around her. If I was t working at anytime of his life, I was spending time with him. I was and am his play mate and go to person for everything. All he want to do it play play play lol. As soon s I walk through the door, it’s time to shift over to entertaining and playing with knowledge. He never did and still doesn’t understand the fact that I get tire and I don’t always have a lot of energy. I spend a lot of time trying to get him to understand that I be needing to take a lil break lol, but that don’t mean much to him. Knowledge was raised to grow up very fast, so at 6, he is really like a little man. I can’t even talk to him like I would talk to any other 5 or 6 year old, I have to damn near talk to him like he grown, frfr. Kew raised hiM to be this way. He talks to me just how I talk to him, which is just a part of the freedom he has and the way he was raised. Lawd we argue like brothers and sisters sometimes because he literally doesn’t realize that 5 years old is not a lot of time have been here, so he thinks he knows more than me. He is a taking after KEW in a lot of ways. He is too smart for his little body. Playing outside has always been the choice of play for us. Outside is his favorite place to be, unless it’s a game somewhere he can play. He became a lil game head, which was through KEW, but he was banned from playing his game system so he hasn’t played that in months. Him and KEW are real cool, and just like me, he looks up to him a lot. He’s watched how Kew treat me, so he sometimes say and do things to me that he’s hears KEW say thinking it’s okay for him to say because he thinks anything he donor say is right, except when things are said or done to him. It was one time where he never got popped or whooped, but Kew changed that up real quick as he got older. Kew set the rule that I was not allowed to pop him, so I have never spanked or popped knowledge. It doesn’t even seem right to be hitting him, so it’s never been a problem for me, but he does take advantage of it because he know that even if he act up with me, I’m not going to hit him, verse KEW, who’ll hit em quick. Lil cross is my reminder of God’s grace, and my daily motivation. He humbles me daily and teaches me, he is my most cherished gift. He is so hilarious, he’s smart, he’s sneaky, hard headed, bold, optimistic, emotional, social, out going, playful, and he has an overall wise nature.

 

Okay while I’m off for these next toe weeks, which ran into Lil Cross’s fifth birthday, I did what I always did during separation. I sought understanding through scripture and did things to build my faith, strengthen myself, and give lil cross the attention he needed, making sure he was taken care in all areas. This time around I was so excited for this separation. I looked forward to no longer being stressed out and no longer stressing him out. I was happy too because I knew that it was time for some growth and shoot I had missed those time of focus and peaceful space I would be in when we were separated. He made it clear this time, that this was it, but I felt like I  knew again that that that wasn’t so. I honestly was kind of disappointed that I had got this same incline, but I was going to enjoy the time being “divorced”. Before the two weeks was up, he was back again, however the reconciliation didn’t yet occur. We slept in separate rooms so, it was surly in effect. We always got along just fine, when we were separated, even the times when we still lived together but want technically together. Note: the way out marriage was set up, divorcing was simple, it was simply a choice made by him, which in some way, I had to agree to. By this time he had created the a group that would consist of people who followed certain rules that he came up with to live the type of godly lifestyle that he felt to be better than most, which is called Gental Isreale(G.I). He had pretty much told me that I wasn’t a part of the group anymore since I was only a part of because we was married, but since we were no longer, then I couldn’t be a part of it anymore. That was fine with me because if that’s the only reason I was worthy to be a part of it, then I agreed. After he had returned from his voyage,  he gave me the chance to be officially be join and be formy inducted, which I did agree to because the vision for it made sense and if we were still choosing to raise lil cross together under the same beliefs, then why wouldn’t I. So he recorded a video of him “inducting” me into the group, which was more like a joining of a church. I still wasn’t camera friendly so it was weird for me, and right before we ended up having some kind of lil argument so it was even more uncomfortable.

 

That same night he told me that we needed to talk. The talk was about me marring him again, due to some conclusion he came to about me joining G.I. and it being an option for us since I had officially joined. I was very hesitant about agreeing to marry him because honestly I just wasn’t ready. I felt like I was being set up to be back in the same situation I just came out of a month ago. I knew I had that incline that it would come to this but I didn’t expect it to be so soon. Long story short, while still unsure, I agreed. I expressed my concern about going back to the same on things and he assure me that it he wasn’t going to be doing anything to stress me out and assured me that I would be a problem for him, causing him to what I would call “go crazy”. I was so serious about dat thang that I wrote what he said on lapsed and told him to sign it as proof that he said it and as a way to express that I would be expecting him to honor his word.

 

Things were cool for a while, business was still pretty active for the both of us, I was still busy because I was still working overtime when I could, and for the most part we were getting along. The next event that sparked the next phase of trouble, was when I learned of his desire to also marry my dawg, La’Quincia Austin. 臘‍♀️臘‍♀️Note: I still understood that this man still believed in polygamy as being proper and I was still aware that he was willing to marry another woman at any time. This stressed me out over the course of the entire relationship, but at this point it wasn’t really something I thought about. He texted me one day while I was at work and told me of his most recent interest and plan to ask her to marry him. I already knew that wasn’t going to go through, but the fact of him even attempting to do hat was crazy to me. It wasn’t surprising coming from him, but it was so random. I never once had any I’ll thought towards her because to me, he misjudged her and our relationship to even thing that she would even consider. This mainly made me so upset because I had no idea what this could have made her think about me or the marriage we had period. I hated looking stupid blindly, and that was something I always felt he made me look amongst people he got awaited with separate from me. He liked to have personal relationships with my people for reason, so things like this was easy to happen. This same day I had got on him so bad about that, till he pulled up to my job making a scene because I said some very harsh things to him about the situation. Long story short she ended up turning him down and life went on for us full of non stop drama. He told me that I could no longer talk to her because she still continued to sin. So from January to today August 5th that disconnection is still active. This was hard for knowledge and me, but eventually we pressed through it.

 

During this same time we ended up moving into a new apartment because it was time to leave the old one due to the law suit and other problems with Kew and the landlord. We ended up moving to a bigger apartment which was better for all of us. By Christmas we were in the new apartment. Knowledge had a nice Christmas and the new year was t so bad either.

 

 

Finally 2022. Wow!

January was probably one of the least problematic of the entire year thus far. February was a time the was very rough. It started with a argument me and Kew had, that ended in him telling me to call my mother and tell her she was a horrible mother because of me arguing back with him. Him talking bad to me about my parent was another thing he did to express how horrible he thought we all were. I agreed that my parent were not the best, but I never wanted to hurt their feelings, even if they never admitted to not being the best parents. I wouldn’t consider them horrible parents in comparison to many, so for me to just randomly call her and say that to her just because was upset with me, was not what I chose to do. So because I didn’t call her fast enough, he intimidated me so much, they he made me post videos telling my parents that they were horrible and and that I wasn’t talking to them until they apologize. He then proceeded to tell me to do one to my siblings telling them certain things to say that we weren’t going to be cool as long as they were sinners. He felt like these needed to be posted on TikTok for some reason, and I did it. They all got many views and a lot of questions, which was the last wedge put between my family and I. Next he posted a video of me on tik tok being yelled and screamed at by him over me not telling him what I was doing to my sons hair, had me looking like a fool in front of thousands of people. I was utterly humiliated once again, now in from of my family my city, and who ever else out in the world. I was hurt to silence. He had reached the most aggressive point in the relationship this far, and at this point I was at a place of total distress. I was going to work feeling like the worst person in the world. Again, I didn’t know what to take of this or justify the behavior. I felt like I was being mentally murdered. He eventually came up with the idea to write things on the walls of the house to remind me that if I didn’t do whatever it was right, that it was the LAST TIME, and this last time meant that the divorce would be final and there would be not turning back. Of course I reached that last time and it was over. This was the LAST TIME that I went through this breaking experience to date.

 

I wasn’t working any overtime at this point, I was only doing cleaning, which had decreased to only 3 clients and then 1, which w was thw very first client I recruited, so I had more time to spend with my son. The divorce was a day after my birthday so once again I had a horrible birthday. I had even taken off of work to enjoy it, but nope, it was straight dram filled. He posted a second video of me which was the moment he decided it was the LAST TIME.

 

When May came around, he had came up with a grace period for us to finalize the divorce in order for us to still have sex if we chose to. I agreed after explaining to him that I didn’t think that it was okay with God but of course he convinced me to ignore whatever incline I was having. About a week later he was forced to end the relations. He ended up trying to reinstate the agreement but instead putting the decision on me, but after wards I felt almost sick that I called it off, and he agreed, which led us into the next phase of moving forward afresh.

 

The next two months and about two months prior, my life consisted of me working to become healthier on every level. In the month of June, I committed to a life of singleness after a revelation Kew gained about marriage, stating that if you are not married to the first person you ever had sex with, and you are in another marriage or sexual relationship,then you commit adultery. This was life changing, because it clarified, redefined, and making sense to me, easily made me believe and commit to obeying it. He broke it down it a way that made it make it so plain and obvious. I do believe in the possibility of it being wrong, but I choose to obey that order, as I want to do this life as best as I can holding great godly order. SO AFTER ALL THOSE YEARS, TO THINK THAT WE WERE NEVER EVEN MARRIED IN THE WYES OF GOD IS CRAAAAAAAZY, but amazing to finally have the truth, if it’s the proper order. THANK YOU GOD!

 

I begin educating myself on health and wellness on a natural from a completely natural aspect, and eventually applying it to my life slowly. As you see through my story, I am very passionate about the truth. I’m a supporter of growth and elevation and I’m willing to sacrifice and use my own life to gain the knowledge and understanding about higher level things of God. I am a seeker of excellence and I desire to be in the greatest physical, mental, spiritual , and emotional state in this life, as a sign of my loyalty to and respect for our Father God. I have been and will try to continue become the woman the I was created to be, at the greatest level possible. I believe that requires me doing the work, and becoming what I desire to be first, so that I can be an example for other women in and outside of the fold. My desire is to honor HIM with my body and my spirit so, IT IS OFFICIALLY GODS TIME⏰♾

 

 

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